End of the Year Thoughts

     

I have started writing this several times now and I am not really sure what I am wanting to say here.  There wasn't anything that was totally life changing that happened to me this year.  I guess that is a good thing maybe.  A year of peace can be nice, but it wasn't necessarily smooth sailing.  I think that is the beauty of the journey though.  We are constantly growing and being challenged in little and big ways transform us into the people we are suppose to be.  The people God is shaping and growing us into. 

      

     This year was the year of ailments for me.  I have never in my life felt so broken physically.  From breaking my foot.  To achy ankles and feet and back.  To feeling like I was losing my voice.  All these things I use for my lively hood and to have them feel not secure was shaking me.  Challenging where I have placed my significance.  It was humbling and growing.  I know I just turned thirty this year but it was a sobering fact to think that I am getting older.  

     

    This year was also filled with people coming in and out of my life.  From dear friends moving away to maintaining the relationships with friends miles away back home in Missouri.  From setting up boundaries to walking away from relationships that needed to be walked away from to continue me on the journey I have been placed.  I value relationships more the most anything so this was probably the most challenging bit of 2016 for me.  To continue to build community in the new place I am living.  To put myself out there and be vulnerable in order to build authentic friendships.  To realize that some people are just out to use and discard what you bring, and others are there to walk along side and journey with and sharpen.  I have been blessed with some amazing friendships and also blessed with some amazing growing opportunities in learning how to be a better friend and how to not allow relationships that aren't healthy to stay.  

    

      This year I have have had the blessing of getting to spend some quality time with family visiting up in Pennsylvania.  I have been blessed to see my family through fresh eyes and the Lord has been faithful to restore and grow parts of those relationships that needed some help.  I feel like there is more understanding and more grace.  I am so thankful for the growth that I have seen in my Dad and I’s relationship.  Not that things were horrible but I think we are similar creatures and emotions can get lost in the mix.  Im blessed to be able to talk and share and journey with my Dad more than ever now.  

     

      I think overall those are the highlights for me this year.  I think the beauty of what the Lord does in our lives is that it most times is the subtle undercurrent the directs the flow of our lives and if we are sensitive to it, and not fight the direction it is prompting, we will see blessing and growth that is waiting.  I have fought that current at many points this year, no surprise from this stubborn man, but I am thankful the Lord brought me through this year and grew me for the better.  I am blessed with so so much and thankful for the Lords provision in literally every part of my life.  Cheers my friends to the end of this year.  I pray Gods blessing over the final hours of 2016 and pray that next year is filled with Joy, Peace, Growth, Learning, and Freedom!  You are all so Loved!  Rest in that!

Bitter Roots

     It is the Holiday season and things are in full swing right now. The buying of gifts and the hustling from Christmas Party to Christmas Party.  Laughter and merriment are being dished out like a grandpa giving out Werthers originals.  (I am craving one of those right now….hence the reference.)

     

       In the midst of all that, we are wrapping up another season of the show that I am currently in.  My body is tired, my spirit is tired.  I feel beaten up especially this season for some reason.  I have never been more ready for a few weeks off coming in January.  

     

       I think the reason I am so worn down is growing pains.  This year has brought a lot of stuff to the surface in my life.  Good, bad, and very Ugly.  So many areas of growth and change.  So many relationships that brought about great joy and also mountains of heart ache.  I think I made a choice at some point this season to allow some of the bitter seeds to take root, and as a result there is a vine of anger that has grown and wraps itself around the joy that is still in great supply in my life.  Blinding me from actually seeing what amazing blessings the Lord has given me this year.  

     

     I think the lesson I am learning now as I am trying to tear down this vine that has over grown, is that although it may seem just like one little seed of bitter or jadedness, that seed grows quickly and quietly.  I didn’t keep it in check.  I didn’t pull the weed out when I noticed it getting a little bit bigger I just let it go.  Brushing it aside thinking that I would deal with it later.  Well later is finally here and I have a lot more work to do. 

     

      I think when we gain freedom in our lives it is scary.  I think to be let out of chains or out into a world that is free of the struggles that we once had we don’t know quite how to function.  Its like learning to walk again.  Fear sets in and rather than just taking the first two steps and not being afraid of falling a couple times as you learn to walk, we create new chains.  Thats what I have done. 

   

      Restoration is a word that has been used so much in my life.  Just thrown around in hope filled conversations about how things will be.  Never fully believing it will happen, but it would make me feel better for a bit….and then I would just repeat my encouragement mantras and keep trucking along.  I feel like this season I have experienced some real restoration though.  It is such a gift and it is scary and vulnerable and shaky but it is real and it is precious.  

    

      So now, in this season that is filled with the reminders of Gods grace in sending his Son Jesus for us, I am reminded that I am blessed.  That I am forgiven.  That I am redeemed.  That I am chosen.  That I am free!  We all are.  Today, I am pulling down one of the bitter vines that has over grown.  I am looking at the gift of restoration the Lord has given my heart and tossing this first section of withered dead vines to the fire.  There is a process left to do.  Some of the roots have gone deeper than I thought, but the work has begun and with God grace it will continue to be.  

   

     So as this Christmas quickly approaches, I want to say thank you to a savior who loves me.  To a family who has been through so much but the Lord has held together by his amazing Grace.  To friends who have become dear family to me and have constantly redirected my back to Christ.  I am blessed!  This bag of bitter seeds that I still carry with me I am emptying out this morning into the trash and grabbing a spoon full of sugar cookie dough from the fridge because….why not!  Merry Christmas y’all.  Love you guys!

Light It Up

     So This morning i was out walking my dog Charlie and I couldn’t help but notice the nature around me.  Fall is in full swing here in Pennsylvania and the leaves are changing colors and putting on a show that I love to watch every year.  Fall is one of my favorite seasons.  Something about it just brings peace and rest.  Cozy clothes.  Warm colors.  Hot drinks.  I love it.

  

     I was walking early enough this morning that the sun wasn’t totally out when I first started.  As we were walking the sun started peaking its head over the buildings I was around and little by little lighting up the trees.  It was as though the trees were lit on fire once the light touched them.  The colors that were somewhat dull were transformed into stunning vibrant shades or orange, yellow, and red.  I just stopped for a moment at a particularly beautiful tree and just watch it come to life in front of me.  

   

    Then I started thinking about what fall is.  Everything is dying.  Its finishing its life cycle and preparing to start a new one in the spring.  What I found beautiful this morning in watching this tree is that in the midst of death there was life.  In the midst of the leaves that were dying, once the sun hit them, they were brilliant and alive!  They were reflections of the sun itself in the beauty and light of their colors.  

   

    I think this is also true for us.  Its true for me anyway.  We are all dead in our sin.  We are walking wounded people.  Everyone has baggage and hurts and struggles and pains.  Everyone has seasons in their life that are so so hard.  The beauty of the savior we have is that he is the light.  He is the sun shining on the death that brings it to life.  He sets our lives on fire into beautiful stunning creations that bring glory to him because he is in the business of Life and of Light.  

    

     I think we sometimes get so caught up in the game of right and wrong and how good of a person I can be and what list of things can I accomplish in order to be approved of or loved.  The fact of the matter is……He is the good in us.  He is the approval we need.  He is the Love that sustains.  The rest is just dying leaves that are withered on the ground.  He transforms our dead and dying hearts into living vibrant creations!  

    

    So as I sip my warm coffee in my cozy jacket I am thankful for the Light the Lord is shining in my life.  I am thankful for how he has transformed many areas of my life from dying leaves to vibrant colors.  I am thankful that in the midst of hardship and struggle and day to day life I can see the fire..the life..the love that comes from a savior who is in the details of our lives.  Im Thankful that he is working in all of your lives as well.  I pray we all have eyes to see the beauty, the life, the Light!

Little Sparrow

     
     So, a couple days ago I was sitting in my room reading and my dog Charlie jumped down from being nestled beside me and ran up to the attic.  I didn’t think much of it because he normally will move if he hears another dog or something that requires his investigation.  All of a sudden though I hear a crash up stairs and realize there is more than just a curiosity of whats outside going on.  He was trying to get at something.  

    After I climbed the stairs I see this poor bird had flown into the attic through one of the two small windows up there.  It was stuck in one section of the room desperately trying to figure out how to avoid the brute of a dog that had only one thing on his mind…its a toy.  Or maybe two things…he was probably thinking it was food as well.  

    I got charlie out of the room and came back upstairs with a towel and tried to figure out the best way to get this little guy free.  I slowly went up to it.  Letting the towel hang lose and then gently went around the bird.  It tried to get away at first but then resigned itself to what was about to happen.  I gently carried it to the window and set on the edge.  It sat there for a moment, I assume trying to get it bearings, then flew away. 

   I got to thinking about that whole situation through the lens of my own life.  I like to think that the Lord is an artist and loves to find creative ways to teach us new things or remind us of truth. Using his creation as tools. In this situation I was reminded of how I am so much like that bird.  

   I am ultimately set free because of what Christ did on the cross, but in the midst of my journey living in this freedom sometimes I put myself in positions to be in bondage yet again.  I fly into a place that seems inviting and then find a predator there waiting for me.  There are whole chapters of my life where I can look back and see that I was flying around a room desperate for freedom but kept getting distracted by this thing or that thing.  Thats when the Father steps in and gently brings me back to truth.  Brings me back to freedom. I feel like I am kind of in one of those seasons right now.  There is so much uncertainty with so many different aspects of my life that I just want to hide, but I can’t because life keeps moving and decisions have to be made.  Just like the Bird trying to make decisions of how to get outta there. 

   I think there is an automatic fear with uncertainty.  The constant what am I going to do if this doesn’t happen?  How am I going to pay this?  Will I always be alone?  What is my future?  Will I be on the streets?  Being in theater and also an emotional being my "what if" thoughts can take me on quite the roller coaster.  

   I think if we stop and listen though there is some beauty in the uncertainty.  Just like that little bird had to stop in order for me to hold it and carry it to freedom, I too have to be still enough for the Father to take hold of those fears and free me from them.  In stead of trying to figure out a way out and constantly try and game plan like the bird was trying to find that window, sometimes we just have to be still and let the Lord show us the path out…even if it means him carrying us.   I find myself leaning more and more on the Lord carrying me. There is so much noise in the world.  So much distraction.  I find myself craving the quiet and stillness.  

    I don’t know where that Bird went after I set it free.  What new adventures it went on or how it provided for itself.  God knows our path though.  He has provision waiting for us.  He has a purpose and plan.  The cliches are rolling here but I know that he is in the details of it all because I have experienced it in my own life time and time again.  God is good.  So be still.  Let him carry you if you need to be carried.  Let him sit with you if you need to be comforted.  He is Good.  He is peace that passes all understanding and he just wants to share that with us.  

Broken Foot and Lifted Spirits

    

    On June 20th I was doing what I love to do more than most anything in the world, which is performing on stage.  I loved what I was doing but my heart just seemed out of it and weary though.  From my own personal struggles to watching friends face things that I wished I could take from them, I just felt weight.  I remember countless prayers that I lifted for answers, for direction.

   So that day started just like any other.  I was doing my track and finished the first show and made it a little way into the second show and one of my worst fears as an actor happened.  I got injured on stage.  I had broken my foot at the beginning of a scene and a mixture of “the show must go on” and pain rushed over me.  I was going through a mental check list of what I needed to do and finally got off stage and the bad news came that I would need to go to the hospital.  

   I felt horrible.  I felt a huge wave of guilt that I was letting everyone down come over me.  I was heart broken.  I dance, this is my livelihood and now I am sidelined.  I went to the urgent care and was told that I might have to have a screw put in my foot which would potentially prevent me from fully dancing again.  So many thoughts rushing as medical terms and game plans for recovery were being thrown at me.  I remember thinking “Lord, what are you doing to me?”   

    Then I got an email from Katie Miller reaching out to encourage me, knowing that this would be a difficult thing for me to face.  She said that she felt like there was something in this for me.  That the Lord had good for me in the midst of feeling like my world had just been shaken up pretty good.  She was right!

    I went to the orthopedic surgeon the next day and was told that thankfully I didnt need surgery.  He went on to say that the muscles and ligaments were strong enough and flexible enough that it literally just allowed the bone to break and then popped it right back into place.  There was no sprain, to tearing, nothing but the broken bone itself.  It was a miracle.  

   Although this was great news it still didn’t get me back in the show the next day.  I was put in an air cast and told I couldn’t do the show for 4 weeks so the bone could heal back. I was being forced to be still! NOOOOO!

   I started the first day back at work learning to call the show with Amberlee Barker.  I put on my positive attitude and my smile and faced the day.  Inside I was hurting, seeing my fellow cast mates have to cover my track.  Knowing what it feels like to have extra things added to an already exhausting show.  I felt guilty.  I felt shame.  Add onto that the ache of watching my friends doing the show while I sat wishing I could just get up and dance again.  Discouragement was thick in my heart and head. Thankfully, the Lord is so good and knows me so well.  He is a God of little details.   

    I put on my headset and started my journey of learning a different side of theater that I hadn’t experienced much of.  I was in the booth with Mel Lewis, Amberlee, Curt, and Terri.  Mel is the best at encouragment.  “Excellent Well!” is her response most days when you ask how she is doing.  Amberlee is just an authentic human who loves hearing peoples stories.  She desires to truly know people and their hearts and serve them where they are at.  She also really loves theater! Curt is a brother who I just enjoy being around, and Terri is a machine and not only was she good at her job, she cared for people at the same time.  Each of these individuals were used to turn my discouraged heart back into the encouraged and hopeful one that it was.  Each day learning and laughing and sharing I grew to know and love them more than I ever had before.  I realized how much they do, how much they care, and their hearts for not just their jobs but for the Lord and serving others.  It was awesome.  

   In the midst of learning I got the chance to interact more with the house staff than I normally had.  They are Artists!  From fashion designers, to photographers, to musicians. Each of them has an amazing story and feel called here.  I was looking at my own situation discouraged because I couldn’t do what I love every day, and then I encountered these amazing people who could literally be successful thriving artists, but feel called right now to serve in this way in this time.  I was humbled. 

   Im hearing techs working so hard to make the show run smoothly so that we as actors can function on stage without fear.  I am surround by a building full of people, functioning for one purpose, and that is to bring Glory to God.  Getting an opportunity to step outside my normal situation and see a glimpse of the church.  Many parts forming one body to accomplish our mission.  I never would have truly gotten to see that if I hadn’t broken my foot.  

   Fast forward a bit and I was given the opportunity to continue doing my work while injured at the Branson theater which is where I started.  Branson is home for me.  I grew up just north of there.  I got to Branson and was reunited with the community I love so dearly there.  I got blessed by my grandparents to stay in their cabin while there which was void of internet and tv.  I would be disconnected!  

   I was encouraged, challenged, and filled by people that know me very well.  My heart was full, but torn.  Both locations have become home for me.  We have two theaters with very different dynamics, but both have a heart for Jesus.  Half way through my time in Branson I was sitting in the cabin I was staying in and having my quiet time.  The stillness of being disconnected created a bit of anxiety in me.  I had no where to hide.  I couldn’t hide behind my show, I could hide behind distractions.  I was bare and exposed before the Lord.  My fears and struggles and heart aches all just came rushing to the surface.  

    I love to encourage people and Love people.  My goal and desire is to make people feel supported and heard.  I would rather help someone else than deal with my own issues.  In this still time I finally was forced to do that.  Forced to lay my baggage down and get some healing for my heart.  Forced to admit that I can’t do it all, I can’t be there for everyone all the time. Forced to admit that I have needs and that that is ok.  I began to sob because for the first time in awhile I felt the weight lifted.  I felt like I could breath again.   He Restores My Soul!

    After spending quality time with my friends and precious time with my Family I left Branson and came back to Pennsylvania.  I came back with fresh eyes and a lighter heart.  I came back worshiping a God who knows just what we need when we need it.  

    I am now out of my air cast and slowly getting back into the show. I am beyond thankful for this gift the Lord gave me in the unsettling package of a broke foot.  I am so grateful for a community of people that supported me through it all.  I am so amazed and humbled by the people I get to work with.  From my fellow actors on the stage to the front of house staff.  Each and every person has SO MUCH VALUE and I am so thankful that I got to see that in a different way during this time.  We are the body of Christ.  We are together in this journey, sometimes we just have to be still…or be forced to be still…. and open our eyes to see it. To repeat what my friend Katie said, There is something in this for you!  The Good that God has is there, we just have to be willing and open to receive it.

Running Running Running

   This morning I woke up super early.  I wanted to sleep more but my body was just saying it was time to rise and shine and give God the glory glory!  haha  Anywho, I figured since I had a little more time this morning I would take advantage and write a little blog.  I have been doing my Vlog for a little bit now and it has taken over but I miss writing too so I want to keep up with this.  I guess I have a lot to say.  lol
    I was talking to my friend Jenny yesterday about how I have been feeling super home sick lately.  I have never been one to feel that way but for some reason that button got pressed and I have been navigating though that.    The Branson leadership team from the theater I worked at there was visiting a week ago and there was something about the safety and comfortability I felt with them that just made me rest for a second. When they left I cried.  Which is no real surprise for people who know me, but I feel like this wasn't the typical Curtis being emotional.  It was something more.  
    Jenny mentioned in our conversation the fact that I have moved a lot and that this is probably the longest I have ever lived in one place.  I started thinking about that and she is right.  During college I moved dorm rooms and changed roommates almost every semester!  Then I left Branson and moved to Tennessee.  There I lived in 4 places in the two years I was there.  Then I went on the ship for a little bit, got back to Branson after and probably moved 6 times in the 5 years I was back.  So then I moved up to Pennsylvania last year and I have lived in the same place and the same apartment for 2 years straight by the end of this contract.  That seems crazy to me!  For a guy who thrives off of stability and routine I feel super antsy being still.  
   I think that is something that the Lord is challenging me in.  I think I have baggage that needs to be unpacked.  I think I have insecurities that need to be dealt with.  I think I have relationships that need to be mended and restored.  I think I have relationships that need to be ended.  I think there are a list of areas that the Lord has been trying to deal with me in and I have hid behind constantly moving and going even when staying in the same town in order to stay occupied.  I have in essence been running away.  I never looked at it like that before until my conversation yesterday and I just felt like the Lord smacked me across the face with it.  
   No matter where I am or what I am doing there are going to be challenges.  That is true for all of us.  I think the real challenge and the real strength comes from being still in that space and choosing to grow there.  Being still in that space and choosing joy and hope over frustration and depression.   I have a beautiful life here in Pennsylvania.  I have a community of people here that I love, and I believe that the more I open myself up to seeing what the Lord is doing here in this space the more I will flourish and grow.  Rather than closing off and protecting all the time, I need to open myself up to being used.  I need to open myself up to serving and loving more here. 
    The thing that was also interesting to me is that I was just as closed off and protected in Branson.  It just looked different because it was home.  So here in this new place and in this new community I have an opportunity to change the cycle.  I have an opportunity to grow and be challenged, and to take the challenges and run with them.  Run to a Father who loves me and is ready for me to be a part of what he is doing.  
   So here I am, Curtis Wilson.  My biggest desire is to see people happy, and for them to know that they are loved and have value.  For the larger part of my life I have struggled with that belief for myself and still deal with it, which is why I think I want to make sure others don't.  That being said, I live above an amazing little cafe called Splits and Giggles.  If you ever want to grab a coffee or an ice cream and talk about life, let me know because I am here!  It there is any way I can encourage or be there for you let me know because I am here!   Being still and present in the space and the season you are in can be a challenge but lets embrace it and lift each other up in the process.  Love you guys!

Being Chosen

   I feel like I have gotten away from writing since I started my Vlog sight.  Its been nice to just expand a bit and try new things with all this social media.  I kinda love the creativeness of it all.  Being able to express yourself and share you life and journey with people in new and interesting ways.  Plus you get to learn a new skill along the way.  Heres a Link to the Vlog if you want to check it out.  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChVaORtGqTlhVNp7FJLGl5g
  
    So the past couple weeks there has been this overarching challenge I think for a lot of us.  A challenge to step outside ourselves and look at the world from a non self centered perspective.  I think in our country we experience the internal battle with this more than others.  We are so spoiled and conditioned to feel entitled to everything.  For me I am in the middle of a bible study with some guys in my cast that has really been pushing me hard.  Pushing me first and foremost into a desire and pursuit of a deep Love relationship with Jesus and second pushing me to live a life of service and Love rather than self-seeking and control.  It is rocking my world a bit because it is so hard to walk out. 
   They just chose people at work for a special project.  One that isn't a huge deal but it is something very special and cool to be a part of.  Its an honor.  Here in lies the issue.  Not everyone was chosen.  Some were and some were not.   There was no longer an even playing field.  I think no matter who you are and no matter what kind of job you are in the sting of not being chosen for something is there.  Flashback to being the last one picked for the kickball team flash in your mind.  Flashbacks of having a huge crush and then realizing that they have chosen to date someone else.  Everyone has something.  So what do you do when you aren't chosen?  And what do you do when you are but your friend isn't?  There in lies the challenge I think a lot of us faced recently.  
   I think my friend Steve said it best.  We have an opportunity to be mature adults when we are faced with things like this.  An opportunity to show true maturity and true grace.  To rejoice with people in the midst of your own morning, and on the flip side to morn with those even when you are rejoicing.  It is easy in some instances and so hard in others but that is what we are called to do.  Ultimately as Christians we are brothers and sisters.  We are journeying together and for an ultimate goal which is to bring glory to God and to server others and show the Love of Jesus to them and to each other. It isn't a game.  It isn't the rat race. Our calling isn't for self.  Its for others, its for Him.
    So the sting of my loss.  The bummed out feeling that I wasn't chosen to do something that would have been fun or cool.   The inner child that wants to pout and be sad.  I have to remember,   No matter what I am chosen or not chosen for in this life the only thing that really matters and the thing to remember weather I am rejoicing or morning is this......I am already chosen.  I was chosen by a heavenly father who adores me.  I was chosen by the King of Kings and I have the opportunity to be a part of what he is doing here.  So no matter what.  Jesus died for me! He died for you!  We don't have to stress the little stuff, and that is so much easier to type right here than to walk out.  This is just to serve as a reminder.  We Are Worth it!  He made us worth it!  Just because you don't get everything you want.  Just because you don't feel valuable all the time on this earth cannot rob you of your true value.  
    Today is a good day.  Today I have the opportunity to go into work and do what I love to do.  My body is tired and I am for some reason or another having a really tough time feeling single and alone lately.  But here is what makes the day good in the midst of those feelings.  I am dearly loved by Jesus.  I am chosen by him and he has plans for my life.  I get the opportunity to be sensitive to him and his leading today and go on an adventure of Loving people.  No matter my circumstances.  No matter where I am on my journey I have that.  I am chosen....We are chosen.    Love you guys.

What is this Grace?

   Today I was listening to part of the show where the Angel of the Lord is talking to Samson and talking about Gods grace.  Talking about how its never too late and you are never too far gone to receive it.  I love that scene!  and Then Samson Sings a beautiful song called What is This Grace further driving in the truth of this amazing thing called Gods Grace and his amazing Love for us.  I am learning a lot about Grace these days.  How to show it to others and how to show it to myself.  

     So, I am an emotional person.  To those who know me this is not a big surprise.  I feel things.  I’m sensitive.  It is something I love and hate all in the same breath about myself.  Being sensitive, I can sometimes get hurt fairly easy.  As thick of skin as I do have, if I let someone in they have the ability to crush me.  Not just crush me, but manipulate me along the way.  This unfortunately has happened more times than I’d like to admit.  

  I dated someone a long while ago that I fell so in love with.  This love had conditions though.  I had to change who I was.  I had to change opinions of things, convictions about life.   I had to give up friends and family.  I had to become ok with things in order to keep this “love” that I so desperately wanted and thought I needed.   I allowed myself to believe that if I didn’t have that person in my life that somehow my life did not have as much worth.  That if I didn’t hold on to them then I would always be alone.  My self worth became completely wrapped up in and controlled by that relationship.  Thankfully, the Lord closed that door.  It hurt horribly and was one of the toughest things I have ever had to face.  Picking up the pieces of a heart that I unfortunately allowed to get abused and destroyed

  Now, today, I look at my life and I see myself allowing those same things to happen but in different ways.  I look at my value and worth through the lens of those I want approval from.  I allow those people to hold the strings of the Puppet that I become when they are involved.  So the question that I am screaming to myself is…why?  When did I start to value myself so little that I let others walk all over my heart?  Why do I give so much power to others?  Why do I self sabotage? 

    The Big Whopping answer I feel is Fear.  I am so afraid of not being good enough.  Im terrified of being alone for the rest of my life.  I am so scared that I will never have a life with someone and I will never have a family that I so desperately want.  I look at family of dear friends around me and my heart is filled with joy for them but breaks inside wondering if the Lord will ever give me that.  If I will ever be good enough.  If someone will find me attractive or fall in love with me.  

   So that fear then propels me into this cycle of loss prevention.  This is where the morphing starts.  This is where the letting go of control and giving it to others happens.  Then as those relationships change or end….I am left alone and feeling silly because I fought so hard for something or someone that never really was going to love me.  Never going to be the thing I “needed”.  As selfless I think I am being on this quest it actually is super selfish on my end too.  It just seems so hopeless.  

   This is where the positive twist in this Blog happens.  Sorry its been a bit of a downer one.  Grace.  We all have a choice to show Grace and receive Grace.  We all have the ability to walk in that.  To be set free and rest in the Grace.  So for me in these situations I have to 1. Realize and accept Gods Grace and love for me and know that he has plans that are perfect for my life.  That he LOVES me! NO MATTER WHAT!  then 2.  Look at the people in my life with GRACE.  I am not prefect…they are not perfect.  We are all seeking to live a life that is fulling and we all want to be loved.  There has to be grace in this process or these cycles of use and abuse will just continue.  I have to let go of trying to control and manage and show grace as I stand firm in the roots of truth.   Then finally 3.  I have to show myself grace.  I can’t be perfect.  I can’t fulfill the needs of every friend or relationship in my life.  I will fail.  I will fall short…..and there is Grace.  I am a treasured position of a heavenly father who bought me for a high price.  I am a son and heir.  I am redeemed and Loved.  There is Grace.  

  Taking one step further here with the Grace.  I am just as much to blame for getting hurt in many of these situations.  So to hold a grudge or withhold grace is not fair or right. I might want to run for the hills when I get hurt.  I might feel so embarrassed that I can’t stand to look at the person, but Grace.  I have to show it.  I have to extend this gift that has been so freely and richly given to me.  That doesn’t  me that I be flippant with my heart.  It just means that I treat them with the love and respect that I would want to be treat with.  

   Why did I write this long and somewhat oversharing blog!?  haha   I honestly have no clue.  I think sometimes I feel more settled when I write things out, and if by writing this out and sharing it with you all  it encourages or challenges someone else then its a win in my book.  

  One last thing.  To those in my life that have unfortunately gone through this cycle with me, I want to say I am sorry.  Im sorry that I haven’t always responded in grace to you.  Im in process.  This messy man is learning.  And to those dear friends in my life, I want to say thank you for being my rocks and loving me and redirecting me back to Truth and back to Jesus.  Thanks for being there for the tears and breakdowns.  Your love and friendship is a precious gift to me.  

After the Honeymoon

I have neglected my blog!  The last few weeks have been going non stop.  Lots of rehearsals and running around.  Trying to get sleep and then going and rehearsing some more.  I am loving this new show though.  It is different than the typical show here but I like the feel of it and I love the truth that is so clear throughout.  
    Outside of work I think my life has felt like its been put on hold.  Everything kinda feels like it stood still for a bit....and now its starting to move again.   I think when you are in rehearsals it is kinda like the honeymoon stage.  Its new and exciting and no matter how hard the work or how long the hours overall there is a feeling of anticipation.  Then life sets in.  The Run of the show happens and you are forced to face the aches and pains of every day life.  The sore and sprained muscles, the gossip and interpersonal relationships, and the insecurities.  Good and bad collide and you choose to have a good attitude or bad.....daily.  
   So right now my life feels like the honeymoon period of this year has finished.  The start of this year has been great.  I have made some amazing new friends and feel like theres such a great community of people around me.  I feel supported and loved and known!  What a blessing!  There are challenges on the table though that I have not wanted to deal with fully.  There are friendships that need mending and boundaries that need set.  There are bad habits that I have ignored and now need to  knock out.  There is a perspective and a focus that needs to be placed back where it should be.  
    Im so hopeful though.  Hopeful because I have yet to face a challenge or a joy where the Lord hasn't been all over it.  He's provided so much for me, and continues to.  I went from feeling disconnected and lonely to feeling like I have some close solid friends here.  I have an amazing apartment with an awesome roommate.  We have had our challenges but even that has been a blessing and growing opportunity.  I have a dog that, although he likes to eat things that are bad for him, I adore.  No matter the struggle, weather it be financial, or spiritual, or emotional the Lord has been there guiding and sustaining through it all.  So although this honeymoon period is closing up, and although i have some fear of challenges ahead and insecurities that are under the surface, I am trusting.  Making that daily choice to believe and rest in Gods amazing Grace.  Just like this show Samson is so beautiful showing, Gods grace is perfect.  His loves is beyond what we can imagine or understand.  Our job is just to embrace that Love and walk in it,  knowing that his ways are best.

I'm Tired...im going to go lie down!

So, one of my goals for this year was to try and write a post once a week.  This is proving to be a little bit of a challenge because I don't have that exciting of a life that I have a plethora of things to talk about, and I think if I keep writing about my personal growth and learning people might get bored...but that is also the people pleaser in me, and I made this goal so here we go.  haha
    This past week has been an interesting one for me.  I have been faced with several situations that just made me feel angry, Made me feel frustrated, and made me feel used.   Swirling around in my brain are all these emotions that maybe only half are valid feelings.  So it has taken a conscious effort to try and navigate through the mess of pride and entitlement and see what is really going on. 
   I think something we all want in life is to be loved.  I think we all want deep connections and to be able to share parts of our Journey with friends and also with a romantic relationship.  We desire to be known and to have people on our side.  Somewhere along the way as we grow older these relationships become way more complicated.  We aren't just going outside to play tether ball with our friends we are navigating though jaded hearts and confrontations.  We don't take our bikes and go on adventures we say something hurtful and cause riffs and brokenness.  Im not saying that this is all that relationships are as adults but I think there is an element of innocence that is lost.  An element I want back!  haha.  
     I love being around kids.  I love how free they are and how fearless they are.  I love seeing them explore and make-believe different games.  I love how trusting they are that they will be ok.   Jesus even talked about having faith like a child.  Faith without conditions.  Faith because you love him so much that you will follow Him.  So how do we get to that place?  With our relationships with each other and with our relationship with Jesus?  I honestly don't really know.  I think in our day to day the challenge, at least for me, is to realize that I am not entitled to be loved by anyone.  I am not entitled to have someone choose me. I also have to learn to let go of the hopeful expectation that what I put out there will be returned back to me from People.  Just because you are there for someone and just because you support and encourage does not bind them to you in any way.  You have to love without expectations!  THAT IS SO HARD!  The reality though is this.....loving with expectations isn't love at all....its manipulation.  Such a punch to the pride to say but its true.  
    So we lay aside our expectations.  We work the selfless muscle in our brains and nurture it.  We fight through the natural desire to get something in return.  This isn't denying your needs as a person its just not relying on other people to fulfill them.  There in lies the deficit that I feel when I try and do this.  If I don't get anything in return and I push to give and give without receiving then where do I get filled back up.  CHALLENGE!  I naturally want to run to things that might not be the best for me.  There are a variety of options of seduce me one way or another.  So here is where the primary relationship with Jesus comes in.  At least for me, I believe that the most fulfilling and stable relationship that I will ever have is with Him.  So when people fail, and when people hurt.  When I have poured out my heart to depletion I have to cling to him.  I have to trust him.....just like those kids I watch playing and trusting with reckless abandon.....I have to trust that Jesus is there.  He has promises that are true and solid and secure.  He has everything that I need to fill back up so that I can try again to be selfless with my day to day relationships.  Again....this is SO HARD! I think it gets easier though.  As a friend just talked to me about this week...the more we live in that place of dependance and grip on Jesus the more we live fulfilled and thriving.  
    I will always have moments like I did this week.  I will get my feelings hurt or my heart broken because of one thing or another.  I just have to remember that it doesn't have to be as complicated as I make it.  It doesn't have to control me or take me down a path that isn't what I desire.  I have a choice.   Fill back up with bitterness and anger, or fill back up with Jesus.  Fill back up with the peace and joy that comes from him so that I can continue to love people and I can continue to trust people and pour out and be alive in relationships with friends; and someday a spouse I pray! 
   So there ya go.  Ramblings of an emotional man.  haha  Dear Diary its me Curtis.  :-) Praying this week is better, and that we all can be shown the Love of Jesus in new and exciting ways and then be able to show that Love to the people around us.  Stay strong y'all.  We're in this together!
     

The Roaring 20's

  Tonight I am sitting here in my normal spot on my bed, with Charlie dog snuggled up next to me, and just thinking about tomorrow being my last day in my 20s.  On Monday I turn the big 30!  I can't believe it!  For some reason for me this is a big one.  Normally birthdays are just another day but this one has me thinking so much more and reflecting.  Thinking about this last 10 years of life in my 20s that are suppose to be some of the best, and honestly they have been.
   I have traveled the world! I have gone to Germany, the Netherlands (twice),  Belgium, Austria, The Czech Republic, England, Portugal, and Cameroon Africa! I have sang in beautiful old cathedrals and  watched some amazing Theater productions in the West End.  I have trecked around an unknown city with 3 other friends and pretended to do the Amazing Race in Lisbon.  I have played soccer with african children and got to love on them and be reminded of how so very fortunate I am to live in American and have all my needs provided for.  I have eaten so much food!!! Some good, and some not so good.  Some people go their entire lives without having these kind of adventures and I got to do it in abundance! I am so so blessed!  Thank you Lord for allowing me to see and experience and be a part of so many different cultures.  It has changed my life.
    I went to college and I am actually using my degree!!  I have thankfully worked consistently since I graduated and had the privilege of learning so much about my craft from some of the most amazing friends along the way.   I am still learning and still trying to be better and thanks to the actors I get work beside right now at Sight and Sound I am supported on that path. I got to sing on a cruise ship with one of my best friends in the world Erika.  So many experiences!  So many challenges!  So much Learning!  Thank you so much Lord for these precious gifts you have given me.  Thank you for my voice!  Thank you for my ability to dance!  Thank you for my ability to act!  Being able to express myself through the arts has honestly saved my life.  The Lord knew what he was doing when he set me down this path.
    I have had some amazing relationships.  I have been so blessed to fall in love.  So thankful To have experienced that and to look forward to that again with someone someday.  Although those relationships in the past ended I am so thankful for them and what they taught me and how they shaped me into the man I am today.  I have been blessed with some incredible friends who have walked through so so much life with me.  Who have seen me at my worst and celebrated with me at my best!  I am surrounded with friends that are more like family to me than just friends.  I know for a fact they will be a part of my life forever.  Those of you know who you are and I adore each of you so so much!  You are my rocks in the journey!  Thank you Lord for friends and relationships!  Thank you for a future family you have for me.  I pray for it every day.
    I have gone through ups and downs with my family and seen some pretty tough times.  We have trudged through communication issues and life choices and hurt hearts and pride, but we are strong and have pushed through so so much.  Thank you Lord for my family and constantly transforming and growing us.  Pray your continued hand on each of us as individuals and as a whole family.
   As I am thinking back through all of this.  All of the challenges and hardships.  All the tears and all the laughter.  All the adventures and all those quiet moments drinking a glass of wine with friends.  I am just humbled and blessed and thankful and hopeful.  Hopeful for a future that is bright.  Hopeful for more growth and more adventures.  What a journey this past 30 years has been, and even though parts of me have a hard time with being this age and not having the "american dream" with the white picket fence and family, a huge part of me is celebrating the life that I have had.  There is no time frame on when or even if things have to be a certain way.  The beauty of my journey is that it is just that.....its mine.
   I read this quote tonight and really liked it.
"I will not be hardened; I will let people in.  I will be vulnerable and unashamed of my story, for my story gives me courage, and has the power to give courage to others suffering as I have. I will not let fear control me.  I will believe that the end of things does not have to define the experience.  I will reject resentment and regret.  I will not believe the lies that I feel in the face of hurt.  I am beautiful, worthy of love and belonging.  My future is brighter than any flashback.  I am even MORE than the wars I have won."  Bonnie McRae
    My 20s were a beautiful battlefield, and that quote I think sums up this turning 30 for me.  Bring it on!   Thank you so much Lord for allowing me to be your child.  Thank you for loving me through it all.  Thank you for these last 30 years and for protecting me.  Thank you for your provision and guidance.  Thank you for continually growing me into the man you want me to be.  I pray for your hand to continue to be on my life.  I pray for wisdom and courage to face whatever is coming ahead.  I pray for peace in the stillness of day to day life, and encouragement and endurance for the journey before me.   I love you so much!