But Those Are MY TOYS!!!!

     It is a snowy mess out there right now here in PA.  I have enjoyed just relaxing here at home though and using the time to kind of rest and recharge.  Add in some adventures with Charlie and I am set.  I had a great time catching up with my friend Jacob last night and just talking about friendships and how the Lord is challenging and growing us in different ways.  

    Something I was taking to Jacob about last night was the fact that  I have been so blessed recently to feel like I am finally connecting in my new environment after a year of kind of just wrestling with the Lord about moving to PA, and also just feeling like I was guarded and distant from people, I finally feel like I am connecting and enjoying some much needed community in my life. With that community though comes its own challenges.

     You know when you were a kid and you had YOUR toys and they were yours and you loved them and played with them all the time and they were gold to you.  Then one day someone comes up and wants to play with your toys and it feels like if they touch your toy in any way you won't get it back or if you do it will somehow be different because it won't be just YOUR toy anymore.  Such a childish feeling and emotion that you grow out of....but then it comes back in different areas as you reach adulthood.  Well, for me that comes out in friendships sometimes.  I have people in my life that I hold very close because they are so important to me.  There are people that I feel safe with and feel like I can be transparent and real with and not have to be "On" all the time.  Both new friends and old friends can fall into this category with me.  They are gold to me because I am such a relational person but I am also very guarded, so once you break through that I love you.haha   So when someone else tries to play with my toys, for lack of a better phrase, I start to get scared.  I start to get insecure.  "What if they like them better than me?"  "What if that person doesn't like me and says something mean that makes them not like me anymore?"  Etc. Etc.    Even writing this I cringe because I see how unhealthy and controlling this is.  Come on Curtis...you are almost 30 years old....build a bridge and get over it.  haha

     So, just like when you were a kid, you realized that just because someone else might play with your toys it doesn't mean that you can't still play with them too.  It doesn't mean that they will get broken and you won't get to play anymore.  It just means that there is more community.   It just means that you get to share the joy of having that friend with other people. Doesn't mean there isn't a time for intentional exclusive time...it just means that you have to let go of control.  When you try and control and manipulate friendship it is not really a friendship at all.  Its a dictatorship.  I think one of the biggest things that I learned last year was that community and friendship are a gift that should be cherished and held with an open hand.  Friendship is a mutual building of one another to be better and to encourage and challenge one another.  Friendship is sharing burdens and walking through the good and bad with someone.  The beauty of it is, when you let go and just trust the friend that you have been investing in, most of the time they feel the same way about you.  So all the worry and fear and anxiety about if they are going to stick around or if they will still be your friend if they connect with someone else are all the same feelings that they feel about you.  

   So, let go.  Stop micromanaging your friends.  Stop hoarding them to yourself to that no one else can enjoy and celebrate them.  Realize that the Lord is ultimately the one who nurtures the friendships in your life and he is the giver of these beautiful gifts.  So, enjoy your toys....but share.  Now lets go sledding!  

New Years Fears

So I have never been one for New Years resolutions.  I have seen so many people talking about them and hype them up and then totally disregard them when life starts in the New Year.  Its like everyone gets a gym membership and sets these amazing fitness goals and then after one week back at the job and back to normal life after the holiday buzz wears off and they are back to eating their Patti Labelle Pies....no judgement.....they are amazing.  I guess I just watched and knew that there would be failure and I didn't want to experience that in my own life so I just wouldn't make the resolution to change.  If I don't then I can't fail right?   
    This seams innocent enough I guess.  Who cares if you don't set a New Years resolution.  Lots of people don't.  I have noticed more and more though that I don't even set goals in my life.  I have nothing really that I am aiming for.  Nothing that I desire to happen for my life that I am working to achieve.  It is funny because I am looking back in the last several months and I feel like the Lord is calling me to do just that.  To set some goals.  To get some direction and purpose and work toward it.  
   I was sitting in my dressing room one day and my friend Steve Hershey looked at me after a spirited exchange of sarcasm and said...."Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"   To which I hemmed and hawed trying to think of the "right" answer to that.  I honestly had no clue.  I had no ambition no drive to be anything other than what I was currently and the thought of that was so unsettling to me.  
  Fast forward to New Years day this year.  I was with my friends Julie and Jenny and they were sharing their goals for 2016.  They were listing off these amazing things that they were working toward and I started to get jealous.  They asked me about mine and it was the same response that I gave my friend Steve.....I have no clue.....  
  Fast forward to yesterday, I am visiting a church in town and the pastor is talking about goals and purpose and says if we don't have goals or a direction in our lives then we are going to constantly be distracted from the path God has for us. Such a simple truth but one I needed to be reminded of.  There are things in my life that I get so angry at the Lord about.  Frustrated that things aren't changing or I am not growing at the rate I want or feel like I should be.  Thinking through all of that I realize that I am the one totally responsible for it.  I can shake my fist at the sky but I really should be setting legitimate goals for my life.  Goals to grow and to become closer to the Lord.  Goals to learn and become better.  Goals that I can do in a week, a month, a year, 5 years.  I have been traveling through life for so long with nothing more than a survival attitude and missing out on opportunities to thrive and to achieve and to ultimately have some peace that I yearn for.  
    So this whole long winded blog to say, Im making some goals this year.  I might fail and that totally scares me, but ultimately I will move forward which is still a victory.  So I guess my challenge to those of you that read this that are somewhat like me.  Lets push forward toward the Goals that God places in our lives and press into our savior Jesus who is our sustainer.  Lets encourage each other this year to be better and to move forward.  Lets speak life! Lets speak Love!  We are no longer slaves to FEAR! Lets achieve great things and bring glory to the one who has saved us!

Putting on the Cape

I have started writing this blog post about 10 times now.  I cant seem to really put together what I am wanting to say.  haha  I have been feeling challenged to write more and to share life more.  I think one of the biggest things that most of us want and desire is to be known.  To be able to share life with people who genuinely know who we are and how we tick.  To be able to care for each other better because of that knowledge and encourage each other to be better.  To draw closer to Jesus and be more like him. So this is my little way of sharing me, my way of processing through where I am at right now and being a bit vulnerable.  The blog has always been a place to process for me.  A place to just get things out and rejoice and mourn along the way.  Looking back at posts from the beginning until now has been a roller coaster.  So here we are again. 
    I feel like since moving to Pennsylvania I have gone through a whole list of emotions and feelings.  Feeling alone, feeling excited, feeling angry, and feeling challenged.  I don't think I realized that moving here away from the community I had would be as hard as it has been.  That being said I don't think I have felt the Lord moving so strongly in my heart for awhile.  I have not felt such a tug to grow and a push to lean into Jesus in a long time.  
    I got here and immediately started feeling the insecurities creeping in.  The questions of can I do this?  Am I good enough?  will people like me?  Who can I trust?  Am I safe?  I wrestled with these and to be honest I still am to some degree.  It has been amazing to me though how well the Lord has protected me in the midst of what could be a field day for the enemy. It seems like every time there has been temptations or struggle there has been a clear way out. Not just a way out, a shuttle out to where I cant go down the road my flesh is wanting.  It reminds me of when I am walking Charlie and he is wanting so badly to go and eat the other dogs poop, but I know that as his father it could make him sick and I pull the leash and remind him that he has another path to go down, and there is a treat waiting for him at the end that will taste a whole lot better than the poop he is willing to settle for a the time.  (sorry for the poop reference)  
      I think when we are stripped of security and left what feels exposed and alone our natural reaction is to seek something to cover up.  Some people go to food, others to alcohol,  others to lust and sex, some people just go into hiding.  So, I guess my challenge that I am seeing for myself and sharing with all of you is what are you (am I) going to do with this vulnerable place that you might be in.  We always always have a choice.  Who are we running to?  What are we running to?  What is your security blanket?  Are you choosing a blanket that will truly keep you warm or are you choosing one that has holes in it,  One that is not made to last?. 
     Jesus is the only security that will ever sustain.  He is the only blanket that will truly keep you warm and the only blanked that will last.  There are so many distractions, so many things that claim to provide what we need but none of it can.  I have tried many, we all have, and if we are truly honest with ourselves each of these imitations have left us wanting.  Have left us more exposed and vulnerable than before. 
   This is what I am learning.  I cant be afraid to be still.  I cant be afraid to wait.  I cant be afraid to open up to my brothers and sisters and share my burdens.  I cant be afraid to risk when the Lord is calling me to a leap of faith.  I cant live a life tied to fear that isolates and destroys. 
   So, my friends, today join me in clinging to a savior who loves us.  Join me in allowing him to prompt our hearts and move in our lives.  Lets toss aside the insecurities for today and rejoice in the freedom and Love of Jesus.  Lets enjoy the warmth of the true security blanket, one that is more like a cape that we use to wear as kids.  That we would tie around our neck and face the world has Conquerors. 

Put Your New Shoes On

    

So I started to try and run again.  I use to love to run.  I would go all the time and practice lines for upcoming plays ( I was told it helped with breath support when saying lines.)  or use that time as a prayer time.  It was an easy way to focus my brain from all the junk that was going on in other areas.  So I decided that I needed to get back into the swing of it.
   My body is so achy and hurting right now because of the current show I am doing though.  All the dancing with a combination of  concrete floor and poor foot ware is killing me softly.  I took the first few strides and I could pin point every single ache that was going to give me fit’s the entirety of my run.  Part of me just wanted to stop right there and call it good.  Why would I put myself through this if I am not going to be able to function after. 
    For me right now that is not only the thought for my physical running but my spiritual running as well.  The race that I have been running for the past few years has been a struggle for obedience.  The calling for me to let go of control and run.  To not focus on the momentary pain of the previous wounds in my life but to focus on the ultimate healing it will bring to those areas.  Just like running physically I am going to get better at it.  I might have to put on some more supportive shoes and I have to make sure I am stretched and ready to go, but it is going to overall benefit my life and my heart.  My spiritual heart needs this same healing. 
   I had a conversation with my Dad on Monday about struggles and how it is so hard to handle hardship when you feel like you have done all the right things.  How do you keep going and how do you remain obedient when you feel like there is no pay off.   You fight and you push through and you fight some more the various challenges that life throws and for what? 
    That is the moment when it goes back to these verses that my mentor shared with me today.  ‘That I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead’ Philippians 3:10-11
  And “ Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.  Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the price of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14  
     These and many more are reminders of truth.  Reminders that this race is hard that we are running as Christians and we are going to feel the aches in our ankles and our knees.  We are going to feel our back tighten up at the worst time and we are going to be thinking that we did everything right before this section of the race started, and wonder why we are hurting. Then we cross the finish line for that section, and we catch our breath look back at the distance we have covered.  There might not be a medal yet, but if we keep running there will be.  If we keep moving forward and push through the inevitable pain of the race, there is relief in sight, there is hope in each section of the race, each hill we climb and each valley we sprint into.  The pay off isn’t immediate.  Just because you get through one section doesn’t mean you can stop and still expect the Gold medal. 
       I don’t know why I continue to struggle with things in my personal life.  I don’t know why I have days where I feel so lonely I could burst into tears at any moment.  I don’t know why my family is facing one of the toughest trials that we have gone through together with my precious niece Reese.  I don’t know why this is all happening at once.  I do know this, it is just one section of the race.  I might feel the pain and the heartache and the loneliness right now, but that doesn’t mean that I will once I finish this section.  So, I can’t stop, I cant throw in the towel.  We can’t stop.  We have a higher calling that is perfect and a savior who is running with us cheering us on and helping us carry each burden.  Who’s there to help us navigate through the curves and the hills.  Who shows us the pace and lets us follow him to the finish line.
    Jesus loves me, and this race is worth running just to see his face at the end and run into his arms.

Bringing the Cliche to Life

   Today is a beautiful day.  The heat of summer is slowly starting to drift away ushering in the beauty and coolness of fall.  The breeze is dancing through my open windows welcoming in the day, bringing with it the wonder of what this day will bring.  Will it be a good one?  Will I feel like I accomplished something?  Will have an opportunity to care for someone well?  Will someone care for me? 
    Right now there is a lot of drama.  A lot of discontentment and frustration swirling around the world in which I live.  My friends and family are dealing with heavy burdens and I am dealing with my own.  Around each corner you think there will be relief but there just seems to be something else that swoops in with the hope of stealing your joy.  With the hope of knocking you down with the one two punch that jealousy or loneliness can bring. 
    I cant speak to every problem or struggle or frustration but I believe that we have a choice in it all.  A choice to be bitter or a choice to move forward in the hope and knowledge that God has a plan.  A perfect plan that is designed for our good.  That even though right now my body aches all over, my heart is broken in so many ways, and I feel like I can’t take another step.  I have to make a choice today….right now…..will I choose to overcome?  Will I choose to stand up tall with the knowledge that no matter what I might feel about myself , or what others might think or say, the truest thing is what God says about me?  That I am loved.  That I am a new creation. That I am free.  That I am redeemed.  That I am a joint heir to the throne.  That he will provide for my needs.
   These all sounds like cliché churchy thoughts, and maybe they are, but I do believe that they are truth.  How we apply them to our lives is what makes them real. It takes the cliché out and makes it alive.  Makes it beautiful.  Imagine if we all did that and claimed truth over our lives how much more content we would be.  How much grace we would show one another.  How much love we could share. 
   So, today, I will step forward with this little blog.  Claiming the perfect love of a heavenly Father who cares about me and knows me.  Realizing that although I might not get everything I want I will have everything I need supplied by the creator of it all.  I will love with reckless abandon because life is short and although there is risk involved I would rather be known as someone who cared for people well.  As someone who showed the love of Jesus in a way that was real and authentic.  That is my challenge to myself and all of us.  You are loved! You are important!  And you are Needed! Tell the people you care about that today.  I promise you they need it just as much as you do. 

Sharing is Caring

     This could be a potentially jaded post so be ready to show some grace.  The past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about my Christian walk.  I have been thinking about how many people say so many things and never follow through with them.  About how so many of us Christians throw out these buzz words in order to make ourselves feel better about who we are and where we are in our walk with the Lord.  We mask up out hurts our fears and our frustrations with “God is good!  All the Time!  God is Good!”  and the “Im fine, God is so faithful!”  I am not saying that those words aren’t true.  I 100% believe that God is so faithful and good, but my issue is that it prevents honesty.  It prevents realness and it prevents community. 
    In my life right now I have been facing challenges and frustrations that make it to where I want to just run away and become a hermit.  I don’t want to talk to people I don’t want to build relationships because all they end up doing is hurting you, using you, or leaving…or some nice combination of the three.  I obviously know that this is not true and I am viewing them through the lens of my own recent wounds.  All that being said, I feel like all I hear from the people around is the cliché sayings “God is so Good!”  and “He is preparing you for something great!” or “you’ve been on my heart..im praying for you”
    I know they are coming from a good place most of them.  I know that their hearts want to encourage and be there but I honestly don’t want to hear that.  I don’t want to hear a cliché response in order for you  not to fully invest into encouraging.  Why have we as Christians gotten so far away from carrying each others burdens and walking with one another?  Why have we decided it is easier to say we will pray for someone but don’t actually stop and pray with them right there?…and even further……follow up and ask how they are doing later?  Its lazy relationships.  Its surface caring with nothing behind it.  We are too busy and to wrapped up in our own junk that we deem others less important then ourselves.
   Look at the life of  Jesus and the way he loved and cared for people.  He invested.  He walked with and fought for and prayed with.  He encouraged and helped people understand rather then just throwing out some self help phrase and moving on.  I am so guilty of this myself , and I think now that I am in a season where I could use that relationship and encouragement I am realizing how frustrating it is not to receive it.  Imagine how non Christians feel if they receive the same care and Love we show to one another?  Why would they want to know a Jesus that lives in our hearts if we aren’t sharing and opening up our hearts? If we aren’t showing kindess and following through and walking with them.
     So I guess the point of this rant blog is to challenge us.  If you make a choice to invest in someone….follow through.   If you take the time to say a cliché phrase of  “You’ve been on my heart..” then prove it and follow through.  Show care.  Be intentional.  Be there for the person that the Lord has laid on your heart.  If that means setting time aside to get coffee do it. If that means doing that once a week for awhile, do it.  If that means spending a couple bucks and getting a card or buying a meal, do it.  We are called to love one another, and if we are not constantly trying to grow and become better at caring, then we are doing a disservice to both the people we interact with and to ourselves. 

Sweet Communion

So, today at Church something really meaningful happened.  We took communion. It always amazes me how much this simple act and ceremony brings me to tears.  Just that reminder that my sin has been forgiven.  My life has been bought and paid for.  I am no longer bound to this old life, I am a free new creation and child of the King.   
   This off season has been anything but rejuvenating for me.  It has been probably the hardest off season I have had since I have been back here in Missouri.  I started out with a plan to make it like last year where I removed everything from my life and focus on reading and getting closer to the Lord.  I was going to give up face book and twitter and instagram and any other social media that had so quickly taken over all of our lives.  I was going to stop my internet for the month and kind just go off the grid.  Spend time with friends and relax.  I guess the Lord had other plans. 
   This off season was ushered in by a series of hard situations that left me feeling broken and beaten to start.  Then it seemed like more people than normal were leaving town this year which left me with limited possibilities for hang out time and community.  I had deleted everything and was ready to go, and then was overwhelmed with loneliness.  I tried to ride it out for a bit but decided to download everything again and add a few more social media apps to fill the void I was feeling even further.  I became consumed so quickly it surprised me. 
   I spent the entire off season last year alone and relished in it, and now I was scratching at the walls of this prison I had made for myself in my apartment.  What changed?  What caused me to dive so deeply into the well of my lonely heart.  I think it was fear.  Fear that I would always be alone.  Fear that I am going to get left behind.  Fear that I am not talented enough.  Fear about this upcoming season and all the challenges that are coming with it.  I was terrified of going back to an old life that I so desperately want to never ever even look back on. 
  The strange thing about fear is that it turns you down the road you didn’t want to go down in the first place.  So, I went.  I failed and struggled and ran and struggled some more.  All the while knowing that all I had to do was focus back on Jesus.  Focus back on this amazing father and friend who has seen me through every curve in the road.  In my mind I justified every action every thought.  I had grown weary of being obedient and deserved a break. 
  Then I went and visited my amazing friends Jordon and Leah.  Jordon is an amazing brother and truly gifted with encouragement.  I spent the weekend hanging out and relaxing.  Playing games and enjoying my friends.  Then Sunday came and truth be told the last thing I wanted to do was go to church.  We went and the pastor was talking about obedience!  Haha.  Talk about a sermon directed totally at me.  It talked about bearing fruit and building a firm foundation in Christ.  It talked about continuing to be obedient in the midst of struggle and valleys.  As I listened through gritted teeth I thought through my life the past 3 years and how much fruit has come from this battle for obedience.  This reckless seeking to do the will of God.  I have been blessed over and over and over again.  Yes I have failed along the way and struggled a lot, but the consistent thing that I kept seeing as I thought through my life  was blessing.  Was Gods provision for everything!  When I am obedient to him he always gives me the best!
   We took communion and Jordon prayed and I left feeling a spark back in my heart.  Then a week goes by and I shuffle my feet trying to wake up from the fog I have been living in this off season and today is Sunday.  I go to church and it literally is like streams of living water for my soul.  How I missed just sitting with other believers and worshiping together.  Singing songs and praising this amazing father who loves us all. Here is the thing that made me laugh this morning.  Not because it was funny, but because God knows me soooo well.  We took communion. 
    If you have read my blogs in the past you know how meaningful communion is for me.  When I was living a totally different life in my past I was told by a dear mentor that I shouldn’t take communion because I was living in unrepentant sin.  So I stopped and was so hurt every time it was taken.  It was miserable because it reminded me that I was running away from my savior and that I was choosing my sin over him.  Later after the Lord brought me back I took communion for the first time and cried because it was like a sweet reunion with my precious savior, the love of my life Jesus. 
   So today, I held the little cracker and cup in my hands and cried yet again.  I think we can get so wrapped up in our past that we refuse to move on.  We build up our protective walls for fear that something will get through and rob us of our freedom from whatever it might be.  Today as the Lord loved on me and reminded me of the blessing of obedience, I was also reminded that I have nothing to be afraid of.  That he paid the price for my sin and my shackles are gone.  I just have to continue to walk, run, leap, dance, rest  in this amazing freedom he has given me.  Jesus paid it all!  All to him I owe.
   So, my precious love, thank you for dying to set me free.  Thank you for picking my up over and over when I fall and loving me through it all.  Thanks for having a perfect plan and letting me see glimpses of it once in awhile. Thanks for loving on me so well.  I adore you Jesus.