This could be a potentially jaded post so be ready to show some grace. The past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about my Christian walk. I have been thinking about how many people say so many things and never follow through with them. About how so many of us Christians throw out these buzz words in order to make ourselves feel better about who we are and where we are in our walk with the Lord. We mask up out hurts our fears and our frustrations with “God is good! All the Time! God is Good!” and the “Im fine, God is so faithful!” I am not saying that those words aren’t true. I 100% believe that God is so faithful and good, but my issue is that it prevents honesty. It prevents realness and it prevents community.
In my life right now I have been facing challenges and frustrations that make it to where I want to just run away and become a hermit. I don’t want to talk to people I don’t want to build relationships because all they end up doing is hurting you, using you, or leaving…or some nice combination of the three. I obviously know that this is not true and I am viewing them through the lens of my own recent wounds. All that being said, I feel like all I hear from the people around is the cliché sayings “God is so Good!” and “He is preparing you for something great!” or “you’ve been on my heart..im praying for you”
I know they are coming from a good place most of them. I know that their hearts want to encourage and be there but I honestly don’t want to hear that. I don’t want to hear a cliché response in order for you not to fully invest into encouraging. Why have we as Christians gotten so far away from carrying each others burdens and walking with one another? Why have we decided it is easier to say we will pray for someone but don’t actually stop and pray with them right there?…and even further……follow up and ask how they are doing later? Its lazy relationships. Its surface caring with nothing behind it. We are too busy and to wrapped up in our own junk that we deem others less important then ourselves.
Look at the life of Jesus and the way he loved and cared for people. He invested. He walked with and fought for and prayed with. He encouraged and helped people understand rather then just throwing out some self help phrase and moving on. I am so guilty of this myself , and I think now that I am in a season where I could use that relationship and encouragement I am realizing how frustrating it is not to receive it. Imagine how non Christians feel if they receive the same care and Love we show to one another? Why would they want to know a Jesus that lives in our hearts if we aren’t sharing and opening up our hearts? If we aren’t showing kindess and following through and walking with them.
So I guess the point of this rant blog is to challenge us. If you make a choice to invest in someone….follow through. If you take the time to say a cliché phrase of “You’ve been on my heart..” then prove it and follow through. Show care. Be intentional. Be there for the person that the Lord has laid on your heart. If that means setting time aside to get coffee do it. If that means doing that once a week for awhile, do it. If that means spending a couple bucks and getting a card or buying a meal, do it. We are called to love one another, and if we are not constantly trying to grow and become better at caring, then we are doing a disservice to both the people we interact with and to ourselves.
So, today at Church something really meaningful happened. We took communion. It always amazes me how much this simple act and ceremony brings me to tears. Just that reminder that my sin has been forgiven. My life has been bought and paid for. I am no longer bound to this old life, I am a free new creation and child of the King.
This off season has been anything but rejuvenating for me. It has been probably the hardest off season I have had since I have been back here in Missouri. I started out with a plan to make it like last year where I removed everything from my life and focus on reading and getting closer to the Lord. I was going to give up face book and twitter and instagram and any other social media that had so quickly taken over all of our lives. I was going to stop my internet for the month and kind just go off the grid. Spend time with friends and relax. I guess the Lord had other plans.
This off season was ushered in by a series of hard situations that left me feeling broken and beaten to start. Then it seemed like more people than normal were leaving town this year which left me with limited possibilities for hang out time and community. I had deleted everything and was ready to go, and then was overwhelmed with loneliness. I tried to ride it out for a bit but decided to download everything again and add a few more social media apps to fill the void I was feeling even further. I became consumed so quickly it surprised me.
I spent the entire off season last year alone and relished in it, and now I was scratching at the walls of this prison I had made for myself in my apartment. What changed? What caused me to dive so deeply into the well of my lonely heart. I think it was fear. Fear that I would always be alone. Fear that I am going to get left behind. Fear that I am not talented enough. Fear about this upcoming season and all the challenges that are coming with it. I was terrified of going back to an old life that I so desperately want to never ever even look back on.
The strange thing about fear is that it turns you down the road you didn’t want to go down in the first place. So, I went. I failed and struggled and ran and struggled some more. All the while knowing that all I had to do was focus back on Jesus. Focus back on this amazing father and friend who has seen me through every curve in the road. In my mind I justified every action every thought. I had grown weary of being obedient and deserved a break.
Then I went and visited my amazing friends Jordon and Leah. Jordon is an amazing brother and truly gifted with encouragement. I spent the weekend hanging out and relaxing. Playing games and enjoying my friends. Then Sunday came and truth be told the last thing I wanted to do was go to church. We went and the pastor was talking about obedience! Haha. Talk about a sermon directed totally at me. It talked about bearing fruit and building a firm foundation in Christ. It talked about continuing to be obedient in the midst of struggle and valleys. As I listened through gritted teeth I thought through my life the past 3 years and how much fruit has come from this battle for obedience. This reckless seeking to do the will of God. I have been blessed over and over and over again. Yes I have failed along the way and struggled a lot, but the consistent thing that I kept seeing as I thought through my life was blessing. Was Gods provision for everything! When I am obedient to him he always gives me the best!
We took communion and Jordon prayed and I left feeling a spark back in my heart. Then a week goes by and I shuffle my feet trying to wake up from the fog I have been living in this off season and today is Sunday. I go to church and it literally is like streams of living water for my soul. How I missed just sitting with other believers and worshiping together. Singing songs and praising this amazing father who loves us all. Here is the thing that made me laugh this morning. Not because it was funny, but because God knows me soooo well. We took communion.
If you have read my blogs in the past you know how meaningful communion is for me. When I was living a totally different life in my past I was told by a dear mentor that I shouldn’t take communion because I was living in unrepentant sin. So I stopped and was so hurt every time it was taken. It was miserable because it reminded me that I was running away from my savior and that I was choosing my sin over him. Later after the Lord brought me back I took communion for the first time and cried because it was like a sweet reunion with my precious savior, the love of my life Jesus.
So today, I held the little cracker and cup in my hands and cried yet again. I think we can get so wrapped up in our past that we refuse to move on. We build up our protective walls for fear that something will get through and rob us of our freedom from whatever it might be. Today as the Lord loved on me and reminded me of the blessing of obedience, I was also reminded that I have nothing to be afraid of. That he paid the price for my sin and my shackles are gone. I just have to continue to walk, run, leap, dance, rest in this amazing freedom he has given me. Jesus paid it all! All to him I owe.
So, my precious love, thank you for dying to set me free. Thank you for picking my up over and over when I fall and loving me through it all. Thanks for having a perfect plan and letting me see glimpses of it once in awhile. Thanks for loving on me so well. I adore you Jesus.
Tonight I went for a walk with Charlie and it was bitter cold. I had bundled up as much as possible yet the cold still was attacking any opening it could find. I was trying to move as quickly as possible and prompting Charlie to do his business as I drug him behind me. I decided to slow down the pace because there is no rushing my little pup and I realized what I was missing.
There is something about a cold night that slows everything down. Its as though everything around is huddled together trying to stay warm, and in the process it provides a peaceful night for thinking. The stillness of it all eliminates distractions except those in your own head. The smell of wood burning in fire places sweeps by with the wind relaxing you, reminding you that you are home….that you are safe.
Tonight in this peace I finally broke down from a few weeks of tough stuff. From relationship issues to family health issues to personal struggles. I feel like everything in the book was just thrown in my face and I am now picking up the broken pieces of heart left in its wake. Walking along in the still of this night reminded me to stop trying to control my life and everything in it and just let go and trust that God has a perfect plan. I have to be still, I have to seek his face, and I have to let go.
In a few days we will be celebrating the birth of Jesus. The birth of our savior who died for all of us. He died for me. He died so that I might have a new life, a life that is filled with his love. A life that is filled with his Joy. A life that he has a perfect plan for. I can celebrate because this baby grew up and experienced every temptation and struggle and trial and grief that I could ever imagine experiencing and he did not sin. He lived a life totally connected to his father in heaven.
Knowing that I am not alone, knowing that my heavenly father knows what I am going through and knows my fears and worries releases me to be broken. Releases me to be transparent and allow the grace that was given to me by Jesus comfort and guide me though the trouble times when they come. It allows me to let go of what others might think of situations or circumstances and focus on the significance of the one who truly matters, Jesus. He is the reason for the season, he is the reason for my life, he is the reason I can sing and have joy in my heart in the midst of sadness and sorrow.
Finishing my winter walk and thinking through the beauty of this precious gift. Applying that gift to my life as of late, the song Away in a Manger kept going through my head for some reason ( I know its odd). The last verse in particular: .
Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask Thee to stay
Close by me for ever and love me, I pray
Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care
And take us to Heaven to live with Thee there
Thank you Jesus for coming to this earth and for loving me and taking an interest in every detail of my life. Thank you for staying near me no matter what heart aches come and try to steal me away. Merry Christmas my dear friends. Thanks for the encouragement. Thanks for all the reminders of Jesus and redirecting me back to him.
I had the pleasure of taking a beautiful vacation filled with beautiful friends and family for a week and a half. I have so missed the joy of traveling and exploring new places and new things. The thrill of not knowing where you are going next and allowing yourself the freedom to change plans at a moments notice.
I started out my journey after finishing 2 shows and set out on a 17 hour drive with my dear friend and sister Jenny. We took turns driving through the night. We laughed alot and talked about life and where the Lord is taking us on our journeys with him. We encouraged one another in that quest for a deeper relationship with Christ. After hours and hours of driving and little bits of sleep as we could catch them, we finally made it to Lancaster, PA.
There I had the joy of staying with 2 dear friends who I worked and lived with in Tennessee,Wally and Andrea Calderon. I got to hold their sweet precious baby girl and catch up about life and how far we had come since out time at the Miracle theater. Those conversations continued as I met with even more friends from the Miracle Rachel and Daniel Stargel and Mary and Chris Bergamo. What an awesome privilege to celebrate with each other and what the Lord has done in our lives. The celebration continue as Chris and Mary drove me back to Wally and Andreas house. I think the thing that most impacted me is that fact that these friends are truly friends that will last a lifetime. I love each of them so much and know that, just like we did this visit, no matter how much time has passed we will always be there to celebrate and encourage one another.
The next day we made it into New York City and I got caught up, as I always do, in the hustle and bustle of that City. The sea of people surrounding me all on a mission to accomplish some task or errand. The smell of food carts and the sounds of street musicians filled the air to enrich this melting pot of culture and talent. The drive of this city is almost palpable. It makes my heart race!
We did a bit of shopping and although there were moments during that day, and the whole time I was there, that reminded me of my past, I had the privilege to see it through new eyes. New eyes of freedom from hurts that had once been experienced there. Praise God for delivering me and giving me sweet reminders of my freedom.
One of the sweetest reminders was getting to see the beautiful Anna Kelly, who has stolen my heart. What an awesome example of God being in the details of my life. I had been planning this NYC trip for months and just happened to start a relationship with Anna, who just happens to live in NYC, and this visit just happens to be in the middle of our time doing long distance before she comes back to Branson and work at Sight and Sound. Coincidence, I think not. I am finding that every time I see Anna for the first time...I have to catch my breath. Sappy, I know, but very true. I am always blown away by how beautiful she is and how that beauty is all the way to her core. It is such a precious gift to be in a relationship with her and I cannot wait for her to get back here to Branson!
Enough sap for now. I had so much fun exploring the city with Anna. We got to see Newsies on Broadway and to sit and share that moment with her is one I will always look back to. The show itself just brought my performing spirit back to life. It lit a spark in my heart that I felt had died or was at least very dim. To see those amazing talented performers doing what they love and giving it everything they have was inspiring. It challenged me to do the same in what I do. I started to feel the tug of the city calling me to come and audition and make it on the great white way! To pursue my passion for performing! The desire I have had for so so long to move there and make it.
I continued on my vacation journey to Vermont for a few days to enjoy my dear family up there. I never leave Vermont without feeling relaxed and rejuvenated. My aunt and uncle are probably some of the most hospitable and giving people I have every known, and I got the pleasure to spend 4 days with them. From awesome food and delicious wines, to great museums and farmers markets, I got to enjoy every ounce of my visit. To spend time out by the lake reading and enjoying the beautiful creation I was surrounded by. To climbing a mountain and siting and enjoy the view at the top. I was blessed indeed by the time to reflect and relax.
After all that travel and some amazing conversations and challenges I came back renewed in my desire to seek the Lord in my life. To make his desires my desires and to make bringing glory to his name my first priority. Weather that is in my interaction with friends and family, or with how I use my talents and abilities. I want to use the spark that was giving back to me by the talented performer on Broadway and bring that back here to Branson. Although I would love to move to NYC I know that for now that is not where God wants me. So, my Broadway is Branson, and my performance might not bring me Tony award, but I can challenge myself to be the best I can be in the role I am in. I can make an effort to allow the holy spirit to move in my performance and impact the way I do what I love. It is a gift that is not my own, and I have the pleasure of sharing it wherever he takes me.
So, now I sit at home with my sweet Charlie Dog, and I await what lies ahead for me. One step at a time, moment by moment. Thankful for the blessing he has so richly given me. Prayerfully holding the gifts he has given me with an open hand. Gifts or talents and relationship and family and asking the Lord to be in the center of all of it. To protect and make each bring Glory to him. Humbled that he loves me so well.
Today is my day off and I am a touch on the bored side so I thought I would write a bit since I haven't in quite a while. I am not anticipating any of this being deep or meaningful but here goes. I having been feeling overwhelmed with blessing lately. I am surrounded by people who love me. I am spoiled with quality time and rest. I am happy, filled with joy.
Not to say that the rest of my life hasn't had these things but I think right now, for one reason or another, I am made more aware of it. The past 2 weeks I have been in rehearsals for our upcoming Christmas Show here at Sight and Sound. It was a blast to learn and I am anticipating it being even more fun to do once we get the show up and running. In the midst of that rehearsal I met this beautiful girl who took my breath away when I first saw her. Then I talked to her and realized she was just as beautiful inside. Next thing you know I am spending every day after rehearsal with her and enjoying amazing conversation about life, and experiences, and the Lord. I am blown away. In 2 weeks I got as close to this amazing woman as most of my closest friends.
Being the insecure introvert that I tend to be, I start to question things. Am I good enough?. Am I attractive enough?. Am I man enough? What about my past? What about future contracts or moving to different places? And the list could go on and on. It is amazing to me in the midst of blessing sometimes we refuse to accept it as being that. We distort it through our lens of doubt or fear and make it something that it was never intended to be. We take all the joy out of something that was meant to be beautiful.
While having a conversation with this girl I drift for a moment and start getting sad because of all the what ifs in my mind. Then out of no where this man comes up to us to get a paper that was in a basket by our feet. We start a little conversation and then the next thing you know he asks us if we have a penny. I didn't have one but she did. So he takes the penny and then says "This isn't really worth much to you is it?" To which we both agree. "Well this is really what our lives are. They are small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but this is worth alot don't you think?" and he pulls out a hundred dollar bill. We both agree. "This is what Christ paid for us. Because to him we are worth far more than we believe or deserve." We both sit there humbled as the man gives us this hundred dollar bill and says we can use it however we like. To spend on ourselves or to bless someone else.
That moment was precious in so many way. One, that I got to experience this with a girl I am about to take an adventure with. Two, because it reminded me that no matter what is going on in my life or in my head, I have value and worth. Even though some days I don't feel like much, in God's eyes I am worth so much. So, when I receive a blessing, in this case a new relationship, I need to remember it is just a way for God to show his love to me. Although I don't deserve it, he is freely and abundantly giving it to me.
I don't know all the answers. How long this will last, for a season or for longer? Or how everything is going to turn out in this new adventure with this beautiful girl, but I do know that God loves me and as long as I am seeking him and trusting his will he will be faithful to show me.
This is not at all what I thought I would write about, but in some ways, it is my way of trying to pay it forward like the kind man at the restaurant did for me. I can't give a hundred dollars to everyone, but I can write a hundred words. :-) I am blessed and thankful for the precious gift of Jesus and doubly blessed that I get to live my life learning more about him and sharing it with others.
Living out here in this new house I am surrounded by nature. There is the beautiful lake down below. Various different bird. Loads of different flowers and plants that I am just learning about. It has been a time to be encouraged by Gods creation.
A couple weeks ago I was woken up by a bird sound that I hadn’t really heard before. Charlie jumped off the bed and started running around my room and whining. So I opened the curtains the blocked my bed from the rest of the room. Right there on my balcony was a beautiful bald eagle. I stood there for a moment in awe of what I was seeing and didn’t know if I should start reciting the pledge of allegiance or grab for my camera phone. I chose the later. I turned around a quickly but calmly as possible to grab the phone and turned around just to see it fly off the deck. So, I laid the phone down and opted to sing the all time favorite ‘Proud to be ‘merican’ instead. In all seriousness though, it was one of the coolest experiences.
I thought that would trump everything, but then something happened this morning that I feel was a little gift from the Father. I woke up this morning and was laying in bed. Thinking about my day and all that it has in store. I am starting a bible study with a young friend of mine and our first meeting is today. I am so excited to spend time with this guy and share with him all that the Lord has done for me and can do for him. In the midst of thinking on this I looked at a face book page of a former mentor of mine that has since lost his way. My heart was crushed when I looked through the posts.
Each post was another declaration of freedom from the very thing that I hold to as my salvation. Each word a justification for him leaving what he had even expressed to me to be truth. My heart ached as I read an article he posted about a respected leader who decided to have the same belief as he has on what is truth and what is a lie. What is freedom and what is bondage. Then the Lord spoke to me through a very unusual servant. I know I am an emotional guy and I look at the world through different lenses most of the time, but I feel like this gift was so beautiful. So much so that it brought me to tears.
I heard a rustling sound from the other side of the room, and of course Charlie went to investigate. I open my curtains to see him chasing around a little sparrow that has gotten into my room through the screen door and can’t find its way out. I quickly grab Charlie and put him in another room so I can focus on getting this bird out. At first I grab a pillow and try and trap it in one of the window boxes I have. Then I realize that the pillow is too big. Then I grab a shirt and realize that I can’t maneuver it right in order to get the bird. So I decide to try and use my hands. I calmly put my hands around the bird and it just sits there. It sits there trusting that I am going to take care of it. I move over to the screen door and walk it out to the edge of the balcony and let if fly out of my hands. I didn’t think much of it then other than the fact that I now have to fix a screen, but a bit later while talking to my mom I was telling her about it and it was as if the Lord smacked me with what he was trying to tell me through the little sparrow.
Mentors have a responsibility. They have a mission that is very important and very delicate. They hold a life in their hands. Now, it isn’t like a doctor holds a life, but it is the emotional life of a person. The influence can be used for good or for the determent. My mentor I spoke of earlier was used so mightily in so many peoples lives, my own included, and then decided to pull the rug out from under the truth that he has spoken so boldly. The respected leader of such an impact full and important mission that denied the truth in which they spoke did the same. It breaks me heart in both situations because they are wonderful men who have gifts and abilities that could lead so many to freedom and truth. As a result of their choices many delicate hearts have been wounded even more. Responsibility.
This tiny bird this morning, I feel, was Gods way of showing me how to be a mentor. ( I know this may sound weird, but hear me out) A mentor can’t just corner someone into a belief ( the pillow) and they can’t just fan truth in their direction and hope that it sticks (the shirt) they have to be real. The have to show themselves and the blessings and gifts the Lord as given them. They have to be able to speak truth from their own lives and be transparent. (the hands) When you strip away all the masks and facades you see the raw true person and that is a testament of freedom. That is the true testament of God’s grace and power.
In addition to that comes what I feel to be the most important. They have to be committed and focused on the truth in which they speak. Just like I had to put Charlie way, we have to push the things that distract us away so we can maintain focus on not only Christ, but those who we mentor or come in contact with. We have to remain focused as we walk through life with our brothers or sisters that the Lord places in our path. Focused so as to achieve the goal of Freedom! Freedom through Jesus, who for some reason saw fit to die for us. To save me from my sin and my shame. Focusing on that truth opens doors to true, abounding freedom. Just like I had to remain focused on this delicate bird in my hand as I walked it outside the cage that was my room, Jesus has done that for me. He has done that for me through his word. He has done that for me through amazing men and women who have remained focused on him and shared that focus and freedom with me.
So now this morning I sit in awe of a God who still speaks. Who spoke to me and reminded me how delicate he treats me as he continues to free me from my past and my sin, and how now he is sharing that responsibility and honor with me as I get to speak truth and love to my brother today, and also others that he might bring into my life in the future. All this spoken through a little sparrow. Thank you Jesus for knowing me, and for speaking to me in such beautiful ways.
‘I Sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free. For his eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me.’
