Anxiously Seeking Secure

     

    I think it is high time for my yearly blog post.  I don’t know why I got away from writing these as much as I use to.  I think part of me got caught up in life and the other part of me got lazy and didn’t want to write about my journey anymore.  As I was thinking about writing again, I went over to the blog and I read the last entry I had about letting go and loosening up my grip on things in my life.  I was so thankful to read that post again because it was a reminder of things I need to still put into practice.  

            I am finding that more and more I am encountered with my anxious attachment style and how I am constantly afraid of people leaving.  This stance of protection and fix it is exhausting and has led me into situation after situation of getting not only burnt out but deeply hurt.  With each run of this cycle, another part of me is allowed to fall into the belief that if I don’t live up to an expectation if I am not what this person needs in every way, if I don’t do what they want and meet their needs I am not worthy of love….a love that will stay…. a love that won’t want to leave.  The wake-up call recently is…..I’m part of this cycle.  I have control in this….I just have to take it. 

         

   The victim card has been played far too many times and with good reason…but maybe I’m not a victim as much as I think or feel sometimes.  Perhaps I could pick up that card and shuffle the deck and see what else I can bring to this game of life and relationship.  Maybe this new card I could place on the table could look more like self-worth and boundaries.  Maybe this new card could look like self-care and confidence.  Maybe it’s time to start investing in those things instead of relationships that don’t reciprocate a consistency of thought and belief in what it takes to maintain a relationship and care for the other partner.  Thinking about what my expectations need to be and truly are is something I find myself discarding in order to accommodate the relationship I am in.  Shuffle the deck…its time for things to change.

            

    So looking at the path ahead I am far more aware of what attachment is and what I need to be looking for.  I actually read an amazing book called “Attached” by Rachel Heller and Amir Levine.  This book dives into attachment theory and not only how our individual attachment styles develop but also how they interact with one another.  I felt so seen and understood when I was reading about anxious attachment.  I felt like maybe I’m not as crazy as I thought.  Or maybe I am….but I have brothers and sisters that are like me and get it.  Haha  I have been told many times that this anxious attachment is weak and sad.  That the person who has this attachment style doesn’t know who they really are and aren’t a whole person.  I think it is quite the contrary in so many ways.  Those with an anxious attachment are far more attuned to the needs of their partners…..we are the best at picking up cues and caring for them well.  We are loyal and consistent.  We are passionate givers and resilient beyond what we are given credit for.  No matter what happens we will journey through a battle or a wound in order to protect those we love and care for.  We know who we are…. we just choose to value those we are in a relationship with to a high degree…..sometimes to a fault.  

           

     The only thing that is sad about those who wrestle with anxious attachment issues is that we aren’t valued for what and who we are.  When matched with a secure attached person there isn’t the constant fear of loss.  There isn’t the wondering if they will change their mind.  What the secure attached person offers us is….stability.  The moment we feel like we are good enough….we flourish!  Not just flourish…we shine!  Better yet….we can finally push to a place where that anxious attachment develops into a secure attachment style.  After years of being modeled by family, friendships, and romantic partners that you are discardable and have to earn love, you finally can rest in the fact that you are worthy of love just by being here.  Just by showing up! 

           

     So, as I continue to loosen my grip on life and my relationships, I take hold of my own heart and feel that vibrant beating.  That rhythmic thump thump that lets me know that I am still alive and still here.  There is still time to take care of this bruised and battered man.  There is still time to live a great story.  Heck, this is a great story….but just wait…..the chapters to come and going to be even better.  Those are the chapters that this scared little boy from Missouri stops being so scared and starts celebrating being cared for well.  

Make That Change

           Hello, fellow Covid Warriors! The past few months have been nothing short of historic.  So much has happened on a global level and also on a national level here in the United States.  Bringing the focus in even closer each of us has had the opportunity to reflect and come face to face with our own selves.  Quarantine brought about an opportunity to do the self-work that has been sitting on the shelf behind all the day to day activities we distract ourselves with.   The dust was thick on some areas of my own life and it took some hard conversations to bring things into better clarity of what the root of some issues are.  

When the shelter at home order came and quarantine began it felt like a mixture of anxiety and also a little bit of a much-needed pause was being ushered into my life.  This time of not being able to work, travel, or even interact with friends like normal left me feeling antsy in my own skin.  I didn’t feel comfortable sitting still because for the first time in a long time I had nothing to do but think.  Think about the journey I had been on and how I had chosen to function and morph as a result of it.  Those little adjustments that we make over time can end up creating a way of functioning that no longer even resembles us.  So then, in these moments of stillness, we are left to process that change and to take a long look in the mirror and address what we see.  I can hear my sweet friend Michael Jackson singing his famous words of “I’m starting with the man in the mirror…..”.   You’re welcome for the gift of that song being stuck in your head now.  

Starting with the man in the mirror for me came with the realization that I am a caretaker and a fixer.  It is my mission to fix and help everyone and every situation.  This might seem like a selfless thing, but the reality is….No matter how selfless the intention is…..I want something out of it.  At the end of the day by helping, knowing that I receive out of it.  The satisfaction of caring for someone well.  The knowing that I did my part and made an impact for the good of someone else.  None of this is bad, but when left unchecked it can become a monster.  It can morph into control and a word that I truly hate…..manipulation.  I cringe at that word because it just sounds gross to me, like the word moist.  Manipulation is something I have experienced far too much of and try and avoid at all cost.  In my avoidance of it, I believe that I had begun to unintentionally walk right into it.  This realization came from conversations with some people that are very close to me.  People whose opinion I value more than most and when the word manipulation came out of their mouths, I found myself arguing to defend myself.  In this arguing, I had to stop and take a moment to really process what that looked like.  Was I unintentionally manipulating?  Was I allowing myself to control situations by maneuvering in such a way that I got the outcome I wanted?  The answer was sadly, yes.  

I am terrified of losing things, specifically people. I try my best to be all that I can be for my friends, family, and relationships.  Having experienced loss of relationships in the past I kept finding myself weirdly desperate to try and hold on to what I had left.  The Curtis who was once confident and independent became scared and codependent.  I was scared of being alone.  Scared of being left again.  Scared of being hurt another time, in another way, and not knowing what that carnage would do to me.  So, as a result, I fixed.  I worked hard to make sure everyone was happy and taken care of.  All the while adjusting bits of myself in order to make that happen.  In 2018, when I decided to come out, I shed a layer of that.  The constantly trying to make sure everyone was happy with my life stopped, and I finally claimed the freedom of who I was.  This caused loss.  Tremendous loss.  It was the right decision to make, but one that came at a cost.  So, I got up and kept moving.  The thing is, I was an open wound.  

Open wounds, left untreated, lead to infection and sickness.  They can even get to a point where that unfortunate body part needs to be cut off.  If it no longer functions it needs to be cut off to prevent the spread of infection to other parts of the body.  The thing of it is, I didn’t want to cut off my hand.  I needed it.  How could I function without my hand? I loved my hand! Next things you know the hand is gone and I am left trying to function without one.  Well crap!  So, what does one do in order to prevent an infection from getting to that extent? Treat the problem.  My problem was…..and is….that I hold on too tight.  This holding on is controlling to those in my world.  It can be a form of manipulation.  I want so desperately to make everything ok, but is that me talking?  Or is that the fix it in me talking?  Is that the wound talking?  

So, I sit here typing away and reflecting on my grip.  Looking at this man in the mirror that has so much to offer and so much to give.  Looking at this man in the mirror who needs to heal and continue to grow and learn.  I have some truly beautiful relationships in my life.  I am blessed and so thankful for what I have, but at the end of the day I need to learn to loosen up.  The pattern of gripping onto things and not allowing the natural flow to happen is a sure-fire way to repeat the same mistakes and the same manipulation.  White knuckling these relationships won’t create health and growth, it will prevent life from getting in.  My fix it mentality and true desire to care for people has a place and can be a beautiful gift.  I think I am just learning more that I am not defined by it, and I am not in control of the outcomes of it.  

As this pandemic is starting to slow and people are returning to work, this time of stillness and reflection is coming to a close.  This forced reflection as a nation has brought about some amazing opportunities to change.  I just hope that we all don’t get so caught up getting back to business as usual that we forget that we can make the time for that stillness even now.  We need to make that time.  We need to continue to reflect and “make that change”  as Mr. Jackson said at the end of the song.  

Broken Release

I am currently sitting up in my room at my Aunt and Uncle’s house in Vermont.  This place has been and will always be a safe place for me.  From the peacefulness of the property they live on, to the acceptance of me as a person and individual, I have always felt like I could breathe here.  Tonight, I am taking a deep breath in and exhaling as I let go of a chapter of my life.   

The past month has been one of the hardest in my life.  I have experienced some of the greatest heartache I think I have ever experienced, and I honestly felt like I might never recover.  True to form though, that reaction is dramatic and emotional.  I am recovering, I will recover, and I will be ok.  A process is a process, it isn’t a light switch that can be flipped.  Matters of the heart are always sensitive things.  Every time you put yourself out there you are risking something.  Friendships or otherwise there is always something that can be gained and lost, and you have to weigh out if the decisions are worth it or not. 

 I fell in love with a man who was truly the light of my life.  I fell in love with someone who made me feel like I was on top of the world.  I fell in love with a man who believed in me and pushed me. I fell in love with a man who made me laugh more than anyone. I fell in love with a man who I wanted to marry and was going to marry.  I fell in love.  I took the risk and although the outcome was far from what I trusted and believed it would be, I don’t regret it for a second….and more still….I continue to love him. 

 During the past 2 years, I have gone on a journey of discovery and acceptance.  I have fought through feelings of fear, anxiety, depression, loneliness, lack of drive, and hopelessness.  I also experienced a freedom I never have had,  and a weight lifted off of my shoulders that I never thought would be lifted.  I am a gay man who loves Jesus.  I am a Christian, who is attracted to men.  Something I was terrified of has now become something I embrace and is something I am proud of.  I am finally proud to be me.  I have experienced a community of friends who are second to none.  I have experienced a church home that allows you to come truly TRULY as you are and accepts you to the table with open arms.  I have experienced Love. 

            The one person who walked with me through all of it was this man.  He is strong and courageous and brave.  We leaned on each other through some of the toughest times.  We supported each other with each step we took and for that, I am forever grateful.  I experienced God in new ways and watched as he provided for our every step, and I know he will continue to provide for this new chapter for both of us.

As we BOTH go through the changes and emotions of the decisions made, I ask for this.  Pray for us BOTH  Reach out to us BOTH.  Support and encourage us BOTH.  There are no real winners in a breakup.  There are no real winners when it comes to breaking up and deciding to go in a different direction.  There is heartache to go around, but there is ultimately peace that comes in time.  There is peace that comes with community and family.  There is peace that comes with leaning on the steady arms of a heavenly father who is there and will be there through it all.  Then, when the time is right…..joy will come again.  

The old saying is that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  This bittersweet statement is something I want to throw out the window right now, but at the end of the day, I know it to be true.  I have experienced something that is precious and vulnerable and authentic.  I have experienced Love for another person and what it feels like to be willing to give anything for them.  Knowing that feeling and the beautiful thing that it is…knowing that I am able to feel that…..makes me hope and truly believe that it will come again.  I know it will.  

So, with this long-winded post, I will exhale.  I lift my hands up and open them.  Releasing what I have wanted to hold on to for so long, and I will leave them open to accept what will come next.  Expectant for the good things and hopeful for it all.  Thank you my friends and family that have truly been there.  Thank you to this community of strength and support.  Thank you for continuing to be there. 

Floral Prints and Planted Hearts

     I am currently wearing an obscenely floral shirt.  I just saw it in the store and thought how cool it was and how I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off.  I then looked at the price, and I was sold on taking the risk.  In wearing this shirt today I starting thinking how many metaphors have been thrown out about flowers.  Roses and love ,and how every rose has its thorns, and how love is beautiful and also painful.  The counting of petals as you rip them off to explain how sexual abstinence is good, and if you keep giving yourself away you will only have a stem to give to your future life partner.  So many comparisons to these beautiful delicate creations.  I am not sure why those came to the top of my mind, but there ya go!  

    I love flowers.  I love the smell.  I love the work it takes to cultivate and maintain flowers.  I love how some are delicate but some are actually rather hearty.  I love how they are given as gifts for both happy and sad occasions.  Flowers just have something about them that you can’t ignore.  They are special.  

    I can understand why so many people compare us as humans to flowers.  All the same things apply to us….well aside from being given as gifts.  haha.  We are beautiful, delicate but hearty.  We take work.  We smell….good and bad.   We are unique and individual and can’t be ignored.  I think what I was thinking about today regarding the parallels, is that not every flower is going to be taken care of the same way.  Each one has different needs.  All are beautiful in their own right, but the needs of a Rose are different than the needs of an Orchid.  

     I planted a few rose bushes at my old cottage.  I loved them so much but I had to figure out the best way to care for them.  I was told they are super hearty and that once you get them going they pretty much take care of themselves.  They just need alot of attention at first.  The ground has to be conducive to a good root system.  They need lots of water.  They need good  direct sunlight.  Once they take off, and the conditions in which they are planted are good, they will bloom and thrive.  I also had some Begonias that I planted that had totally different needs.  They needed less water and less direct sun.  In order for them to survive I couldn’t put them under the same rules for growth.  They would never thrive like that.  

    Here is the comparison I was thinking on.  We all have different needs.  We all are fed and function differently and to put everyone under the same set of rules and regulations would be foolish.  I am not talking about general rules.  Flowers all need water and all need some form of light…we all need guidelines and guardrails.  Look across the board for humans though.  We have conservatives and liberals.  We have Southern Baptists, catholics, pentecostals, and methodists.  We have outdoorsy people and those who prefer life indoors.  The list could go on and on.  Each person on their individual journey has different needs and different things that make them thrive.  Things that bring out passions and excitement.  Things that make them fall in love.  Things that make them angry.  At the end of the day though, just like with flowers planted and cared for according to what is best for them, we becomes a beautiful garden of humanity.  All the colors and shapes and sizes.  All the diversity of texture and depth.  

     Have you ever been to a really well cared for garden?  You can’t help but stop and admire its beauty and take it all in.  So, that  brings me to my long winded point.  Make sure you are planted where you should be, and are cared for in the way in which you need.  All the basics still apply.  If you are a person of  faith that is the basic food and water we need.  For others that might be different.  Then we move forward.  Some will need to be planted where there are lots of people.  Some will need to be planted in the isolated places of Northern Montana.  Some people need the arts…. like me.  Others need a sports stadium within 10 minutes.  Some need a community that has strict rules and regulations because they function well in that world.  Some need to feel more of a freedom in the midst of their structure.  

      I am realizing this more and more as I grow older and figure myself out, one layer at a time.  I use to think that I needed to stay in middle America.  I thought I would always feel the most at home there.  For awhile I thought that New York City was the place for me.  So many opportunities and excitement! Then I realized I need to be planted where I can have a little bit of both worlds.  City and country life at my fingertips sprinkled with the arts and culture that bring me to life.  That is where I grow and thrive the most.  I was raised Southern Baptist, but that is not where I grow and thrive the most.  That is not where I am fed to the fullest.  I still hold to my faith, but that denomination I have found isn’t for me as a whole.  Doesn’t make it bad at all…just isn’t where I need to be planted and fed.  Where do you need to be planted? 

     We all have to figure out what it is that feeds us and where is the best place to plant our hearts.  We are tasked with figuring that out.  No one else will be able to tell you…..although many will try and convince you otherwise.  Once you figure that out….don’t settle for anything less.  Allow the flower that you are to grow and bloom to its fullest and be admired for the unique creation that it is.  Surround yourself with a beautiful garden of well tended people and enjoy! You deserve it!  You are worthy of it! 

     

     So, let’s just stop and smell the roses.  Life is too short not to.  Life is but a breath.  Don’t waste it being planted where you can’t fully thrive and grow to your best.  

Retracting the Claws

Well, Here I am again. I feel like I have been writing a lot more lately. Thats a good thing because I love to write.  Its also a not so good thing sometimes because it usually means I have things I am processing. This one will be short and sweet though.  This blog is to apologize.  

     My last post, which I have reverted to a draft, was written in a place of anger and frustration.  It was written from a place of deep hurt that has just continued to grow deeper with situations that have happened. Unfortunately in all of this…..no one wins.  There is loss all around.  

    So, I apologize for airing laundry on here and allowing my emotions to get the better of me. I do believe that it is important to express that Anger is an emotion that needs to be felt and processed.  It is something that can bring out the worst in people and I believe that is what happened with my previous post.  Social media of any kind is not the place to do that in the way that I did.  After hearing some tough truth from my love, I made the decision to remove the post.  

    Human beings are complicated creatures.  At the end of the day we are responsible for us and how we conduct ourselves.  We are responsible for the character we have and the integrity that we show.  My desire on this journey is to be a man of Character.  A man who is quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger as it says in James.  I want to be a reflection of Christ in my life.  I want to love as I would want to be loved.  I want to showcase the positive and healthy fruit that the Lord continues to produce in my life.  

   For those who are navigating similar journeys.  I spoke to you before about continuing to fight.  This is part of that fight.  Acknowledging when you have not taken the high road and apologizing.  Rising above situations and not stooping to a level that isn’t you or who you want to be. 

   I remember as a kid always wanting to be stronger.  Always wanting to feel like I could stand up for myself.  When my brother and I would get in fights I would immediately drop to the floor, if there was no escape, because my legs were the strongest part of me.  I would just kick and pray that I would leave the fight unscathed.   As an adult my body has gotten stronger but I feel like sometimes I revert back to that kid who  fell to the ground and tried to escape the hurt with a few solid kicks.  The same is true now as it was then….the kicks do nothing really.  It might bring some instant gratification but you still end up hurt and you still don’t have the strength you hoped.  True strength can come in the stillness and rootedness of someone who stands their ground with confidence.  

   So, instead of an angry post, I am replacing that was this. I am thankful for the family I have around me that has chosen to be supportive and loving.  I am thankful for the relationship I am in and the fact the he was able to communicate an area I needed to grow in.  I am thankful for my relationship with the Lord which is still intact and feeding my life.  I am thankful for air in my lungs and a future that is bright.  I am thankful for provision and for love.  I am thankful.  Releasing all this anger and embracing the Good that has come and humbling looking forward to what is ahead.  Be kind out there y’all.  Choose to rise above.  Choose to love.  It’s what we all truly need.  

Aligning my Tires

And…….Exhale.  That is what I have been telling myself a lot the past weeks and months.  What a journey I have just been on.  A journey of the heart, mind, body, and spirit!  Truly something that has assaulted all of my senses with its ups and downs and curves.  Here we are though…in Lancaster, PA.  Back again to the streets and town I fell in love with years ago.  I am working at a shop downtown and learning so much what it means to be a manager and a leader.  Its hard y’all.  haha

     So, we breath in and we exhale as each step is taken.  Now is the time for settling down a bit and figuring out what this current chapter brings.  What are my goals?  What is the desire I have for my life?  For my relationship?  For my future?  Am I living content with what has been so richly given….or am I functioning in a posture of anxiety and fear.  I think more often than not it is the latter.  

    I had a friend just message me a story from a friend of his about a girl in counseling talking about how the Lord had been convicting her so much about the futility of the Hustle and trying to constantly achieve the next thing.  She expressed how she was feeling super insecure all the time and anxious about what was about to happen….right as something great had already happened.  Literally, great news one day….then the next day back to feeling anxious about what was next and where she was heading.  It’s exhausting!  

    I think we all can relate to her story to some degree.  The therapist she was seeing responded with suggesting that her goals were the issue.  We so often set goals for the next best thing; constantly living in a state of nothing every being good enough.  No house is big enough.  No job is fulfilling enough.  Nothing satisfies.  The Therapist suggested that instead of aligning her life around her goals she should align her life around her values.  When we focus on what is truly valuable.  What values sustain us and fulfill us…..it makes every achievement something surrounded with gratefulness and contentment.  We are spitting in the face of something that has great value and promise.  

     This might seem like basic stuff, but for me today it smacked me across the face.  The past 6 months I have moved twice and changed jobs 3 times….its been exhausting and left my confidence shot and my anxiety high!  Taking a moment while I am sitting here an my little shop, I see the fingerprints of God on my life.  I see the fruit that is there and the good that has been brought and continues to be produced.  I am BEYOND grateful for the provision in my life.  I am humbled and grateful for the people who have loved in a way that has blown me away.  

   Contentment.  Exhale.  Align with values….with what is valuable….what is real.  Have an amazing day out there.  You are loved….you are valuable…. believe it and see it friends.

      

Just.....Be

Hey there, bloggers. It's been a long time! So, I am not sure who all follows this blog anymore.  I haven’t posted in a very long time, and this post I am about to write is long overdue.  

     I started this blog as I was about to head out on a cruise ship.  If you scroll back to the beginning you will get to see a journey of a man who has wrestled with the Lord on a variety of issues, but the biggest one has been my sexuality.  I have fought a long hard fight to maintain that I am not gay.  To fight who I have been told for a long time that I cannot be.  It has been an exhausting journey that has grown me in ways I never imagined but also left wounds that are deeper than I can even express fully here in this blog.  Maybe one day I will dive into all of that a little more.  

     The sad thing is that my story isn’t a new one.  It isn’t a unique story except for the cast of characters that played the roles.  I was raised in the Church, in a Christian home.  I had two parents that loved me and desired for me to share the same beliefs as they have.  I did Church choir and youth group.  I participated in every single event I could.  I loved Jesus and I loved the community of people I had around me.  They were my best friends.  Some of them still are.  

     Then, as I started to navigate my sexuality, things started to change.  The fear and shame attached to even thinking about being gay was heaped on me.  The fear of eternal hell and separation from the Lord.  The fear of losing everything and everyone I loved.  The fear of not being enough.  All of these were a constant reminder that I couldn’t be what I felt deeply inside that I was. I was trapped.  "Damned if I do, damned if I don’t," situation.  It was horrible.  I was taught through this shame to hate myself.  To feel insecure and weak because if I were to strongly proclaim myself, I would be slammed by those who would adamantly disagree.  

      So, like so many, I tried to fake it till I made it.  I dated some truly amazing women.  Women who taught me so much about love, caring for someone, family, and working hard in relationships.  The sad thing is, I was letting them down.  I was letting myself down.  In the attempt to make myself what others wanted me to be, I was destroying not only myself, but these amazing women.  The hearts that were broken on my journey of finding and embracing my true self were far too many.  To those who might be reading this now,  I am SO sorry.  I pray for your forgiveness and that your hearts have been or will be continually restored.  

       I don’t think well intending Christian folks understand what they are doing when they openly and aggressively condemn those of us who are navigating the reconciling of our faith and sexuality.  This fear and shame only leads to hiding.  Leads to a culture that is steeped in secrets.  In the shadows is where I believe Satan wants us to stay.  In the culture of hookups and casual sex that slowly eats away at you.  Where you can’t fully be in a relationship for fear of someone finding out.  Someone hurting you.  Someone reminding you that you are less than them and going to hell.  That you are an abomination.  This shadowland, isn’t intended for anyone, it isn’t what God intended.  Yet, for the sake of sharing the Truth they believe, that is where people put us.  Leaving us to figure out a way to claw and climb back into the light.  

      So, as I look back over the blog entries here, I see that struggle.  The ups and downs.  The insecurities and the trials.  We all have them, but the gloss over mine is the desire to please my family.  My friends.  To make them proud of me.  The thing of it is…..conditional love…..it isn’t love at all.  If we are all striving to be like Christ, then why do we hold on so tightly to the conditions for us to be able to love and accept people?  If I would have had a supportive community that first moment I was caught looking at something on my family's computer that was "gay,"…what would have happened? I know--trust.  Safety.  The ability to walk this all out in the light and express the fear and sadness as it happened.  I would have been able to avoid the hurt of hookup-culture and the pain of breaking the hearts of women who only wanted to love and be loved back.  I could have had a family that-regardless if they agreed or disagreed with the choice-could have accepted and loved both me and the person I am with….because we all would have navigated this road together. 

      I am in love with an amazing man.  I am committed to him and dedicated to him more than I have ever experienced in my life.  We have had challenge after challenge presented to us and I still hold fast to two things.  I have a God that loves me fully, and unconditionally.  I have a God who accepts me as his child and wants the best for me, which is to walk closely to him…unashamed of who I am.  Seeking to be better and to grow.  I also know that I love the man I am with, and I want to spend my life with him.  

     No matter what the reactions are to this blog, I think it was high time I started talking in the light about things I have been wrestling with in the dark.  It's time I am allowed the same fresh air to breath while I journey with the relationship I am in.  It is time for me to be free, be brave, and be loved.