Swords and Hearts

Last week I went to the doctor.  Something I hate doing.  There is something about a doctors office that sends me on a tail spin of worries about my health or the health of those I love.  I have spent a decent amount of time in hospitals and usually it has been for hard situations.  Needless to say, not my favorite place.  This visit was no different. 

  I have been experiencing major chest pain.  The pain the grabs on and makes you feel like you are having a heart attack.  The first time I experienced it I felt like I was going to pass out.  It was the clenching around my heart that felt like it could explode at any moment.  True to form I decided to ride it out and just see if things got better.  They did as stress subsided for a bit and then it came back again several weeks later.  Multiple times I have experienced the same pain and finally I decided to listen to those I had shared this experience with and made an appointment.  

   

   I talk to the doctor and she was amazing.  She talked me through some of the stressors in my life.  She talked to me about the feeling I was having during my episodes.  She then suggested I get an EKG.  So I agreed.  Lots of wires were then attached to my body and I proceeded to lay there while they got a little bit of a view of my heart.  The doctor came back after everything and said that my heart looked healthy.  She said that stress can do strange things to our bodies and if we don’t learn how to focus it well then it could lead to literal damage to your heart among other things. 

    

My heart is healthy……but outside things are were making me feel like it wasn’t.  

    The power of peoples words is more than we fully realize.  I think we acknowledge it from time to time but over all people to make the conscious decision to think before they speak.  Before they condemn.  Before they express sarcasm or jabbing remarks.  We have a sword that is our tongues, and it is deadly.  

   

  My Literal heart has been affected by the stresses of my life lately.  From moving, to establishing a community back here in Branson.  From navigating family and friends and relationships.  I bought a house.  I had to buy a new car.  Im getting older.  All these things just kind of creeped up.  This in and of itself can cause stress.  Add in the fact that everyone has an opinion. Should you have bought that car?  Should you have bought that house?  Do you realize how much work there is?  You’re how old now?  Have you planned for retirement?  All are good intentioned questions.  Are you going to get married?  Should you be dating someone right now?  Maybe you just need to be single?  People want to be a part of your life so that express their feelings.  

  

   This is all well and good if there is a follow through.  I have some dear friends in my life that I can have very raw conversations with.  They are always there.  They are always loving and supportive.  They have no conditions on their love.  They express.  They support.  They love.  There is balance.  The stress comes in when those tough people come up and decide they know whats best.  They have all the answers and know that they are right.  Obviously……the person they are talking to hasn’t thought through their life.  Obviously…….they need someone to make sure they know the truth and I am going to be the one to tell them!  If I help the lowly then I will have raised myself up.   To quote a friend of mine” I think some people get so bored that they have to create situations to elevate themselves and their own self righteousness.”  We all fall into this trap unfortunately.  

    

   So, I’m sitting on the doctors table.  My heart is fine.  Its my focus thats off.  I have been focusing on what so many other people have been screaming.  I have been focused on all the disappointments or fears others have been laying on my shoulders.  I have lost track of that still small voice of the Lord saying…..You are loved…..you are mine……nothing and no one will take you from my hand…..I have you…..I will protect you…..I will sustain you.  The sweet sounds of peace from a heavenly father who is the king of intentionality and the king of unconditional love.  

   

    We are his children.  He is the perfect father.  He is the one sitting beside us on those nights where we question a path.  Where we question a relationship. Where we question our faith.  He is the one sitting there.  Not screaming condemnation…but affirming love and prompting our hearts to focus on him.  So weather it be your literal heart muscle that needs you to refocus, or your emotional heart muscle, its time to kindly refocus.  There might be situations that need fresh boundaries.  Its time to make them.  Your future depends on it.  

New Roots

Today I had the day off from work for a little self care/ yard work day.  I was planning on taking a little trip up to Pennsylvania but it didn’t work out but I kept a day to get some things done.  One of the main projects I was undertaking was digging up an old half dead bush in my front flower bed. 

This evergreen bush has so many dead sections that it really had no appeal at all.  I got out my shovels and a saw, then proceeded to start removing it. The roots were in so deep, even though I cut off the top section it still had much more that needed to be dug out.  I know this is cliche and has been used too many times to count, but it just made me remember all the stuff that has been planted in my life that just needs removed.  Good intentions thoughts and feelings that I allowed to grow and take root to where they choke out the good that the Lord might have had for me.  

   

I finally got this bush removed and took a quick trip to lowes to get the supplies I needed to plant something new.  I took the advice of my parents and chose Knock Out Roses.  I got three rose bushes and some cedar mulch and also some fresh soil.  I dug new holes and laid down new soil.  I put landscape fabric over it to protect it from weeds sprouting up and then used the mulch to hold in moisture and protect a little more from the elements.  Then I watered each of the bushes to allow them the sustenance they needed to take root.  

   

This old bush had been there for years.  There were left over roots still there that could potentially sprout up again.  At the end of the day though something new has been planted.  Something that can actually flourish and thrive.  Something that if cared for could produce a fragrance and a beauty that will far surpass what the half dead bush ever could.  

  

What “old bushes” have we been nurturing in our lives?  What things have we been holding on to in hopes that one day they will take root again and perhaps bring something back to life?  Is it not worth it to attempt something new?  Thats kind of where I am at right now.  After fighting for a bush that I had fought and nurtured for so long and seeing that it was always going to be half dead, it is time for me to plant something new.  Something beautiful.  Something that will take work, but in the end will knock out what came before it.  

Battlefield....Mailbox....?

    Today I tried to put a new mailbox up.  My current mailbox had a lid that fell off and was unfortunately run over by the mailman.  I tried to figure out a way to reattach it but it just kept falling off.  So I went to Lowes and bought a new box….then went back to Lowes because I needed a bracket to hold it, but they didn’t sell the kind I needed so I just bought a whole new post. 

   I got home and attached the mailbox to the arm and then proceeded outside to get the post ready.  I dug a hole….and kept hammering rocks.  I dug and dug and just wasn’t getting anywhere.  Then I started slamming the post into the ground hoping that I could get it to stay….but as soon as I tried to attach the box it immediately fell over.  So now I have a mailbox attached to a post….laying in my yard.  

    This is how life feels to me right now. 

Dramatic I know.  

   In all seriousness I feel like I am not receiving mail to my brain lately.  The mail I am getting is soggy and weathered because the door has fallen off protecting what I am receiving.  I love a good analogy.  So yes, I bought a new mailbox in the real world but today I also got one for my heart.  I have for some reason allowed insecurity and peoples opinions of me to distract me.  Ive allowed them to run over the door that protects what i take in.  

    Let me try another way of describing.  In the past year I have experienced a kind of freedom I never thought that i would have.  It isn’t a pretty, sparkly, kind of freedom.  It is the kind that is fought for in the trenches.  It is a battle worn freedom that at the end of the day is satisfying but requires some recovery.  I thought that as the Lord transitioned me back home to Branson that I would be walking into recovery time.  In some ways it Has been, but in a lot of ways new challenged and battles have been raised that I didn’t image.  It feels like I just fought off a pack of wolves and then right as i catch my breath another pack has come and sunk their claws into me.  

    People spreading lies and untruth in order to gain something.  People scoffing at something they don’t understand.  People trying to heal in their own way but then happen to cause hurt and shame.  Reminders of what was and what could have been.  Expectations and letting people down.  Each one a lash of the claws of the wolves that are circling trying to take down their prey.

Again, dramatic I know.

All this long ramble to say, I have allowed the lies that have been swirling and the insecurity attached to them to effect my day to day life.  I have been walking around like a zombie inside instead of embracing the fullness of life the Lord has so richly blessed me with.  I have put down my sword and shield and embraced the wounds instead of continuing to fight the battle.  It is so easy to remember the hard things, but just open your eyes to the vast riches that come from battles won.  So, I am taking some of those riches and Im getting a new mailbox….see what I did…full circle…..Only this time the mailbox will be anchored and not fall down.  The door will secure the truth inside and protect from anything other than that.  

    There will always be wolves prowling around, no matter where you go.  No matter if it is your “safe” place or not.  The thing of it is, we always have the armor of God.  We always have the power of the holy spirit, and we always have the redemption and victory of Christ.  Battle well my friends, I just picked my sword back up and am right there with you.