So, today at Church something really meaningful happened. We took communion. It always amazes me how much this simple act and ceremony brings me to tears. Just that reminder that my sin has been forgiven. My life has been bought and paid for. I am no longer bound to this old life, I am a free new creation and child of the King.
This off season has been anything but rejuvenating for me. It has been probably the hardest off season I have had since I have been back here in Missouri. I started out with a plan to make it like last year where I removed everything from my life and focus on reading and getting closer to the Lord. I was going to give up face book and twitter and instagram and any other social media that had so quickly taken over all of our lives. I was going to stop my internet for the month and kind just go off the grid. Spend time with friends and relax. I guess the Lord had other plans.
This off season was ushered in by a series of hard situations that left me feeling broken and beaten to start. Then it seemed like more people than normal were leaving town this year which left me with limited possibilities for hang out time and community. I had deleted everything and was ready to go, and then was overwhelmed with loneliness. I tried to ride it out for a bit but decided to download everything again and add a few more social media apps to fill the void I was feeling even further. I became consumed so quickly it surprised me.
I spent the entire off season last year alone and relished in it, and now I was scratching at the walls of this prison I had made for myself in my apartment. What changed? What caused me to dive so deeply into the well of my lonely heart. I think it was fear. Fear that I would always be alone. Fear that I am going to get left behind. Fear that I am not talented enough. Fear about this upcoming season and all the challenges that are coming with it. I was terrified of going back to an old life that I so desperately want to never ever even look back on.
The strange thing about fear is that it turns you down the road you didn’t want to go down in the first place. So, I went. I failed and struggled and ran and struggled some more. All the while knowing that all I had to do was focus back on Jesus. Focus back on this amazing father and friend who has seen me through every curve in the road. In my mind I justified every action every thought. I had grown weary of being obedient and deserved a break.
Then I went and visited my amazing friends Jordon and Leah. Jordon is an amazing brother and truly gifted with encouragement. I spent the weekend hanging out and relaxing. Playing games and enjoying my friends. Then Sunday came and truth be told the last thing I wanted to do was go to church. We went and the pastor was talking about obedience! Haha. Talk about a sermon directed totally at me. It talked about bearing fruit and building a firm foundation in Christ. It talked about continuing to be obedient in the midst of struggle and valleys. As I listened through gritted teeth I thought through my life the past 3 years and how much fruit has come from this battle for obedience. This reckless seeking to do the will of God. I have been blessed over and over and over again. Yes I have failed along the way and struggled a lot, but the consistent thing that I kept seeing as I thought through my life was blessing. Was Gods provision for everything! When I am obedient to him he always gives me the best!
We took communion and Jordon prayed and I left feeling a spark back in my heart. Then a week goes by and I shuffle my feet trying to wake up from the fog I have been living in this off season and today is Sunday. I go to church and it literally is like streams of living water for my soul. How I missed just sitting with other believers and worshiping together. Singing songs and praising this amazing father who loves us all. Here is the thing that made me laugh this morning. Not because it was funny, but because God knows me soooo well. We took communion.
If you have read my blogs in the past you know how meaningful communion is for me. When I was living a totally different life in my past I was told by a dear mentor that I shouldn’t take communion because I was living in unrepentant sin. So I stopped and was so hurt every time it was taken. It was miserable because it reminded me that I was running away from my savior and that I was choosing my sin over him. Later after the Lord brought me back I took communion for the first time and cried because it was like a sweet reunion with my precious savior, the love of my life Jesus.
So today, I held the little cracker and cup in my hands and cried yet again. I think we can get so wrapped up in our past that we refuse to move on. We build up our protective walls for fear that something will get through and rob us of our freedom from whatever it might be. Today as the Lord loved on me and reminded me of the blessing of obedience, I was also reminded that I have nothing to be afraid of. That he paid the price for my sin and my shackles are gone. I just have to continue to walk, run, leap, dance, rest in this amazing freedom he has given me. Jesus paid it all! All to him I owe.
So, my precious love, thank you for dying to set me free. Thank you for picking my up over and over when I fall and loving me through it all. Thanks for having a perfect plan and letting me see glimpses of it once in awhile. Thanks for loving on me so well. I adore you Jesus.
