The past month has been one of the hardest in my life. I have experienced some of the greatest heartache I think I have ever experienced, and I honestly felt like I might never recover. True to form though, that reaction is dramatic and emotional. I am recovering, I will recover, and I will be ok. A process is a process, it isn’t a light switch that can be flipped. Matters of the heart are always sensitive things. Every time you put yourself out there you are risking something. Friendships or otherwise there is always something that can be gained and lost, and you have to weigh out if the decisions are worth it or not.
I fell in love with a man who was truly the light of my life. I fell in love with someone who made me feel like I was on top of the world. I fell in love with a man who believed in me and pushed me. I fell in love with a man who made me laugh more than anyone. I fell in love with a man who I wanted to marry and was going to marry. I fell in love. I took the risk and although the outcome was far from what I trusted and believed it would be, I don’t regret it for a second….and more still….I continue to love him.
During the past 2 years, I have gone on a journey of discovery and acceptance. I have fought through feelings of fear, anxiety, depression, loneliness, lack of drive, and hopelessness. I also experienced a freedom I never have had, and a weight lifted off of my shoulders that I never thought would be lifted. I am a gay man who loves Jesus. I am a Christian, who is attracted to men. Something I was terrified of has now become something I embrace and is something I am proud of. I am finally proud to be me. I have experienced a community of friends who are second to none. I have experienced a church home that allows you to come truly TRULY as you are and accepts you to the table with open arms. I have experienced Love.
The one person who walked with me through all of it was this man. He is strong and courageous and brave. We leaned on each other through some of the toughest times. We supported each other with each step we took and for that, I am forever grateful. I experienced God in new ways and watched as he provided for our every step, and I know he will continue to provide for this new chapter for both of us.
As we BOTH go through the changes and emotions of the decisions made, I ask for this. Pray for us BOTH Reach out to us BOTH. Support and encourage us BOTH. There are no real winners in a breakup. There are no real winners when it comes to breaking up and deciding to go in a different direction. There is heartache to go around, but there is ultimately peace that comes in time. There is peace that comes with community and family. There is peace that comes with leaning on the steady arms of a heavenly father who is there and will be there through it all. Then, when the time is right…..joy will come again.
The old saying is that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. This bittersweet statement is something I want to throw out the window right now, but at the end of the day, I know it to be true. I have experienced something that is precious and vulnerable and authentic. I have experienced Love for another person and what it feels like to be willing to give anything for them. Knowing that feeling and the beautiful thing that it is…knowing that I am able to feel that…..makes me hope and truly believe that it will come again. I know it will.
So, with this long-winded post, I will exhale. I lift my hands up and open them. Releasing what I have wanted to hold on to for so long, and I will leave them open to accept what will come next. Expectant for the good things and hopeful for it all. Thank you my friends and family that have truly been there. Thank you to this community of strength and support. Thank you for continuing to be there.
