Taking the Stinger Out (and some rambling along the way)

   I think I am in a constant state of learning.  I think we all are.  Thats the beauty of our journeys.  No one ever fully arrives.  No one ever has it all together and all perfect.  So when we look at our relationships we see that learning curve in interesting ways sometimes.  

    

    I have been blessed with some amazing people in my life.  I have journeyed for different seasons with different people and there are some who have remained a constant in my life.  To those people I am beyond grateful.  I can’t imagine getting through some of my lowest times without them.  I can’t imagine celebrating some of the best times with them.  

   

    The thing with relationships, weather romantic or otherwise, is there is this huge risk involved that each person has to take in order for that relationship to grow.  The first time you share your thoughts.  The first time you open up about past mistakes.  The first time you speak truth.  The first time you disagree.  Each things creates a bond if you choose to let it.  

   

    The kicker with the vulnerably is that you risk getting hurt.  You risk putting your heart out there and then getting it bruised a bit.  Rejection is a part of life and challenges us to grow and to become resilient.  All of us have experienced its sting and all of us can probably point out a time where it propelled us forward to something else.  To something that we were suppose to see.  

    

    Right now for me I am feeling the sting.  That punch to the gut feeling of powerlessness.  A risk was taken.  Growth is happening and I am learning that the thing that stings the most is my constant state of fear.  Fear of not being enough.  Fear of not measuring up to a standard that I have placed on myself that is far too high.  The fear that I can’t fix it.  

   

    As my friend Mina and I were talking the other day she hit me with some truth that applied to my life at the moment.  My fear in reality is selfishness.  I can’t fix anything.  I can’t be anything to anyone.  That is the Lords work.  That is Christ in me.  Nothing that I have to give on my own strength is worth it.   So yes, I feel hurt.   Yes, I feel like I am not enough.  Yes I feel like I am broken.  The truth is still the same though and will always be the same.  No matter how broken I am, I am still made whole.  No matter how much I don’t measure up I am still lifted.  No matter how much I fail to fix, it is all redeemed.  It is all covered by Jesus who paid the cost for all of that.  Who looked at me…selfish and broken…and said….HE IS WORTHY OF LOVE!  HE IS MY CREATION!  

   

    So today I still feel the sting, but I am trying not to be so afraid. I am trying to rest in the arms of the one who comforts better than anyone on this earth.  Resting in the arms of the one who always is consistent.  Resting in the arms of someone who truly loves me well and unconditionally.  

   

    Fear is a Liar.  Jesus is Truth.

End of the Year Thoughts

     

I have started writing this several times now and I am not really sure what I am wanting to say here.  There wasn't anything that was totally life changing that happened to me this year.  I guess that is a good thing maybe.  A year of peace can be nice, but it wasn't necessarily smooth sailing.  I think that is the beauty of the journey though.  We are constantly growing and being challenged in little and big ways transform us into the people we are suppose to be.  The people God is shaping and growing us into. 

      

     This year was the year of ailments for me.  I have never in my life felt so broken physically.  From breaking my foot.  To achy ankles and feet and back.  To feeling like I was losing my voice.  All these things I use for my lively hood and to have them feel not secure was shaking me.  Challenging where I have placed my significance.  It was humbling and growing.  I know I just turned thirty this year but it was a sobering fact to think that I am getting older.  

     

    This year was also filled with people coming in and out of my life.  From dear friends moving away to maintaining the relationships with friends miles away back home in Missouri.  From setting up boundaries to walking away from relationships that needed to be walked away from to continue me on the journey I have been placed.  I value relationships more the most anything so this was probably the most challenging bit of 2016 for me.  To continue to build community in the new place I am living.  To put myself out there and be vulnerable in order to build authentic friendships.  To realize that some people are just out to use and discard what you bring, and others are there to walk along side and journey with and sharpen.  I have been blessed with some amazing friendships and also blessed with some amazing growing opportunities in learning how to be a better friend and how to not allow relationships that aren't healthy to stay.  

    

      This year I have have had the blessing of getting to spend some quality time with family visiting up in Pennsylvania.  I have been blessed to see my family through fresh eyes and the Lord has been faithful to restore and grow parts of those relationships that needed some help.  I feel like there is more understanding and more grace.  I am so thankful for the growth that I have seen in my Dad and I’s relationship.  Not that things were horrible but I think we are similar creatures and emotions can get lost in the mix.  Im blessed to be able to talk and share and journey with my Dad more than ever now.  

     

      I think overall those are the highlights for me this year.  I think the beauty of what the Lord does in our lives is that it most times is the subtle undercurrent the directs the flow of our lives and if we are sensitive to it, and not fight the direction it is prompting, we will see blessing and growth that is waiting.  I have fought that current at many points this year, no surprise from this stubborn man, but I am thankful the Lord brought me through this year and grew me for the better.  I am blessed with so so much and thankful for the Lords provision in literally every part of my life.  Cheers my friends to the end of this year.  I pray Gods blessing over the final hours of 2016 and pray that next year is filled with Joy, Peace, Growth, Learning, and Freedom!  You are all so Loved!  Rest in that!

Bitter Roots

     It is the Holiday season and things are in full swing right now. The buying of gifts and the hustling from Christmas Party to Christmas Party.  Laughter and merriment are being dished out like a grandpa giving out Werthers originals.  (I am craving one of those right now….hence the reference.)

     

       In the midst of all that, we are wrapping up another season of the show that I am currently in.  My body is tired, my spirit is tired.  I feel beaten up especially this season for some reason.  I have never been more ready for a few weeks off coming in January.  

     

       I think the reason I am so worn down is growing pains.  This year has brought a lot of stuff to the surface in my life.  Good, bad, and very Ugly.  So many areas of growth and change.  So many relationships that brought about great joy and also mountains of heart ache.  I think I made a choice at some point this season to allow some of the bitter seeds to take root, and as a result there is a vine of anger that has grown and wraps itself around the joy that is still in great supply in my life.  Blinding me from actually seeing what amazing blessings the Lord has given me this year.  

     

     I think the lesson I am learning now as I am trying to tear down this vine that has over grown, is that although it may seem just like one little seed of bitter or jadedness, that seed grows quickly and quietly.  I didn’t keep it in check.  I didn’t pull the weed out when I noticed it getting a little bit bigger I just let it go.  Brushing it aside thinking that I would deal with it later.  Well later is finally here and I have a lot more work to do. 

     

      I think when we gain freedom in our lives it is scary.  I think to be let out of chains or out into a world that is free of the struggles that we once had we don’t know quite how to function.  Its like learning to walk again.  Fear sets in and rather than just taking the first two steps and not being afraid of falling a couple times as you learn to walk, we create new chains.  Thats what I have done. 

   

      Restoration is a word that has been used so much in my life.  Just thrown around in hope filled conversations about how things will be.  Never fully believing it will happen, but it would make me feel better for a bit….and then I would just repeat my encouragement mantras and keep trucking along.  I feel like this season I have experienced some real restoration though.  It is such a gift and it is scary and vulnerable and shaky but it is real and it is precious.  

    

      So now, in this season that is filled with the reminders of Gods grace in sending his Son Jesus for us, I am reminded that I am blessed.  That I am forgiven.  That I am redeemed.  That I am chosen.  That I am free!  We all are.  Today, I am pulling down one of the bitter vines that has over grown.  I am looking at the gift of restoration the Lord has given my heart and tossing this first section of withered dead vines to the fire.  There is a process left to do.  Some of the roots have gone deeper than I thought, but the work has begun and with God grace it will continue to be.  

   

     So as this Christmas quickly approaches, I want to say thank you to a savior who loves me.  To a family who has been through so much but the Lord has held together by his amazing Grace.  To friends who have become dear family to me and have constantly redirected my back to Christ.  I am blessed!  This bag of bitter seeds that I still carry with me I am emptying out this morning into the trash and grabbing a spoon full of sugar cookie dough from the fridge because….why not!  Merry Christmas y’all.  Love you guys!

Light It Up

     So This morning i was out walking my dog Charlie and I couldn’t help but notice the nature around me.  Fall is in full swing here in Pennsylvania and the leaves are changing colors and putting on a show that I love to watch every year.  Fall is one of my favorite seasons.  Something about it just brings peace and rest.  Cozy clothes.  Warm colors.  Hot drinks.  I love it.

  

     I was walking early enough this morning that the sun wasn’t totally out when I first started.  As we were walking the sun started peaking its head over the buildings I was around and little by little lighting up the trees.  It was as though the trees were lit on fire once the light touched them.  The colors that were somewhat dull were transformed into stunning vibrant shades or orange, yellow, and red.  I just stopped for a moment at a particularly beautiful tree and just watch it come to life in front of me.  

   

    Then I started thinking about what fall is.  Everything is dying.  Its finishing its life cycle and preparing to start a new one in the spring.  What I found beautiful this morning in watching this tree is that in the midst of death there was life.  In the midst of the leaves that were dying, once the sun hit them, they were brilliant and alive!  They were reflections of the sun itself in the beauty and light of their colors.  

   

    I think this is also true for us.  Its true for me anyway.  We are all dead in our sin.  We are walking wounded people.  Everyone has baggage and hurts and struggles and pains.  Everyone has seasons in their life that are so so hard.  The beauty of the savior we have is that he is the light.  He is the sun shining on the death that brings it to life.  He sets our lives on fire into beautiful stunning creations that bring glory to him because he is in the business of Life and of Light.  

    

     I think we sometimes get so caught up in the game of right and wrong and how good of a person I can be and what list of things can I accomplish in order to be approved of or loved.  The fact of the matter is……He is the good in us.  He is the approval we need.  He is the Love that sustains.  The rest is just dying leaves that are withered on the ground.  He transforms our dead and dying hearts into living vibrant creations!  

    

    So as I sip my warm coffee in my cozy jacket I am thankful for the Light the Lord is shining in my life.  I am thankful for how he has transformed many areas of my life from dying leaves to vibrant colors.  I am thankful that in the midst of hardship and struggle and day to day life I can see the fire..the life..the love that comes from a savior who is in the details of our lives.  Im Thankful that he is working in all of your lives as well.  I pray we all have eyes to see the beauty, the life, the Light!

Little Sparrow

     
     So, a couple days ago I was sitting in my room reading and my dog Charlie jumped down from being nestled beside me and ran up to the attic.  I didn’t think much of it because he normally will move if he hears another dog or something that requires his investigation.  All of a sudden though I hear a crash up stairs and realize there is more than just a curiosity of whats outside going on.  He was trying to get at something.  

    After I climbed the stairs I see this poor bird had flown into the attic through one of the two small windows up there.  It was stuck in one section of the room desperately trying to figure out how to avoid the brute of a dog that had only one thing on his mind…its a toy.  Or maybe two things…he was probably thinking it was food as well.  

    I got charlie out of the room and came back upstairs with a towel and tried to figure out the best way to get this little guy free.  I slowly went up to it.  Letting the towel hang lose and then gently went around the bird.  It tried to get away at first but then resigned itself to what was about to happen.  I gently carried it to the window and set on the edge.  It sat there for a moment, I assume trying to get it bearings, then flew away. 

   I got to thinking about that whole situation through the lens of my own life.  I like to think that the Lord is an artist and loves to find creative ways to teach us new things or remind us of truth. Using his creation as tools. In this situation I was reminded of how I am so much like that bird.  

   I am ultimately set free because of what Christ did on the cross, but in the midst of my journey living in this freedom sometimes I put myself in positions to be in bondage yet again.  I fly into a place that seems inviting and then find a predator there waiting for me.  There are whole chapters of my life where I can look back and see that I was flying around a room desperate for freedom but kept getting distracted by this thing or that thing.  Thats when the Father steps in and gently brings me back to truth.  Brings me back to freedom. I feel like I am kind of in one of those seasons right now.  There is so much uncertainty with so many different aspects of my life that I just want to hide, but I can’t because life keeps moving and decisions have to be made.  Just like the Bird trying to make decisions of how to get outta there. 

   I think there is an automatic fear with uncertainty.  The constant what am I going to do if this doesn’t happen?  How am I going to pay this?  Will I always be alone?  What is my future?  Will I be on the streets?  Being in theater and also an emotional being my "what if" thoughts can take me on quite the roller coaster.  

   I think if we stop and listen though there is some beauty in the uncertainty.  Just like that little bird had to stop in order for me to hold it and carry it to freedom, I too have to be still enough for the Father to take hold of those fears and free me from them.  In stead of trying to figure out a way out and constantly try and game plan like the bird was trying to find that window, sometimes we just have to be still and let the Lord show us the path out…even if it means him carrying us.   I find myself leaning more and more on the Lord carrying me. There is so much noise in the world.  So much distraction.  I find myself craving the quiet and stillness.  

    I don’t know where that Bird went after I set it free.  What new adventures it went on or how it provided for itself.  God knows our path though.  He has provision waiting for us.  He has a purpose and plan.  The cliches are rolling here but I know that he is in the details of it all because I have experienced it in my own life time and time again.  God is good.  So be still.  Let him carry you if you need to be carried.  Let him sit with you if you need to be comforted.  He is Good.  He is peace that passes all understanding and he just wants to share that with us.  

Broken Foot and Lifted Spirits

    

    On June 20th I was doing what I love to do more than most anything in the world, which is performing on stage.  I loved what I was doing but my heart just seemed out of it and weary though.  From my own personal struggles to watching friends face things that I wished I could take from them, I just felt weight.  I remember countless prayers that I lifted for answers, for direction.

   So that day started just like any other.  I was doing my track and finished the first show and made it a little way into the second show and one of my worst fears as an actor happened.  I got injured on stage.  I had broken my foot at the beginning of a scene and a mixture of “the show must go on” and pain rushed over me.  I was going through a mental check list of what I needed to do and finally got off stage and the bad news came that I would need to go to the hospital.  

   I felt horrible.  I felt a huge wave of guilt that I was letting everyone down come over me.  I was heart broken.  I dance, this is my livelihood and now I am sidelined.  I went to the urgent care and was told that I might have to have a screw put in my foot which would potentially prevent me from fully dancing again.  So many thoughts rushing as medical terms and game plans for recovery were being thrown at me.  I remember thinking “Lord, what are you doing to me?”   

    Then I got an email from Katie Miller reaching out to encourage me, knowing that this would be a difficult thing for me to face.  She said that she felt like there was something in this for me.  That the Lord had good for me in the midst of feeling like my world had just been shaken up pretty good.  She was right!

    I went to the orthopedic surgeon the next day and was told that thankfully I didnt need surgery.  He went on to say that the muscles and ligaments were strong enough and flexible enough that it literally just allowed the bone to break and then popped it right back into place.  There was no sprain, to tearing, nothing but the broken bone itself.  It was a miracle.  

   Although this was great news it still didn’t get me back in the show the next day.  I was put in an air cast and told I couldn’t do the show for 4 weeks so the bone could heal back. I was being forced to be still! NOOOOO!

   I started the first day back at work learning to call the show with Amberlee Barker.  I put on my positive attitude and my smile and faced the day.  Inside I was hurting, seeing my fellow cast mates have to cover my track.  Knowing what it feels like to have extra things added to an already exhausting show.  I felt guilty.  I felt shame.  Add onto that the ache of watching my friends doing the show while I sat wishing I could just get up and dance again.  Discouragement was thick in my heart and head. Thankfully, the Lord is so good and knows me so well.  He is a God of little details.   

    I put on my headset and started my journey of learning a different side of theater that I hadn’t experienced much of.  I was in the booth with Mel Lewis, Amberlee, Curt, and Terri.  Mel is the best at encouragment.  “Excellent Well!” is her response most days when you ask how she is doing.  Amberlee is just an authentic human who loves hearing peoples stories.  She desires to truly know people and their hearts and serve them where they are at.  She also really loves theater! Curt is a brother who I just enjoy being around, and Terri is a machine and not only was she good at her job, she cared for people at the same time.  Each of these individuals were used to turn my discouraged heart back into the encouraged and hopeful one that it was.  Each day learning and laughing and sharing I grew to know and love them more than I ever had before.  I realized how much they do, how much they care, and their hearts for not just their jobs but for the Lord and serving others.  It was awesome.  

   In the midst of learning I got the chance to interact more with the house staff than I normally had.  They are Artists!  From fashion designers, to photographers, to musicians. Each of them has an amazing story and feel called here.  I was looking at my own situation discouraged because I couldn’t do what I love every day, and then I encountered these amazing people who could literally be successful thriving artists, but feel called right now to serve in this way in this time.  I was humbled. 

   Im hearing techs working so hard to make the show run smoothly so that we as actors can function on stage without fear.  I am surround by a building full of people, functioning for one purpose, and that is to bring Glory to God.  Getting an opportunity to step outside my normal situation and see a glimpse of the church.  Many parts forming one body to accomplish our mission.  I never would have truly gotten to see that if I hadn’t broken my foot.  

   Fast forward a bit and I was given the opportunity to continue doing my work while injured at the Branson theater which is where I started.  Branson is home for me.  I grew up just north of there.  I got to Branson and was reunited with the community I love so dearly there.  I got blessed by my grandparents to stay in their cabin while there which was void of internet and tv.  I would be disconnected!  

   I was encouraged, challenged, and filled by people that know me very well.  My heart was full, but torn.  Both locations have become home for me.  We have two theaters with very different dynamics, but both have a heart for Jesus.  Half way through my time in Branson I was sitting in the cabin I was staying in and having my quiet time.  The stillness of being disconnected created a bit of anxiety in me.  I had no where to hide.  I couldn’t hide behind my show, I could hide behind distractions.  I was bare and exposed before the Lord.  My fears and struggles and heart aches all just came rushing to the surface.  

    I love to encourage people and Love people.  My goal and desire is to make people feel supported and heard.  I would rather help someone else than deal with my own issues.  In this still time I finally was forced to do that.  Forced to lay my baggage down and get some healing for my heart.  Forced to admit that I can’t do it all, I can’t be there for everyone all the time. Forced to admit that I have needs and that that is ok.  I began to sob because for the first time in awhile I felt the weight lifted.  I felt like I could breath again.   He Restores My Soul!

    After spending quality time with my friends and precious time with my Family I left Branson and came back to Pennsylvania.  I came back with fresh eyes and a lighter heart.  I came back worshiping a God who knows just what we need when we need it.  

    I am now out of my air cast and slowly getting back into the show. I am beyond thankful for this gift the Lord gave me in the unsettling package of a broke foot.  I am so grateful for a community of people that supported me through it all.  I am so amazed and humbled by the people I get to work with.  From my fellow actors on the stage to the front of house staff.  Each and every person has SO MUCH VALUE and I am so thankful that I got to see that in a different way during this time.  We are the body of Christ.  We are together in this journey, sometimes we just have to be still…or be forced to be still…. and open our eyes to see it. To repeat what my friend Katie said, There is something in this for you!  The Good that God has is there, we just have to be willing and open to receive it.

Running Running Running

   This morning I woke up super early.  I wanted to sleep more but my body was just saying it was time to rise and shine and give God the glory glory!  haha  Anywho, I figured since I had a little more time this morning I would take advantage and write a little blog.  I have been doing my Vlog for a little bit now and it has taken over but I miss writing too so I want to keep up with this.  I guess I have a lot to say.  lol
    I was talking to my friend Jenny yesterday about how I have been feeling super home sick lately.  I have never been one to feel that way but for some reason that button got pressed and I have been navigating though that.    The Branson leadership team from the theater I worked at there was visiting a week ago and there was something about the safety and comfortability I felt with them that just made me rest for a second. When they left I cried.  Which is no real surprise for people who know me, but I feel like this wasn't the typical Curtis being emotional.  It was something more.  
    Jenny mentioned in our conversation the fact that I have moved a lot and that this is probably the longest I have ever lived in one place.  I started thinking about that and she is right.  During college I moved dorm rooms and changed roommates almost every semester!  Then I left Branson and moved to Tennessee.  There I lived in 4 places in the two years I was there.  Then I went on the ship for a little bit, got back to Branson after and probably moved 6 times in the 5 years I was back.  So then I moved up to Pennsylvania last year and I have lived in the same place and the same apartment for 2 years straight by the end of this contract.  That seems crazy to me!  For a guy who thrives off of stability and routine I feel super antsy being still.  
   I think that is something that the Lord is challenging me in.  I think I have baggage that needs to be unpacked.  I think I have insecurities that need to be dealt with.  I think I have relationships that need to be mended and restored.  I think I have relationships that need to be ended.  I think there are a list of areas that the Lord has been trying to deal with me in and I have hid behind constantly moving and going even when staying in the same town in order to stay occupied.  I have in essence been running away.  I never looked at it like that before until my conversation yesterday and I just felt like the Lord smacked me across the face with it.  
   No matter where I am or what I am doing there are going to be challenges.  That is true for all of us.  I think the real challenge and the real strength comes from being still in that space and choosing to grow there.  Being still in that space and choosing joy and hope over frustration and depression.   I have a beautiful life here in Pennsylvania.  I have a community of people here that I love, and I believe that the more I open myself up to seeing what the Lord is doing here in this space the more I will flourish and grow.  Rather than closing off and protecting all the time, I need to open myself up to being used.  I need to open myself up to serving and loving more here. 
    The thing that was also interesting to me is that I was just as closed off and protected in Branson.  It just looked different because it was home.  So here in this new place and in this new community I have an opportunity to change the cycle.  I have an opportunity to grow and be challenged, and to take the challenges and run with them.  Run to a Father who loves me and is ready for me to be a part of what he is doing.  
   So here I am, Curtis Wilson.  My biggest desire is to see people happy, and for them to know that they are loved and have value.  For the larger part of my life I have struggled with that belief for myself and still deal with it, which is why I think I want to make sure others don't.  That being said, I live above an amazing little cafe called Splits and Giggles.  If you ever want to grab a coffee or an ice cream and talk about life, let me know because I am here!  It there is any way I can encourage or be there for you let me know because I am here!   Being still and present in the space and the season you are in can be a challenge but lets embrace it and lift each other up in the process.  Love you guys!