I think it is high time for my yearly blog post. I don’t know why I got away from writing these as much as I use to. I think part of me got caught up in life and the other part of me got lazy and didn’t want to write about my journey anymore. As I was thinking about writing again, I went over to the blog and I read the last entry I had about letting go and loosening up my grip on things in my life. I was so thankful to read that post again because it was a reminder of things I need to still put into practice.
I am finding that more and more I am encountered with my anxious attachment style and how I am constantly afraid of people leaving. This stance of protection and fix it is exhausting and has led me into situation after situation of getting not only burnt out but deeply hurt. With each run of this cycle, another part of me is allowed to fall into the belief that if I don’t live up to an expectation if I am not what this person needs in every way, if I don’t do what they want and meet their needs I am not worthy of love….a love that will stay…. a love that won’t want to leave. The wake-up call recently is…..I’m part of this cycle. I have control in this….I just have to take it.
The victim card has been played far too many times and with good reason…but maybe I’m not a victim as much as I think or feel sometimes. Perhaps I could pick up that card and shuffle the deck and see what else I can bring to this game of life and relationship. Maybe this new card I could place on the table could look more like self-worth and boundaries. Maybe this new card could look like self-care and confidence. Maybe it’s time to start investing in those things instead of relationships that don’t reciprocate a consistency of thought and belief in what it takes to maintain a relationship and care for the other partner. Thinking about what my expectations need to be and truly are is something I find myself discarding in order to accommodate the relationship I am in. Shuffle the deck…its time for things to change.
So looking at the path ahead I am far more aware of what attachment is and what I need to be looking for. I actually read an amazing book called “Attached” by Rachel Heller and Amir Levine. This book dives into attachment theory and not only how our individual attachment styles develop but also how they interact with one another. I felt so seen and understood when I was reading about anxious attachment. I felt like maybe I’m not as crazy as I thought. Or maybe I am….but I have brothers and sisters that are like me and get it. Haha I have been told many times that this anxious attachment is weak and sad. That the person who has this attachment style doesn’t know who they really are and aren’t a whole person. I think it is quite the contrary in so many ways. Those with an anxious attachment are far more attuned to the needs of their partners…..we are the best at picking up cues and caring for them well. We are loyal and consistent. We are passionate givers and resilient beyond what we are given credit for. No matter what happens we will journey through a battle or a wound in order to protect those we love and care for. We know who we are…. we just choose to value those we are in a relationship with to a high degree…..sometimes to a fault.
The only thing that is sad about those who wrestle with anxious attachment issues is that we aren’t valued for what and who we are. When matched with a secure attached person there isn’t the constant fear of loss. There isn’t the wondering if they will change their mind. What the secure attached person offers us is….stability. The moment we feel like we are good enough….we flourish! Not just flourish…we shine! Better yet….we can finally push to a place where that anxious attachment develops into a secure attachment style. After years of being modeled by family, friendships, and romantic partners that you are discardable and have to earn love, you finally can rest in the fact that you are worthy of love just by being here. Just by showing up!
So, as I continue to loosen my grip on life and my relationships, I take hold of my own heart and feel that vibrant beating. That rhythmic thump thump that lets me know that I am still alive and still here. There is still time to take care of this bruised and battered man. There is still time to live a great story. Heck, this is a great story….but just wait…..the chapters to come and going to be even better. Those are the chapters that this scared little boy from Missouri stops being so scared and starts celebrating being cared for well.
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