So I started to try and run again. I use to love to run. I would go all the time and practice lines for upcoming plays ( I was told it helped with breath support when saying lines.) or use that time as a prayer time. It was an easy way to focus my brain from all the junk that was going on in other areas. So I decided that I needed to get back into the swing of it.
My body is so achy and hurting right now because of the current show I am doing though. All the dancing with a combination of concrete floor and poor foot ware is killing me softly. I took the first few strides and I could pin point every single ache that was going to give me fit’s the entirety of my run. Part of me just wanted to stop right there and call it good. Why would I put myself through this if I am not going to be able to function after.
For me right now that is not only the thought for my physical running but my spiritual running as well. The race that I have been running for the past few years has been a struggle for obedience. The calling for me to let go of control and run. To not focus on the momentary pain of the previous wounds in my life but to focus on the ultimate healing it will bring to those areas. Just like running physically I am going to get better at it. I might have to put on some more supportive shoes and I have to make sure I am stretched and ready to go, but it is going to overall benefit my life and my heart. My spiritual heart needs this same healing.
I had a conversation with my Dad on Monday about struggles and how it is so hard to handle hardship when you feel like you have done all the right things. How do you keep going and how do you remain obedient when you feel like there is no pay off. You fight and you push through and you fight some more the various challenges that life throws and for what?
That is the moment when it goes back to these verses that my mentor shared with me today. ‘That I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead’ Philippians 3:10-11
And “ Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the price of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14
These and many more are reminders of truth. Reminders that this race is hard that we are running as Christians and we are going to feel the aches in our ankles and our knees. We are going to feel our back tighten up at the worst time and we are going to be thinking that we did everything right before this section of the race started, and wonder why we are hurting. Then we cross the finish line for that section, and we catch our breath look back at the distance we have covered. There might not be a medal yet, but if we keep running there will be. If we keep moving forward and push through the inevitable pain of the race, there is relief in sight, there is hope in each section of the race, each hill we climb and each valley we sprint into. The pay off isn’t immediate. Just because you get through one section doesn’t mean you can stop and still expect the Gold medal.
I don’t know why I continue to struggle with things in my personal life. I don’t know why I have days where I feel so lonely I could burst into tears at any moment. I don’t know why my family is facing one of the toughest trials that we have gone through together with my precious niece Reese. I don’t know why this is all happening at once. I do know this, it is just one section of the race. I might feel the pain and the heartache and the loneliness right now, but that doesn’t mean that I will once I finish this section. So, I can’t stop, I cant throw in the towel. We can’t stop. We have a higher calling that is perfect and a savior who is running with us cheering us on and helping us carry each burden. Who’s there to help us navigate through the curves and the hills. Who shows us the pace and lets us follow him to the finish line.
Jesus loves me, and this race is worth running just to see his face at the end and run into his arms.
This could be a potentially jaded post so be ready to show some grace. The past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about my Christian walk. I have been thinking about how many people say so many things and never follow through with them. About how so many of us Christians throw out these buzz words in order to make ourselves feel better about who we are and where we are in our walk with the Lord. We mask up out hurts our fears and our frustrations with “God is good! All the Time! God is Good!” and the “Im fine, God is so faithful!” I am not saying that those words aren’t true. I 100% believe that God is so faithful and good, but my issue is that it prevents honesty. It prevents realness and it prevents community.
In my life right now I have been facing challenges and frustrations that make it to where I want to just run away and become a hermit. I don’t want to talk to people I don’t want to build relationships because all they end up doing is hurting you, using you, or leaving…or some nice combination of the three. I obviously know that this is not true and I am viewing them through the lens of my own recent wounds. All that being said, I feel like all I hear from the people around is the cliché sayings “God is so Good!” and “He is preparing you for something great!” or “you’ve been on my heart..im praying for you”
I know they are coming from a good place most of them. I know that their hearts want to encourage and be there but I honestly don’t want to hear that. I don’t want to hear a cliché response in order for you not to fully invest into encouraging. Why have we as Christians gotten so far away from carrying each others burdens and walking with one another? Why have we decided it is easier to say we will pray for someone but don’t actually stop and pray with them right there?…and even further……follow up and ask how they are doing later? Its lazy relationships. Its surface caring with nothing behind it. We are too busy and to wrapped up in our own junk that we deem others less important then ourselves.
Look at the life of Jesus and the way he loved and cared for people. He invested. He walked with and fought for and prayed with. He encouraged and helped people understand rather then just throwing out some self help phrase and moving on. I am so guilty of this myself , and I think now that I am in a season where I could use that relationship and encouragement I am realizing how frustrating it is not to receive it. Imagine how non Christians feel if they receive the same care and Love we show to one another? Why would they want to know a Jesus that lives in our hearts if we aren’t sharing and opening up our hearts? If we aren’t showing kindess and following through and walking with them.
So I guess the point of this rant blog is to challenge us. If you make a choice to invest in someone….follow through. If you take the time to say a cliché phrase of “You’ve been on my heart..” then prove it and follow through. Show care. Be intentional. Be there for the person that the Lord has laid on your heart. If that means setting time aside to get coffee do it. If that means doing that once a week for awhile, do it. If that means spending a couple bucks and getting a card or buying a meal, do it. We are called to love one another, and if we are not constantly trying to grow and become better at caring, then we are doing a disservice to both the people we interact with and to ourselves.
So, today at Church something really meaningful happened. We took communion. It always amazes me how much this simple act and ceremony brings me to tears. Just that reminder that my sin has been forgiven. My life has been bought and paid for. I am no longer bound to this old life, I am a free new creation and child of the King.
This off season has been anything but rejuvenating for me. It has been probably the hardest off season I have had since I have been back here in Missouri. I started out with a plan to make it like last year where I removed everything from my life and focus on reading and getting closer to the Lord. I was going to give up face book and twitter and instagram and any other social media that had so quickly taken over all of our lives. I was going to stop my internet for the month and kind just go off the grid. Spend time with friends and relax. I guess the Lord had other plans.
This off season was ushered in by a series of hard situations that left me feeling broken and beaten to start. Then it seemed like more people than normal were leaving town this year which left me with limited possibilities for hang out time and community. I had deleted everything and was ready to go, and then was overwhelmed with loneliness. I tried to ride it out for a bit but decided to download everything again and add a few more social media apps to fill the void I was feeling even further. I became consumed so quickly it surprised me.
I spent the entire off season last year alone and relished in it, and now I was scratching at the walls of this prison I had made for myself in my apartment. What changed? What caused me to dive so deeply into the well of my lonely heart. I think it was fear. Fear that I would always be alone. Fear that I am going to get left behind. Fear that I am not talented enough. Fear about this upcoming season and all the challenges that are coming with it. I was terrified of going back to an old life that I so desperately want to never ever even look back on.
The strange thing about fear is that it turns you down the road you didn’t want to go down in the first place. So, I went. I failed and struggled and ran and struggled some more. All the while knowing that all I had to do was focus back on Jesus. Focus back on this amazing father and friend who has seen me through every curve in the road. In my mind I justified every action every thought. I had grown weary of being obedient and deserved a break.
Then I went and visited my amazing friends Jordon and Leah. Jordon is an amazing brother and truly gifted with encouragement. I spent the weekend hanging out and relaxing. Playing games and enjoying my friends. Then Sunday came and truth be told the last thing I wanted to do was go to church. We went and the pastor was talking about obedience! Haha. Talk about a sermon directed totally at me. It talked about bearing fruit and building a firm foundation in Christ. It talked about continuing to be obedient in the midst of struggle and valleys. As I listened through gritted teeth I thought through my life the past 3 years and how much fruit has come from this battle for obedience. This reckless seeking to do the will of God. I have been blessed over and over and over again. Yes I have failed along the way and struggled a lot, but the consistent thing that I kept seeing as I thought through my life was blessing. Was Gods provision for everything! When I am obedient to him he always gives me the best!
We took communion and Jordon prayed and I left feeling a spark back in my heart. Then a week goes by and I shuffle my feet trying to wake up from the fog I have been living in this off season and today is Sunday. I go to church and it literally is like streams of living water for my soul. How I missed just sitting with other believers and worshiping together. Singing songs and praising this amazing father who loves us all. Here is the thing that made me laugh this morning. Not because it was funny, but because God knows me soooo well. We took communion.
If you have read my blogs in the past you know how meaningful communion is for me. When I was living a totally different life in my past I was told by a dear mentor that I shouldn’t take communion because I was living in unrepentant sin. So I stopped and was so hurt every time it was taken. It was miserable because it reminded me that I was running away from my savior and that I was choosing my sin over him. Later after the Lord brought me back I took communion for the first time and cried because it was like a sweet reunion with my precious savior, the love of my life Jesus.
So today, I held the little cracker and cup in my hands and cried yet again. I think we can get so wrapped up in our past that we refuse to move on. We build up our protective walls for fear that something will get through and rob us of our freedom from whatever it might be. Today as the Lord loved on me and reminded me of the blessing of obedience, I was also reminded that I have nothing to be afraid of. That he paid the price for my sin and my shackles are gone. I just have to continue to walk, run, leap, dance, rest in this amazing freedom he has given me. Jesus paid it all! All to him I owe.
So, my precious love, thank you for dying to set me free. Thank you for picking my up over and over when I fall and loving me through it all. Thanks for having a perfect plan and letting me see glimpses of it once in awhile. Thanks for loving on me so well. I adore you Jesus.
