Running Running Running

   This morning I woke up super early.  I wanted to sleep more but my body was just saying it was time to rise and shine and give God the glory glory!  haha  Anywho, I figured since I had a little more time this morning I would take advantage and write a little blog.  I have been doing my Vlog for a little bit now and it has taken over but I miss writing too so I want to keep up with this.  I guess I have a lot to say.  lol
    I was talking to my friend Jenny yesterday about how I have been feeling super home sick lately.  I have never been one to feel that way but for some reason that button got pressed and I have been navigating though that.    The Branson leadership team from the theater I worked at there was visiting a week ago and there was something about the safety and comfortability I felt with them that just made me rest for a second. When they left I cried.  Which is no real surprise for people who know me, but I feel like this wasn't the typical Curtis being emotional.  It was something more.  
    Jenny mentioned in our conversation the fact that I have moved a lot and that this is probably the longest I have ever lived in one place.  I started thinking about that and she is right.  During college I moved dorm rooms and changed roommates almost every semester!  Then I left Branson and moved to Tennessee.  There I lived in 4 places in the two years I was there.  Then I went on the ship for a little bit, got back to Branson after and probably moved 6 times in the 5 years I was back.  So then I moved up to Pennsylvania last year and I have lived in the same place and the same apartment for 2 years straight by the end of this contract.  That seems crazy to me!  For a guy who thrives off of stability and routine I feel super antsy being still.  
   I think that is something that the Lord is challenging me in.  I think I have baggage that needs to be unpacked.  I think I have insecurities that need to be dealt with.  I think I have relationships that need to be mended and restored.  I think I have relationships that need to be ended.  I think there are a list of areas that the Lord has been trying to deal with me in and I have hid behind constantly moving and going even when staying in the same town in order to stay occupied.  I have in essence been running away.  I never looked at it like that before until my conversation yesterday and I just felt like the Lord smacked me across the face with it.  
   No matter where I am or what I am doing there are going to be challenges.  That is true for all of us.  I think the real challenge and the real strength comes from being still in that space and choosing to grow there.  Being still in that space and choosing joy and hope over frustration and depression.   I have a beautiful life here in Pennsylvania.  I have a community of people here that I love, and I believe that the more I open myself up to seeing what the Lord is doing here in this space the more I will flourish and grow.  Rather than closing off and protecting all the time, I need to open myself up to being used.  I need to open myself up to serving and loving more here. 
    The thing that was also interesting to me is that I was just as closed off and protected in Branson.  It just looked different because it was home.  So here in this new place and in this new community I have an opportunity to change the cycle.  I have an opportunity to grow and be challenged, and to take the challenges and run with them.  Run to a Father who loves me and is ready for me to be a part of what he is doing.  
   So here I am, Curtis Wilson.  My biggest desire is to see people happy, and for them to know that they are loved and have value.  For the larger part of my life I have struggled with that belief for myself and still deal with it, which is why I think I want to make sure others don't.  That being said, I live above an amazing little cafe called Splits and Giggles.  If you ever want to grab a coffee or an ice cream and talk about life, let me know because I am here!  It there is any way I can encourage or be there for you let me know because I am here!   Being still and present in the space and the season you are in can be a challenge but lets embrace it and lift each other up in the process.  Love you guys!

Being Chosen

   I feel like I have gotten away from writing since I started my Vlog sight.  Its been nice to just expand a bit and try new things with all this social media.  I kinda love the creativeness of it all.  Being able to express yourself and share you life and journey with people in new and interesting ways.  Plus you get to learn a new skill along the way.  Heres a Link to the Vlog if you want to check it out.  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChVaORtGqTlhVNp7FJLGl5g
  
    So the past couple weeks there has been this overarching challenge I think for a lot of us.  A challenge to step outside ourselves and look at the world from a non self centered perspective.  I think in our country we experience the internal battle with this more than others.  We are so spoiled and conditioned to feel entitled to everything.  For me I am in the middle of a bible study with some guys in my cast that has really been pushing me hard.  Pushing me first and foremost into a desire and pursuit of a deep Love relationship with Jesus and second pushing me to live a life of service and Love rather than self-seeking and control.  It is rocking my world a bit because it is so hard to walk out. 
   They just chose people at work for a special project.  One that isn't a huge deal but it is something very special and cool to be a part of.  Its an honor.  Here in lies the issue.  Not everyone was chosen.  Some were and some were not.   There was no longer an even playing field.  I think no matter who you are and no matter what kind of job you are in the sting of not being chosen for something is there.  Flashback to being the last one picked for the kickball team flash in your mind.  Flashbacks of having a huge crush and then realizing that they have chosen to date someone else.  Everyone has something.  So what do you do when you aren't chosen?  And what do you do when you are but your friend isn't?  There in lies the challenge I think a lot of us faced recently.  
   I think my friend Steve said it best.  We have an opportunity to be mature adults when we are faced with things like this.  An opportunity to show true maturity and true grace.  To rejoice with people in the midst of your own morning, and on the flip side to morn with those even when you are rejoicing.  It is easy in some instances and so hard in others but that is what we are called to do.  Ultimately as Christians we are brothers and sisters.  We are journeying together and for an ultimate goal which is to bring glory to God and to server others and show the Love of Jesus to them and to each other. It isn't a game.  It isn't the rat race. Our calling isn't for self.  Its for others, its for Him.
    So the sting of my loss.  The bummed out feeling that I wasn't chosen to do something that would have been fun or cool.   The inner child that wants to pout and be sad.  I have to remember,   No matter what I am chosen or not chosen for in this life the only thing that really matters and the thing to remember weather I am rejoicing or morning is this......I am already chosen.  I was chosen by a heavenly father who adores me.  I was chosen by the King of Kings and I have the opportunity to be a part of what he is doing here.  So no matter what.  Jesus died for me! He died for you!  We don't have to stress the little stuff, and that is so much easier to type right here than to walk out.  This is just to serve as a reminder.  We Are Worth it!  He made us worth it!  Just because you don't get everything you want.  Just because you don't feel valuable all the time on this earth cannot rob you of your true value.  
    Today is a good day.  Today I have the opportunity to go into work and do what I love to do.  My body is tired and I am for some reason or another having a really tough time feeling single and alone lately.  But here is what makes the day good in the midst of those feelings.  I am dearly loved by Jesus.  I am chosen by him and he has plans for my life.  I get the opportunity to be sensitive to him and his leading today and go on an adventure of Loving people.  No matter my circumstances.  No matter where I am on my journey I have that.  I am chosen....We are chosen.    Love you guys.

What is this Grace?

   Today I was listening to part of the show where the Angel of the Lord is talking to Samson and talking about Gods grace.  Talking about how its never too late and you are never too far gone to receive it.  I love that scene!  and Then Samson Sings a beautiful song called What is This Grace further driving in the truth of this amazing thing called Gods Grace and his amazing Love for us.  I am learning a lot about Grace these days.  How to show it to others and how to show it to myself.  

     So, I am an emotional person.  To those who know me this is not a big surprise.  I feel things.  I’m sensitive.  It is something I love and hate all in the same breath about myself.  Being sensitive, I can sometimes get hurt fairly easy.  As thick of skin as I do have, if I let someone in they have the ability to crush me.  Not just crush me, but manipulate me along the way.  This unfortunately has happened more times than I’d like to admit.  

  I dated someone a long while ago that I fell so in love with.  This love had conditions though.  I had to change who I was.  I had to change opinions of things, convictions about life.   I had to give up friends and family.  I had to become ok with things in order to keep this “love” that I so desperately wanted and thought I needed.   I allowed myself to believe that if I didn’t have that person in my life that somehow my life did not have as much worth.  That if I didn’t hold on to them then I would always be alone.  My self worth became completely wrapped up in and controlled by that relationship.  Thankfully, the Lord closed that door.  It hurt horribly and was one of the toughest things I have ever had to face.  Picking up the pieces of a heart that I unfortunately allowed to get abused and destroyed

  Now, today, I look at my life and I see myself allowing those same things to happen but in different ways.  I look at my value and worth through the lens of those I want approval from.  I allow those people to hold the strings of the Puppet that I become when they are involved.  So the question that I am screaming to myself is…why?  When did I start to value myself so little that I let others walk all over my heart?  Why do I give so much power to others?  Why do I self sabotage? 

    The Big Whopping answer I feel is Fear.  I am so afraid of not being good enough.  Im terrified of being alone for the rest of my life.  I am so scared that I will never have a life with someone and I will never have a family that I so desperately want.  I look at family of dear friends around me and my heart is filled with joy for them but breaks inside wondering if the Lord will ever give me that.  If I will ever be good enough.  If someone will find me attractive or fall in love with me.  

   So that fear then propels me into this cycle of loss prevention.  This is where the morphing starts.  This is where the letting go of control and giving it to others happens.  Then as those relationships change or end….I am left alone and feeling silly because I fought so hard for something or someone that never really was going to love me.  Never going to be the thing I “needed”.  As selfless I think I am being on this quest it actually is super selfish on my end too.  It just seems so hopeless.  

   This is where the positive twist in this Blog happens.  Sorry its been a bit of a downer one.  Grace.  We all have a choice to show Grace and receive Grace.  We all have the ability to walk in that.  To be set free and rest in the Grace.  So for me in these situations I have to 1. Realize and accept Gods Grace and love for me and know that he has plans that are perfect for my life.  That he LOVES me! NO MATTER WHAT!  then 2.  Look at the people in my life with GRACE.  I am not prefect…they are not perfect.  We are all seeking to live a life that is fulling and we all want to be loved.  There has to be grace in this process or these cycles of use and abuse will just continue.  I have to let go of trying to control and manage and show grace as I stand firm in the roots of truth.   Then finally 3.  I have to show myself grace.  I can’t be perfect.  I can’t fulfill the needs of every friend or relationship in my life.  I will fail.  I will fall short…..and there is Grace.  I am a treasured position of a heavenly father who bought me for a high price.  I am a son and heir.  I am redeemed and Loved.  There is Grace.  

  Taking one step further here with the Grace.  I am just as much to blame for getting hurt in many of these situations.  So to hold a grudge or withhold grace is not fair or right. I might want to run for the hills when I get hurt.  I might feel so embarrassed that I can’t stand to look at the person, but Grace.  I have to show it.  I have to extend this gift that has been so freely and richly given to me.  That doesn’t  me that I be flippant with my heart.  It just means that I treat them with the love and respect that I would want to be treat with.  

   Why did I write this long and somewhat oversharing blog!?  haha   I honestly have no clue.  I think sometimes I feel more settled when I write things out, and if by writing this out and sharing it with you all  it encourages or challenges someone else then its a win in my book.  

  One last thing.  To those in my life that have unfortunately gone through this cycle with me, I want to say I am sorry.  Im sorry that I haven’t always responded in grace to you.  Im in process.  This messy man is learning.  And to those dear friends in my life, I want to say thank you for being my rocks and loving me and redirecting me back to Truth and back to Jesus.  Thanks for being there for the tears and breakdowns.  Your love and friendship is a precious gift to me.  

After the Honeymoon

I have neglected my blog!  The last few weeks have been going non stop.  Lots of rehearsals and running around.  Trying to get sleep and then going and rehearsing some more.  I am loving this new show though.  It is different than the typical show here but I like the feel of it and I love the truth that is so clear throughout.  
    Outside of work I think my life has felt like its been put on hold.  Everything kinda feels like it stood still for a bit....and now its starting to move again.   I think when you are in rehearsals it is kinda like the honeymoon stage.  Its new and exciting and no matter how hard the work or how long the hours overall there is a feeling of anticipation.  Then life sets in.  The Run of the show happens and you are forced to face the aches and pains of every day life.  The sore and sprained muscles, the gossip and interpersonal relationships, and the insecurities.  Good and bad collide and you choose to have a good attitude or bad.....daily.  
   So right now my life feels like the honeymoon period of this year has finished.  The start of this year has been great.  I have made some amazing new friends and feel like theres such a great community of people around me.  I feel supported and loved and known!  What a blessing!  There are challenges on the table though that I have not wanted to deal with fully.  There are friendships that need mending and boundaries that need set.  There are bad habits that I have ignored and now need to  knock out.  There is a perspective and a focus that needs to be placed back where it should be.  
    Im so hopeful though.  Hopeful because I have yet to face a challenge or a joy where the Lord hasn't been all over it.  He's provided so much for me, and continues to.  I went from feeling disconnected and lonely to feeling like I have some close solid friends here.  I have an amazing apartment with an awesome roommate.  We have had our challenges but even that has been a blessing and growing opportunity.  I have a dog that, although he likes to eat things that are bad for him, I adore.  No matter the struggle, weather it be financial, or spiritual, or emotional the Lord has been there guiding and sustaining through it all.  So although this honeymoon period is closing up, and although i have some fear of challenges ahead and insecurities that are under the surface, I am trusting.  Making that daily choice to believe and rest in Gods amazing Grace.  Just like this show Samson is so beautiful showing, Gods grace is perfect.  His loves is beyond what we can imagine or understand.  Our job is just to embrace that Love and walk in it,  knowing that his ways are best.

I'm Tired...im going to go lie down!

So, one of my goals for this year was to try and write a post once a week.  This is proving to be a little bit of a challenge because I don't have that exciting of a life that I have a plethora of things to talk about, and I think if I keep writing about my personal growth and learning people might get bored...but that is also the people pleaser in me, and I made this goal so here we go.  haha
    This past week has been an interesting one for me.  I have been faced with several situations that just made me feel angry, Made me feel frustrated, and made me feel used.   Swirling around in my brain are all these emotions that maybe only half are valid feelings.  So it has taken a conscious effort to try and navigate through the mess of pride and entitlement and see what is really going on. 
   I think something we all want in life is to be loved.  I think we all want deep connections and to be able to share parts of our Journey with friends and also with a romantic relationship.  We desire to be known and to have people on our side.  Somewhere along the way as we grow older these relationships become way more complicated.  We aren't just going outside to play tether ball with our friends we are navigating though jaded hearts and confrontations.  We don't take our bikes and go on adventures we say something hurtful and cause riffs and brokenness.  Im not saying that this is all that relationships are as adults but I think there is an element of innocence that is lost.  An element I want back!  haha.  
     I love being around kids.  I love how free they are and how fearless they are.  I love seeing them explore and make-believe different games.  I love how trusting they are that they will be ok.   Jesus even talked about having faith like a child.  Faith without conditions.  Faith because you love him so much that you will follow Him.  So how do we get to that place?  With our relationships with each other and with our relationship with Jesus?  I honestly don't really know.  I think in our day to day the challenge, at least for me, is to realize that I am not entitled to be loved by anyone.  I am not entitled to have someone choose me. I also have to learn to let go of the hopeful expectation that what I put out there will be returned back to me from People.  Just because you are there for someone and just because you support and encourage does not bind them to you in any way.  You have to love without expectations!  THAT IS SO HARD!  The reality though is this.....loving with expectations isn't love at all....its manipulation.  Such a punch to the pride to say but its true.  
    So we lay aside our expectations.  We work the selfless muscle in our brains and nurture it.  We fight through the natural desire to get something in return.  This isn't denying your needs as a person its just not relying on other people to fulfill them.  There in lies the deficit that I feel when I try and do this.  If I don't get anything in return and I push to give and give without receiving then where do I get filled back up.  CHALLENGE!  I naturally want to run to things that might not be the best for me.  There are a variety of options of seduce me one way or another.  So here is where the primary relationship with Jesus comes in.  At least for me, I believe that the most fulfilling and stable relationship that I will ever have is with Him.  So when people fail, and when people hurt.  When I have poured out my heart to depletion I have to cling to him.  I have to trust him.....just like those kids I watch playing and trusting with reckless abandon.....I have to trust that Jesus is there.  He has promises that are true and solid and secure.  He has everything that I need to fill back up so that I can try again to be selfless with my day to day relationships.  Again....this is SO HARD! I think it gets easier though.  As a friend just talked to me about this week...the more we live in that place of dependance and grip on Jesus the more we live fulfilled and thriving.  
    I will always have moments like I did this week.  I will get my feelings hurt or my heart broken because of one thing or another.  I just have to remember that it doesn't have to be as complicated as I make it.  It doesn't have to control me or take me down a path that isn't what I desire.  I have a choice.   Fill back up with bitterness and anger, or fill back up with Jesus.  Fill back up with the peace and joy that comes from him so that I can continue to love people and I can continue to trust people and pour out and be alive in relationships with friends; and someday a spouse I pray! 
   So there ya go.  Ramblings of an emotional man.  haha  Dear Diary its me Curtis.  :-) Praying this week is better, and that we all can be shown the Love of Jesus in new and exciting ways and then be able to show that Love to the people around us.  Stay strong y'all.  We're in this together!
     

The Roaring 20's

  Tonight I am sitting here in my normal spot on my bed, with Charlie dog snuggled up next to me, and just thinking about tomorrow being my last day in my 20s.  On Monday I turn the big 30!  I can't believe it!  For some reason for me this is a big one.  Normally birthdays are just another day but this one has me thinking so much more and reflecting.  Thinking about this last 10 years of life in my 20s that are suppose to be some of the best, and honestly they have been.
   I have traveled the world! I have gone to Germany, the Netherlands (twice),  Belgium, Austria, The Czech Republic, England, Portugal, and Cameroon Africa! I have sang in beautiful old cathedrals and  watched some amazing Theater productions in the West End.  I have trecked around an unknown city with 3 other friends and pretended to do the Amazing Race in Lisbon.  I have played soccer with african children and got to love on them and be reminded of how so very fortunate I am to live in American and have all my needs provided for.  I have eaten so much food!!! Some good, and some not so good.  Some people go their entire lives without having these kind of adventures and I got to do it in abundance! I am so so blessed!  Thank you Lord for allowing me to see and experience and be a part of so many different cultures.  It has changed my life.
    I went to college and I am actually using my degree!!  I have thankfully worked consistently since I graduated and had the privilege of learning so much about my craft from some of the most amazing friends along the way.   I am still learning and still trying to be better and thanks to the actors I get work beside right now at Sight and Sound I am supported on that path. I got to sing on a cruise ship with one of my best friends in the world Erika.  So many experiences!  So many challenges!  So much Learning!  Thank you so much Lord for these precious gifts you have given me.  Thank you for my voice!  Thank you for my ability to dance!  Thank you for my ability to act!  Being able to express myself through the arts has honestly saved my life.  The Lord knew what he was doing when he set me down this path.
    I have had some amazing relationships.  I have been so blessed to fall in love.  So thankful To have experienced that and to look forward to that again with someone someday.  Although those relationships in the past ended I am so thankful for them and what they taught me and how they shaped me into the man I am today.  I have been blessed with some incredible friends who have walked through so so much life with me.  Who have seen me at my worst and celebrated with me at my best!  I am surrounded with friends that are more like family to me than just friends.  I know for a fact they will be a part of my life forever.  Those of you know who you are and I adore each of you so so much!  You are my rocks in the journey!  Thank you Lord for friends and relationships!  Thank you for a future family you have for me.  I pray for it every day.
    I have gone through ups and downs with my family and seen some pretty tough times.  We have trudged through communication issues and life choices and hurt hearts and pride, but we are strong and have pushed through so so much.  Thank you Lord for my family and constantly transforming and growing us.  Pray your continued hand on each of us as individuals and as a whole family.
   As I am thinking back through all of this.  All of the challenges and hardships.  All the tears and all the laughter.  All the adventures and all those quiet moments drinking a glass of wine with friends.  I am just humbled and blessed and thankful and hopeful.  Hopeful for a future that is bright.  Hopeful for more growth and more adventures.  What a journey this past 30 years has been, and even though parts of me have a hard time with being this age and not having the "american dream" with the white picket fence and family, a huge part of me is celebrating the life that I have had.  There is no time frame on when or even if things have to be a certain way.  The beauty of my journey is that it is just that.....its mine.
   I read this quote tonight and really liked it.
"I will not be hardened; I will let people in.  I will be vulnerable and unashamed of my story, for my story gives me courage, and has the power to give courage to others suffering as I have. I will not let fear control me.  I will believe that the end of things does not have to define the experience.  I will reject resentment and regret.  I will not believe the lies that I feel in the face of hurt.  I am beautiful, worthy of love and belonging.  My future is brighter than any flashback.  I am even MORE than the wars I have won."  Bonnie McRae
    My 20s were a beautiful battlefield, and that quote I think sums up this turning 30 for me.  Bring it on!   Thank you so much Lord for allowing me to be your child.  Thank you for loving me through it all.  Thank you for these last 30 years and for protecting me.  Thank you for your provision and guidance.  Thank you for continually growing me into the man you want me to be.  I pray for your hand to continue to be on my life.  I pray for wisdom and courage to face whatever is coming ahead.  I pray for peace in the stillness of day to day life, and encouragement and endurance for the journey before me.   I love you so much!

Ouch Charlie...That Hurt

The other day I was talking to a friend.  Airing some frustrations that I had been having and just felt a little cranky in general for one reason or another.  My friend out of no where responded.."Oh Curtis, you are such a child."   Needless to say I was taken aback.  I, true to form, shut down and went into my brain.  Why would she call me that?  What caused that?  Am I being a child?  etc. etc.

    Fast forward to tonight and I was hanging out with another friend who I was processing through some life with and He was showing so much grace in the situations that we were discussing.  As I was speaking I felt like I had an out of body experience in that I starting listening to my words and how jaded they were.  I was spitting venom based of past hurts.  I was reacting to people based on how I had been treated by them in the past.  "Well, I felt like this then and they didn't care so why should I care now?"  WHAT!?!? Who am I?

    Am I being the child that is mad because he didn't get what he wanted and now won't do anything? Am I seriously throwing a temper tantrum?  I am almost 30! As much as I hate to admit it my friend was right.  I am a child.  A hurt child stuck in a mans body with a mans stubbornness.  So what do you do when you have been hurt, and then find yourself feeling good, but the person who hurt you now is hurting....that was a long sentence.  I think we all know the answer to that one.  You love them.  In spite of the wound.  In spite of the frustration.  You love them because you are not them.  You push through because, at least for me, I have got the Love of Jesus in my heart and if I am not showing that to them then where is the fruit of that?  I can whine and complain about how I have been wronged or hurt or used, but all that is going to do is waste a lot of time and energy.  

   How many times have I been shown grace?  How many times have I hurt someone, intentionally or unintentionally?  How many times have I left my own wake of destruction and frustration because of my actions?  More times than I care to admit.  Yet I am loved.  I have some treasured friends.  I am blessed with a roof over my head and clothes on my back.  So how dare I refuse to show the same grace and kindness to others.  Especially those who have hurt me.  Especially to those that I feel have left wounds in my life. 

   I think part of me fears that if I love them, whats going to make them not get back up and hurt me again. If I help them through something then what if they get strong again and turn on me and leave me.  Obviously deeper issues lie here, but I think there's a lot of us that have that fear.  I guess the answer that I can come up with is...so what.  haha   I think there is a certain amount of boundaries that we all need is this life with people.  I think they are healthy in any relationship.  So, if someone hurts you, you love them but set a boundary.  If they hurt you again, you love them but set another boundary.  You can adjust them as growth happens in each of those relationships.  This isn't to say wall them off  but to allow the buffer of that safe boundary to protect you from going to far.  To protect you from getting hurt.  

    I don't know why I went on a rant about this tonight, other than the fact that I needed to process it out.  So here it is....Dear Diary....its me Curtis.   :-)   I am just continually humbled by the way the Lord speaks and teaches us.  Teaches me.  I love how tender he is with me and yet so blunt at the same time.  I love that he uses unlikely people or situations to speak truth.  I love how he is the perfect example of grace and love.  This blog sometimes seems silly to me, but I love hearing peoples  journeys and I love when people are transparent and real.  Figure I should be willing to share and be the same.  Thankful for you all who read this and thankful for a God who allows a messy man to grow and learn.