I have several things on my mind right now. All of them are great. Ha. I just feel like this is such a jubilant time in my life. So many things to be thankful for and so many wonderful lessons that I am learning. I am so blessed. First thing on my mind is how wonderful healthy relationships are. There is something so freeing and so comforting about being in a relationship that is healthy and grounded in faith. I feel like you know that a relationship is healthy by the fruit if bears. Just like in our own personal lives. If there is life being given by the relationship, then it is working properly, if not, then I feel like it is dying. For example, right now I am blessed with a wonderful relationship, I know it is healthy because there are good boundaries. We aren’t living in the physical like many relationships do, there are emotional boundaries too that allow us to grow together over time. Relationships are not a race that has to be rushed through. They are like a fine wine ( or juice ;) ) that should be enjoyed. I see life around me being restored and friendships being mended through this relationship. I see an honesty of conversation between the two of us that allows fear to take a back seat. No games, no manipulation, its great. That doesn’t mean it is devoid of any frustrations or insecurities, it just means that in the midst of those things, there is life and freedom. A thing I don’t think I have ever experienced in a relationship until now. I feel like there are so many people who settle, for relationships that they were not intended to be in. I feel people settle for a lack of connection, a lack of attraction, a lack of trust, all for the sake of being in a relationship and feeling loved. From someone who has made that mistake too many times to count, let go. God truly is sufficient. I always would scoff at such a statement, but although it is hard at times, a period of time, weather that be 3 months of 3 years with just an intimacy with God is so restoring and refreshing. Then, if and when it is in God’s plan for us to be in a relationship, you are able to function better, trust more, communicate more freely. You are not dependant on them for everything, to be your rock, because you have a rock in Christ that will never change or go away. This too is something that has to be maintained when relationships do come in. It is easy, if you allow yourself, to get swept away by the feelings and emotions another person might give you, but that goes back to being in a healthy relationship. If that is present and God is there, then that process will be all the easier….not easy….just more grounded. I feel as though I am rambling a bit, but I was just feeling thankful and wanted to express and affirm to others how amazing being in a healthy relationship is, and how worth the wait and patience it is.
On another note, I have been thinking more and more about what is next for me. Am I going to perform forever, or am feeling called in another direction? I am seriously considering going back to school and getting my masters in counseling. I have always enjoyed being able to care for people and listen to their stories. I feel I am blessed with ability to relate to different types of people and love on them well. Obviously not on my own accord, but Christ in me. So, if you would care to join me in prayer about this that would be greatly appreciated. The thought of going back to school is both exciting and scary at the same time. Pray for clarity of thought and direction and ultimately God’s will to be done in my life. Also, financially I feel super scared. I was spoiled by going to C of O and not having any debt, so in some ways I am ahead of the game. In others, I would rather keep myself out of that debt. Ultimately I know God will provide at the right time the steps he wants me to take, and I have just recently signed another contract to be at Sight and Sound Next year. So this would be a process and there is time to make sure it is the right thing for me and what the Lord wants for my life.
So there it is, a little update on the state of affairs with Curtis Wilson. I am blessed beyond measure and truly loved and cared for by my God and the amazing friends and family he has placed in my life.
Today is the one year anniversary of me getting off my ship contract. A week before that point I was told that the relationship I was in at the time was over. One that I had fought so hard for and toiled so much to make work. I got of that ship broken, angry with God, and bitter. I was grieving a life that I had planned out and made my own. I was crushed by the thought of my plan not working and thinking “ Now what am I suppose to do?” I had hit rock bottom emotionally, spiritually, relationally. I thought that I would never move on, I would never, as Sarah Bariellies says, breath again. My how I was wrong. Today, one year later, I am crying after an amazing dinner with two mentors in my life Jim and Jennifer Freeman who have watched me make choice after choice, good and bad, but constantly redirected me back to Christ. My girlfriend Valerie Wilson has had a similar relationship with them. We ended the night with a prayer over Val and I, and rejoicing over all that God has done to heal and direct. To restore and provide. I would like to express some of the restoration Christ has brought in my life now. I am no longer in a position professionally where I have to decide weather to compromise my morals in order to have friends, or get roles. I am no longer disconnected from my family. The restoration that has happened with each member of my family has been amazing. My Dad is truly one of my best friends now. I can call him about anything under the sun and he will be there to give advice if he has any or pray for me. My mother is growing too. I am getting the opportunity to watch her let go of control over her life and allow God to work in and through her. It is such an encouragement to watch. My brother is so intentional now. He will often call and ask if I want to ride bikes or hang out. I feel like we are actually brothers now, and not just two guys who grew up together. I love him, and I appreciate him more and more. He and Chealse both. I am no longer running from the Lord and his will for my life, I am running toward him and yearning for more and more intimacy with my heavenly father. I desire his will for my life more than anything. A year ago, I was blinded by the lust of a relationship that was anything but healthy. Blinded by a lifestyle that only brings about death and disconnect. I was justifying the very toxin that was killing my spirit and removing me from the only life giving thing that I had, which is my relationship with Christ. Thank you Lord for stripping my of my sin and tearing away the brush I allowed to form around my heart. As hard as it has been, I am humbled and blessed by your grace and mercy in my life. Prodigal Sons everywhere will understand that humble feeling when you are embraced after deliberately doing what we know is not right or good. I am ok with being alone. I don’t have to have a relationship with someone to make me happy. I don’t have to have someone by my side affirming me and making me feel loved in order to feel those things. I am confident in Christ’s love for me and he shows that through various relationships in my life and in his word. My significance if found in him, and I pray in continues to grow in that way. I am able to have healthy boundaries with the friendships I do have and the strength to distance myself if I feel the Lord prompting me to do so. I am able to be in a healthy relationship. I have been blessed with an amazing relationship with Valerie Wilson. I wasn’t looking, I wasn’t seeking it out. I was content with where I was at, and then the Lord brings this amazing women into my life. No matter what happens in this relationship, the healing and restoration it has brought and the truth Christ has given through her, has been amazing and I am grateful and blessed. Happy almost 2 months ! J All these things are only possible through the amazing love and provision of my savior. I know this is super churchy and might be a turn off to some who read this, but I cannot boast in anything but the cross of Jesus Christ who died for this restoration to happen. Not just in my life, but yours too. After starting of the year wondering if I would ever ‘breath again’ I am realizing more and more that I’m breathing deeper than ever, and resting in the assurance of God’s plan for my life and trusting that he will be the one to do the work and guide me along the paths I should go. Thank you Lord for this year of growth and healing, I pray you will continue to grow me and guide me.
