Hey there, bloggers. It's been a long time! So, I am not sure who all follows this blog anymore. I haven’t posted in a very long time, and this post I am about to write is long overdue.
I started this blog as I was about to head out on a cruise ship. If you scroll back to the beginning you will get to see a journey of a man who has wrestled with the Lord on a variety of issues, but the biggest one has been my sexuality. I have fought a long hard fight to maintain that I am not gay. To fight who I have been told for a long time that I cannot be. It has been an exhausting journey that has grown me in ways I never imagined but also left wounds that are deeper than I can even express fully here in this blog. Maybe one day I will dive into all of that a little more.
The sad thing is that my story isn’t a new one. It isn’t a unique story except for the cast of characters that played the roles. I was raised in the Church, in a Christian home. I had two parents that loved me and desired for me to share the same beliefs as they have. I did Church choir and youth group. I participated in every single event I could. I loved Jesus and I loved the community of people I had around me. They were my best friends. Some of them still are.
Then, as I started to navigate my sexuality, things started to change. The fear and shame attached to even thinking about being gay was heaped on me. The fear of eternal hell and separation from the Lord. The fear of losing everything and everyone I loved. The fear of not being enough. All of these were a constant reminder that I couldn’t be what I felt deeply inside that I was. I was trapped. "Damned if I do, damned if I don’t," situation. It was horrible. I was taught through this shame to hate myself. To feel insecure and weak because if I were to strongly proclaim myself, I would be slammed by those who would adamantly disagree.
So, like so many, I tried to fake it till I made it. I dated some truly amazing women. Women who taught me so much about love, caring for someone, family, and working hard in relationships. The sad thing is, I was letting them down. I was letting myself down. In the attempt to make myself what others wanted me to be, I was destroying not only myself, but these amazing women. The hearts that were broken on my journey of finding and embracing my true self were far too many. To those who might be reading this now, I am SO sorry. I pray for your forgiveness and that your hearts have been or will be continually restored.
I don’t think well intending Christian folks understand what they are doing when they openly and aggressively condemn those of us who are navigating the reconciling of our faith and sexuality. This fear and shame only leads to hiding. Leads to a culture that is steeped in secrets. In the shadows is where I believe Satan wants us to stay. In the culture of hookups and casual sex that slowly eats away at you. Where you can’t fully be in a relationship for fear of someone finding out. Someone hurting you. Someone reminding you that you are less than them and going to hell. That you are an abomination. This shadowland, isn’t intended for anyone, it isn’t what God intended. Yet, for the sake of sharing the Truth they believe, that is where people put us. Leaving us to figure out a way to claw and climb back into the light.
So, as I look back over the blog entries here, I see that struggle. The ups and downs. The insecurities and the trials. We all have them, but the gloss over mine is the desire to please my family. My friends. To make them proud of me. The thing of it is…..conditional love…..it isn’t love at all. If we are all striving to be like Christ, then why do we hold on so tightly to the conditions for us to be able to love and accept people? If I would have had a supportive community that first moment I was caught looking at something on my family's computer that was "gay,"…what would have happened? I know--trust. Safety. The ability to walk this all out in the light and express the fear and sadness as it happened. I would have been able to avoid the hurt of hookup-culture and the pain of breaking the hearts of women who only wanted to love and be loved back. I could have had a family that-regardless if they agreed or disagreed with the choice-could have accepted and loved both me and the person I am with….because we all would have navigated this road together.
I am in love with an amazing man. I am committed to him and dedicated to him more than I have ever experienced in my life. We have had challenge after challenge presented to us and I still hold fast to two things. I have a God that loves me fully, and unconditionally. I have a God who accepts me as his child and wants the best for me, which is to walk closely to him…unashamed of who I am. Seeking to be better and to grow. I also know that I love the man I am with, and I want to spend my life with him.
No matter what the reactions are to this blog, I think it was high time I started talking in the light about things I have been wrestling with in the dark. It's time I am allowed the same fresh air to breath while I journey with the relationship I am in. It is time for me to be free, be brave, and be loved.
