Something I was taking to Jacob about last night was the fact that I have been so blessed recently to feel like I am finally connecting in my new environment after a year of kind of just wrestling with the Lord about moving to PA, and also just feeling like I was guarded and distant from people, I finally feel like I am connecting and enjoying some much needed community in my life. With that community though comes its own challenges.
You know when you were a kid and you had YOUR toys and they were yours and you loved them and played with them all the time and they were gold to you. Then one day someone comes up and wants to play with your toys and it feels like if they touch your toy in any way you won't get it back or if you do it will somehow be different because it won't be just YOUR toy anymore. Such a childish feeling and emotion that you grow out of....but then it comes back in different areas as you reach adulthood. Well, for me that comes out in friendships sometimes. I have people in my life that I hold very close because they are so important to me. There are people that I feel safe with and feel like I can be transparent and real with and not have to be "On" all the time. Both new friends and old friends can fall into this category with me. They are gold to me because I am such a relational person but I am also very guarded, so once you break through that I love you.haha So when someone else tries to play with my toys, for lack of a better phrase, I start to get scared. I start to get insecure. "What if they like them better than me?" "What if that person doesn't like me and says something mean that makes them not like me anymore?" Etc. Etc. Even writing this I cringe because I see how unhealthy and controlling this is. Come on Curtis...you are almost 30 years old....build a bridge and get over it. haha
So, just like when you were a kid, you realized that just because someone else might play with your toys it doesn't mean that you can't still play with them too. It doesn't mean that they will get broken and you won't get to play anymore. It just means that there is more community. It just means that you get to share the joy of having that friend with other people. Doesn't mean there isn't a time for intentional exclusive time...it just means that you have to let go of control. When you try and control and manipulate friendship it is not really a friendship at all. Its a dictatorship. I think one of the biggest things that I learned last year was that community and friendship are a gift that should be cherished and held with an open hand. Friendship is a mutual building of one another to be better and to encourage and challenge one another. Friendship is sharing burdens and walking through the good and bad with someone. The beauty of it is, when you let go and just trust the friend that you have been investing in, most of the time they feel the same way about you. So all the worry and fear and anxiety about if they are going to stick around or if they will still be your friend if they connect with someone else are all the same feelings that they feel about you.
So, let go. Stop micromanaging your friends. Stop hoarding them to yourself to that no one else can enjoy and celebrate them. Realize that the Lord is ultimately the one who nurtures the friendships in your life and he is the giver of these beautiful gifts. So, enjoy your toys....but share. Now lets go sledding!
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