But Those Are MY TOYS!!!!

     It is a snowy mess out there right now here in PA.  I have enjoyed just relaxing here at home though and using the time to kind of rest and recharge.  Add in some adventures with Charlie and I am set.  I had a great time catching up with my friend Jacob last night and just talking about friendships and how the Lord is challenging and growing us in different ways.  

    Something I was taking to Jacob about last night was the fact that  I have been so blessed recently to feel like I am finally connecting in my new environment after a year of kind of just wrestling with the Lord about moving to PA, and also just feeling like I was guarded and distant from people, I finally feel like I am connecting and enjoying some much needed community in my life. With that community though comes its own challenges.

     You know when you were a kid and you had YOUR toys and they were yours and you loved them and played with them all the time and they were gold to you.  Then one day someone comes up and wants to play with your toys and it feels like if they touch your toy in any way you won't get it back or if you do it will somehow be different because it won't be just YOUR toy anymore.  Such a childish feeling and emotion that you grow out of....but then it comes back in different areas as you reach adulthood.  Well, for me that comes out in friendships sometimes.  I have people in my life that I hold very close because they are so important to me.  There are people that I feel safe with and feel like I can be transparent and real with and not have to be "On" all the time.  Both new friends and old friends can fall into this category with me.  They are gold to me because I am such a relational person but I am also very guarded, so once you break through that I love you.haha   So when someone else tries to play with my toys, for lack of a better phrase, I start to get scared.  I start to get insecure.  "What if they like them better than me?"  "What if that person doesn't like me and says something mean that makes them not like me anymore?"  Etc. Etc.    Even writing this I cringe because I see how unhealthy and controlling this is.  Come on Curtis...you are almost 30 years old....build a bridge and get over it.  haha

     So, just like when you were a kid, you realized that just because someone else might play with your toys it doesn't mean that you can't still play with them too.  It doesn't mean that they will get broken and you won't get to play anymore.  It just means that there is more community.   It just means that you get to share the joy of having that friend with other people. Doesn't mean there isn't a time for intentional exclusive time...it just means that you have to let go of control.  When you try and control and manipulate friendship it is not really a friendship at all.  Its a dictatorship.  I think one of the biggest things that I learned last year was that community and friendship are a gift that should be cherished and held with an open hand.  Friendship is a mutual building of one another to be better and to encourage and challenge one another.  Friendship is sharing burdens and walking through the good and bad with someone.  The beauty of it is, when you let go and just trust the friend that you have been investing in, most of the time they feel the same way about you.  So all the worry and fear and anxiety about if they are going to stick around or if they will still be your friend if they connect with someone else are all the same feelings that they feel about you.  

   So, let go.  Stop micromanaging your friends.  Stop hoarding them to yourself to that no one else can enjoy and celebrate them.  Realize that the Lord is ultimately the one who nurtures the friendships in your life and he is the giver of these beautiful gifts.  So, enjoy your toys....but share.  Now lets go sledding!  

New Years Fears

So I have never been one for New Years resolutions.  I have seen so many people talking about them and hype them up and then totally disregard them when life starts in the New Year.  Its like everyone gets a gym membership and sets these amazing fitness goals and then after one week back at the job and back to normal life after the holiday buzz wears off and they are back to eating their Patti Labelle Pies....no judgement.....they are amazing.  I guess I just watched and knew that there would be failure and I didn't want to experience that in my own life so I just wouldn't make the resolution to change.  If I don't then I can't fail right?   
    This seams innocent enough I guess.  Who cares if you don't set a New Years resolution.  Lots of people don't.  I have noticed more and more though that I don't even set goals in my life.  I have nothing really that I am aiming for.  Nothing that I desire to happen for my life that I am working to achieve.  It is funny because I am looking back in the last several months and I feel like the Lord is calling me to do just that.  To set some goals.  To get some direction and purpose and work toward it.  
   I was sitting in my dressing room one day and my friend Steve Hershey looked at me after a spirited exchange of sarcasm and said...."Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"   To which I hemmed and hawed trying to think of the "right" answer to that.  I honestly had no clue.  I had no ambition no drive to be anything other than what I was currently and the thought of that was so unsettling to me.  
  Fast forward to New Years day this year.  I was with my friends Julie and Jenny and they were sharing their goals for 2016.  They were listing off these amazing things that they were working toward and I started to get jealous.  They asked me about mine and it was the same response that I gave my friend Steve.....I have no clue.....  
  Fast forward to yesterday, I am visiting a church in town and the pastor is talking about goals and purpose and says if we don't have goals or a direction in our lives then we are going to constantly be distracted from the path God has for us. Such a simple truth but one I needed to be reminded of.  There are things in my life that I get so angry at the Lord about.  Frustrated that things aren't changing or I am not growing at the rate I want or feel like I should be.  Thinking through all of that I realize that I am the one totally responsible for it.  I can shake my fist at the sky but I really should be setting legitimate goals for my life.  Goals to grow and to become closer to the Lord.  Goals to learn and become better.  Goals that I can do in a week, a month, a year, 5 years.  I have been traveling through life for so long with nothing more than a survival attitude and missing out on opportunities to thrive and to achieve and to ultimately have some peace that I yearn for.  
    So this whole long winded blog to say, Im making some goals this year.  I might fail and that totally scares me, but ultimately I will move forward which is still a victory.  So I guess my challenge to those of you that read this that are somewhat like me.  Lets push forward toward the Goals that God places in our lives and press into our savior Jesus who is our sustainer.  Lets encourage each other this year to be better and to move forward.  Lets speak life! Lets speak Love!  We are no longer slaves to FEAR! Lets achieve great things and bring glory to the one who has saved us!