Double Trouble

Double Minded- wavering or undecided in mind.
     I feel like for the past couple years I have been living the life of a double minded man.  I make decisions and choices for one direction but then part of my mind holds on to the very things that I was making choices against.  I have a mental tug o war with right and wrong.  The cliché picture of angel on one shoulder and demon on the other is what I have felt like.  The truth of the matter is that I am not alone, even though I feel like I am the only one who deals with this battle.   I think the challenge to myself and others is to learn better focus. 
   Focus- a central point, as of attraction, attention, or activity.  A point at which rays of light, heat, or other radiation, meet after being refracted or reflected. The position of a viewed object or the adjustment of an optical device necessary to produce a clear image. 
      If there is no focus there is no direction.  Things aren’t clear.  An unfocused life is a life walking around in a fog grasping at something to fill a need at this time or that.  Trying to make it all work but not knowing which direction to go next.  You trick yourself after awhile to believe that you have it under control, but in reality you barely know where to place your next step.  So what can we do.  How do we find that focus. 
    Psalm 119:105 - Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.
 As a Christian man I have to make the choice to be guided by Gods word.  As cliché as it sounds, it is the roadmap for our lives.  It is the only thing that can bring focus to the double minded man that I am.  The trap that I fall into often has been to go the direction that the Lord has for me but hold on to the “comfort” of the sin I know.  Of the life that I know I can do, even though I know it is wrong for me and will lead to hurt. 
   I read in a book by Donald Miller about women who have been abused.  Many of them choose to go back to the abuse because they know the outcome.  They can deal with the hurt because they have already experienced it and lived through it.  The fear they hold is the fear of the unknown.  That unknown healthy life that they have yet to experience.   I believe that is consistent with any person wrestling with wanting to make better choices for their lives.  No matter what the addiction or abuse, you have to take the initial step to let go of the hurt and the old life and walk into the scary unknown of a new life.  A life of being a new creation.  2 Corinthians 5:17.  
   James 1:8- He is a double minded man, unstable in all his ways
 My desire for myself is to flee from this double minded life I have been living.  To toss aside the baggage and move forward into the light and life the Lord has for me.  Due to lack of focus I have been living in, I have allowed myself to be hurt and to then hurt people.  For those in my life who have felt the effects of this I am truly sorry and pray for complete forgiveness and restoration.  I guess the reason I write this blog is to ask for prayer and also to communicate this so that others might be encouraged to trust in the Lord and his faithfulness.  It isn’t easy, and it is super scary, but I choose to believe that the outcome and the life it will bring forth in due time is far better than the alternative.