I think I am in a constant state of learning. I think we all are. Thats the beauty of our journeys. No one ever fully arrives. No one ever has it all together and all perfect. So when we look at our relationships we see that learning curve in interesting ways sometimes.
I have been blessed with some amazing people in my life. I have journeyed for different seasons with different people and there are some who have remained a constant in my life. To those people I am beyond grateful. I can’t imagine getting through some of my lowest times without them. I can’t imagine celebrating some of the best times with them.
The thing with relationships, weather romantic or otherwise, is there is this huge risk involved that each person has to take in order for that relationship to grow. The first time you share your thoughts. The first time you open up about past mistakes. The first time you speak truth. The first time you disagree. Each things creates a bond if you choose to let it.
The kicker with the vulnerably is that you risk getting hurt. You risk putting your heart out there and then getting it bruised a bit. Rejection is a part of life and challenges us to grow and to become resilient. All of us have experienced its sting and all of us can probably point out a time where it propelled us forward to something else. To something that we were suppose to see.
Right now for me I am feeling the sting. That punch to the gut feeling of powerlessness. A risk was taken. Growth is happening and I am learning that the thing that stings the most is my constant state of fear. Fear of not being enough. Fear of not measuring up to a standard that I have placed on myself that is far too high. The fear that I can’t fix it.
As my friend Mina and I were talking the other day she hit me with some truth that applied to my life at the moment. My fear in reality is selfishness. I can’t fix anything. I can’t be anything to anyone. That is the Lords work. That is Christ in me. Nothing that I have to give on my own strength is worth it. So yes, I feel hurt. Yes, I feel like I am not enough. Yes I feel like I am broken. The truth is still the same though and will always be the same. No matter how broken I am, I am still made whole. No matter how much I don’t measure up I am still lifted. No matter how much I fail to fix, it is all redeemed. It is all covered by Jesus who paid the cost for all of that. Who looked at me…selfish and broken…and said….HE IS WORTHY OF LOVE! HE IS MY CREATION!
So today I still feel the sting, but I am trying not to be so afraid. I am trying to rest in the arms of the one who comforts better than anyone on this earth. Resting in the arms of the one who always is consistent. Resting in the arms of someone who truly loves me well and unconditionally.
Fear is a Liar. Jesus is Truth.
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