Three Years

   The adventure continues!  I am currently sitting here in my parents house looking at their beautiful Christmas tree.  There is such a peace being home.  Such a peace as I settle back into living life here in Missouri.  If you don’t already know I transferred back to Missouri with work.  In addition to just moving back I have bought my first home.  Its crazy.  So many life changes all at once.  In the midst of crazy trying to get things done, I feel such a peace about it.  I feel such a gratefulness for the Lords provision in my life.  I feel humbled.  

   As I’m sitting here reflecting on my past year, and not only this year but my past three years in Pennsylvania, I just see so clearly now the Lords hand.  In the midst of it all it seemed like at points I was on my own.  I was trying to make decision after decision and seemed to always make the wrong one.  I think I hit some of my lowest of lows the past 3 years but also I think I had some of the deepest most lasting healing and restoration in my heart.  God is good. 

   I moved to Pennsylvania and for some reason just didn’t feel like I was connecting well.  My southern Charm wasn’t working for some reason on the East cost.  haha  I was trying to find a place to live and finally did thanks to my dear friends and Landlords on the 300 block of North Mary Street.  This home was a safe place for me and a sanctuary I will continue to look back on fondly.  I mean…I lived about a Ice Cream cafe….whats not to love.  

    In the first year I also was driving home jamming out to show tunes per usual.  I think I was actually sining “What do I need with love?” from Thoroughly Modern Millie and all of a sudden my back passenger window got shot out.  Talk about rolling our the welcome wagon.  That first year I felt raw.  I missed my family and felt extreme guilt for leaving but at the same time knew that this is where I was suppose to be.  I knew that in the midst of a lot of hard things happening I was where the Lord was going to do something.  So I trucked along.  A theme from the first year came from a line in Moses from Jethro the priest… You don’t know who you are…  Honestly that whole scene impacted me.  It was true though..I was vacillating from one version of Curtis to another version.  I wasn’t settled in my own self and it was killing me softly.  It was time for a change.

  Year two was Samson, and I think it is safe to say that that show was a journey for all of us.  No matter what anyone says….I still love the show.  I think a big reason why is because I experienced grace in deeper ways.  I always find it interesting that the lessons I learn tend to coincide with the shows Im doing.  For Samson it was watching him make choice after choice that was contrary to his calling.  I can relate……big time.  So every day I would sit on the temple set piece and listen to Samson sing “What is this grace”.  I would sit there and tear up almost every time because I have been forgiven.  I have been redeemed.  In the midst of this I was experiencing community both at the theater and outside that I was so desperately craving.  It wasn’t surface…it was deep and real and authentic.  It was a gift.  It was grace.  

   Year three was one of my favorite shows Jonah!!!  I loved the show but This past year devastated me. It flattened me out in every way possible I think.  I lost my niece.  I was desperate to be home with my family during that time.  I made some bad decisions that left scars and hurt that I never intended but because of my selfishness I made them.  I have never cried so much.  Anyone who has experienced grief knows that this undercurrent of sadness is a rushing river that could easily sweep you away.  At this bottom point I looked at my life and I looked at the cycle of sin I had been living and I just felt depraved in a more real way.  I needed to change and move and depend on the Father for everything or I would never have a life or a story worth telling.  I would never feel the true depths of His love for me and the richness of the Blessing of relationship with Him.  I had to let go.  I had to fully rest in a heavenly father i could not see and was honesty angry with because he had allowed so much hurt and so much hardship on not only my life but my entire family.  This gentle father picked me up though and loved with me with a strength and depth that I cannot accurately describe.  

   I recently watched a documentary called “The Heart of Man”  Which I Highly Recommend.  In the film it talks about the prodigal son and portrays it as this father crafting a beautiful violin and then teaching his son how to play it.  They enjoy making music together and that fellowship and then the son finds a new love in the sin he is being enticed by.  He drops the violin and it shatters. Fast forward to the son returning and the the Father has been making a new violin for him even before he got home. He hands it to the son and they begin to play again.  I feel like that is what happened to me after Reese passed away.  It was a wake up call that I needed to get right.  Life is a precious gift and should never NEVER be taken for granted.  I have a purpose on this earth that cannot be fulfilled if I waste my life being selfish and running away.  So I looked to my Father and he gave me this new Violin.  The strings are the same, but the Song is much different.  Its sweeter and sadder and richer.  I have a song and a testimony.  

    In the midst of this redemption year the Lord placed an amazing beautiful loving woman in my life to journey with.  She is a gift.  I can’t express how much she has been used by the Lord in the journey I have been on this year and I am so happy and excited to continue this journey with here for however long the Lord allows.  

   Three years….. Im so thankful for it.  For those who have been a part of my journey I thank you.  For all the ups and downs and in-betweens.  I would not be where I am or who I am today if it hadn’t have been for my time with you all.  Thank you and Thank you Lord for your provision and for your grace and for Life!  

Talk Talk Talk

I have recently been convicted by the old saying “Actions speak louder than words.”  I think in our world of technology and social media we get an out of jail free card when it comes to backing up what we say.  We think we can write a sappy post about someone or send a sweet text and that is enough.  I am all for words of affirmation.  I think it means so much when there is a heart felt word of encouragement given.  I think the older I get though, the more I see a flaw.  Talk is cheap if you don’t back it up.  

   Being a good Baptist boy, I was raised with people saying  “ill pray for you!”.  I didn’t doubt people when they would say that, until I started saying it…and realized that …..I wasn’t actually praying for them at all. I was just saying something to make me feel good and validated, and I never backed it up.  Makes them feel good and makes me look good, move on.  That is some faulty and manipulative logic.  I started being very intentional about saying the phrase.  It became awkward.  I either wouldn’t say anything at all or I would go to the opposite extreme and pray for them right then and there.  I didn’t not want to fit into a stereotype.  Then I felt the lens broaden.  What else am I not backing up?

    I looked to facebook and noticed the countless messages about my undying love and friendship for people.  The gush fest was a mile long.  I was looking at the kindness and thinking….am I backing this up?  Am I intentional in these peoples lives? Am I truly caring for them by writing this?  What is my motivation?  Is this just to help me not feel insecure and alone?  This kind of thinking can send my introverted brain into a tailspin.  For those of you who are reading this, I don’t want you to think that I didn’t mean things that I have said.  I am just saying I was awakened to the reality that I needed to be willing to backup with actions and intentionality what I was saying so freely.  

    Then I collided with someone who is the kindest person I know, and is able to back up every single gush fest!  haha!  At first I didn’t know how to navigate this but it honestly inspired me.  I would watch as she would share her heart so openly and beautifully and be so intentional with literally everyone in her life.  Boundary issues…yes….but a heart that reflected Christ in a way that I wanted to as well.  Its pretty great that I happen to be dating this girl.    

  So, here I am now writing about all that I have been learning and want to express to you all and to affirm in myself……it is possible to do this.  I watch it every day in my girlfriend….don't know how she does it…wait….I do…..Jesus.  We all have the ability to back up what we say.  We all have the ability to follow through with commitments and journey well with friends and family. It is scary and messy and awkward but thats the beauty of the journey I think.  We are constantly learning.  How beautiful would our relationships be if each of us followed through.  If each of us legitimately backed up the things we said with action and intentionality. LOVE IS A VERB!  It DOES!  It is in ACTION! This applies to so many areas of our lives.  Even our faith.  Are we backing it up or are we just talking?  So the next time you say something or post something….check the motivation behind it and be willing to walk the walk and not just talk.  I think we will all feel more fulfilled, more loved, and more connected as a result.