Swords and Hearts

Last week I went to the doctor.  Something I hate doing.  There is something about a doctors office that sends me on a tail spin of worries about my health or the health of those I love.  I have spent a decent amount of time in hospitals and usually it has been for hard situations.  Needless to say, not my favorite place.  This visit was no different. 

  I have been experiencing major chest pain.  The pain the grabs on and makes you feel like you are having a heart attack.  The first time I experienced it I felt like I was going to pass out.  It was the clenching around my heart that felt like it could explode at any moment.  True to form I decided to ride it out and just see if things got better.  They did as stress subsided for a bit and then it came back again several weeks later.  Multiple times I have experienced the same pain and finally I decided to listen to those I had shared this experience with and made an appointment.  

   

   I talk to the doctor and she was amazing.  She talked me through some of the stressors in my life.  She talked to me about the feeling I was having during my episodes.  She then suggested I get an EKG.  So I agreed.  Lots of wires were then attached to my body and I proceeded to lay there while they got a little bit of a view of my heart.  The doctor came back after everything and said that my heart looked healthy.  She said that stress can do strange things to our bodies and if we don’t learn how to focus it well then it could lead to literal damage to your heart among other things. 

    

My heart is healthy……but outside things are were making me feel like it wasn’t.  

    The power of peoples words is more than we fully realize.  I think we acknowledge it from time to time but over all people to make the conscious decision to think before they speak.  Before they condemn.  Before they express sarcasm or jabbing remarks.  We have a sword that is our tongues, and it is deadly.  

   

  My Literal heart has been affected by the stresses of my life lately.  From moving, to establishing a community back here in Branson.  From navigating family and friends and relationships.  I bought a house.  I had to buy a new car.  Im getting older.  All these things just kind of creeped up.  This in and of itself can cause stress.  Add in the fact that everyone has an opinion. Should you have bought that car?  Should you have bought that house?  Do you realize how much work there is?  You’re how old now?  Have you planned for retirement?  All are good intentioned questions.  Are you going to get married?  Should you be dating someone right now?  Maybe you just need to be single?  People want to be a part of your life so that express their feelings.  

  

   This is all well and good if there is a follow through.  I have some dear friends in my life that I can have very raw conversations with.  They are always there.  They are always loving and supportive.  They have no conditions on their love.  They express.  They support.  They love.  There is balance.  The stress comes in when those tough people come up and decide they know whats best.  They have all the answers and know that they are right.  Obviously……the person they are talking to hasn’t thought through their life.  Obviously…….they need someone to make sure they know the truth and I am going to be the one to tell them!  If I help the lowly then I will have raised myself up.   To quote a friend of mine” I think some people get so bored that they have to create situations to elevate themselves and their own self righteousness.”  We all fall into this trap unfortunately.  

    

   So, I’m sitting on the doctors table.  My heart is fine.  Its my focus thats off.  I have been focusing on what so many other people have been screaming.  I have been focused on all the disappointments or fears others have been laying on my shoulders.  I have lost track of that still small voice of the Lord saying…..You are loved…..you are mine……nothing and no one will take you from my hand…..I have you…..I will protect you…..I will sustain you.  The sweet sounds of peace from a heavenly father who is the king of intentionality and the king of unconditional love.  

   

    We are his children.  He is the perfect father.  He is the one sitting beside us on those nights where we question a path.  Where we question a relationship. Where we question our faith.  He is the one sitting there.  Not screaming condemnation…but affirming love and prompting our hearts to focus on him.  So weather it be your literal heart muscle that needs you to refocus, or your emotional heart muscle, its time to kindly refocus.  There might be situations that need fresh boundaries.  Its time to make them.  Your future depends on it.  

New Roots

Today I had the day off from work for a little self care/ yard work day.  I was planning on taking a little trip up to Pennsylvania but it didn’t work out but I kept a day to get some things done.  One of the main projects I was undertaking was digging up an old half dead bush in my front flower bed. 

This evergreen bush has so many dead sections that it really had no appeal at all.  I got out my shovels and a saw, then proceeded to start removing it. The roots were in so deep, even though I cut off the top section it still had much more that needed to be dug out.  I know this is cliche and has been used too many times to count, but it just made me remember all the stuff that has been planted in my life that just needs removed.  Good intentions thoughts and feelings that I allowed to grow and take root to where they choke out the good that the Lord might have had for me.  

   

I finally got this bush removed and took a quick trip to lowes to get the supplies I needed to plant something new.  I took the advice of my parents and chose Knock Out Roses.  I got three rose bushes and some cedar mulch and also some fresh soil.  I dug new holes and laid down new soil.  I put landscape fabric over it to protect it from weeds sprouting up and then used the mulch to hold in moisture and protect a little more from the elements.  Then I watered each of the bushes to allow them the sustenance they needed to take root.  

   

This old bush had been there for years.  There were left over roots still there that could potentially sprout up again.  At the end of the day though something new has been planted.  Something that can actually flourish and thrive.  Something that if cared for could produce a fragrance and a beauty that will far surpass what the half dead bush ever could.  

  

What “old bushes” have we been nurturing in our lives?  What things have we been holding on to in hopes that one day they will take root again and perhaps bring something back to life?  Is it not worth it to attempt something new?  Thats kind of where I am at right now.  After fighting for a bush that I had fought and nurtured for so long and seeing that it was always going to be half dead, it is time for me to plant something new.  Something beautiful.  Something that will take work, but in the end will knock out what came before it.  

Battlefield....Mailbox....?

    Today I tried to put a new mailbox up.  My current mailbox had a lid that fell off and was unfortunately run over by the mailman.  I tried to figure out a way to reattach it but it just kept falling off.  So I went to Lowes and bought a new box….then went back to Lowes because I needed a bracket to hold it, but they didn’t sell the kind I needed so I just bought a whole new post. 

   I got home and attached the mailbox to the arm and then proceeded outside to get the post ready.  I dug a hole….and kept hammering rocks.  I dug and dug and just wasn’t getting anywhere.  Then I started slamming the post into the ground hoping that I could get it to stay….but as soon as I tried to attach the box it immediately fell over.  So now I have a mailbox attached to a post….laying in my yard.  

    This is how life feels to me right now. 

Dramatic I know.  

   In all seriousness I feel like I am not receiving mail to my brain lately.  The mail I am getting is soggy and weathered because the door has fallen off protecting what I am receiving.  I love a good analogy.  So yes, I bought a new mailbox in the real world but today I also got one for my heart.  I have for some reason allowed insecurity and peoples opinions of me to distract me.  Ive allowed them to run over the door that protects what i take in.  

    Let me try another way of describing.  In the past year I have experienced a kind of freedom I never thought that i would have.  It isn’t a pretty, sparkly, kind of freedom.  It is the kind that is fought for in the trenches.  It is a battle worn freedom that at the end of the day is satisfying but requires some recovery.  I thought that as the Lord transitioned me back home to Branson that I would be walking into recovery time.  In some ways it Has been, but in a lot of ways new challenged and battles have been raised that I didn’t image.  It feels like I just fought off a pack of wolves and then right as i catch my breath another pack has come and sunk their claws into me.  

    People spreading lies and untruth in order to gain something.  People scoffing at something they don’t understand.  People trying to heal in their own way but then happen to cause hurt and shame.  Reminders of what was and what could have been.  Expectations and letting people down.  Each one a lash of the claws of the wolves that are circling trying to take down their prey.

Again, dramatic I know.

All this long ramble to say, I have allowed the lies that have been swirling and the insecurity attached to them to effect my day to day life.  I have been walking around like a zombie inside instead of embracing the fullness of life the Lord has so richly blessed me with.  I have put down my sword and shield and embraced the wounds instead of continuing to fight the battle.  It is so easy to remember the hard things, but just open your eyes to the vast riches that come from battles won.  So, I am taking some of those riches and Im getting a new mailbox….see what I did…full circle…..Only this time the mailbox will be anchored and not fall down.  The door will secure the truth inside and protect from anything other than that.  

    There will always be wolves prowling around, no matter where you go.  No matter if it is your “safe” place or not.  The thing of it is, we always have the armor of God.  We always have the power of the holy spirit, and we always have the redemption and victory of Christ.  Battle well my friends, I just picked my sword back up and am right there with you.  

Three Years

   The adventure continues!  I am currently sitting here in my parents house looking at their beautiful Christmas tree.  There is such a peace being home.  Such a peace as I settle back into living life here in Missouri.  If you don’t already know I transferred back to Missouri with work.  In addition to just moving back I have bought my first home.  Its crazy.  So many life changes all at once.  In the midst of crazy trying to get things done, I feel such a peace about it.  I feel such a gratefulness for the Lords provision in my life.  I feel humbled.  

   As I’m sitting here reflecting on my past year, and not only this year but my past three years in Pennsylvania, I just see so clearly now the Lords hand.  In the midst of it all it seemed like at points I was on my own.  I was trying to make decision after decision and seemed to always make the wrong one.  I think I hit some of my lowest of lows the past 3 years but also I think I had some of the deepest most lasting healing and restoration in my heart.  God is good. 

   I moved to Pennsylvania and for some reason just didn’t feel like I was connecting well.  My southern Charm wasn’t working for some reason on the East cost.  haha  I was trying to find a place to live and finally did thanks to my dear friends and Landlords on the 300 block of North Mary Street.  This home was a safe place for me and a sanctuary I will continue to look back on fondly.  I mean…I lived about a Ice Cream cafe….whats not to love.  

    In the first year I also was driving home jamming out to show tunes per usual.  I think I was actually sining “What do I need with love?” from Thoroughly Modern Millie and all of a sudden my back passenger window got shot out.  Talk about rolling our the welcome wagon.  That first year I felt raw.  I missed my family and felt extreme guilt for leaving but at the same time knew that this is where I was suppose to be.  I knew that in the midst of a lot of hard things happening I was where the Lord was going to do something.  So I trucked along.  A theme from the first year came from a line in Moses from Jethro the priest… You don’t know who you are…  Honestly that whole scene impacted me.  It was true though..I was vacillating from one version of Curtis to another version.  I wasn’t settled in my own self and it was killing me softly.  It was time for a change.

  Year two was Samson, and I think it is safe to say that that show was a journey for all of us.  No matter what anyone says….I still love the show.  I think a big reason why is because I experienced grace in deeper ways.  I always find it interesting that the lessons I learn tend to coincide with the shows Im doing.  For Samson it was watching him make choice after choice that was contrary to his calling.  I can relate……big time.  So every day I would sit on the temple set piece and listen to Samson sing “What is this grace”.  I would sit there and tear up almost every time because I have been forgiven.  I have been redeemed.  In the midst of this I was experiencing community both at the theater and outside that I was so desperately craving.  It wasn’t surface…it was deep and real and authentic.  It was a gift.  It was grace.  

   Year three was one of my favorite shows Jonah!!!  I loved the show but This past year devastated me. It flattened me out in every way possible I think.  I lost my niece.  I was desperate to be home with my family during that time.  I made some bad decisions that left scars and hurt that I never intended but because of my selfishness I made them.  I have never cried so much.  Anyone who has experienced grief knows that this undercurrent of sadness is a rushing river that could easily sweep you away.  At this bottom point I looked at my life and I looked at the cycle of sin I had been living and I just felt depraved in a more real way.  I needed to change and move and depend on the Father for everything or I would never have a life or a story worth telling.  I would never feel the true depths of His love for me and the richness of the Blessing of relationship with Him.  I had to let go.  I had to fully rest in a heavenly father i could not see and was honesty angry with because he had allowed so much hurt and so much hardship on not only my life but my entire family.  This gentle father picked me up though and loved with me with a strength and depth that I cannot accurately describe.  

   I recently watched a documentary called “The Heart of Man”  Which I Highly Recommend.  In the film it talks about the prodigal son and portrays it as this father crafting a beautiful violin and then teaching his son how to play it.  They enjoy making music together and that fellowship and then the son finds a new love in the sin he is being enticed by.  He drops the violin and it shatters. Fast forward to the son returning and the the Father has been making a new violin for him even before he got home. He hands it to the son and they begin to play again.  I feel like that is what happened to me after Reese passed away.  It was a wake up call that I needed to get right.  Life is a precious gift and should never NEVER be taken for granted.  I have a purpose on this earth that cannot be fulfilled if I waste my life being selfish and running away.  So I looked to my Father and he gave me this new Violin.  The strings are the same, but the Song is much different.  Its sweeter and sadder and richer.  I have a song and a testimony.  

    In the midst of this redemption year the Lord placed an amazing beautiful loving woman in my life to journey with.  She is a gift.  I can’t express how much she has been used by the Lord in the journey I have been on this year and I am so happy and excited to continue this journey with here for however long the Lord allows.  

   Three years….. Im so thankful for it.  For those who have been a part of my journey I thank you.  For all the ups and downs and in-betweens.  I would not be where I am or who I am today if it hadn’t have been for my time with you all.  Thank you and Thank you Lord for your provision and for your grace and for Life!  

Talk Talk Talk

I have recently been convicted by the old saying “Actions speak louder than words.”  I think in our world of technology and social media we get an out of jail free card when it comes to backing up what we say.  We think we can write a sappy post about someone or send a sweet text and that is enough.  I am all for words of affirmation.  I think it means so much when there is a heart felt word of encouragement given.  I think the older I get though, the more I see a flaw.  Talk is cheap if you don’t back it up.  

   Being a good Baptist boy, I was raised with people saying  “ill pray for you!”.  I didn’t doubt people when they would say that, until I started saying it…and realized that …..I wasn’t actually praying for them at all. I was just saying something to make me feel good and validated, and I never backed it up.  Makes them feel good and makes me look good, move on.  That is some faulty and manipulative logic.  I started being very intentional about saying the phrase.  It became awkward.  I either wouldn’t say anything at all or I would go to the opposite extreme and pray for them right then and there.  I didn’t not want to fit into a stereotype.  Then I felt the lens broaden.  What else am I not backing up?

    I looked to facebook and noticed the countless messages about my undying love and friendship for people.  The gush fest was a mile long.  I was looking at the kindness and thinking….am I backing this up?  Am I intentional in these peoples lives? Am I truly caring for them by writing this?  What is my motivation?  Is this just to help me not feel insecure and alone?  This kind of thinking can send my introverted brain into a tailspin.  For those of you who are reading this, I don’t want you to think that I didn’t mean things that I have said.  I am just saying I was awakened to the reality that I needed to be willing to backup with actions and intentionality what I was saying so freely.  

    Then I collided with someone who is the kindest person I know, and is able to back up every single gush fest!  haha!  At first I didn’t know how to navigate this but it honestly inspired me.  I would watch as she would share her heart so openly and beautifully and be so intentional with literally everyone in her life.  Boundary issues…yes….but a heart that reflected Christ in a way that I wanted to as well.  Its pretty great that I happen to be dating this girl.    

  So, here I am now writing about all that I have been learning and want to express to you all and to affirm in myself……it is possible to do this.  I watch it every day in my girlfriend….don't know how she does it…wait….I do…..Jesus.  We all have the ability to back up what we say.  We all have the ability to follow through with commitments and journey well with friends and family. It is scary and messy and awkward but thats the beauty of the journey I think.  We are constantly learning.  How beautiful would our relationships be if each of us followed through.  If each of us legitimately backed up the things we said with action and intentionality. LOVE IS A VERB!  It DOES!  It is in ACTION! This applies to so many areas of our lives.  Even our faith.  Are we backing it up or are we just talking?  So the next time you say something or post something….check the motivation behind it and be willing to walk the walk and not just talk.  I think we will all feel more fulfilled, more loved, and more connected as a result.  

A Gift

    This holiday season is filled with the typical lights and merriment.  Hot coco if flowing and the tree in my apartment is beautiful thanks to my roommate Evan.  In the midst of all the cheer and excitement for this, I find myself processing through grief.  This is the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my Niece Reece.  

    Something that I always looked forward to around the holidays was coming home from Pennsylvania and seeing my Niece dressed in her beautiful Christmas outfits.  Holding her and just getting a chance to soak up some quality time with her since I lived so far away.  I think the holidays are also a reminder that I wasn’t there in person as much as I would have liked to be.  To be able to have held her more.  Then, what ifs start swirling and I find myself overwhelmed with guilt.  I could have done more.  I could have been more.  

   Im being vulnerable about this because I think that is true for a lot of us during the holidays.  Not just those of us dealing with grief but those who are hurting in other ways.  Those that are triggered by the times that represent family and togetherness but end up being reminded of a wound. Something that I am reminded of daily doing the Christmas show I am doing, is that we have been given a gift.  A gift of life.  A gift of Christ.  A gift of forgiveness and wholeness through him.  A gift that although we will never be “enough” He within us is enough. 

   The time we had with my niece was a gift to me and my family.  The impact she had on our lives is beyond what I could write in this little blog.  My moving to Pennsylvania does not diminish the incredible love I had for her.  The pain of not being nearer is there, in the midst of knowing that the growth I have had in this chapter of my life has been nothing short of life changing.  A future I thought I would never see is on the horizon.  The legacy of Reese and her impact is evident in my life.  That reminder of the gift of life, and how we should never take it for granted.  That reminder that I can’t  continue a hurtful cycle of sin when faced with a death of someone who was innocent. I have a gift of life and I refuse to waste it.  Reese reflected Christ to me.  She reminded me to look to the cross instead of my past.   To look with expectancy toward a future he has for me because it is a gift.  

    So, As Thanksgiving approaches and Christmas jumps up right after I will celebrate with my Niece still.  I will feel what I need to feel.  I will Remember that Jesus came into the World to save us.  He came to give us a life not limited to this world, but a life everlasting.  I will celebrate knowing that she is going to be celebrating Jesus Birthday….with JESUS!  Talk about a celebration.  I imagine the sugar cookies are heavenly.  

   I love you Reese Harper.  You are so missed and so loved.  Merry Christmas.

Soaking it Up

    So, Autumn is upon us and the leaves are reaching their peak.  Nights are chillier and the crispness in the air just has a way of making you want to curl up with a hot drink and a book all day.  I love fall.  I love the beauty and color.  I love the food!  I love the holidays!  

     Right now though I am reflecting back to a fall that was horrible for me.  A relationship had just ended and I was left feeling like nothing would ever be the same.  I had put everything in that basket and pushed anyone away that questioned it.  Everything I had worked for was ripped away and I was forced to start over.  I normally don’t mind winter, but that winter was brutal.  It matched how my heart felt.  It matched where I wanted to stay because I had reached rock bottom.  I was bitter, angry, and depressed.  Instead of celebrating the beauty of Autumn I was chanting with everyone on game of thrones…Winter is COMING!

    Here is the beauty of how the Lord designed the seasons.  Its the cliche that everyone uses, but its true.  Winter is when things seem to die.  They go within themselves and then at the right time….new life.  The trees don’t die every year.  They make it through the winter and then when the time is right….open up again.  They Live through it.  The shed the vulnerable parts and press on.  Many plants do the same. 

   In that time I felt like the tree.  I shed the vulnerable parts.  The feelings I had.  My heart, my desires, all had to be stripped away so that I could make it through the season to come.  A season of trial and learning.  A season of growth and healing.  I feel like my winter might have lasted longer.  I think it lasted several years.  Years where I couldn’t open up.  It wasn’t time for spring and even though I might try to move forward, the bitter wind of winter would bring me back to the hibernation state.
     Plants respond to winter quicker than we do.  Its a matter of life and death.  A plants life is all about the Sun.  Its all about light, the mighty force that they use to produce their food.  Plants soak up the light, using it as the engine to power their continues growth.  The same is true for us metaphorically too.  In the winters of our lives the only thing sustaining us is the Light.  The only thing keeping us growing is Truth.  In those winters we might not want to see truth, and so we hinder the growth that could happen.  For me that was very true.  Only when we have the food to survive will we be able to open up to spring.  Open up to life and the future the Lord has for us. I had spent several years soaking up the Light and then retreating back to darkness.  I would feel the warmth and nourishment but then allow myself to hide.  I wasn’t able to move on to the next season because I wasn’t allowing myself the nourishment I needed for it.  

    So, here I am years later.  Its Autumn and Winter is coming, but for me….its Spring.  The Lord in his graciousness walked me through a winter that lasted far too long.  Walked me through my ups and downs.  He taught me the importance of Light again.  He taught me my dependence on truth.  He taught me to get back up after falling countless times. He taught me how to forgive myself because he has forgiven me and covered me.  He taught me that I am loved and worthy.  He taught me that I can love in a way that isn’t selfish.  He taught me that I am new, and I am ready to open up again.     
    As I sip on this Cinnamon Dolce latte and look at the leaves outside my house, I just say thank you.  To a Heavenly father who Loves so well.  For the gifts he gives for obedience and the grace he shows in times where I fight to be.  A new season is coming, for all of us.  Lets soak up the Light.  Lets soak up the Truth and be ready for it.