I Am Stuck on Band-Aids Brand, Cause Band-Aid's Stuck on Me

S0, I think in life I have this tool belt that I wear. I have everything that I need in order to get me through all of life's challenges. I have measuring tape to see how much risk is involved in all of life's choices. I have a hammer to really attach something, weather it be perusing a job or goal. I have a knife, because sometimes you just have to cut part of what you are working on off to make it better. I have wrench for when things get a little tough and I need a little extra leverage to pull through. Then I have a few band aids stored in that belt. For those times when the hammer misses the nail, or you miss measure the risk and fall, or in the process of cutting you lose more than you expected.Right now I feel like I am running out of band-aid. Everyone has them in their lives. Weather that band-aid takes the form of shopping or working out or eating, everyone has something that they do to make them feel better when life doesn't quite go according to plan. I guess in my arsenal I have some amazing band-aids that have suited me well for so long. Have allowed me to heal while being covered with something that is comfortable. I have an amazing band-aid of friends. They keep me busy and love on me so well. The thing of it is, at some point I have to be alone, and that band-aid starts to peel off, and that leaves an exposed wound that is embarrassing and hurts. So I grab another band-aid of keeping busy with things to do. I cover up my wound and I keep trucking along. Eventually I get tired of going and running and moving and I just have to stop. When I stop, that band-aid is drenched in the sweat of business and won't stick anymore, leaving me exhausted and exposed yet again. So I scramble for something else, another band-aid to cover this hurt. Could it be facebook and caching up with people? Could it be organizing my workspace or room or car? Could it be driving, anywhere the road will take me? Could it be reading as many books as possible? Could it be finding new music or singing new songs? All of these things are not necessarily bad things , but they don't really heal. They just cover it up for awhile until the band-aid they provide no longer sticks and you are left with what is left of that wound. Eventually you have to face it. You have to take a look at the hurt and figure out what needs to be done with it.
Healing is a process that takes far too long in my opinion. :) The journey that leads you out of that hurt is an amazing journey though. It grows you in ways you never thought was possible. It challenges you to be something more, something different, something exciting and new. To turn the page in your life and embrace a new chapter that is full of excitement and of course it's own challenges too. So, rather than surviving on trying to make band-aids stick, I think it is time to look at the hurt. Face that wound, and let it heal the right way. So that I can take on this new chapter with the strength and courage that it deserves. The passion and drive that will make it an epic adventure. :) Thank you Lord for being the author and perfecter of my faith.

End of a Journey, Start of a New

Today I officially finished my first cruise ship contract. What a journey it has been. So many challenges and trials. So many emotions to face and lessons to learn. At the beginning of this contract I had no idea I would be where I am today. Some of those ways are hard and are taking some getting use to. Others are amazing and exciting. The total package though just makes me feel blessed and provided for.
This morning I got up early because we had to go through a bunch of paper work and go through customs. I was extra early though and decided I would go and watch the sun rise as we sailed into New York City. What an amazing sight. The Sun coming up over the buildings. Gradually bringing the city more and more to life. Watching the buildings come closer and closer as we sailed further in. I took deep breaths and just thought about where I am at. What I have been through and where I want to go. What is the next chapter for me? What does God have in store? What new and challenging adventure will he send me on? What do I want?
I think for a long time I based what I want off of other people. I tweaked the way I think or feel based on other people thoughts. We all fall into this trap at some point or another I think, others just have a harder time with it. Our identity is not our own, it is what others tell us to be. What a dangerous trap. There is a difference also between molding your identity to what others want, and being challenged by their ideas. I think before this contract started in some ways I was the first and during this contract I became more of the latter.
I was so blessed on this contract to be surrounded by a lot of different types or people. With Drastically different ideas on how life should be lived and what morals should be held dear. I find it interesting that when I was in Tennessee I molded myself way more into what people wanted me to be, but on the ship surrounded by some far out ideas I realized how strong my core foundation was. I was reminded of how strong my heart is and how blessed I am to have a loving savior who lives in that heart. I was Curtis Wilson, 100% genuine me. I started to form my own dream more, my own ambitions started to surface again. I use to be this way a lot more, but I think over time, my desire to be wanted and cared for changed all that.
So with this new chapter I resolve to pursue more. To live more. To challenge myself more. To be open to change more. I have a loving father who has a plan for me. Why not trust that he will take me on the Epic adventure that he promises me, and mold me into the man he wants me to be along the way? I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Seasons Of Change

God has an amazing ability to surprise us at every turn. Just when you feel you have your life figured out or there is some form of stability, it is adjusted or altered in order to help you grow, or bring you closer to him. This can take place in good situations and bad. When you get a promotion in a job ,that is a great thing if you are supporting a family or trying to achieve a goal, it is also an added challenge because of more responsibility. Something that is good, was used to make you stronger or grow you as a person. Every situation has it’s pro’s and con’s it has it’s ups and downs. We are responsible for taking each situation and allowing that lesson to be learned and the next step to be taken in our lives.
I just recently finished an amazing book by one of my favorite authors, Donald Miller, where he dove into the idea of each of us as a character in a story. Each of us has a story and we can either choose to go where our writer tells us, or we can challenge that idea for something else. We can go down a path and have a good story, or we can go down another and embrace a comfortable less challenging story. A story without ambition, a story without love, a story without excitement. We have a choice in everything we do. He went on say that sometime people get stuck in that bad story of their lives because they have become use to it. They settle for the comfortable story even though they are frustrated or upset. Even though they feel fake or unsatisfied. They think it is better to have a bad story that they know how to handle and know what will happen, rather than a good story that they have no clue what the outcome will be. Fear keeps them trapped.
With each leg of my journey I learn so much. I have been pushed to limits I didn’t know I had. I have grown in areas that I thought I couldn’t grow anymore. I am learning to love people better, to enjoy life more, and to trust that God has his ever guiding hand on my life. Another thing that is cool in the book I read is when he talks about inciting incidents in stories, and how they push/ cause the character in that story to make a move of some kind. That move/ choice is up to them after that inciting incident has occurred. They can take the push and use the momentum to take them places or they can take the push and let it shove them on the ground. I am right now, at this moment, being pushed off the blocks so to speak. A new journey is about to start in my life, I don’t know what twists and turns it might take me on, but I know I will be ok. I know that I want a good story, an epic story of fighting for what I believe, taking chances, loving well, living well, and learning so much along the way.
Thank you Lord, for pushing me and growing me. Thank you for not letting me be comfortable even though I beg for it sometimes. Thanks for being my writer, and making my character develop more and more into an amazing man. I love you.

Sailing

I think one of my favorite things about being on a ship are the stormy days. There is something about how the ocean looks and feels right before the storm hits. The smell in the air that tells you that the weather is about to change. Watching the clouds roll across the sky and seeing the rain as it heads in your direction. Maybe I have too much faith in my captain on the ship or the vessel itself, but I never think that is might effect my safety. I am more caught up in the majesty of the stormy day and the orchestra of wind, rain, and lightening that ensues.
I don’t know what it is about being on a ship, but it always makes me think of life in ship terms. Haha. I think it is interesting to consider the picture of our lives being a ship and experiencing the different kinds of weather; challenges and trials, we face. Not every thing is a big storm with crashing waves and thunder and lightening. Sometimes you come across fog, where you can’t see clearly. Sometimes you come across huge waves that rock your ship from side to side, and it can be a struggle to stay on course.
It is calming for me to think about my life in such a way. Sometime I feel like my problems or worries are so big and too much to handle. Why should I think that way though. I can look at a storm coming toward the cruise ship I am on, and not have a care in the world. I can enjoy the ride, so to speak, and take in the effects of it. I trust in the captain and know that he will navigate us through anything rough that we may come up against. We are safe on the ship, because we have someone leading the way that is trained and knowledgeable.
I have that is my life as well. My captain is a heavenly father who is all knowing and can, and does, lead me through every storm or change in weather that I face. I can go through a time of not knowing where I am going next, because I have a captain who is sailing me through it. I can go through times when there is a lot of change and people fail me, knowing that no matter how much my world is rocked I will make it through because my captain is pushing through the rough patch and I will stay on the course he has set for my life.
I am so thankful right now for God’s provision in my life. He has brought so much joy and growth to me. He has allowed me to face different challenges that have made me a much stronger man than I was. He has allowed me to experience true friendship and true family. He has allowed me to be in a relationship with someone that I adore and through that relationship opened my eyes even more to his amazing unconditional love for me. Thank you LORD!!!
With all this talk about ships and sailing and life and challenges, I am reminded of a song that my friend Shea showed me by Phil Wickham. Some of the Lyrics go like this: “With every storm I face. I find a greater grace. Which pulls me deeper into your heart. Im sailing on a ship that’s bound for life. I wrestle with the wind against the tide, I leave it all behind to reach for more. I’m sailing on to your golden shore.” I am thankful for this journey, and hopeful for an amazing future, being directed by my God.

Crossing the Finish Line

We are down to almost 2 weeks! 2 weeks and I am home with the people I love and care for the most. 2 weeks and I can finally drive a car again and even go for a hike up in the mountains. 2 weeks and I can enjoy a bit of a break and enjoy the holidays. I can’t wait to be home!
In this last bit of time I have left here on the Norwegian Jewel I have to remember that there are still lessons for me to learn here. There is still more that I can take from this experience and I have to remember not to short change that. It reminds me of the first summer I spent at discipleship focus in Tennessee. I was so ready to go home because I didn’t feel like I fit in. I was ready to go home and be with my true friends. I was ready for the hard part to be over.
I think that the hard part is always going to be there. If you are growing as a person, you are always going to have challenges and bumps in the road. Some are bigger than others, but none the less they are lessons to be learned. When I allowed myself to embrace my time I had left in Tennessee several years ago I made friendships that I cherish to this day. I learned so much about myself and about who God wants me to be. If I would have checked out right then when I wanted to, I might not have got to experience the true fellowship that I did there. Thank goodness I had an amazing mentor and friend Dennis to encourage me to stay present rather than letting my mind take me home before it was time.
So, how do I stay present here when my heart is already on it’s way back to Tennessee? I guess that is part of my lesson I need to learn. I have 2 weeks left to get to know someone better on the ship. I have 2 weeks left to experience the different ports that we go to and really take in the beauty and culture that each port has to offer. I have 2 weeks left to get a nice tan. Haha
Time is flying and this leg of my journey will be over soon, but there are many more adventures to come. New challenges, new lessons to learn, new places to go and experience. I am blessed beyond compare with amazing friends who love me. I have a family who prays for me daily. I have an other half who I adore and who loves me in return. Most importantly, I have a God who is leading the way and showing me some amazing stuff around each turn. Finish strong! I hear there is a Mcalisters and a tall glass of sweet tea waiting for me at the finish line.

Something New Is Coming

Tonight I have the amazing view outside my porthole of the brightest full moon I have ever seen. I looked outside and could have been tricked into believing that it was the sun if it hadn’t been dark outside. The reflection off of the ocean water is breathtaking. I shut off all the lights in my room and just sat on my bed, taking it all in. Breathing deep the amazing bit of God’s creation that he is sharing with me. I am yet again reminded that I not in control.
Sometimes we get fooled into thinking that when things go well, that we are in control. That we have something to do with it and if we continue, we will achieve great things. That is just not the case. I recently got offered a contract on another ship. This contract will go to the Western Caribbean to some amazing ports and then over to the Baltic. Truly an amazing contract and an answer to prayer. I received word of this contract and was jumping off the walls. I ran to tell my friends on the ship. They shared in my joy and enthusiasm and excitement. In my mind all my hard work had paid off. I had sent email after email to company after company and finally something happened! Yipee! I have a job. Then, I got a bit of reality punched into me. I am not in control.
No, the contract wasn’t taken away. I was though, reminded that just because you have plans and expectations of how a situation will turn out, doesn’t mean it is going to go your way. You still have to be patient and humble in everything. Realizing that I did nothing to deserve this opportunity. I did nothing to make it happen other than try my best to trust that the Lord would provide. Yea, I sent some emails, but the Lord was the one that came through.
God knows the desires of our heart. He know the path that he will lead us on. Sometimes that path will be alone. I have always had the blessing of being pushed out of my comfort zone, with some form of comfort there as a cushion. When I moved to Tennessee, I had been there before and at least knew the area and had one or two friends. When I came on the cruise ship I was in a totally different environment, but I had two of my good friends on board with me. This upcoming contract, I might be going at it all alone. It isn’t for sure yet, but I might not have any comfort zone in this situation other than the fact that I have worked on a ship in the past. When I realized this fact, among many others, I was reminded of that desperate dependence that I have on Christ. That need to have him near me at all times. During the Joyful celebrations, and the hard moments. If I do indeed go on yet another contract alone, and this time even more so, I have to remember, I am never really alone. No matter what trials, frustrations, or heartaches may come my way I have a great and might father and friend, who is right there with me through it all.
So, although the wind might have been taken out of my sails, I feel the faint, yet promising feeling, that they will be picking up again soon. My path is set, I am humbly approaching the wheel of my ship, and I get the opportunity to watch as the captain of my life steers me in the right direction

Prayer

Prayer is something that is always evolving in my life. Always changing and growing and transitioning. I just finished a chapter in the bible study that I am doing with my love about prayer. It re-opened my eyes to how selfish I am in prayer. I am always saying give me, give me, give me. I often neglect the thought that this is me talking to my friend. This is communicating with a loved one, the most loved one in my life. So, why is it that I treat it less than any other friendship or relationship? Do I go up to my friends and constantly ask them for things? No. Do I call up my significant other and read off a list of requirements that I have for them? No. So why should I do that with my Lord?
Right now I am stressed out a bit. I am trying to figure out my next step with regards to a job. It feels like so many things tie into me getting a contract and I feel sometimes that if one thing doesn’t work out it will cause a domino effect in my life. I add so much pressure to a situation that is unnecessary. I know I am not in control of it, and that scares me even more. So, in this situation what do I pray for? Do I pray for a job? Do I pray that I get the exact contract that I want with the person I want? Or do I pray for God’s attitude in the situation? Do I pray that he will grant me peace that he is in control and allow me the blessing of seeing him move in my life? Obviously the latter prayers would be the healthiest, but also the hardest.
We are so hardwired growing up with a control mentality. We are the ones who get ourselves places. We are the ones who have to set things in motion in order for results to happen. We are in control of our destiny. Even in Christian homes we are taught this, but after all the trying to control our lives, we throw up a prayer asking for the things we are trying to control. We ask God to provide, but do we really expect him to? A lot of times, I act as though I don’t expect God to come through for me. In my situation now, my constant prayer is that the Lord would grow me in my trust in him. That he would make his love more real to me so that I will let go of control and allow him to truly move in my life. If I truly trust that God loves me that I can truly trust that he will take care of me and provide everything that I need. This is way way way easier said than done.
For the past week or so I have woken up almost every night with anxiety. I sit in bed for several hours trying to go back to sleep but the questions keep rolling through my head. What is next? Where will I go? What will become of me? So, just like anything that we struggle with I have to make the conscious effort to revert to what I know is truth. I know all the things listed above. That God has a plan for my life. That he loves me more than anything. That he is in control. That he faithful. That is merciful. That he forgives me. That he is just and holy. That he is everything. I am rocked back to sleep by truth. My back is being rubbed by God’s promises. My eyes can close knowing that I will wake up in the morning to a day planned out for me my the one who wants to transform me into my best. Into his best.
So, I will end this blog with a pray of my own. My friends out there that read this blog. Please pray for me. I would love and cherish your thoughts and prayers as I move into yet another transition time in my life.
Lord, I am anxious and unsure of the future. I am not sure which way to turn or where to go. I have a desire of what I want things to be, but I know that you have a plan that far surpasses my own. So Lord I ask that you please take my attitude. My attitude of fear and frustration, and transform it into an attitude of peace and submission to your will for my life. Lord please make you love real to me, and allow me to see glimpses of you moving in my life and others lives so that I can learn to trust your love for me more. I can’t control anything, no matter how hard I try Lord, so allow me the courage to lay down my burden of anxiety and rest in your peace. To rest in the assurance that you have a plan for me. That you will provide for me what I need, exactly when I need it. This is your life to mold and make, please allow me the patience to rest and believe that.

Friendships vs. Acquaintances

Sea days are becoming the bane of my existence. Cabin fever use to just be a song I heard on one of the Muppet Movies but now it is becoming more and more real to me. It feels like you are trapped and this was enhanced a bit today because we were informed that due to passenger complaints on having to wait in lines and such, the crew would be punished and not allowed to eat in the buffet area. Which leaves most people the only option of the crew or staff mess. In other words, cafeteria food…..and worse that what we grew up with in school This does not inspire a lot of joy from the crew especially on a sea day. Not only can we not get off the ship, we can’t eat where we want. Oh ship life.
I have also found that no matter how busy you keep yourself and how many lists you make of things to do there will always be more down time than you can fill. This leads me to missing my love. I don’t want to beat a dead horse about feeling that way, but it is true. I wish I were back home with my friends and loved ones. I wish I could spend quality time with my love and not have to worry about scheduling out time. Those conveniences that I took for granted when I was there.
I had a great talk with one of the nurses on the ship, Donna. We talked about how lonely a ship can be. I am not the incredibly outgoing type. I like to have fun and I don’t mind being silly from time to time, but that is with friends. People I know and am comfortable with. Being in a new surrounding I usually find people that I connect with. Then I invest time with them and try and grow that friendship. If it continues then of course that friendship will grow. On this ship it is hard because you see the cliques that people form. Everyone has their group of people, or just one person, that they tend to spend most of their time with. Breaking into these cliques and establishing a real friendship requires a lot of work. It is almost harder than high school trying to make strong friendships. Being surrounded by performers everyone is pretty good at putting on a nice smile and being friendly. Networking is part of our job, we are designed to interact with people. That makes it difficult, in some cases, to see what it someone really taking an interest in friendship and someone just getting close enough to you so that they can use you later. That is kind of a harsh way of putting it, but in reality that is what we do as performers. It isn’t so much about what you do, it is about who you know.
When did the word friend become so blasé that we throw it around to any new person that came into our lives. How is it honest to say , “Oh, my friend Tamika was in that show, she is great. Do you think you could give me a contact?” but in reality you have only maybe had 2 real conversations with that person. Is that really grounds for crossing over the line from acquaintance to friend?
I guess that means we need to know what the definition of friend is. According to the dictionary a friend is:
Have we settled is this day and age for shallow friendship that only satisfy for the moment. Have we lost the drive to really get to know people, to be transparent with people and learn what there heart is like, to truly fellowship with someone? Are we missing the boat?…..no pun intended. I think in some ways we are.
Thinking back on conversations with my great-grandparents and older people I admire I remember when they talk about their friends. These people were more like family to them. They knew these people. They invested in these people. They had a connection deeper that any acquaintance could offer. I remember my Great Grandma talking about one of her dear friends, Dawn I think was her name, and tears came to her eyes just talking about the good times they had together. She ended her conversation about Dawn saying that “She was like my sister.”
Quality over quantity. Every person is different and some people are able to balance more friendships. Those people I do keep up with are my true friends though. People that know me really well. They know the good and the bad. They have been there through it all. These people I consider my family. My brothers and sisters.
My challenge coming on this ship was to put myself out there more. To be open to new friendships and to not be so guarded. I am so glad that I am learning to be more open to people. That is a freeing thing for me. I still crave those true friendships though. Those people that you connect with, that get you. Those people that respect and love you and you respect and love them. I think the deeper lesson for me on this ship is that my true friendship that will always be there is with the Lord. That is very much a Sunday school answer, but it is true. On this ship the Lord placed the type of relationships I needed to grow me and to challenge me. He had a plan for my time here. I have been blessed with great deep close friendships at home and I have a couple close friends on the ship. This contract was not designed, I guess, for me to build more deep friendships. It was designed for me to reconnect with my best friend and my truly forever friend, Christ. So that being said. Does that excuse me from putting myself out there still? No. I think aside from reconnecting with Christ and I am learning that I can love on people and be real with people even if I am not super close with them. They do not have to be my close friend for me to share Christ’s love with them. I can still ask them about their lives. I can still laugh with them and enjoy their company. Even if it doesn’t get too deep.
I have always had the irrational fear of being left. Of being abandon and not having anything. I think this fear carries over to friendships. I guard myself and desire only deep friendships because I don’t like feeling disposable. With my close friends there is a lot invested in our friendships and it is not something that can be thrown away lightly. With acquaintances, I will almost always get left. Not that it is in any way maliciously, that is just what happens with people going in all different directions. They are in your life for a season and then move on. God had a plan for that brief moment and you have to leave it at that.
All this rambling to say, although I feel lonely a lot here. I am learning each day that no matter what, at the end of my day I can rest in the arms of my savior. I can lean on him and know that he is there always and forever and nothing will change that. I have the deepest most intimate relationship with him and that is enough, when I truly take advantage of it, to supply all my needs. That is the truest friendship I will ever experience.

Days of our Birth

So, yesterday was my brother’s birthday and also my love’s birthday. Birthdays are such a weird celebration. For some they are just another day. For others it is a big celebration that must be celebrated with fireworks and fanfare. Then there is a middle group of people who don’t care either way. I think most of these are slightly determined by either you age and or gender. In any event, I usually land in the middle group. Some birthdays I think deserve a bit of excitement and others I would just rather keep low key. No matter what though, I think on birthdays you are meant to be surround by friends or family. To be around the people who love you and care for you. It is a nice reminder once a year that people are glad that you are alive and because you are alive you have impacted their lives.
I am use to being away from my brother on his birthday. His is one of the only birthdays in my family that I actually remember. I will usually call and sing a soothing rendition of happy birthday for him which he loves. Haha. Then if I am in town we might go to dinner or something as a family. I am use to, at this point, not being around though. He knows I love him and how much I appreciate him and that is that. We have never been the most sentimental of brothers, although I wish we were sometimes.
Being away from my love yesterday was a bit hard. To be able to celebrate and spoil that special someone on their special day is something that I love to do. To spend that quality time with them and remind them over and over how much you care for them is something I missed out on doing. Of course I did all of those things from afar, but it just wasn’t the same for me, and my heart was heavy a little. This whole long distance thing is always a challenge in some way. I am so proud of my relationship and how God has really blessed and maintained it while we have been apart. There are just little times like birthdays, or parties, or gathering of friends that you wish you could be a part of with them. To be there having fun with them again and enjoying just Being there. Around the person. In the same place. Being able to glance across a crowded room, and be talking to totally different groups or people, and shoot a wink to your other half. Little things like that, that fill your heart. At least mine anyway. These are things that I am looking so forward to when I get home. To be able to enjoy those little moments that we take for granted.
Today was a quite day for me. I walked around Sydney, Nova Scotia and had a lot of time to think. Days like this are great sometimes, and other times they are hard. Today was kind of a mix. I enjoyed the simplicity of my day and the town that I was in. It kind of just slowed me down a bit and allowed me to breath and remember to take time and enjoy where I am at right now, and not get to far ahead me myself. On the other end of things it was one of those days that I wish I could have been exploring with my bestie. We made the most out of even a silly town like Pigeon Forge, and had fun exploring and enjoying the better things the area had to offer. So, when I am walking, especially on my own, I think about how much fun it would be, to be doing this with my love. Exploring a place that neither of us has been and enjoying the history, food, and culture of the city we are in.
In order to put myself in perspective, and not get too wrapped up in the Debbie downer part of my day, I made a note of how long I have left in my contract. 6 more weeks after this one. That’s it. Then I am done and back on land. Able to drive my car, be with friend, celebrate the holidays with loved ones. 6 weeks. That is no time at all. Of course once I reach that point there will be a whole other set of things to deal with, but for now. I will rest in the fact that I am done soon. I can enjoy my time and trust that the Lord will finish up all the loose ends that are out there right now. I can also rejoice in the fact that I once said I would never do long distance and kicked and screamed that I couldn’t do it, and now look at where we are. 4 months apart, and I feel like I love, and am more at peace with my relationship than ever. I feel like we both have grown and matured. I feel like we both realized some things we were taking for granted. I feel like we are even better at communicating than we already were. I feel good. J
So, in saying these things, I am blessed because my love was born. I have been touched because of that life coming into this world and the Lord is using that to grow me and teach me. I am so thankful for you my love. Happy Birthday, and hopefully next year I can have the blessing of celebrating it with you again.

Alone, but not Lonely

Today was a good day. A day that was much needed for my heart and my head. I spent the majority of my day completely by myself. I explored, I took an adventure, I tasted great food, and I barely touched my phone. This may not seem like a big deal, but to me, being alone can be one of the hardest things ever.
I woke up this morning and hit the snooze button about 3 times not wanting to start my day. After the third and final time I pressed the button, I sat up in bed and said to myself. ‘Today is the day you go at it alone. You reclaim some independence and free yourself from codependency.’ A pretty lofty statement for that early in the morning but I needed a kick in the pants and a change of attitude.
I gathered my things together. Put on my warmest jacket and headed out into Quebec City. It was a chilly morning. I stepped outside at about 9:00AM and could see my breath. There was a line of old people waiting for the shuttle from the port into the city. I stood there for a moment and then decided I could use a nice walk and made my way on foot. I didn’t really know where I was going, all I knew is that my final destination was on the other side of some water and at the top of a hill where the fortress in Quebec City stands overlooking everything. So, I walked. I thought about what I needed to do today, I prayed, I thought about how much I missed my love, and just as I started to feel sorry for myself I saw it. A quaint little café at the very very bottom of the hill underneath the fortress. The smell alone was enough to beckon people passing by to come in. It was the most picturesque little French style café and I decided it would be my first stop on my alone day. I went inside, grabbed a coffee and a pastry and sat at a table by myself. I didn’t pull out my computer to get connected to the world. I didn’t pull out my phone and call/text people who I wanted to talk to. I just sat there. I enjoyed my coffee and croissant. I watched the people walking on the brick streets out side. I took in the sights and sounds as other shops were beginning to open and the streets were becoming more filled with people going to their various destinations. I sat there, alone, and enjoyed it.
After that I continued my walk up toward the fortress. I stopped to take pictures of various statues and building that I thought were nice. I listened in on some of the tour groups that were stopped by historical buildings. Then I grabbed a couple birthday cards, one for my brother and the other for my love, and headed to a nearby park to fill them out. After finishing that up I took them to the post office where I met a very sweet old lady who was literally half my size. She reminded me of my Grandma DeLaPorte. She decided that I seemed safe enough and started to talk to me. The only problem was that she only spoke French. I expressed to her the best way I knew how that I couldn’t really understand her, but she kept talking, but added more hand motions which helped me understand her more. It reminded me of college and going into Lisbon, Portugal or Cameroon, Africa and communicating with people without really saying anything. To enjoy a conversation or interaction without even saying a word is really a cool experience. I finished sending off my packages and said goodbye to my knew friend. She flashed me a huge smile and I left with one of my own as I headed to explore some more.
I finally got to the fortress and walked along the edge that overlooks the city. The trees have started changing and I took in the yellows, reds, and oranges that lit them up so vibrantly. The sun was out more and burned off some of the overcast. Like a curtain being pulled back and the show of this beautiful day was about to start. I had walked to the end of the path and just sat there and let the sun warm me up a bit. I was getting a little hungry again so I grabbed a quick snack and then went to another park by the Government building in the center of the city. I sat there and read a book for about an hour while sparrows were bouncing around me trying to find little bits of food. I hummed “His Eye Is On the Sparrow” to myself and laughed a little at how fun it is when you open your eyes to when God is talking to you. As my last blog stated I am a little overwhelmed with some worries and fears that I have. I am in the process of learning to let go and communicate with God more about these worries and fears. Seeing these sparrows and recalling that song was just a bit of comfort for my heart. A little pat on the back from my Heavenly Father reminding me that I would be ok. I love physical touch, so even the thought within that though is a comfort to me. I think sometimes I don’t take advantage of the quite moments anymore. I run away from them because they make me lonely. Today, I remember how sweet those moments really are and wondered why I had let them slip away.
The rest of my day included a few more shops. I ran into some friends from my ship and talked with them for a bit and then made my way back to my home away from home. Reflecting on this day I can’t even express how wonderful it was for me. I think you could ask most people that I grew up with or went to college with and they would tell you that I am a really independent person. I use to enjoy going where I wanted to go, when I wanted to go there. Where my stubbornness has not left me for getting what I want, I think some of my independence I have allowed to be let go. I allowed my friendships to define me more and I started to rely on them more for my significance rather than knowing who I really am and who I am suppose to be. I got too caught up in the people pleasing and it became a drug to where if I was not around people getting that affirmation or acceptance I was a mess. I think this ship is kind of like rehab for me. I don’t have all my close friends here. I don’t have my love here. I have a couple great friends to give me a bit of human support and then I have my Lord. I have time with myself, and with that alone time I have the opportunity to become more ok with this amazing man that I am. That might sound conceded, but I assure you, it is a statement made out of totally humility.
Today I spent the whole day alone. Walked the streets alone. I ate alone. I read alone. I took pictures alone. I maybe spoke 50 words the first half of my day. I was alone, but for the first time in a long time, I felt ok with it.

Patience, Trust, and Compromise

So, it seems that the recent theme in my life is compromise. When out with friends the questions arise, Where should we eat? What shop do you want to go in? How long do you want to spend here? Who do you want to spend time with? How much time do you want to spend with them? In relationships its, What time is best to talk? What do you need? Can you do this? Can I do that? How does this make you feel? Etc. Etc. Compromise. The give and the take. The yen and yang of anything. Two opposite sides coming together to make a balance. My question that was so well put by my friend Carrie Bradshaw is, When does compromising become…..well, compromising?
When do you reach your limit? When is the pressure to change and adjust so much that you decide to pull your hair out and join the rest of the Vontrapp family as they run away across the Austrian Alps? I think in any friendship or relationship it is sometimes hard to see the other side. To see the changes made in the other persons life to cater to your needs more. I think sometimes, at least for me, I see all that I am changing and all that I am trying to do to make the people in my life happy, that I get frustrated when I don’t see the same change or accommodation on their end. If only my eyes could be opened wide to what others do for me. I wouldn’t be such a selfish jerk sometimes. I would appreciate people more, and on the flip side realize that limit. The moment when you see that you are alone in it, and nothing you can do will change it.
I am a very passionate person. When I commit to something or someone, I am in it. I will do anything to make sure that the task is finished or the relationship/ friendship will work. In some ways this is a great trait to have. In others it is awful. It is one of those things that I mentioned in a previous blog about creating your own suffering. I allow myself to get so caught up in pleasing everyone or working myself to death to have a good product that I end up stressed out and overwhelmed. I carry a weight that I shouldn’t be carrying. The scary thing is that I will carry it until I eventually break down and all that I was carrying is scattered on the floor and I am left with nothing. All for the sake of compromise. If that is compromise then why is it so heavy? Why does it hurt so much? Why does it leave me feeling alone? Is it because I am allowing myself to feel that way?
I just finished a chapter in my Bible study about how we are to respond to difficult circumstances. What do you do when faced with hard things like compromises we don’t really want to make? The first step according to this book is to check your attitude. What is the core feeling that you are having and the attitude behind it? Is this weight simply out of insecurity or is it a valid frustration or concern? The thing with all compromise is that you have to not only deal with adjusting with that compromise, you have to deal with her ugly sister patience. What a wonderful and awful virtue to learn and practice. Patience that God has a plan. Patience that things will get better. Patience that you will be ok. Patience that people can change.
Right now it is 2:30 AM and I am sitting awake because I am trying to be patient. I am trying to compromise and realize that it is healthy and will make things happier in the long run. Weather that be compromising and doing added shows or events that I don’t feel like doing on the ship, or relationship compromises about how much we talk and what is acceptable and not in that relationship. Why can’t this be easier for my head and my heart to process? How do you let go? I think it all goes back to trust. I have found when learning a lesson you are not just picking up one character trait, you are being faced with many. Compromise, Patience, Trust. All of these are big things to learn , and things that we all face at various points in our lives. Right now for me I am trying to trust that the Lord has a plan for me. A perfect plan, and that he will provide exactly what I need, when I need it. I am learning Patience in doing things in many many areas of my life that I don’t feel comfortable with. That leads to the Compromise part of it. Adjusting and learning and growing being ok with change and going back to trusting that it will work out according to God’s plan.
I think when we were younger we were naive to the fact that we were learning these things. The older we got the more control we wanted to have and thus these lessons became harder to learn and harder to face. Our childlike faith and trust got tainted and jaded by the world. So, how do you get that back. How do we learn to trust and let go when we have been let down so many times? How do we learn to be truly patient when that patience has ended in hurt? How do we let go of our pride and compromise when we have done that in the past and been stabbed in the back because of it?
There is no other answer that I know of but to just do it. To take that leap and know, in your heart, that things will truly be ok. On my end of things right now, I know I am truly blessed. I have a great job that I enjoy. I have the best friends in all the world. I have a wonderful love that is supportive and caring and is there for me. I have a God who never never never will leave me. If I truly accept these blessing in my life. If I truly allow myself to take the wonderful gifts that I have been given in friends, love, heavenly father, and family. The leap is worth taking. I go back to my time at college and the team building trust fall we did. I turn around. Put my hands across my chest………..and fall. I let go of my control, and trust those who love me. Those who care for me. The one who is perfect that lives in my heart, knowing that I will be safe. Then after taking that fall; that leap, I will be better able to catch someone else when they are learning the same lessons. I can’t wait to get to that point.

Sunsets and Lighthouses

Today I had a wonderful day in Newport. It started off with me getting up and wanting to get off the ship as quickly as possible. I had a lot on my mind and was ready to get some fresh air and walk around a bit. So, I held off on breakfast and made my way to the gangway right after a quick cup of coffee of course. I get there and end up waiting, and waiting, and waiting. In reality it wasn’t really that long, I was just being impatient. Finally I got on the tender boat and waiting more as we made our way to shore. Finally we made it and my friends and I headed for our favorite restaurant. We get there and it is closed…..now what. My already impatient mind is getting a bit frazzled. So, we walk a bit and every where we turn the restaurants are closed and only open for dinner. Finally we find a nice place and enjoy a great meal. During our time off the ship it is always important to use the electronic devices that you normally can’t. Especially if you have business to attend to. I have a huge pet peeve about talking on the phone around other people especially at a restaurant or in a car. My 2 friends I was with were both on their phones talking on and off during out time at the restaurant. It really wasn’t a big deal but I found myself getting more frustrated due to the already annoying events of the morning. They finished their business and we had a great meal and enjoying some laughter and lobster. After our meal and bit of shopping we stopped by Starbucks for wifi. I talked to my love and got a reminder of how blessed I am. How many things I have to be happy about. After talking there for a bit I went off on my own and walked around the town and took a look at some of the historical buildings. I found a colonial church with a beautiful lawn and garden next to it. I found a nice shaded spot and laid down in the grass. I looked up at the trees and watched the breeze move the branches and leaves from side to side. I ran my hands across the cool grass and took some deep breaths. I talked to my heavenly father and was reminded by his beautiful creation that I am loved. That there is a plan for my life, and that I don’t have to worry so much. I don’t have to take on the cares of the world. I don’t have to try and fix everything. It isn’t my job. After relaxing there a bit I went back to the ship and decided to motivate myself for the gym. I came back to my room changed and had a delicious meal while watching the sunset outside on the top deck. I was kicking myself because I didn’t have my camera or my phone and the view was literally breather taking. A gorgeous sunset reflecting off the water as sail boats glided there way to whatever destination they were heading. A beautiful house that was nestled on the top of a rock right in the middle of the water. Cliffs that jutted out and waves crashing on them. A light house at the very edge of the shore line. Perched on a cliff with it’s light shining brightly into the oncoming night. It was a wonderful evening that I will not soon forget. After today I read though some of my blogs and thought about who I am and what I strive to be. What are my goals. My love challenged me to make a list of all the things that make me happy. As much as I worry, and as much as I stress, and as much as I miss my love and my friends, I am content. I am happy. Do I have ambitions and desires that I am hoping will pan out, yes, but for now…today…I am choosing to let myself be happy. To wrap myself up in the joy that is in my life and is in my heart and exhale everything else. Tonight, I will sleep well. Good night.

Nueva York

So, I never have considered myself the kind of guy that would settle down in a city. I was raised in a smaller town where you really did know pretty much everyone. I grew up where I can hop in my car and drive, I can go for a hike, I can find a farmers market and enjoy fresh produce grown literally a mile or so away from my home. Yesterday in New York I got to see a glimpse of the small town that it really is. It was a beautiful day and I got some fresh perspective that was rather refreshing.
I got off the ship and went to breakfast with my friend Erika. I had some amazing French toast (surprise) along with some delicious eggs and real bacon(as opposed to the frozen nasty stuff on the ship). It felt like a breakfast that my Mom would make growing up and it took me back to waking up before school and coming down for a hearty breakfast as my mom bustled around trying to make sure we had everything together for our day. After that I took a walk and ran some errands. I went up 5th Avenue and up to Central Park. Normally walking around on my own in the city makes me a feel a bit lonely, but yesterday I found myself being more observant and opening my eyes to what was going on.
I saw an older couple walking around in the Park. She had her knit cardigan on, and he had his high waisted pants and loafers. The stereotypical older couple. Hand in hand he guided her and pointed out various types of flowers and plants. Just made me smile. Have they lived in New York their whole lives? Is this something that they use to do when they were dating or first married? Little things that I don’t normally think of when I imagine living in NYC. Having an easy day just relaxing in the park with your special someone.
Later on in the day I made my way to Starbucks and took advantage of the free wifi. While I was on there my old friend Joanna messaged me and said that she was in New York as well and asked me where I was at. I told her, and in 10 minutes she was sitting with me and we were catching up on the past 2 years that we hadn’t seen each other. Small world. Small town. What are the odds of meeting someone from England that I hadn’t seen in that long , who just happened to be in the same city and literally a block away from me. Big City, but moments like that give me a glimpse of how small it really is.
After meeting up with Jo, she and I went for a bit of a walk. It was about the time that most of the schools were getting out. School busses lined the side street by one of the schools and mothers were waiting outside for the little ones. I passed a couple little boys who were playing tag on the side walk and a group of little girls who were looking at some kid’s magazines. Probably all about Twilight, I didn’t check. Lol. For me this was a bizarre sight. These are things that I did after school when I was waiting for my mom. Things I did in my small town. To see these kids doing those same things in a City that, when I was there age, didn’t even know existed outside of movies, was so refreshing to me. It gave warmth to a city that can be rather cold. It slowed down the fast paced life that I normally experience there and reminded me that a life really could be lived there, and there really would be people around that would care about me and I could relate to and fellowship with. We continued to walk and I saw a little kid in front of a hotdog stand dancing and the couple running the stand were dancing with her. I saw tenderness that I don’t normally associate with that city.
Seeing these things and experiencing that softer side of the city opened my eyes even more to the prospect of living there. Having a family there and building a life. I don’t if I could live there forever, but I think I could give it a go. The city of opportunity is no longer limited in my head to job opportunities, but opportunities to have a life, have friends, have a family, be happy. It isn’t as scary anymore. For that, I am thankful.

I Want to Break Free!

Disconnect. I think that sometimes I get so caught up in making it work that I make my life and my relationships harder. I stress myself out trying to be available and communicative. I overwhelm my mind trying to figure out what is the best and most healthy thing for me and my emotional state while, in many ways, being cut off from the world. I just don’t really know how to balance it all. I know that life is a journey; a process, but is that process always stress related or is that something that I am adding onto myself. Do we create our own suffering more or is that something that is part of the plan. Is my stress and frustration over even the smallest of things designed to bring out something better in me? I think so. As hard as it is for me to process through that thought, I think in the long run all this stress and frustration is designed to make me stronger, make me more confidante, make me a better person.
I feel like this is kind of repeating myself from previous blogs but I find that I have to remind myself that I am growing. I wish sometimes that I could step outside of myself and watch my life for a moment and see how I am doing from an outside standpoint. What choices am I making that are building me up and what choices are tearing me down? Am I truly being healthy emotionally or am I allowing myself to get caught up in the negative? Am I being burdened and weighing myself down by worry and frustration over things that I can’t control?
So, that being said, how do you start to make healthier choices? How do you let go? I love things that are comfortable and easy. Who doesn’t? If change and adjusting is a part of everyday life, even more in my profession, how do you start to become more ok with it? I find, for me, that I have to consciously take some time and make myself process though things that are weighing on my heart. I have to unpack the boxes that are building up in my mind and sort out the junk from the treasures. Even in that process I have to force myself to look at the treasures while the junk pile gets bigger and bigger. I have to keep my eyes on the good as I throw the trash in a jumbo glad trash bag, and throw it out of my mind.
I think this is also a reminder of how we as Christians should live out life. There is so much junk around that brings us down and contaminates our hearts. It is so easy to let that pile that is in the world overwhelm the good that is shining brightly through it all. I think the majority of the depression I have faced in my life has been due to the lack of being aware of the good. Being conscious of the uplifting things around me. Taking advantage of the good and edifying times I have with friends and holding those times close rather than enjoying them when they happen and then forgetting about them.
I have a wonderful love in my life who validates me and shows me love so well. I have friends who are there for me no matter what and who always uplift and encourage. I have people who don’t even know me that compliment me and uplift my spirit. I have a God who says he will never leave me. I have all these amazing and wonderful blessings and I appreciate them and their love for such a brief time before I allow myself to be sucked back into my own worry. My own insecurity. Wake up Curtis Lee Wilson, you are surrounded by love and security. Embrace it.
A special note to my love. I am so sorry that I take you for granted. You are wonderful and a true blessing. Thanks for your never ending patience. You have my heart!

There's a Change in the Air

There are a lot of things going on here. So many new challenges and hurdles that need to be jumped and then hopefully we can have “smooth sailing” for the rest of the contract. We just acquired a new singer that is being installed into the show along with a new adage couple. Being the vocal captain on the ship I have been busy running some rehearsals and helping teach our new guy the music. He is a quick study though so I am not worries. We have moved around some songs in order to make the show work better so I have like 4 new songs that I am singing so it is like I am in a new show as well. Kind of exciting and kind of scary all at the same time. What an experience though in being flexible and working though difficult/stressful circumstances. We open our who for the 2nd time now in 2 days. Fingers crossed everything will go smoothly without any pitfalls.
On a more pleasant note we are now on the New England run and I am LOVING it! The air is changing to this clean, cool, crisp air that just slightly nips your nose when you go outside. Our first port that we go to is Newport, Rhode Island and it is probably one of the quaintest little towns I have ever been to. It reminds me a lot of going to Vermont and visiting my Aunt and Uncle John and Mary. Going and eating at great restaurants and enjoying just a more laid back atmosphere. The town has a lot of historical buildings and sights to see. It also has a ton of sailboats that are so beautiful and ornate. I am a huge fan of sailboats. They are just so elegant as they glide across the water. The sails shifting with the wind driving the boat from one direction to the next. Really beautiful. I got off the ship and took the tender boat to the dock and got off into the town. After that I walked through part of the town taking in the sights and smells of restaurants with all their windows open because the temperature is just perfect. Some friends and I found a really great restaurant serving brunch and took advantage of it. We had an amazing meal with great conversation and laughter. After that I ventured out on my own a little in my search to find free wifi. Brick streets bordered by little shops with various different wares to sell. A little white church sits at the center of town surrounded by a beautiful lawn that was beckoning you to come and lay down or pull our your frisbee and have some fun. I fought the urge to take off my shoes and walk through the lawn and made my way to the famous free wifi spot….Starbucks. Even the Starbucks here was beautiful. It had a loft on top with really comfy chairs that I made my home as I did my bible study with my love via Skype. What a wonderful day. I didn’t want to leave that town at all and I am really looking forward to next week when we go back. This time I am going to really do some exploring. Also, the next time we are there the town will be hosting the Annual Sailboat races. Should be good for some nice pictures and entertainment.
The rest of this cruise we are making our way from Halifax, NS to Sydney, NS and finishing out our time in Quebec City. We will be in rehearsals for all but Quebec City so I will be running off the ship as quickly as possible. At that point I think I will be on the verge of cabin fever.
Tonight I had a great dinner with my friend Erika and then took a walk on my own around the Promenade deck There was on one else out there so I took my time as I circled the ship. Watching the end of a beautiful sunset and thinking about how much I miss my love. There is something about looking out over the seemingly endless ocean that makes you feel so small. It is a peaceful feeling and a lonely feeling all at the same time. Really hard for me to describe. In any case, I found a deck chair and sat for a bit. Let out some tears, and rested for a moment there as I chatted with the Lord about my heart. Living in a bubble here on the ship has been hard for me because of the disconnect. I love being able to call my friend and see how they are or vent if something is going on with me. I think this is so good for me in many many ways, but hard because I feel so alone because of that disconnect. It is good because it reminds me that the person I need to be going to more is my Lord. Challenges, learning experience, growing pains, these are themes of this New Adventure I am on. Just when things start to get comfortable here comes something else. I do rejoice in that because it means that I am indeed growing and it will make me a stronger man because of it, doesn’t make it any easier though.
So, to my loved ones and friends, keep me in your prayers for patience and a strong heart. I love you.

The Hill Are Alive, With The Sound Of Music

What is it about music the “soothes the savage heart”? From the lyrics to the changing of chords. Harmonies and notes that soar into the stratosphere. Instrumentals that make tears well up in your eyes to rhythms that get to on your feat and dancing. Hearing the smooth sounds of jazz to the edgy hits of rock. Music really is the universal language. No matter who you are or where you are from there is music everywhere. It has the ability to ignite wars but also bring unity to people.
Ipods are everywhere now. You can’t walk down a street, hop on a subway, go to a gym, and not see them in the ears of their eager listeners. Each one welcoming sounds of their choice in order to help cheer them up, or calm them down, or motivate them, or just express what they are feeling right then and there. Music, is the life blood of most people, even in the smallest of ways. Wind blowing through trees. The sound of a river flowing over rocks, thunder crashing during a storm, or the sound of ocean waves. All of these and more are music. Sweet music that God provided for every single person to enjoy. The Master musician has allowed most people the amazing gift to appreciate these sounds and take something from them. A blessing unique to each person who hears them.
I LOVE MUSIC! I love the way it makes me feel. I love it when a song grabs my heart and takes it for a journey. I love when I connect with lyrics and emote with the singer as they pour their own heart out so that I can experience it. I love it when the lyrics of my own heart match up with a song that I am listening to. I love it when a song lifts me up. I love it when a song allows me to cry and release any fear or stress or worry that I might be carrying. I love that God allowed me the blessing and honor to hear and be able to experience music. Not only just to listen to it, but be able to make it myself!
When I feel low I can always go to a piano somewhere and play what I am feeling. I can make up a song and just go with it. It doesn’t have to flow perfectly because it is my song and for me alone. I can use my voice and belt out my feelings. I can pour my heart out with just a simple melody to someone I love. I have freedom.
Today, I started listening to a new album that I downloaded and it touched my heart. It sparked inside of me and allowed me to relate and release emotions and worries that I was holding. Thank you Lord for Music and the gift that it is to me. I challenge everyone out there to open your ears and listen to the music around you. Listen to the words, open your heart up to a song and allow it to flow through. The Lord works in amazing ways and through unexpected things. Enjoy it.

Community

Community is a very valuable thing that I think I have taken for granted. To be surrounded by people with a shared mindset. Where you encourage one another and challenge one another in truth and love. Being on a ship this has been a bit of a challenge. I have some great friends on the ship. I am so thankful for my friend Erika and the encouragement she has been to me. It has really been a blessing. I still miss having a church family though. Being a part of a small group. Sharing our relationship with the Lord with one another. I miss it. We as humans ,and especially as Christians, are designed for community. We are made for being with other believers and designed to encourage one another. I think before I was on the ship I took for granted the people I had in my life that I could always talk to about anything. Those people who loved me no matter what, but would always encourage me and challenge my thoughts to if nothing else help me understand and realize why I believe what I believe. I miss being able to share my struggles with a brother and him come along side me and say, “the Lord has you in his arms, he is in control, just let go”. I have those friends still that I call and chat with about this. The distance is hard though. They aren’t here with me, so it makes things difficult. Tonight, I had a great talk with my love about this and it was so nice to share my heart on the subject and cry and pray for one another. What a blessing my other half is. I am so thankful for having that as a part of my relationship. Having a foundation in our love for the Lord that brings us closer and allows us to have a stronger foundation in our relationship. On top of this, I have been just feeling kind of low lately. The hard thing about a ship is that you can end up spending most of your time in your cabin doing nothing. For me it is hard because I start to worry and over think things. Then I get in a funk and start feeling the effects of a bit of depression. If I let myself spiral down I end up becoming more and more reclusive and that just leads to more stress and worry and a cycle that is hard to break. So, I am starting to make a list of things I am going to do every day. ( this is something my love does that I am going to try out) In order for me to be more productive and active during my free time, I am going to start adding some hobbies and physical activities to fill my days more. I am going to start learning more about photography and painting. Those are 2 things that are fairly cheep that I enjoy doing. I can paint in my cabin and when I get off at ports I can take pictures and really experiment with different types of pictures and angles. Should be fun! On top of that I am going to talk with my 2 friends from the Miracle and a couple other fellow believers and see if they would be interest in doing a small bible study once a week. I think a combination of all these things and continued quality communication with my love and close friends will really help me lead a more healthy and happy life here on the ship. So, here’s to a new resolution for me life here and now. Thank you to all of those people in my life who are constant encouragements to me and share my joys and my burdens. You are dearly loved and appreciated. To my other half, thank you for being so great and so kind and so good. You uplift my heart with every conversation we have. I Love You.

What a Day for a Daydream

Today was an incredible day! After about 2 months I got to see my love for 6 hours in NYC. I had a “dentist appointment” in the morning which allowed me to get off the ship first. I was allowed off the ship at about 8:20ish and made my way to meet me love. It was so great! After not being there in person for awhile it was one of the most surreal feelings I have had. My internal thought when I first got there was “is this real? What are you doing here?” I was smiling and so overwhelmingly excited that tears were coming to my eyes, but for some reason my brain could not put together for the first few seconds that I was back embracing my other half and it was really happening. Really funny, but really weird feeling.
Anyway, we went to a little diner that we thought would be good and I got French toast which I normally love. When it came out to the table it was glowing orange, and after one bite I decided that radiation was not good for me that early in the morning. It tasted awful and so I snagged a couple pieces of bacon and a bite of hash browns from my loves plate and we were headed out. We walked around the city for a bit and I picked up some things I needed for the ship. Then it was time to go back to the ship for the grand tour I was going to give.
We made it back and were going to the first checkpoint and after all the paperwork and such that we put in and approved the name I needed was not on the list. I called my friend Erika and she worked it all out. THANK YOU SO MUCH FRIEND! So, I took my love around the ship and showed all the fun cool things there is to do here. We had lunch with our friend Pieter who is the doctor on the ship and also had a nice cup of coffee and good conversation. After walking a bit more and seeing more things it was time for us to say goodbye again.
Time can go by so quickly. I relished every minute I had. It was such a highlight to my time here and such a boost to last me through these last couple months of my contract. We walked back off the ship and I went a block and needed to turn around to get back before we set sail again. We said our goodbyes and walked our separate ways. It was like that moment in Meet Joe Black where they look back at each other as they walk away, except I didn’t get hit by a car at the end of the street. J
As much as I hate goodbyes I feel so much stronger having been through this long distance stuff. I hated even the thought of it at first and I still don’t care for it, but the unknown is now known, and I know that we can handle anything. The fear is gone and that makes facing future challenges all the easier. I am proud of my relationship and blessed to be in it. Thank you my love for making me so happy.
We have one more week of the Bahamas and then we are off to New England and Canada. I must say I am super excited about that! Fall, I am ready for you to be here! Bring on the cool air and the changing leaves. That is all I have for now. Sorry, this was a bit of a sappy blog but it is part of my life, and I tend to live on the sappy side of things anyway. It’s what makes me me J Take care out there.

Stormy Seas!

Hurricane Earl now holds a special place in my heart. Most people hate hurricanes and think on them with terror or remorse. Not to in any way diminish from the seriousness of a tropical storm like that, but I have to say it provided a bit of excitement on our ship this past week. Two days at sea with 12 to 18 foot waves that rock the ship in ways I never thought it could. In the middle of the night you hear crashes against the side of the ship that might have sounded similar to what the passengers onboard the Titanic must have heard that fateful night. (I might be taking some liberties here.) Early on Thursday morning I was awoken by a loud banging on my door. I was startled and thought it was just another crash of a wave and quickly realized that a Indian accent was yelling through my door “SE CUR E TI!” I quickly throw on some clothes and grab the door. A very short man quickly yells at me to close my porthole. To which I respond “I beg your pardon.” Then he quickly screams in his wonderful accent that it is a safety hazard to have them open during the storm “A man died on the Perl because of a shattered porthole! Hurry!” So, I quickly oblige him and seal the port hole shut. Thus begins my 2 day imprisonment on the ship. There is something about having a window to the outside world that puts ones mind at ease in some strange way. Since that was taken away from me, I began to get the antsy feeling inside my chest. This is a situation that only trashy food and several movies and tv series can remedy. I embraced this terrible situation and wrapped myself up in my nice comforter and ordered several orders of Chicken fingers with chips and mini pizzas as I devoured almost my entire dvd collection and part of a season of 30 Rock. Don’t worry outside world. I made it through hurricane Earl with the help of carbs and Tina Fey. Thanks friendsJ In all seriousness I am very thankful for our captain and crew who are responsible for getting us through what could have been a bad situation. We made it back to NYC alive and in one piece and they even kept the many tourists onboard happy for the whole cruise despite several changes to their schedules.

Fun/ Fear

Today we had some unexpected change of events. Due to the hurricane that is building and going up the east coast we bypassed Great Stirrup and went straight to Nassau. We have out first overnight of the contract here and our show day has moved from Thursday to Wednesday because the weather on the way back to NYC is going to be pretty rough. Should be an interesting couple of sea days back to the city. As for today though, we had a great day in Nassau. It was my first time off the ship in the Bahamas and I loved it. In a lot of ways it reminded me of some of the towns we went to in Africa. At first I went to the Dunkin Donuts to get some free wifi with my friend Erika. We explored a little on the way. Then after some catching up on communication and a delicious iced coffee I headed back out into the town. I met up with Anika, Lauren, and Nehemiah and headed to the beach for a bit. Had a blast just walking along the beach and taking pictures. Then I decided it was time to go exploring some more on my own. I just started walking and made random turns and found some cool little shops and houses that were really neat. All the colors and interesting signs. Was really fun just searching for nothing in-particular. It was fun for me too because I am usually such a group person. I like to be with someone if I go adventuring and today was one of the first times I went out on my own and didn’t care if sometime was with me. I had fun with myself today and it was much needed I think. On the way back from my exploring it started to downpour. I was soaked by the time I got back to the ship and quickly went up to my cabin and cuddled up with some comfy clothes and a good book. I must say that today has been fun., but I have this antsy feeling right now in my stomach. I am such a worrier and a planner. I like to have some direction that I know I am going, and the Lord has always been so great about providing what I need when I need it. He is always teaching me new ways to be patient and trust him. Today, is one of those days. I feel so unsure of my future. Where am I going? Where will I be when my contract is up? Will everything work out? I watched the movie The Pursuit of Happiness and bawled most of the way through it. Just because it reminded me that even though things might get rough and seem like stability has been ripped from underneath your feet, it is all for a reason and it all a part of God’s plan for our lives. Trust is a lesson right along with patience that seems to be a life lesson for most people. Why fear the future when it isn’t in our control anyway? Why worry, when my entire life I have been provided for? I miss my love on top of it all. I get to meet up in NYC this Saturday and I want more than anything to be there right now. It is also hard to think that after this weekend I will be gone for yet another 2 and a half months and miss birthday and everything. My heart just feels heavy right now and I want nothing more than to just rest. You would think that would be easy considering I am on a cruise ship, but alas, it isn’t. One step at a time. Breath in and out. Trust and Obey.

Rocking

The ship is a’rockin today! This is the first day where I have seen almost everyone on the ship go from one side of the hall to the other just walking straight down the hall. The ship is going back and forth so bad that even the best of sea legs is not walking straight. The funny thing is, that this isn’t even that bad apparently. The sun is shining and it is a beautiful day so I can’t imagine how it is going to be when there is an actual storm. I must say, that I am kind of looking forward to a stormy day on the ship. Especially if I don’t have a show that night.
We had a tech run of the show and my official duties of being the vocal captain of the cast have been handed to me. I had to deal with lazy sound guys who don’t really seem to know what they are doing. We went from hearing too much of ourselves in the monitors to not hearing ourselves at all. I have a feeling it is going to be an ongoing battle to get what we want. I stepped out into the audience several times on stage while the tech run was going on and mics weren’t coming on and levels were getting sloppy. I had to go to the sound booth after and try and be firm but friendly as I read off a whole list of things that needed to be addressed. Oyi! I do enjoy the responsibility though. I love talking about the voice and answering questions about placement and vocal warm ups. It challenges me to keep on learning and makes me even more thankful for Ms. Jesse my voice teacher. She will always be my teacher I think. I never stop learning from that lady. If you read this Ms. J, I miss you and I love you! Thanks for pushing me and teaching me so much!
I am off to grab some lunch and relax while reading a book on the promenade deck before my shows. I will write more later on today.
Show went well. We made friends with the pastry chef and he brought the cast Crème Brule and a chocolate goodness that I quickly devoured. It was a good day. Did nothing really of note other than the shows. Enjoyed the rest and relaxation finally.

Freedom

Well, our tech weeks are finally over and we have sweet freedom. For about 2 weeks that is. Then our director will be coming back on the ship for another week to make some more changes. L I guess we will see how it goes.
Today I got off the ship in New York City and met up with some dear friends, Dennis and Grant. It was so nice to hang out with them for the afternoon. We had a nice brunch and caught up on recent events in each others lives. I love it when you get back together with friends and there is that wonderful reunited feeling. It is one of the best feelings in the world.
After a great afternoon with them I made my way back to the ship a little early so that I could make it to my acupuncture appointment. The Acupuncturist asked some of the performers to be his demonstration models. I agreed to come in and give it a try. I didn’t really know what to expect but I went in with an open mind and excited to see what results I would see. I carry a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders. My friend Tabitha is a massage therapist and last time she massaged me she was shocked at how tense I was. I don’t know why. It isn’t like I stress or worry about things. Hahaha. Anyway, I went into the Doctor and told him what was bothering me and so he placed a couple needles in my hands and on the sides of my legs. You feel this dull pain in the places where the needles are that kind of feels like someone is pressing on a spot where you have a bruise. I laid there with the needles in for about 45 min and then he removed them. At first I was like, that is a crock I don’t feel anything, but then I actually started feeling some results. I am not sure if I am a true believe in it yet, but I would recommend trying it at least once and seeing how it works for you. In my case it was free so I can’t complain too much.
After that I came back to my room for a little nap and then headed up to the aft deck to have dinner. I watched the sun set and the skyline of NYC fade away as we moved south to the Bahamas. Such a beautiful afternoon. I’m not going to lie. Having days like this is spoiling me a bit, I know that this isn’t really normal for most people, so I will take advantage and enjoy this work Vacation while I can.
I actually just finished going to the gym for a little bit. I have not been motivated at all while we have been in rehearsals so now is the time to kick myself into gear and make things happen. I must say that running on a treadmill while the boat is rocking back and forth is quite the challenge. It brings a whole new level to the work out that you don’t really expect. You are not only trying to keep up with the pace of the machine, you are tying to stay balanced as each wave makes you go to one side or the other on the machine. It is really funny to watch people that aren’t use to the boat yet get on one and quickly give up. Probably a safe choice.
To finish my night I am about to cozy up in my bed. I might go and see if I can make some hot chocolate or something and ready my books. Right now I am reading Harry Potter Book 4, my devotional, and a book that a friend wrote that I picked up before I left for the ship. Enough reading material to keep me busy for awhile. I would love to get more into reading. I have enough time on the ship that I have no excuse. I need to read all the books on my list and also come back with a very in shape body. Those are my goals.
I hope everyone is doing well out there in the real world. I miss you guys. I am enjoying my time here on the ship for sure, but I am looking forward to being back on land as well. A quick shout out to my friend Mark. I am so proud of you my friend, and all that is going on in your life right now. Many thoughts and prayers are coming your way.
To my love, I can’t wait to see you very very soon. Even thought it is only going to be for a short time, I will cherish every second of it with you. I love you very much!

Moonlit Nights and Crashing Waves

The ocean has a way of reminding you how small you are, how little you are compared to the world. It has a way of reminding you that you are not in control and that even if you tried to be you are too small to really do anything about it. It has a way of reminding you that you are desperately dependant on God to provide, sustain, love, guide, and the list goes on an on.
Last night I was sitting in my cabin on the ship and looked out my window to see a full moon reflecting off the water. I sat there for a moment and then turned off all the lights in my room and just let the moonlight shine through the tiny porthole. Having the soft fingers of moonlight reach in and touch my room illuminating it just enough to see. I put on my shoes and headed for the door. Up to the top deck, I decided to take a walk.
Standing there by myself watching the water move past, the seemingly endless water, crashing and swelling as the ship moves. The ocean breeze hitting my face, caressing it like a sweet lover. I am humbled. I keep walking to the other side of the ship and look out to see a huge thunderhead in the distance being brilliantly lit up with lightening. Far enough away that I don’t hear or feel the effects, but close enough to enjoy the majesty and beauty of it. I am amazed.
Is that what life is like for us? Boundless ocean, as you move across you encounter various things. You go from smooth water to rough waves. You see in the distance that trouble is coming, but the ocean still moves in that direction, because that is where you are suppose to be. You are dashed against jagged rocks and then massaged on sandy beaches. You are transformed by wind that lifts you up in a hurricane, and then calmed by the steady current that takes you to the next destination.
Sometimes I forget that life is not in my control and that I am not in charge. Nights like last night put everything else in perspective. I am not my own.

Thankful

Well the second week on the ship has almost passed, and we almost have both of our shows open. Tomorrow night, the 26th, is the opening night of Le Cirque. I am thankful that my voice gets a little bit of a break in this show especially after Band on the Run and singing out of my range. It is a nice rest for these chords.
After this week is finished we will begin a normal schedule and also be able to get off of the ship at the various ports that we stop at, which I am thrilled about. I have never been to the Bahamas so it will be cool to explore a bit and get on those beaches. I could use the tan that is for sure. I also will be getting back into the gym. My love and I were doing so well about going for a bit and then ever since then I have had a rough time with motivation. Especially now without my workout partner by my side. Yea for self motivation though!
This week has also been a time to kind of settle into my cabin a bit and organize my life. I hung up pictures of loved ones by my desk to remind me how loved I am. Crazy, but sometimes I forget all the amazing people I have in my life who love me to death! Thanks for that! I also stalked up on goodies in my fridge so that I will won’t have to always go into passenger areas when I want a little snack. Starting to feel like home a little more, which helps with loneliness.
As far as my heart goes right now, I am doing well. I just get lonely sometimes, and miss my other half. I was also saddened a bit knowing that it was my grandparents 50th anniversary and all of my family was getting together in Branson, and I wouldn’t be there. My amazing Aunt Lani was going to be there along with John, Mary, Devin Steffani, Logan, and Guinevere who are a part of my family I don’t get to see nearly as much as I would like to. We would go and stay with John and Mary during the summer sometimes in Vermont and it was some of the best times of my life. They were the first people to take me to NYC and also took me to my first Broadway show, Phantom of the Opera. Devin and Steffani took my brother and I to Boston for a few days one of the times we went to visit. Such a fun time. That part of the family has just been a huge part of opening my eyes to new things that I never got to experience at the time. New tastes and sounds. New places and ways of thinking. For that I am truly grateful for them!
I am glad that they all had a great time though and I know there will be other occasions in the future that I hope I can be a part of.
Right now, I just feel the urge to send a few shout outs to loved ones that I don’t get to talk with that much.
Lacy Shelton- He bestie, I miss you. I am so thankful for you and the amazing friendship we have had for so so so long. You are my forever friend and who have been there for me though everything that has come in my life. I love you!
Tabitha, Jerry, and Jovia- From massages to just welcoming me into your home I am so grateful for you. Your family that you are building is a joy to watch, even though it is from afar in my case. I am blessed to have you in my life. Thanks for all the encouragement!
Shealee- I LOVE YOU! You are always have a way of understanding my emo ways and I appreciate that so much! You are such a great friend to me!!!!!!! Thanks for sticking it all out and hanging with me through a lot of tuff stuff.
Angela- Sister! I am still ticked off that I missed your wedding and I have to watch it when I come home next. Such a Godly woman who I admire so much. Thanks for loving me and treating my like your little bro. You mean the world to me.
Danielle- Oh friend! I miss ya! You are such an incredible friend and have taught me so much. Whenever I need a bit of logic in my life with an emotion edge to it I know I can always talk to you. You are always there to calm me down and remind me that I have a lot going for me.
Brianne- Deserts are missing the rain friend! I love being able to cry with you and share any crazy illogical emotion and you just be there for me and cry with me. You are a great friend I love laughing with you and cuddling with Shadow our favorite cat.
Cody- Buddy, I don’t tell you near enough how much a appreciate you. You are sarcastic which sometimes is just what I need to remind me not to take my self so seriously. You are a great brother and I know that if I ever needed anything you would be there in a heartbeat.
Nikki- I have said it before and I will say it again and again, you are such a blessing to my heart. To have someone that understands where I am now and has been through a lot of the same things is so refreshing. You put things in perspective so well because you were once in the same spot and know just how to talk to me. God has truly placed you in my life for a reason and I am forever grateful for it.
Erika/Chris- From being my roommate/big brother(chris) to being my ship buddy (Erika). The two of you have been a big part of me life. Thanks fot letting me vent and talk things out. Thanks for allowing me to spend Christmas with you guys and allowing me to be a part of your family. It means the world to me. I am also very excited to be the ring bearer in your wedding J
Patrick- My Best Friend! We have been though it all!!!!! I look back and I think, how have we made it this far, and I know that God’s hand is on it. You are an amazing man of God who I respect and admire and I truly love you! Thanks for being patient and growing with me. You are my family.

There are so many more people in my life who have impacted me and I love. So, please know that you are important to me and that because of you, I am the man I am today.

This has been a bit of a random blog, but I was just thinking about how thankful I am for those amazing people in my life. For those who have been though the ups and downs and are still there by my side. Who, no matter what decisions are made, speak truth in love into my life. I am humbled when I think of how luckily and blessed I really am. Thank you Lord for truly surrounding me with your love.