So, I am an emotional person. To those who know me this is not a big surprise. I feel things. I’m sensitive. It is something I love and hate all in the same breath about myself. Being sensitive, I can sometimes get hurt fairly easy. As thick of skin as I do have, if I let someone in they have the ability to crush me. Not just crush me, but manipulate me along the way. This unfortunately has happened more times than I’d like to admit.
I dated someone a long while ago that I fell so in love with. This love had conditions though. I had to change who I was. I had to change opinions of things, convictions about life. I had to give up friends and family. I had to become ok with things in order to keep this “love” that I so desperately wanted and thought I needed. I allowed myself to believe that if I didn’t have that person in my life that somehow my life did not have as much worth. That if I didn’t hold on to them then I would always be alone. My self worth became completely wrapped up in and controlled by that relationship. Thankfully, the Lord closed that door. It hurt horribly and was one of the toughest things I have ever had to face. Picking up the pieces of a heart that I unfortunately allowed to get abused and destroyed
Now, today, I look at my life and I see myself allowing those same things to happen but in different ways. I look at my value and worth through the lens of those I want approval from. I allow those people to hold the strings of the Puppet that I become when they are involved. So the question that I am screaming to myself is…why? When did I start to value myself so little that I let others walk all over my heart? Why do I give so much power to others? Why do I self sabotage?
The Big Whopping answer I feel is Fear. I am so afraid of not being good enough. Im terrified of being alone for the rest of my life. I am so scared that I will never have a life with someone and I will never have a family that I so desperately want. I look at family of dear friends around me and my heart is filled with joy for them but breaks inside wondering if the Lord will ever give me that. If I will ever be good enough. If someone will find me attractive or fall in love with me.
So that fear then propels me into this cycle of loss prevention. This is where the morphing starts. This is where the letting go of control and giving it to others happens. Then as those relationships change or end….I am left alone and feeling silly because I fought so hard for something or someone that never really was going to love me. Never going to be the thing I “needed”. As selfless I think I am being on this quest it actually is super selfish on my end too. It just seems so hopeless.
This is where the positive twist in this Blog happens. Sorry its been a bit of a downer one. Grace. We all have a choice to show Grace and receive Grace. We all have the ability to walk in that. To be set free and rest in the Grace. So for me in these situations I have to 1. Realize and accept Gods Grace and love for me and know that he has plans that are perfect for my life. That he LOVES me! NO MATTER WHAT! then 2. Look at the people in my life with GRACE. I am not prefect…they are not perfect. We are all seeking to live a life that is fulling and we all want to be loved. There has to be grace in this process or these cycles of use and abuse will just continue. I have to let go of trying to control and manage and show grace as I stand firm in the roots of truth. Then finally 3. I have to show myself grace. I can’t be perfect. I can’t fulfill the needs of every friend or relationship in my life. I will fail. I will fall short…..and there is Grace. I am a treasured position of a heavenly father who bought me for a high price. I am a son and heir. I am redeemed and Loved. There is Grace.
Taking one step further here with the Grace. I am just as much to blame for getting hurt in many of these situations. So to hold a grudge or withhold grace is not fair or right. I might want to run for the hills when I get hurt. I might feel so embarrassed that I can’t stand to look at the person, but Grace. I have to show it. I have to extend this gift that has been so freely and richly given to me. That doesn’t me that I be flippant with my heart. It just means that I treat them with the love and respect that I would want to be treat with.
Why did I write this long and somewhat oversharing blog!? haha I honestly have no clue. I think sometimes I feel more settled when I write things out, and if by writing this out and sharing it with you all it encourages or challenges someone else then its a win in my book.
One last thing. To those in my life that have unfortunately gone through this cycle with me, I want to say I am sorry. Im sorry that I haven’t always responded in grace to you. Im in process. This messy man is learning. And to those dear friends in my life, I want to say thank you for being my rocks and loving me and redirecting me back to Truth and back to Jesus. Thanks for being there for the tears and breakdowns. Your love and friendship is a precious gift to me.
