Prayer is something that is always evolving in my life. Always changing and growing and transitioning. I just finished a chapter in the bible study that I am doing with my love about prayer. It re-opened my eyes to how selfish I am in prayer. I am always saying give me, give me, give me. I often neglect the thought that this is me talking to my friend. This is communicating with a loved one, the most loved one in my life. So, why is it that I treat it less than any other friendship or relationship? Do I go up to my friends and constantly ask them for things? No. Do I call up my significant other and read off a list of requirements that I have for them? No. So why should I do that with my Lord?
Right now I am stressed out a bit. I am trying to figure out my next step with regards to a job. It feels like so many things tie into me getting a contract and I feel sometimes that if one thing doesn’t work out it will cause a domino effect in my life. I add so much pressure to a situation that is unnecessary. I know I am not in control of it, and that scares me even more. So, in this situation what do I pray for? Do I pray for a job? Do I pray that I get the exact contract that I want with the person I want? Or do I pray for God’s attitude in the situation? Do I pray that he will grant me peace that he is in control and allow me the blessing of seeing him move in my life? Obviously the latter prayers would be the healthiest, but also the hardest.
We are so hardwired growing up with a control mentality. We are the ones who get ourselves places. We are the ones who have to set things in motion in order for results to happen. We are in control of our destiny. Even in Christian homes we are taught this, but after all the trying to control our lives, we throw up a prayer asking for the things we are trying to control. We ask God to provide, but do we really expect him to? A lot of times, I act as though I don’t expect God to come through for me. In my situation now, my constant prayer is that the Lord would grow me in my trust in him. That he would make his love more real to me so that I will let go of control and allow him to truly move in my life. If I truly trust that God loves me that I can truly trust that he will take care of me and provide everything that I need. This is way way way easier said than done.
For the past week or so I have woken up almost every night with anxiety. I sit in bed for several hours trying to go back to sleep but the questions keep rolling through my head. What is next? Where will I go? What will become of me? So, just like anything that we struggle with I have to make the conscious effort to revert to what I know is truth. I know all the things listed above. That God has a plan for my life. That he loves me more than anything. That he is in control. That he faithful. That is merciful. That he forgives me. That he is just and holy. That he is everything. I am rocked back to sleep by truth. My back is being rubbed by God’s promises. My eyes can close knowing that I will wake up in the morning to a day planned out for me my the one who wants to transform me into my best. Into his best.
So, I will end this blog with a pray of my own. My friends out there that read this blog. Please pray for me. I would love and cherish your thoughts and prayers as I move into yet another transition time in my life.
Lord, I am anxious and unsure of the future. I am not sure which way to turn or where to go. I have a desire of what I want things to be, but I know that you have a plan that far surpasses my own. So Lord I ask that you please take my attitude. My attitude of fear and frustration, and transform it into an attitude of peace and submission to your will for my life. Lord please make you love real to me, and allow me to see glimpses of you moving in my life and others lives so that I can learn to trust your love for me more. I can’t control anything, no matter how hard I try Lord, so allow me the courage to lay down my burden of anxiety and rest in your peace. To rest in the assurance that you have a plan for me. That you will provide for me what I need, exactly when I need it. This is your life to mold and make, please allow me the patience to rest and believe that.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Friendships vs. Acquaintances
Sea days are becoming the bane of my existence. Cabin fever use to just be a song I heard on one of the Muppet Movies but now it is becoming more and more real to me. It feels like you are trapped and this was enhanced a bit today because we were informed that due to passenger complaints on having to wait in lines and such, the crew would be punished and not allowed to eat in the buffet area. Which leaves most people the only option of the crew or staff mess. In other words, cafeteria food…..and worse that what we grew up with in school This does not inspire a lot of joy from the crew especially on a sea day. Not only can we not get off the ship, we can’t eat where we want. Oh ship life.
I have also found that no matter how busy you keep yourself and how many lists you make of things to do there will always be more down time than you can fill. This leads me to missing my love. I don’t want to beat a dead horse about feeling that way, but it is true. I wish I were back home with my friends and loved ones. I wish I could spend quality time with my love and not have to worry about scheduling out time. Those conveniences that I took for granted when I was there.
I had a great talk with one of the nurses on the ship, Donna. We talked about how lonely a ship can be. I am not the incredibly outgoing type. I like to have fun and I don’t mind being silly from time to time, but that is with friends. People I know and am comfortable with. Being in a new surrounding I usually find people that I connect with. Then I invest time with them and try and grow that friendship. If it continues then of course that friendship will grow. On this ship it is hard because you see the cliques that people form. Everyone has their group of people, or just one person, that they tend to spend most of their time with. Breaking into these cliques and establishing a real friendship requires a lot of work. It is almost harder than high school trying to make strong friendships. Being surrounded by performers everyone is pretty good at putting on a nice smile and being friendly. Networking is part of our job, we are designed to interact with people. That makes it difficult, in some cases, to see what it someone really taking an interest in friendship and someone just getting close enough to you so that they can use you later. That is kind of a harsh way of putting it, but in reality that is what we do as performers. It isn’t so much about what you do, it is about who you know.
When did the word friend become so blasé that we throw it around to any new person that came into our lives. How is it honest to say , “Oh, my friend Tamika was in that show, she is great. Do you think you could give me a contact?” but in reality you have only maybe had 2 real conversations with that person. Is that really grounds for crossing over the line from acquaintance to friend?
I guess that means we need to know what the definition of friend is. According to the dictionary a friend is:
Have we settled is this day and age for shallow friendship that only satisfy for the moment. Have we lost the drive to really get to know people, to be transparent with people and learn what there heart is like, to truly fellowship with someone? Are we missing the boat?…..no pun intended. I think in some ways we are.
Thinking back on conversations with my great-grandparents and older people I admire I remember when they talk about their friends. These people were more like family to them. They knew these people. They invested in these people. They had a connection deeper that any acquaintance could offer. I remember my Great Grandma talking about one of her dear friends, Dawn I think was her name, and tears came to her eyes just talking about the good times they had together. She ended her conversation about Dawn saying that “She was like my sister.”
Quality over quantity. Every person is different and some people are able to balance more friendships. Those people I do keep up with are my true friends though. People that know me really well. They know the good and the bad. They have been there through it all. These people I consider my family. My brothers and sisters.
My challenge coming on this ship was to put myself out there more. To be open to new friendships and to not be so guarded. I am so glad that I am learning to be more open to people. That is a freeing thing for me. I still crave those true friendships though. Those people that you connect with, that get you. Those people that respect and love you and you respect and love them. I think the deeper lesson for me on this ship is that my true friendship that will always be there is with the Lord. That is very much a Sunday school answer, but it is true. On this ship the Lord placed the type of relationships I needed to grow me and to challenge me. He had a plan for my time here. I have been blessed with great deep close friendships at home and I have a couple close friends on the ship. This contract was not designed, I guess, for me to build more deep friendships. It was designed for me to reconnect with my best friend and my truly forever friend, Christ. So that being said. Does that excuse me from putting myself out there still? No. I think aside from reconnecting with Christ and I am learning that I can love on people and be real with people even if I am not super close with them. They do not have to be my close friend for me to share Christ’s love with them. I can still ask them about their lives. I can still laugh with them and enjoy their company. Even if it doesn’t get too deep.
I have always had the irrational fear of being left. Of being abandon and not having anything. I think this fear carries over to friendships. I guard myself and desire only deep friendships because I don’t like feeling disposable. With my close friends there is a lot invested in our friendships and it is not something that can be thrown away lightly. With acquaintances, I will almost always get left. Not that it is in any way maliciously, that is just what happens with people going in all different directions. They are in your life for a season and then move on. God had a plan for that brief moment and you have to leave it at that.
All this rambling to say, although I feel lonely a lot here. I am learning each day that no matter what, at the end of my day I can rest in the arms of my savior. I can lean on him and know that he is there always and forever and nothing will change that. I have the deepest most intimate relationship with him and that is enough, when I truly take advantage of it, to supply all my needs. That is the truest friendship I will ever experience.
I have also found that no matter how busy you keep yourself and how many lists you make of things to do there will always be more down time than you can fill. This leads me to missing my love. I don’t want to beat a dead horse about feeling that way, but it is true. I wish I were back home with my friends and loved ones. I wish I could spend quality time with my love and not have to worry about scheduling out time. Those conveniences that I took for granted when I was there.
I had a great talk with one of the nurses on the ship, Donna. We talked about how lonely a ship can be. I am not the incredibly outgoing type. I like to have fun and I don’t mind being silly from time to time, but that is with friends. People I know and am comfortable with. Being in a new surrounding I usually find people that I connect with. Then I invest time with them and try and grow that friendship. If it continues then of course that friendship will grow. On this ship it is hard because you see the cliques that people form. Everyone has their group of people, or just one person, that they tend to spend most of their time with. Breaking into these cliques and establishing a real friendship requires a lot of work. It is almost harder than high school trying to make strong friendships. Being surrounded by performers everyone is pretty good at putting on a nice smile and being friendly. Networking is part of our job, we are designed to interact with people. That makes it difficult, in some cases, to see what it someone really taking an interest in friendship and someone just getting close enough to you so that they can use you later. That is kind of a harsh way of putting it, but in reality that is what we do as performers. It isn’t so much about what you do, it is about who you know.
When did the word friend become so blasé that we throw it around to any new person that came into our lives. How is it honest to say , “Oh, my friend Tamika was in that show, she is great. Do you think you could give me a contact?” but in reality you have only maybe had 2 real conversations with that person. Is that really grounds for crossing over the line from acquaintance to friend?
I guess that means we need to know what the definition of friend is. According to the dictionary a friend is:
Have we settled is this day and age for shallow friendship that only satisfy for the moment. Have we lost the drive to really get to know people, to be transparent with people and learn what there heart is like, to truly fellowship with someone? Are we missing the boat?…..no pun intended. I think in some ways we are.
Thinking back on conversations with my great-grandparents and older people I admire I remember when they talk about their friends. These people were more like family to them. They knew these people. They invested in these people. They had a connection deeper that any acquaintance could offer. I remember my Great Grandma talking about one of her dear friends, Dawn I think was her name, and tears came to her eyes just talking about the good times they had together. She ended her conversation about Dawn saying that “She was like my sister.”
Quality over quantity. Every person is different and some people are able to balance more friendships. Those people I do keep up with are my true friends though. People that know me really well. They know the good and the bad. They have been there through it all. These people I consider my family. My brothers and sisters.
My challenge coming on this ship was to put myself out there more. To be open to new friendships and to not be so guarded. I am so glad that I am learning to be more open to people. That is a freeing thing for me. I still crave those true friendships though. Those people that you connect with, that get you. Those people that respect and love you and you respect and love them. I think the deeper lesson for me on this ship is that my true friendship that will always be there is with the Lord. That is very much a Sunday school answer, but it is true. On this ship the Lord placed the type of relationships I needed to grow me and to challenge me. He had a plan for my time here. I have been blessed with great deep close friendships at home and I have a couple close friends on the ship. This contract was not designed, I guess, for me to build more deep friendships. It was designed for me to reconnect with my best friend and my truly forever friend, Christ. So that being said. Does that excuse me from putting myself out there still? No. I think aside from reconnecting with Christ and I am learning that I can love on people and be real with people even if I am not super close with them. They do not have to be my close friend for me to share Christ’s love with them. I can still ask them about their lives. I can still laugh with them and enjoy their company. Even if it doesn’t get too deep.
I have always had the irrational fear of being left. Of being abandon and not having anything. I think this fear carries over to friendships. I guard myself and desire only deep friendships because I don’t like feeling disposable. With my close friends there is a lot invested in our friendships and it is not something that can be thrown away lightly. With acquaintances, I will almost always get left. Not that it is in any way maliciously, that is just what happens with people going in all different directions. They are in your life for a season and then move on. God had a plan for that brief moment and you have to leave it at that.
All this rambling to say, although I feel lonely a lot here. I am learning each day that no matter what, at the end of my day I can rest in the arms of my savior. I can lean on him and know that he is there always and forever and nothing will change that. I have the deepest most intimate relationship with him and that is enough, when I truly take advantage of it, to supply all my needs. That is the truest friendship I will ever experience.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Days of our Birth
So, yesterday was my brother’s birthday and also my love’s birthday. Birthdays are such a weird celebration. For some they are just another day. For others it is a big celebration that must be celebrated with fireworks and fanfare. Then there is a middle group of people who don’t care either way. I think most of these are slightly determined by either you age and or gender. In any event, I usually land in the middle group. Some birthdays I think deserve a bit of excitement and others I would just rather keep low key. No matter what though, I think on birthdays you are meant to be surround by friends or family. To be around the people who love you and care for you. It is a nice reminder once a year that people are glad that you are alive and because you are alive you have impacted their lives.
I am use to being away from my brother on his birthday. His is one of the only birthdays in my family that I actually remember. I will usually call and sing a soothing rendition of happy birthday for him which he loves. Haha. Then if I am in town we might go to dinner or something as a family. I am use to, at this point, not being around though. He knows I love him and how much I appreciate him and that is that. We have never been the most sentimental of brothers, although I wish we were sometimes.
Being away from my love yesterday was a bit hard. To be able to celebrate and spoil that special someone on their special day is something that I love to do. To spend that quality time with them and remind them over and over how much you care for them is something I missed out on doing. Of course I did all of those things from afar, but it just wasn’t the same for me, and my heart was heavy a little. This whole long distance thing is always a challenge in some way. I am so proud of my relationship and how God has really blessed and maintained it while we have been apart. There are just little times like birthdays, or parties, or gathering of friends that you wish you could be a part of with them. To be there having fun with them again and enjoying just Being there. Around the person. In the same place. Being able to glance across a crowded room, and be talking to totally different groups or people, and shoot a wink to your other half. Little things like that, that fill your heart. At least mine anyway. These are things that I am looking so forward to when I get home. To be able to enjoy those little moments that we take for granted.
Today was a quite day for me. I walked around Sydney, Nova Scotia and had a lot of time to think. Days like this are great sometimes, and other times they are hard. Today was kind of a mix. I enjoyed the simplicity of my day and the town that I was in. It kind of just slowed me down a bit and allowed me to breath and remember to take time and enjoy where I am at right now, and not get to far ahead me myself. On the other end of things it was one of those days that I wish I could have been exploring with my bestie. We made the most out of even a silly town like Pigeon Forge, and had fun exploring and enjoying the better things the area had to offer. So, when I am walking, especially on my own, I think about how much fun it would be, to be doing this with my love. Exploring a place that neither of us has been and enjoying the history, food, and culture of the city we are in.
In order to put myself in perspective, and not get too wrapped up in the Debbie downer part of my day, I made a note of how long I have left in my contract. 6 more weeks after this one. That’s it. Then I am done and back on land. Able to drive my car, be with friend, celebrate the holidays with loved ones. 6 weeks. That is no time at all. Of course once I reach that point there will be a whole other set of things to deal with, but for now. I will rest in the fact that I am done soon. I can enjoy my time and trust that the Lord will finish up all the loose ends that are out there right now. I can also rejoice in the fact that I once said I would never do long distance and kicked and screamed that I couldn’t do it, and now look at where we are. 4 months apart, and I feel like I love, and am more at peace with my relationship than ever. I feel like we both have grown and matured. I feel like we both realized some things we were taking for granted. I feel like we are even better at communicating than we already were. I feel good. J
So, in saying these things, I am blessed because my love was born. I have been touched because of that life coming into this world and the Lord is using that to grow me and teach me. I am so thankful for you my love. Happy Birthday, and hopefully next year I can have the blessing of celebrating it with you again.
I am use to being away from my brother on his birthday. His is one of the only birthdays in my family that I actually remember. I will usually call and sing a soothing rendition of happy birthday for him which he loves. Haha. Then if I am in town we might go to dinner or something as a family. I am use to, at this point, not being around though. He knows I love him and how much I appreciate him and that is that. We have never been the most sentimental of brothers, although I wish we were sometimes.
Being away from my love yesterday was a bit hard. To be able to celebrate and spoil that special someone on their special day is something that I love to do. To spend that quality time with them and remind them over and over how much you care for them is something I missed out on doing. Of course I did all of those things from afar, but it just wasn’t the same for me, and my heart was heavy a little. This whole long distance thing is always a challenge in some way. I am so proud of my relationship and how God has really blessed and maintained it while we have been apart. There are just little times like birthdays, or parties, or gathering of friends that you wish you could be a part of with them. To be there having fun with them again and enjoying just Being there. Around the person. In the same place. Being able to glance across a crowded room, and be talking to totally different groups or people, and shoot a wink to your other half. Little things like that, that fill your heart. At least mine anyway. These are things that I am looking so forward to when I get home. To be able to enjoy those little moments that we take for granted.
Today was a quite day for me. I walked around Sydney, Nova Scotia and had a lot of time to think. Days like this are great sometimes, and other times they are hard. Today was kind of a mix. I enjoyed the simplicity of my day and the town that I was in. It kind of just slowed me down a bit and allowed me to breath and remember to take time and enjoy where I am at right now, and not get to far ahead me myself. On the other end of things it was one of those days that I wish I could have been exploring with my bestie. We made the most out of even a silly town like Pigeon Forge, and had fun exploring and enjoying the better things the area had to offer. So, when I am walking, especially on my own, I think about how much fun it would be, to be doing this with my love. Exploring a place that neither of us has been and enjoying the history, food, and culture of the city we are in.
In order to put myself in perspective, and not get too wrapped up in the Debbie downer part of my day, I made a note of how long I have left in my contract. 6 more weeks after this one. That’s it. Then I am done and back on land. Able to drive my car, be with friend, celebrate the holidays with loved ones. 6 weeks. That is no time at all. Of course once I reach that point there will be a whole other set of things to deal with, but for now. I will rest in the fact that I am done soon. I can enjoy my time and trust that the Lord will finish up all the loose ends that are out there right now. I can also rejoice in the fact that I once said I would never do long distance and kicked and screamed that I couldn’t do it, and now look at where we are. 4 months apart, and I feel like I love, and am more at peace with my relationship than ever. I feel like we both have grown and matured. I feel like we both realized some things we were taking for granted. I feel like we are even better at communicating than we already were. I feel good. J
So, in saying these things, I am blessed because my love was born. I have been touched because of that life coming into this world and the Lord is using that to grow me and teach me. I am so thankful for you my love. Happy Birthday, and hopefully next year I can have the blessing of celebrating it with you again.
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