Sea days are becoming the bane of my existence. Cabin fever use to just be a song I heard on one of the Muppet Movies but now it is becoming more and more real to me. It feels like you are trapped and this was enhanced a bit today because we were informed that due to passenger complaints on having to wait in lines and such, the crew would be punished and not allowed to eat in the buffet area. Which leaves most people the only option of the crew or staff mess. In other words, cafeteria food…..and worse that what we grew up with in school This does not inspire a lot of joy from the crew especially on a sea day. Not only can we not get off the ship, we can’t eat where we want. Oh ship life.
I have also found that no matter how busy you keep yourself and how many lists you make of things to do there will always be more down time than you can fill. This leads me to missing my love. I don’t want to beat a dead horse about feeling that way, but it is true. I wish I were back home with my friends and loved ones. I wish I could spend quality time with my love and not have to worry about scheduling out time. Those conveniences that I took for granted when I was there.
I had a great talk with one of the nurses on the ship, Donna. We talked about how lonely a ship can be. I am not the incredibly outgoing type. I like to have fun and I don’t mind being silly from time to time, but that is with friends. People I know and am comfortable with. Being in a new surrounding I usually find people that I connect with. Then I invest time with them and try and grow that friendship. If it continues then of course that friendship will grow. On this ship it is hard because you see the cliques that people form. Everyone has their group of people, or just one person, that they tend to spend most of their time with. Breaking into these cliques and establishing a real friendship requires a lot of work. It is almost harder than high school trying to make strong friendships. Being surrounded by performers everyone is pretty good at putting on a nice smile and being friendly. Networking is part of our job, we are designed to interact with people. That makes it difficult, in some cases, to see what it someone really taking an interest in friendship and someone just getting close enough to you so that they can use you later. That is kind of a harsh way of putting it, but in reality that is what we do as performers. It isn’t so much about what you do, it is about who you know.
When did the word friend become so blasé that we throw it around to any new person that came into our lives. How is it honest to say , “Oh, my friend Tamika was in that show, she is great. Do you think you could give me a contact?” but in reality you have only maybe had 2 real conversations with that person. Is that really grounds for crossing over the line from acquaintance to friend?
I guess that means we need to know what the definition of friend is. According to the dictionary a friend is:
Have we settled is this day and age for shallow friendship that only satisfy for the moment. Have we lost the drive to really get to know people, to be transparent with people and learn what there heart is like, to truly fellowship with someone? Are we missing the boat?…..no pun intended. I think in some ways we are.
Thinking back on conversations with my great-grandparents and older people I admire I remember when they talk about their friends. These people were more like family to them. They knew these people. They invested in these people. They had a connection deeper that any acquaintance could offer. I remember my Great Grandma talking about one of her dear friends, Dawn I think was her name, and tears came to her eyes just talking about the good times they had together. She ended her conversation about Dawn saying that “She was like my sister.”
Quality over quantity. Every person is different and some people are able to balance more friendships. Those people I do keep up with are my true friends though. People that know me really well. They know the good and the bad. They have been there through it all. These people I consider my family. My brothers and sisters.
My challenge coming on this ship was to put myself out there more. To be open to new friendships and to not be so guarded. I am so glad that I am learning to be more open to people. That is a freeing thing for me. I still crave those true friendships though. Those people that you connect with, that get you. Those people that respect and love you and you respect and love them. I think the deeper lesson for me on this ship is that my true friendship that will always be there is with the Lord. That is very much a Sunday school answer, but it is true. On this ship the Lord placed the type of relationships I needed to grow me and to challenge me. He had a plan for my time here. I have been blessed with great deep close friendships at home and I have a couple close friends on the ship. This contract was not designed, I guess, for me to build more deep friendships. It was designed for me to reconnect with my best friend and my truly forever friend, Christ. So that being said. Does that excuse me from putting myself out there still? No. I think aside from reconnecting with Christ and I am learning that I can love on people and be real with people even if I am not super close with them. They do not have to be my close friend for me to share Christ’s love with them. I can still ask them about their lives. I can still laugh with them and enjoy their company. Even if it doesn’t get too deep.
I have always had the irrational fear of being left. Of being abandon and not having anything. I think this fear carries over to friendships. I guard myself and desire only deep friendships because I don’t like feeling disposable. With my close friends there is a lot invested in our friendships and it is not something that can be thrown away lightly. With acquaintances, I will almost always get left. Not that it is in any way maliciously, that is just what happens with people going in all different directions. They are in your life for a season and then move on. God had a plan for that brief moment and you have to leave it at that.
All this rambling to say, although I feel lonely a lot here. I am learning each day that no matter what, at the end of my day I can rest in the arms of my savior. I can lean on him and know that he is there always and forever and nothing will change that. I have the deepest most intimate relationship with him and that is enough, when I truly take advantage of it, to supply all my needs. That is the truest friendship I will ever experience.
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