Anti- Social

Yesterday I decided to remove myself from social media.  To disconnect from the countless hours I have spent scrolling through my news feed.  Disconnecting from the jealousy of seeing other peoples lives that I want.  Disconnecting from the temptations that lurk around the corner waiting for you to stumble up on them.  Disconnecting from this amazing drug that hides underneath the guise of staying in contact with the ones you love.  I disconnected and now I am feeling the withdrawals.

    I am not saying that social media is bad because I think it can be used for so much good.  I am just saying for this period of undetermined time I need to remove it from my life in order to focus better.  To heal more fully.  To choose a new freedom in my life that only can be achieved by purging out the things that distract or discourage.  

    I think on this journey that I am on I get into this thought process that I can do it on my own.  I start to take things under my control.  I manage everything.  My emotions.  My relationships. My God.  Its a dangerous illusion to think that I can do that, but nevertheless it is there and appears so real.  I am now at a place in this cycle where I realize that I am not in control and in fact I feel out of control.  The feeling of disconnect.  Feeling a lack of trust. Feeling betrayed and hurt.  Feeling overwhelmed with emotions I don’t feel comfortable dealing with.  Feeling heartbroken from loss that I don’t understand.  The control I held onto so tightly has been ripped out of my hands.  

     The bittersweet beauty of this moment is that my hands are open and wounded from what has been torn away.  I am kneeling there  broken with open palms.  Then this amazing gentle savior comes and takes my wounded hands in his wounded hands.  As he mends the wounds and takes control I compare our scars and see the Love in his.  The deep sacrifice in his.  The intimate knowledge of what I am going through and how I am feeling.  The grace as he places the soothing balm on my worn skin.  Why do I fight so hard for control when I know the cycle leads to this hurt?

     Today is a day disconnected.  Today is day one of this new chapter, day one of this journey to trust again.  To love again.  To heal more fully.  To let go of constant control.  To lean into the father and embrace truth instead of scrolling through a news feed trying to find pseudo truth, pseudo comfort, pseudo control.  I WILL fail.  Life is a messy beautiful painting from a master craftsman who, if you let him, will create something more than you can imagine with the hurts and trials.  So, will you guys join me today in letting go.  Will you join me in attempting to trust more.  Lets start with today, and move on from there.  I have a feeling it will be worth it.