Floral Prints and Planted Hearts

     I am currently wearing an obscenely floral shirt.  I just saw it in the store and thought how cool it was and how I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off.  I then looked at the price, and I was sold on taking the risk.  In wearing this shirt today I starting thinking how many metaphors have been thrown out about flowers.  Roses and love ,and how every rose has its thorns, and how love is beautiful and also painful.  The counting of petals as you rip them off to explain how sexual abstinence is good, and if you keep giving yourself away you will only have a stem to give to your future life partner.  So many comparisons to these beautiful delicate creations.  I am not sure why those came to the top of my mind, but there ya go!  

    I love flowers.  I love the smell.  I love the work it takes to cultivate and maintain flowers.  I love how some are delicate but some are actually rather hearty.  I love how they are given as gifts for both happy and sad occasions.  Flowers just have something about them that you can’t ignore.  They are special.  

    I can understand why so many people compare us as humans to flowers.  All the same things apply to us….well aside from being given as gifts.  haha.  We are beautiful, delicate but hearty.  We take work.  We smell….good and bad.   We are unique and individual and can’t be ignored.  I think what I was thinking about today regarding the parallels, is that not every flower is going to be taken care of the same way.  Each one has different needs.  All are beautiful in their own right, but the needs of a Rose are different than the needs of an Orchid.  

     I planted a few rose bushes at my old cottage.  I loved them so much but I had to figure out the best way to care for them.  I was told they are super hearty and that once you get them going they pretty much take care of themselves.  They just need alot of attention at first.  The ground has to be conducive to a good root system.  They need lots of water.  They need good  direct sunlight.  Once they take off, and the conditions in which they are planted are good, they will bloom and thrive.  I also had some Begonias that I planted that had totally different needs.  They needed less water and less direct sun.  In order for them to survive I couldn’t put them under the same rules for growth.  They would never thrive like that.  

    Here is the comparison I was thinking on.  We all have different needs.  We all are fed and function differently and to put everyone under the same set of rules and regulations would be foolish.  I am not talking about general rules.  Flowers all need water and all need some form of light…we all need guidelines and guardrails.  Look across the board for humans though.  We have conservatives and liberals.  We have Southern Baptists, catholics, pentecostals, and methodists.  We have outdoorsy people and those who prefer life indoors.  The list could go on and on.  Each person on their individual journey has different needs and different things that make them thrive.  Things that bring out passions and excitement.  Things that make them fall in love.  Things that make them angry.  At the end of the day though, just like with flowers planted and cared for according to what is best for them, we becomes a beautiful garden of humanity.  All the colors and shapes and sizes.  All the diversity of texture and depth.  

     Have you ever been to a really well cared for garden?  You can’t help but stop and admire its beauty and take it all in.  So, that  brings me to my long winded point.  Make sure you are planted where you should be, and are cared for in the way in which you need.  All the basics still apply.  If you are a person of  faith that is the basic food and water we need.  For others that might be different.  Then we move forward.  Some will need to be planted where there are lots of people.  Some will need to be planted in the isolated places of Northern Montana.  Some people need the arts…. like me.  Others need a sports stadium within 10 minutes.  Some need a community that has strict rules and regulations because they function well in that world.  Some need to feel more of a freedom in the midst of their structure.  

      I am realizing this more and more as I grow older and figure myself out, one layer at a time.  I use to think that I needed to stay in middle America.  I thought I would always feel the most at home there.  For awhile I thought that New York City was the place for me.  So many opportunities and excitement! Then I realized I need to be planted where I can have a little bit of both worlds.  City and country life at my fingertips sprinkled with the arts and culture that bring me to life.  That is where I grow and thrive the most.  I was raised Southern Baptist, but that is not where I grow and thrive the most.  That is not where I am fed to the fullest.  I still hold to my faith, but that denomination I have found isn’t for me as a whole.  Doesn’t make it bad at all…just isn’t where I need to be planted and fed.  Where do you need to be planted? 

     We all have to figure out what it is that feeds us and where is the best place to plant our hearts.  We are tasked with figuring that out.  No one else will be able to tell you…..although many will try and convince you otherwise.  Once you figure that out….don’t settle for anything less.  Allow the flower that you are to grow and bloom to its fullest and be admired for the unique creation that it is.  Surround yourself with a beautiful garden of well tended people and enjoy! You deserve it!  You are worthy of it! 

     

     So, let’s just stop and smell the roses.  Life is too short not to.  Life is but a breath.  Don’t waste it being planted where you can’t fully thrive and grow to your best.  

Retracting the Claws

Well, Here I am again. I feel like I have been writing a lot more lately. Thats a good thing because I love to write.  Its also a not so good thing sometimes because it usually means I have things I am processing. This one will be short and sweet though.  This blog is to apologize.  

     My last post, which I have reverted to a draft, was written in a place of anger and frustration.  It was written from a place of deep hurt that has just continued to grow deeper with situations that have happened. Unfortunately in all of this…..no one wins.  There is loss all around.  

    So, I apologize for airing laundry on here and allowing my emotions to get the better of me. I do believe that it is important to express that Anger is an emotion that needs to be felt and processed.  It is something that can bring out the worst in people and I believe that is what happened with my previous post.  Social media of any kind is not the place to do that in the way that I did.  After hearing some tough truth from my love, I made the decision to remove the post.  

    Human beings are complicated creatures.  At the end of the day we are responsible for us and how we conduct ourselves.  We are responsible for the character we have and the integrity that we show.  My desire on this journey is to be a man of Character.  A man who is quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger as it says in James.  I want to be a reflection of Christ in my life.  I want to love as I would want to be loved.  I want to showcase the positive and healthy fruit that the Lord continues to produce in my life.  

   For those who are navigating similar journeys.  I spoke to you before about continuing to fight.  This is part of that fight.  Acknowledging when you have not taken the high road and apologizing.  Rising above situations and not stooping to a level that isn’t you or who you want to be. 

   I remember as a kid always wanting to be stronger.  Always wanting to feel like I could stand up for myself.  When my brother and I would get in fights I would immediately drop to the floor, if there was no escape, because my legs were the strongest part of me.  I would just kick and pray that I would leave the fight unscathed.   As an adult my body has gotten stronger but I feel like sometimes I revert back to that kid who  fell to the ground and tried to escape the hurt with a few solid kicks.  The same is true now as it was then….the kicks do nothing really.  It might bring some instant gratification but you still end up hurt and you still don’t have the strength you hoped.  True strength can come in the stillness and rootedness of someone who stands their ground with confidence.  

   So, instead of an angry post, I am replacing that was this. I am thankful for the family I have around me that has chosen to be supportive and loving.  I am thankful for the relationship I am in and the fact the he was able to communicate an area I needed to grow in.  I am thankful for my relationship with the Lord which is still intact and feeding my life.  I am thankful for air in my lungs and a future that is bright.  I am thankful for provision and for love.  I am thankful.  Releasing all this anger and embracing the Good that has come and humbling looking forward to what is ahead.  Be kind out there y’all.  Choose to rise above.  Choose to love.  It’s what we all truly need.  

Aligning my Tires

And…….Exhale.  That is what I have been telling myself a lot the past weeks and months.  What a journey I have just been on.  A journey of the heart, mind, body, and spirit!  Truly something that has assaulted all of my senses with its ups and downs and curves.  Here we are though…in Lancaster, PA.  Back again to the streets and town I fell in love with years ago.  I am working at a shop downtown and learning so much what it means to be a manager and a leader.  Its hard y’all.  haha

     So, we breath in and we exhale as each step is taken.  Now is the time for settling down a bit and figuring out what this current chapter brings.  What are my goals?  What is the desire I have for my life?  For my relationship?  For my future?  Am I living content with what has been so richly given….or am I functioning in a posture of anxiety and fear.  I think more often than not it is the latter.  

    I had a friend just message me a story from a friend of his about a girl in counseling talking about how the Lord had been convicting her so much about the futility of the Hustle and trying to constantly achieve the next thing.  She expressed how she was feeling super insecure all the time and anxious about what was about to happen….right as something great had already happened.  Literally, great news one day….then the next day back to feeling anxious about what was next and where she was heading.  It’s exhausting!  

    I think we all can relate to her story to some degree.  The therapist she was seeing responded with suggesting that her goals were the issue.  We so often set goals for the next best thing; constantly living in a state of nothing every being good enough.  No house is big enough.  No job is fulfilling enough.  Nothing satisfies.  The Therapist suggested that instead of aligning her life around her goals she should align her life around her values.  When we focus on what is truly valuable.  What values sustain us and fulfill us…..it makes every achievement something surrounded with gratefulness and contentment.  We are spitting in the face of something that has great value and promise.  

     This might seem like basic stuff, but for me today it smacked me across the face.  The past 6 months I have moved twice and changed jobs 3 times….its been exhausting and left my confidence shot and my anxiety high!  Taking a moment while I am sitting here an my little shop, I see the fingerprints of God on my life.  I see the fruit that is there and the good that has been brought and continues to be produced.  I am BEYOND grateful for the provision in my life.  I am humbled and grateful for the people who have loved in a way that has blown me away.  

   Contentment.  Exhale.  Align with values….with what is valuable….what is real.  Have an amazing day out there.  You are loved….you are valuable…. believe it and see it friends.

      

Just.....Be

Hey there, bloggers. It's been a long time! So, I am not sure who all follows this blog anymore.  I haven’t posted in a very long time, and this post I am about to write is long overdue.  

     I started this blog as I was about to head out on a cruise ship.  If you scroll back to the beginning you will get to see a journey of a man who has wrestled with the Lord on a variety of issues, but the biggest one has been my sexuality.  I have fought a long hard fight to maintain that I am not gay.  To fight who I have been told for a long time that I cannot be.  It has been an exhausting journey that has grown me in ways I never imagined but also left wounds that are deeper than I can even express fully here in this blog.  Maybe one day I will dive into all of that a little more.  

     The sad thing is that my story isn’t a new one.  It isn’t a unique story except for the cast of characters that played the roles.  I was raised in the Church, in a Christian home.  I had two parents that loved me and desired for me to share the same beliefs as they have.  I did Church choir and youth group.  I participated in every single event I could.  I loved Jesus and I loved the community of people I had around me.  They were my best friends.  Some of them still are.  

     Then, as I started to navigate my sexuality, things started to change.  The fear and shame attached to even thinking about being gay was heaped on me.  The fear of eternal hell and separation from the Lord.  The fear of losing everything and everyone I loved.  The fear of not being enough.  All of these were a constant reminder that I couldn’t be what I felt deeply inside that I was. I was trapped.  "Damned if I do, damned if I don’t," situation.  It was horrible.  I was taught through this shame to hate myself.  To feel insecure and weak because if I were to strongly proclaim myself, I would be slammed by those who would adamantly disagree.  

      So, like so many, I tried to fake it till I made it.  I dated some truly amazing women.  Women who taught me so much about love, caring for someone, family, and working hard in relationships.  The sad thing is, I was letting them down.  I was letting myself down.  In the attempt to make myself what others wanted me to be, I was destroying not only myself, but these amazing women.  The hearts that were broken on my journey of finding and embracing my true self were far too many.  To those who might be reading this now,  I am SO sorry.  I pray for your forgiveness and that your hearts have been or will be continually restored.  

       I don’t think well intending Christian folks understand what they are doing when they openly and aggressively condemn those of us who are navigating the reconciling of our faith and sexuality.  This fear and shame only leads to hiding.  Leads to a culture that is steeped in secrets.  In the shadows is where I believe Satan wants us to stay.  In the culture of hookups and casual sex that slowly eats away at you.  Where you can’t fully be in a relationship for fear of someone finding out.  Someone hurting you.  Someone reminding you that you are less than them and going to hell.  That you are an abomination.  This shadowland, isn’t intended for anyone, it isn’t what God intended.  Yet, for the sake of sharing the Truth they believe, that is where people put us.  Leaving us to figure out a way to claw and climb back into the light.  

      So, as I look back over the blog entries here, I see that struggle.  The ups and downs.  The insecurities and the trials.  We all have them, but the gloss over mine is the desire to please my family.  My friends.  To make them proud of me.  The thing of it is…..conditional love…..it isn’t love at all.  If we are all striving to be like Christ, then why do we hold on so tightly to the conditions for us to be able to love and accept people?  If I would have had a supportive community that first moment I was caught looking at something on my family's computer that was "gay,"…what would have happened? I know--trust.  Safety.  The ability to walk this all out in the light and express the fear and sadness as it happened.  I would have been able to avoid the hurt of hookup-culture and the pain of breaking the hearts of women who only wanted to love and be loved back.  I could have had a family that-regardless if they agreed or disagreed with the choice-could have accepted and loved both me and the person I am with….because we all would have navigated this road together. 

      I am in love with an amazing man.  I am committed to him and dedicated to him more than I have ever experienced in my life.  We have had challenge after challenge presented to us and I still hold fast to two things.  I have a God that loves me fully, and unconditionally.  I have a God who accepts me as his child and wants the best for me, which is to walk closely to him…unashamed of who I am.  Seeking to be better and to grow.  I also know that I love the man I am with, and I want to spend my life with him.  

     No matter what the reactions are to this blog, I think it was high time I started talking in the light about things I have been wrestling with in the dark.  It's time I am allowed the same fresh air to breath while I journey with the relationship I am in.  It is time for me to be free, be brave, and be loved. 

Swords and Hearts

Last week I went to the doctor.  Something I hate doing.  There is something about a doctors office that sends me on a tail spin of worries about my health or the health of those I love.  I have spent a decent amount of time in hospitals and usually it has been for hard situations.  Needless to say, not my favorite place.  This visit was no different. 

  I have been experiencing major chest pain.  The pain the grabs on and makes you feel like you are having a heart attack.  The first time I experienced it I felt like I was going to pass out.  It was the clenching around my heart that felt like it could explode at any moment.  True to form I decided to ride it out and just see if things got better.  They did as stress subsided for a bit and then it came back again several weeks later.  Multiple times I have experienced the same pain and finally I decided to listen to those I had shared this experience with and made an appointment.  

   

   I talk to the doctor and she was amazing.  She talked me through some of the stressors in my life.  She talked to me about the feeling I was having during my episodes.  She then suggested I get an EKG.  So I agreed.  Lots of wires were then attached to my body and I proceeded to lay there while they got a little bit of a view of my heart.  The doctor came back after everything and said that my heart looked healthy.  She said that stress can do strange things to our bodies and if we don’t learn how to focus it well then it could lead to literal damage to your heart among other things. 

    

My heart is healthy……but outside things are were making me feel like it wasn’t.  

    The power of peoples words is more than we fully realize.  I think we acknowledge it from time to time but over all people to make the conscious decision to think before they speak.  Before they condemn.  Before they express sarcasm or jabbing remarks.  We have a sword that is our tongues, and it is deadly.  

   

  My Literal heart has been affected by the stresses of my life lately.  From moving, to establishing a community back here in Branson.  From navigating family and friends and relationships.  I bought a house.  I had to buy a new car.  Im getting older.  All these things just kind of creeped up.  This in and of itself can cause stress.  Add in the fact that everyone has an opinion. Should you have bought that car?  Should you have bought that house?  Do you realize how much work there is?  You’re how old now?  Have you planned for retirement?  All are good intentioned questions.  Are you going to get married?  Should you be dating someone right now?  Maybe you just need to be single?  People want to be a part of your life so that express their feelings.  

  

   This is all well and good if there is a follow through.  I have some dear friends in my life that I can have very raw conversations with.  They are always there.  They are always loving and supportive.  They have no conditions on their love.  They express.  They support.  They love.  There is balance.  The stress comes in when those tough people come up and decide they know whats best.  They have all the answers and know that they are right.  Obviously……the person they are talking to hasn’t thought through their life.  Obviously…….they need someone to make sure they know the truth and I am going to be the one to tell them!  If I help the lowly then I will have raised myself up.   To quote a friend of mine” I think some people get so bored that they have to create situations to elevate themselves and their own self righteousness.”  We all fall into this trap unfortunately.  

    

   So, I’m sitting on the doctors table.  My heart is fine.  Its my focus thats off.  I have been focusing on what so many other people have been screaming.  I have been focused on all the disappointments or fears others have been laying on my shoulders.  I have lost track of that still small voice of the Lord saying…..You are loved…..you are mine……nothing and no one will take you from my hand…..I have you…..I will protect you…..I will sustain you.  The sweet sounds of peace from a heavenly father who is the king of intentionality and the king of unconditional love.  

   

    We are his children.  He is the perfect father.  He is the one sitting beside us on those nights where we question a path.  Where we question a relationship. Where we question our faith.  He is the one sitting there.  Not screaming condemnation…but affirming love and prompting our hearts to focus on him.  So weather it be your literal heart muscle that needs you to refocus, or your emotional heart muscle, its time to kindly refocus.  There might be situations that need fresh boundaries.  Its time to make them.  Your future depends on it.  

New Roots

Today I had the day off from work for a little self care/ yard work day.  I was planning on taking a little trip up to Pennsylvania but it didn’t work out but I kept a day to get some things done.  One of the main projects I was undertaking was digging up an old half dead bush in my front flower bed. 

This evergreen bush has so many dead sections that it really had no appeal at all.  I got out my shovels and a saw, then proceeded to start removing it. The roots were in so deep, even though I cut off the top section it still had much more that needed to be dug out.  I know this is cliche and has been used too many times to count, but it just made me remember all the stuff that has been planted in my life that just needs removed.  Good intentions thoughts and feelings that I allowed to grow and take root to where they choke out the good that the Lord might have had for me.  

   

I finally got this bush removed and took a quick trip to lowes to get the supplies I needed to plant something new.  I took the advice of my parents and chose Knock Out Roses.  I got three rose bushes and some cedar mulch and also some fresh soil.  I dug new holes and laid down new soil.  I put landscape fabric over it to protect it from weeds sprouting up and then used the mulch to hold in moisture and protect a little more from the elements.  Then I watered each of the bushes to allow them the sustenance they needed to take root.  

   

This old bush had been there for years.  There were left over roots still there that could potentially sprout up again.  At the end of the day though something new has been planted.  Something that can actually flourish and thrive.  Something that if cared for could produce a fragrance and a beauty that will far surpass what the half dead bush ever could.  

  

What “old bushes” have we been nurturing in our lives?  What things have we been holding on to in hopes that one day they will take root again and perhaps bring something back to life?  Is it not worth it to attempt something new?  Thats kind of where I am at right now.  After fighting for a bush that I had fought and nurtured for so long and seeing that it was always going to be half dead, it is time for me to plant something new.  Something beautiful.  Something that will take work, but in the end will knock out what came before it.  

Battlefield....Mailbox....?

    Today I tried to put a new mailbox up.  My current mailbox had a lid that fell off and was unfortunately run over by the mailman.  I tried to figure out a way to reattach it but it just kept falling off.  So I went to Lowes and bought a new box….then went back to Lowes because I needed a bracket to hold it, but they didn’t sell the kind I needed so I just bought a whole new post. 

   I got home and attached the mailbox to the arm and then proceeded outside to get the post ready.  I dug a hole….and kept hammering rocks.  I dug and dug and just wasn’t getting anywhere.  Then I started slamming the post into the ground hoping that I could get it to stay….but as soon as I tried to attach the box it immediately fell over.  So now I have a mailbox attached to a post….laying in my yard.  

    This is how life feels to me right now. 

Dramatic I know.  

   In all seriousness I feel like I am not receiving mail to my brain lately.  The mail I am getting is soggy and weathered because the door has fallen off protecting what I am receiving.  I love a good analogy.  So yes, I bought a new mailbox in the real world but today I also got one for my heart.  I have for some reason allowed insecurity and peoples opinions of me to distract me.  Ive allowed them to run over the door that protects what i take in.  

    Let me try another way of describing.  In the past year I have experienced a kind of freedom I never thought that i would have.  It isn’t a pretty, sparkly, kind of freedom.  It is the kind that is fought for in the trenches.  It is a battle worn freedom that at the end of the day is satisfying but requires some recovery.  I thought that as the Lord transitioned me back home to Branson that I would be walking into recovery time.  In some ways it Has been, but in a lot of ways new challenged and battles have been raised that I didn’t image.  It feels like I just fought off a pack of wolves and then right as i catch my breath another pack has come and sunk their claws into me.  

    People spreading lies and untruth in order to gain something.  People scoffing at something they don’t understand.  People trying to heal in their own way but then happen to cause hurt and shame.  Reminders of what was and what could have been.  Expectations and letting people down.  Each one a lash of the claws of the wolves that are circling trying to take down their prey.

Again, dramatic I know.

All this long ramble to say, I have allowed the lies that have been swirling and the insecurity attached to them to effect my day to day life.  I have been walking around like a zombie inside instead of embracing the fullness of life the Lord has so richly blessed me with.  I have put down my sword and shield and embraced the wounds instead of continuing to fight the battle.  It is so easy to remember the hard things, but just open your eyes to the vast riches that come from battles won.  So, I am taking some of those riches and Im getting a new mailbox….see what I did…full circle…..Only this time the mailbox will be anchored and not fall down.  The door will secure the truth inside and protect from anything other than that.  

    There will always be wolves prowling around, no matter where you go.  No matter if it is your “safe” place or not.  The thing of it is, we always have the armor of God.  We always have the power of the holy spirit, and we always have the redemption and victory of Christ.  Battle well my friends, I just picked my sword back up and am right there with you.