Broken Release

I am currently sitting up in my room at my Aunt and Uncle’s house in Vermont.  This place has been and will always be a safe place for me.  From the peacefulness of the property they live on, to the acceptance of me as a person and individual, I have always felt like I could breathe here.  Tonight, I am taking a deep breath in and exhaling as I let go of a chapter of my life.   

The past month has been one of the hardest in my life.  I have experienced some of the greatest heartache I think I have ever experienced, and I honestly felt like I might never recover.  True to form though, that reaction is dramatic and emotional.  I am recovering, I will recover, and I will be ok.  A process is a process, it isn’t a light switch that can be flipped.  Matters of the heart are always sensitive things.  Every time you put yourself out there you are risking something.  Friendships or otherwise there is always something that can be gained and lost, and you have to weigh out if the decisions are worth it or not. 

 I fell in love with a man who was truly the light of my life.  I fell in love with someone who made me feel like I was on top of the world.  I fell in love with a man who believed in me and pushed me. I fell in love with a man who made me laugh more than anyone. I fell in love with a man who I wanted to marry and was going to marry.  I fell in love.  I took the risk and although the outcome was far from what I trusted and believed it would be, I don’t regret it for a second….and more still….I continue to love him. 

 During the past 2 years, I have gone on a journey of discovery and acceptance.  I have fought through feelings of fear, anxiety, depression, loneliness, lack of drive, and hopelessness.  I also experienced a freedom I never have had,  and a weight lifted off of my shoulders that I never thought would be lifted.  I am a gay man who loves Jesus.  I am a Christian, who is attracted to men.  Something I was terrified of has now become something I embrace and is something I am proud of.  I am finally proud to be me.  I have experienced a community of friends who are second to none.  I have experienced a church home that allows you to come truly TRULY as you are and accepts you to the table with open arms.  I have experienced Love. 

            The one person who walked with me through all of it was this man.  He is strong and courageous and brave.  We leaned on each other through some of the toughest times.  We supported each other with each step we took and for that, I am forever grateful.  I experienced God in new ways and watched as he provided for our every step, and I know he will continue to provide for this new chapter for both of us.

As we BOTH go through the changes and emotions of the decisions made, I ask for this.  Pray for us BOTH  Reach out to us BOTH.  Support and encourage us BOTH.  There are no real winners in a breakup.  There are no real winners when it comes to breaking up and deciding to go in a different direction.  There is heartache to go around, but there is ultimately peace that comes in time.  There is peace that comes with community and family.  There is peace that comes with leaning on the steady arms of a heavenly father who is there and will be there through it all.  Then, when the time is right…..joy will come again.  

The old saying is that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  This bittersweet statement is something I want to throw out the window right now, but at the end of the day, I know it to be true.  I have experienced something that is precious and vulnerable and authentic.  I have experienced Love for another person and what it feels like to be willing to give anything for them.  Knowing that feeling and the beautiful thing that it is…knowing that I am able to feel that…..makes me hope and truly believe that it will come again.  I know it will.  

So, with this long-winded post, I will exhale.  I lift my hands up and open them.  Releasing what I have wanted to hold on to for so long, and I will leave them open to accept what will come next.  Expectant for the good things and hopeful for it all.  Thank you my friends and family that have truly been there.  Thank you to this community of strength and support.  Thank you for continuing to be there. 

Floral Prints and Planted Hearts

     I am currently wearing an obscenely floral shirt.  I just saw it in the store and thought how cool it was and how I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off.  I then looked at the price, and I was sold on taking the risk.  In wearing this shirt today I starting thinking how many metaphors have been thrown out about flowers.  Roses and love ,and how every rose has its thorns, and how love is beautiful and also painful.  The counting of petals as you rip them off to explain how sexual abstinence is good, and if you keep giving yourself away you will only have a stem to give to your future life partner.  So many comparisons to these beautiful delicate creations.  I am not sure why those came to the top of my mind, but there ya go!  

    I love flowers.  I love the smell.  I love the work it takes to cultivate and maintain flowers.  I love how some are delicate but some are actually rather hearty.  I love how they are given as gifts for both happy and sad occasions.  Flowers just have something about them that you can’t ignore.  They are special.  

    I can understand why so many people compare us as humans to flowers.  All the same things apply to us….well aside from being given as gifts.  haha.  We are beautiful, delicate but hearty.  We take work.  We smell….good and bad.   We are unique and individual and can’t be ignored.  I think what I was thinking about today regarding the parallels, is that not every flower is going to be taken care of the same way.  Each one has different needs.  All are beautiful in their own right, but the needs of a Rose are different than the needs of an Orchid.  

     I planted a few rose bushes at my old cottage.  I loved them so much but I had to figure out the best way to care for them.  I was told they are super hearty and that once you get them going they pretty much take care of themselves.  They just need alot of attention at first.  The ground has to be conducive to a good root system.  They need lots of water.  They need good  direct sunlight.  Once they take off, and the conditions in which they are planted are good, they will bloom and thrive.  I also had some Begonias that I planted that had totally different needs.  They needed less water and less direct sun.  In order for them to survive I couldn’t put them under the same rules for growth.  They would never thrive like that.  

    Here is the comparison I was thinking on.  We all have different needs.  We all are fed and function differently and to put everyone under the same set of rules and regulations would be foolish.  I am not talking about general rules.  Flowers all need water and all need some form of light…we all need guidelines and guardrails.  Look across the board for humans though.  We have conservatives and liberals.  We have Southern Baptists, catholics, pentecostals, and methodists.  We have outdoorsy people and those who prefer life indoors.  The list could go on and on.  Each person on their individual journey has different needs and different things that make them thrive.  Things that bring out passions and excitement.  Things that make them fall in love.  Things that make them angry.  At the end of the day though, just like with flowers planted and cared for according to what is best for them, we becomes a beautiful garden of humanity.  All the colors and shapes and sizes.  All the diversity of texture and depth.  

     Have you ever been to a really well cared for garden?  You can’t help but stop and admire its beauty and take it all in.  So, that  brings me to my long winded point.  Make sure you are planted where you should be, and are cared for in the way in which you need.  All the basics still apply.  If you are a person of  faith that is the basic food and water we need.  For others that might be different.  Then we move forward.  Some will need to be planted where there are lots of people.  Some will need to be planted in the isolated places of Northern Montana.  Some people need the arts…. like me.  Others need a sports stadium within 10 minutes.  Some need a community that has strict rules and regulations because they function well in that world.  Some need to feel more of a freedom in the midst of their structure.  

      I am realizing this more and more as I grow older and figure myself out, one layer at a time.  I use to think that I needed to stay in middle America.  I thought I would always feel the most at home there.  For awhile I thought that New York City was the place for me.  So many opportunities and excitement! Then I realized I need to be planted where I can have a little bit of both worlds.  City and country life at my fingertips sprinkled with the arts and culture that bring me to life.  That is where I grow and thrive the most.  I was raised Southern Baptist, but that is not where I grow and thrive the most.  That is not where I am fed to the fullest.  I still hold to my faith, but that denomination I have found isn’t for me as a whole.  Doesn’t make it bad at all…just isn’t where I need to be planted and fed.  Where do you need to be planted? 

     We all have to figure out what it is that feeds us and where is the best place to plant our hearts.  We are tasked with figuring that out.  No one else will be able to tell you…..although many will try and convince you otherwise.  Once you figure that out….don’t settle for anything less.  Allow the flower that you are to grow and bloom to its fullest and be admired for the unique creation that it is.  Surround yourself with a beautiful garden of well tended people and enjoy! You deserve it!  You are worthy of it! 

     

     So, let’s just stop and smell the roses.  Life is too short not to.  Life is but a breath.  Don’t waste it being planted where you can’t fully thrive and grow to your best.  

Retracting the Claws

Well, Here I am again. I feel like I have been writing a lot more lately. Thats a good thing because I love to write.  Its also a not so good thing sometimes because it usually means I have things I am processing. This one will be short and sweet though.  This blog is to apologize.  

     My last post, which I have reverted to a draft, was written in a place of anger and frustration.  It was written from a place of deep hurt that has just continued to grow deeper with situations that have happened. Unfortunately in all of this…..no one wins.  There is loss all around.  

    So, I apologize for airing laundry on here and allowing my emotions to get the better of me. I do believe that it is important to express that Anger is an emotion that needs to be felt and processed.  It is something that can bring out the worst in people and I believe that is what happened with my previous post.  Social media of any kind is not the place to do that in the way that I did.  After hearing some tough truth from my love, I made the decision to remove the post.  

    Human beings are complicated creatures.  At the end of the day we are responsible for us and how we conduct ourselves.  We are responsible for the character we have and the integrity that we show.  My desire on this journey is to be a man of Character.  A man who is quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger as it says in James.  I want to be a reflection of Christ in my life.  I want to love as I would want to be loved.  I want to showcase the positive and healthy fruit that the Lord continues to produce in my life.  

   For those who are navigating similar journeys.  I spoke to you before about continuing to fight.  This is part of that fight.  Acknowledging when you have not taken the high road and apologizing.  Rising above situations and not stooping to a level that isn’t you or who you want to be. 

   I remember as a kid always wanting to be stronger.  Always wanting to feel like I could stand up for myself.  When my brother and I would get in fights I would immediately drop to the floor, if there was no escape, because my legs were the strongest part of me.  I would just kick and pray that I would leave the fight unscathed.   As an adult my body has gotten stronger but I feel like sometimes I revert back to that kid who  fell to the ground and tried to escape the hurt with a few solid kicks.  The same is true now as it was then….the kicks do nothing really.  It might bring some instant gratification but you still end up hurt and you still don’t have the strength you hoped.  True strength can come in the stillness and rootedness of someone who stands their ground with confidence.  

   So, instead of an angry post, I am replacing that was this. I am thankful for the family I have around me that has chosen to be supportive and loving.  I am thankful for the relationship I am in and the fact the he was able to communicate an area I needed to grow in.  I am thankful for my relationship with the Lord which is still intact and feeding my life.  I am thankful for air in my lungs and a future that is bright.  I am thankful for provision and for love.  I am thankful.  Releasing all this anger and embracing the Good that has come and humbling looking forward to what is ahead.  Be kind out there y’all.  Choose to rise above.  Choose to love.  It’s what we all truly need.  

Aligning my Tires

And…….Exhale.  That is what I have been telling myself a lot the past weeks and months.  What a journey I have just been on.  A journey of the heart, mind, body, and spirit!  Truly something that has assaulted all of my senses with its ups and downs and curves.  Here we are though…in Lancaster, PA.  Back again to the streets and town I fell in love with years ago.  I am working at a shop downtown and learning so much what it means to be a manager and a leader.  Its hard y’all.  haha

     So, we breath in and we exhale as each step is taken.  Now is the time for settling down a bit and figuring out what this current chapter brings.  What are my goals?  What is the desire I have for my life?  For my relationship?  For my future?  Am I living content with what has been so richly given….or am I functioning in a posture of anxiety and fear.  I think more often than not it is the latter.  

    I had a friend just message me a story from a friend of his about a girl in counseling talking about how the Lord had been convicting her so much about the futility of the Hustle and trying to constantly achieve the next thing.  She expressed how she was feeling super insecure all the time and anxious about what was about to happen….right as something great had already happened.  Literally, great news one day….then the next day back to feeling anxious about what was next and where she was heading.  It’s exhausting!  

    I think we all can relate to her story to some degree.  The therapist she was seeing responded with suggesting that her goals were the issue.  We so often set goals for the next best thing; constantly living in a state of nothing every being good enough.  No house is big enough.  No job is fulfilling enough.  Nothing satisfies.  The Therapist suggested that instead of aligning her life around her goals she should align her life around her values.  When we focus on what is truly valuable.  What values sustain us and fulfill us…..it makes every achievement something surrounded with gratefulness and contentment.  We are spitting in the face of something that has great value and promise.  

     This might seem like basic stuff, but for me today it smacked me across the face.  The past 6 months I have moved twice and changed jobs 3 times….its been exhausting and left my confidence shot and my anxiety high!  Taking a moment while I am sitting here an my little shop, I see the fingerprints of God on my life.  I see the fruit that is there and the good that has been brought and continues to be produced.  I am BEYOND grateful for the provision in my life.  I am humbled and grateful for the people who have loved in a way that has blown me away.  

   Contentment.  Exhale.  Align with values….with what is valuable….what is real.  Have an amazing day out there.  You are loved….you are valuable…. believe it and see it friends.

      

Just.....Be

Hey there, bloggers. It's been a long time! So, I am not sure who all follows this blog anymore.  I haven’t posted in a very long time, and this post I am about to write is long overdue.  

     I started this blog as I was about to head out on a cruise ship.  If you scroll back to the beginning you will get to see a journey of a man who has wrestled with the Lord on a variety of issues, but the biggest one has been my sexuality.  I have fought a long hard fight to maintain that I am not gay.  To fight who I have been told for a long time that I cannot be.  It has been an exhausting journey that has grown me in ways I never imagined but also left wounds that are deeper than I can even express fully here in this blog.  Maybe one day I will dive into all of that a little more.  

     The sad thing is that my story isn’t a new one.  It isn’t a unique story except for the cast of characters that played the roles.  I was raised in the Church, in a Christian home.  I had two parents that loved me and desired for me to share the same beliefs as they have.  I did Church choir and youth group.  I participated in every single event I could.  I loved Jesus and I loved the community of people I had around me.  They were my best friends.  Some of them still are.  

     Then, as I started to navigate my sexuality, things started to change.  The fear and shame attached to even thinking about being gay was heaped on me.  The fear of eternal hell and separation from the Lord.  The fear of losing everything and everyone I loved.  The fear of not being enough.  All of these were a constant reminder that I couldn’t be what I felt deeply inside that I was. I was trapped.  "Damned if I do, damned if I don’t," situation.  It was horrible.  I was taught through this shame to hate myself.  To feel insecure and weak because if I were to strongly proclaim myself, I would be slammed by those who would adamantly disagree.  

      So, like so many, I tried to fake it till I made it.  I dated some truly amazing women.  Women who taught me so much about love, caring for someone, family, and working hard in relationships.  The sad thing is, I was letting them down.  I was letting myself down.  In the attempt to make myself what others wanted me to be, I was destroying not only myself, but these amazing women.  The hearts that were broken on my journey of finding and embracing my true self were far too many.  To those who might be reading this now,  I am SO sorry.  I pray for your forgiveness and that your hearts have been or will be continually restored.  

       I don’t think well intending Christian folks understand what they are doing when they openly and aggressively condemn those of us who are navigating the reconciling of our faith and sexuality.  This fear and shame only leads to hiding.  Leads to a culture that is steeped in secrets.  In the shadows is where I believe Satan wants us to stay.  In the culture of hookups and casual sex that slowly eats away at you.  Where you can’t fully be in a relationship for fear of someone finding out.  Someone hurting you.  Someone reminding you that you are less than them and going to hell.  That you are an abomination.  This shadowland, isn’t intended for anyone, it isn’t what God intended.  Yet, for the sake of sharing the Truth they believe, that is where people put us.  Leaving us to figure out a way to claw and climb back into the light.  

      So, as I look back over the blog entries here, I see that struggle.  The ups and downs.  The insecurities and the trials.  We all have them, but the gloss over mine is the desire to please my family.  My friends.  To make them proud of me.  The thing of it is…..conditional love…..it isn’t love at all.  If we are all striving to be like Christ, then why do we hold on so tightly to the conditions for us to be able to love and accept people?  If I would have had a supportive community that first moment I was caught looking at something on my family's computer that was "gay,"…what would have happened? I know--trust.  Safety.  The ability to walk this all out in the light and express the fear and sadness as it happened.  I would have been able to avoid the hurt of hookup-culture and the pain of breaking the hearts of women who only wanted to love and be loved back.  I could have had a family that-regardless if they agreed or disagreed with the choice-could have accepted and loved both me and the person I am with….because we all would have navigated this road together. 

      I am in love with an amazing man.  I am committed to him and dedicated to him more than I have ever experienced in my life.  We have had challenge after challenge presented to us and I still hold fast to two things.  I have a God that loves me fully, and unconditionally.  I have a God who accepts me as his child and wants the best for me, which is to walk closely to him…unashamed of who I am.  Seeking to be better and to grow.  I also know that I love the man I am with, and I want to spend my life with him.  

     No matter what the reactions are to this blog, I think it was high time I started talking in the light about things I have been wrestling with in the dark.  It's time I am allowed the same fresh air to breath while I journey with the relationship I am in.  It is time for me to be free, be brave, and be loved.