Make That Change

           Hello, fellow Covid Warriors! The past few months have been nothing short of historic.  So much has happened on a global level and also on a national level here in the United States.  Bringing the focus in even closer each of us has had the opportunity to reflect and come face to face with our own selves.  Quarantine brought about an opportunity to do the self-work that has been sitting on the shelf behind all the day to day activities we distract ourselves with.   The dust was thick on some areas of my own life and it took some hard conversations to bring things into better clarity of what the root of some issues are.  

When the shelter at home order came and quarantine began it felt like a mixture of anxiety and also a little bit of a much-needed pause was being ushered into my life.  This time of not being able to work, travel, or even interact with friends like normal left me feeling antsy in my own skin.  I didn’t feel comfortable sitting still because for the first time in a long time I had nothing to do but think.  Think about the journey I had been on and how I had chosen to function and morph as a result of it.  Those little adjustments that we make over time can end up creating a way of functioning that no longer even resembles us.  So then, in these moments of stillness, we are left to process that change and to take a long look in the mirror and address what we see.  I can hear my sweet friend Michael Jackson singing his famous words of “I’m starting with the man in the mirror…..”.   You’re welcome for the gift of that song being stuck in your head now.  

Starting with the man in the mirror for me came with the realization that I am a caretaker and a fixer.  It is my mission to fix and help everyone and every situation.  This might seem like a selfless thing, but the reality is….No matter how selfless the intention is…..I want something out of it.  At the end of the day by helping, knowing that I receive out of it.  The satisfaction of caring for someone well.  The knowing that I did my part and made an impact for the good of someone else.  None of this is bad, but when left unchecked it can become a monster.  It can morph into control and a word that I truly hate…..manipulation.  I cringe at that word because it just sounds gross to me, like the word moist.  Manipulation is something I have experienced far too much of and try and avoid at all cost.  In my avoidance of it, I believe that I had begun to unintentionally walk right into it.  This realization came from conversations with some people that are very close to me.  People whose opinion I value more than most and when the word manipulation came out of their mouths, I found myself arguing to defend myself.  In this arguing, I had to stop and take a moment to really process what that looked like.  Was I unintentionally manipulating?  Was I allowing myself to control situations by maneuvering in such a way that I got the outcome I wanted?  The answer was sadly, yes.  

I am terrified of losing things, specifically people. I try my best to be all that I can be for my friends, family, and relationships.  Having experienced loss of relationships in the past I kept finding myself weirdly desperate to try and hold on to what I had left.  The Curtis who was once confident and independent became scared and codependent.  I was scared of being alone.  Scared of being left again.  Scared of being hurt another time, in another way, and not knowing what that carnage would do to me.  So, as a result, I fixed.  I worked hard to make sure everyone was happy and taken care of.  All the while adjusting bits of myself in order to make that happen.  In 2018, when I decided to come out, I shed a layer of that.  The constantly trying to make sure everyone was happy with my life stopped, and I finally claimed the freedom of who I was.  This caused loss.  Tremendous loss.  It was the right decision to make, but one that came at a cost.  So, I got up and kept moving.  The thing is, I was an open wound.  

Open wounds, left untreated, lead to infection and sickness.  They can even get to a point where that unfortunate body part needs to be cut off.  If it no longer functions it needs to be cut off to prevent the spread of infection to other parts of the body.  The thing of it is, I didn’t want to cut off my hand.  I needed it.  How could I function without my hand? I loved my hand! Next things you know the hand is gone and I am left trying to function without one.  Well crap!  So, what does one do in order to prevent an infection from getting to that extent? Treat the problem.  My problem was…..and is….that I hold on too tight.  This holding on is controlling to those in my world.  It can be a form of manipulation.  I want so desperately to make everything ok, but is that me talking?  Or is that the fix it in me talking?  Is that the wound talking?  

So, I sit here typing away and reflecting on my grip.  Looking at this man in the mirror that has so much to offer and so much to give.  Looking at this man in the mirror who needs to heal and continue to grow and learn.  I have some truly beautiful relationships in my life.  I am blessed and so thankful for what I have, but at the end of the day I need to learn to loosen up.  The pattern of gripping onto things and not allowing the natural flow to happen is a sure-fire way to repeat the same mistakes and the same manipulation.  White knuckling these relationships won’t create health and growth, it will prevent life from getting in.  My fix it mentality and true desire to care for people has a place and can be a beautiful gift.  I think I am just learning more that I am not defined by it, and I am not in control of the outcomes of it.  

As this pandemic is starting to slow and people are returning to work, this time of stillness and reflection is coming to a close.  This forced reflection as a nation has brought about some amazing opportunities to change.  I just hope that we all don’t get so caught up getting back to business as usual that we forget that we can make the time for that stillness even now.  We need to make that time.  We need to continue to reflect and “make that change”  as Mr. Jackson said at the end of the song.