End of the Year Thoughts

     

I have started writing this several times now and I am not really sure what I am wanting to say here.  There wasn't anything that was totally life changing that happened to me this year.  I guess that is a good thing maybe.  A year of peace can be nice, but it wasn't necessarily smooth sailing.  I think that is the beauty of the journey though.  We are constantly growing and being challenged in little and big ways transform us into the people we are suppose to be.  The people God is shaping and growing us into. 

      

     This year was the year of ailments for me.  I have never in my life felt so broken physically.  From breaking my foot.  To achy ankles and feet and back.  To feeling like I was losing my voice.  All these things I use for my lively hood and to have them feel not secure was shaking me.  Challenging where I have placed my significance.  It was humbling and growing.  I know I just turned thirty this year but it was a sobering fact to think that I am getting older.  

     

    This year was also filled with people coming in and out of my life.  From dear friends moving away to maintaining the relationships with friends miles away back home in Missouri.  From setting up boundaries to walking away from relationships that needed to be walked away from to continue me on the journey I have been placed.  I value relationships more the most anything so this was probably the most challenging bit of 2016 for me.  To continue to build community in the new place I am living.  To put myself out there and be vulnerable in order to build authentic friendships.  To realize that some people are just out to use and discard what you bring, and others are there to walk along side and journey with and sharpen.  I have been blessed with some amazing friendships and also blessed with some amazing growing opportunities in learning how to be a better friend and how to not allow relationships that aren't healthy to stay.  

    

      This year I have have had the blessing of getting to spend some quality time with family visiting up in Pennsylvania.  I have been blessed to see my family through fresh eyes and the Lord has been faithful to restore and grow parts of those relationships that needed some help.  I feel like there is more understanding and more grace.  I am so thankful for the growth that I have seen in my Dad and I’s relationship.  Not that things were horrible but I think we are similar creatures and emotions can get lost in the mix.  Im blessed to be able to talk and share and journey with my Dad more than ever now.  

     

      I think overall those are the highlights for me this year.  I think the beauty of what the Lord does in our lives is that it most times is the subtle undercurrent the directs the flow of our lives and if we are sensitive to it, and not fight the direction it is prompting, we will see blessing and growth that is waiting.  I have fought that current at many points this year, no surprise from this stubborn man, but I am thankful the Lord brought me through this year and grew me for the better.  I am blessed with so so much and thankful for the Lords provision in literally every part of my life.  Cheers my friends to the end of this year.  I pray Gods blessing over the final hours of 2016 and pray that next year is filled with Joy, Peace, Growth, Learning, and Freedom!  You are all so Loved!  Rest in that!

Bitter Roots

     It is the Holiday season and things are in full swing right now. The buying of gifts and the hustling from Christmas Party to Christmas Party.  Laughter and merriment are being dished out like a grandpa giving out Werthers originals.  (I am craving one of those right now….hence the reference.)

     

       In the midst of all that, we are wrapping up another season of the show that I am currently in.  My body is tired, my spirit is tired.  I feel beaten up especially this season for some reason.  I have never been more ready for a few weeks off coming in January.  

     

       I think the reason I am so worn down is growing pains.  This year has brought a lot of stuff to the surface in my life.  Good, bad, and very Ugly.  So many areas of growth and change.  So many relationships that brought about great joy and also mountains of heart ache.  I think I made a choice at some point this season to allow some of the bitter seeds to take root, and as a result there is a vine of anger that has grown and wraps itself around the joy that is still in great supply in my life.  Blinding me from actually seeing what amazing blessings the Lord has given me this year.  

     

     I think the lesson I am learning now as I am trying to tear down this vine that has over grown, is that although it may seem just like one little seed of bitter or jadedness, that seed grows quickly and quietly.  I didn’t keep it in check.  I didn’t pull the weed out when I noticed it getting a little bit bigger I just let it go.  Brushing it aside thinking that I would deal with it later.  Well later is finally here and I have a lot more work to do. 

     

      I think when we gain freedom in our lives it is scary.  I think to be let out of chains or out into a world that is free of the struggles that we once had we don’t know quite how to function.  Its like learning to walk again.  Fear sets in and rather than just taking the first two steps and not being afraid of falling a couple times as you learn to walk, we create new chains.  Thats what I have done. 

   

      Restoration is a word that has been used so much in my life.  Just thrown around in hope filled conversations about how things will be.  Never fully believing it will happen, but it would make me feel better for a bit….and then I would just repeat my encouragement mantras and keep trucking along.  I feel like this season I have experienced some real restoration though.  It is such a gift and it is scary and vulnerable and shaky but it is real and it is precious.  

    

      So now, in this season that is filled with the reminders of Gods grace in sending his Son Jesus for us, I am reminded that I am blessed.  That I am forgiven.  That I am redeemed.  That I am chosen.  That I am free!  We all are.  Today, I am pulling down one of the bitter vines that has over grown.  I am looking at the gift of restoration the Lord has given my heart and tossing this first section of withered dead vines to the fire.  There is a process left to do.  Some of the roots have gone deeper than I thought, but the work has begun and with God grace it will continue to be.  

   

     So as this Christmas quickly approaches, I want to say thank you to a savior who loves me.  To a family who has been through so much but the Lord has held together by his amazing Grace.  To friends who have become dear family to me and have constantly redirected my back to Christ.  I am blessed!  This bag of bitter seeds that I still carry with me I am emptying out this morning into the trash and grabbing a spoon full of sugar cookie dough from the fridge because….why not!  Merry Christmas y’all.  Love you guys!