Desires, Beliefs, Fears, and the Fight

So I just got done reading a chapter in a book  by Dennis Jernigan and it kind of struck a chord of truth that seems to be repeated to me lately.  Perhaps I should heed this lesson and apply it to my life?  So, true to form I process though it on this little blog of mine.  

    I recently have been challenged with the fact that I desire to have a family of my own.  I am constantly surrounded by married couples and many of them are having kids now.  I know men don't have an internal clock like women do for having kids, but I just have the overwhelming desire at times to have that family.  The wife and kids.  For me it seems like an unreachable goal that I may never achieve.  This leads to what the Lord has been speaking to me lately.  

    I have spent most of my life believing something about myself that is not true.  Allowing myself to sit on the door step of failure and pretend that I am not deserving or capable of achieving the deep desires of my heart in the way I want them to be achieved.  Believing these lies I allowed a pseudo fulfillment of those desires to come in which further pulled me into that false life I thought was truth.  Below the level of my behavior was the level of my emotions, but still more basic was the level of my thinking.  My sense of what was true was flawed.  In my mind I believed that I was an unworthy person who deserved to be rejected.  So I interpreted other people's behavior as a rejection....and therefor felt rejected by the people who I felt I needed affirmation from....and therefore made choices based on that rejection.  Not sure if that made sense.  I guess I  realized a portion then, and am begining to more now, that  healing could only begin in my life when I accepted the real truth.  God Loves me no matter what.  I have been rejected  but never by Him.  My identity and my value are all based on Him.  Until I embrace the savior who breaths truth in my life that I desperatly need....I will never be healed and free.  

   I try and control my life so much and micromanage every detail so I know the outcome.  I can't handle the thought of failing or not being put together at least in some shape or form.  I am the ruler of my life and the ruler of my choices!  So, I am at a point now where I have a choice and I am sure I will have to make this choice over and over.  Will I get off the throne and allow God to change me.....or will I stay there and continue what I am attempting to destroy.  Each time I take the throne back I am essentially saying  that I have a better plan, which at this point I think is clear I don't.  I also have to believe that if I let go of control that God's word is true. I can't be controlled by my emotions in seeing truth, I can't  let my past contaminate the truth, I can't listening to any other voice but the voice of my heavenly father. I think it is only then that true healing and freedom can happen on that deep level.  

   So there in lies the challenge. Continually pouring truth into my mind and my actions.  Allowing the Lord to speak truth into my heart and receiving it.  I have been living in a state of stagnant belief that lacked passion and drive.  The Lord knows my desire to have a family and I truly believe he will give that to me one day, but until then, I have the responsibility to actively gain God's perspective on who I am.  I have the responsibility to seek out relationships that are pleasing to him.  I have the responsibility to let go of the fear that I might fail at this new life and allow Him to take control of every aspect of it. Thats easy right?  haha.  

   So, now I prayerfully begin this next step in my journey.   This next layer of healing full of challenges and triumphs.  This next adventure full of discovery.  Please pray with me dear friends as I begin to face yet another set of giants in my life, pray for the stones that I can wield in order to slay the Goliaths of fear and insecurity that I have been hiding from.  

   And a special note to my Dad who will be reading this once it is posted on here.  Thanks for allowing the Lord to speak through you even when it makes you uncomfortable.  Thanks for showing Justin and I both what it looks like to be transformed by Jesus.  We as a family have our differences and out own very strong emotions and opinions, but truth is truth and I thank you for speaking it into my life this week. 

Random Thoughts Of An Insomniac

Well, It is 1:00 in the morning and insomnia has struck again!  So, I decided to write a blog since it has been a little bit.  Don't expect anything profound out of me at this hour.  I am actually hoping that writing this will help lull me to sleep.  

    I just found out in the past 2 weeks that I have been officially cast for another season at Sight and Sound here in Branson.  In the performing world to have steady work like this is kind of an anomaly and I have been blessed to never be without work for an extended period.  I have friends in New York pounding pavement every day auditioning and have yet to work in this field.  I have to remind myself of that when things get stagnant though.  When doing the same show starts to get under my skin and being around the same people starts to wear on me.  I am blessed with WORK!  Doing what I LOVE and getting paid for it!  

    My issue right now is trying not to be pulled into the discontentment that can overtake a performer. That insatiable desire to have a bigger roll, a better paying gig, to travel the world.  None of these things are bad, but when you lose the ability to be content where you are, no matter where that is, it can be distressing.  

    I miss traveling so much it hurts sometimes.  I miss being able to explore and experience new things.  I miss meeting new people and hearing their stories.  I miss the excitement of it all.  The ironic thing about it though, is that I felt so overwhelmed when I did have all of that.  I felt like I was never stable and always worried about what would be next.  For the first time in my performing career, I don't feel that.  I feel stable and secure.  I get paid well.  I get challenged in different ways all the time.  I am constantly learning.  I am surrounded by friends and family who TRULY love me.  

     So, what does all this mean for me?  I don't really know.  The truth I know is this.  I am here for a reason.  I know that because no matter how discontent I might get at moments, I have a peace about being right here....right now.  I have support that I have never had before....ever.  I have intimate friendships that encourage and challenge.  So, my responsibility in this is to take advantage of the time and opportunity I have here.  To cherish it and not take it for granted.  

   Looking back at the choices I have made.  At the relationships I have been in, and the jobs I have done.  The overarching themes is that I took them for granted and missed the point.  Weather it be because of jealousy of insecurity.  Weather it be because of discontentment or guilt. I have.  So now, standing till in the gypsy life that I have chosen, I have the opportunity to see these things through sober eyes and learn from them.  To grow and become the Man God truly wants me to be, and That is worth everything.