So, one of my goals for this year was to try and write a post once a week. This is proving to be a little bit of a challenge because I don't have that exciting of a life that I have a plethora of things to talk about, and I think if I keep writing about my personal growth and learning people might get bored...but that is also the people pleaser in me, and I made this goal so here we go. haha
This past week has been an interesting one for me. I have been faced with several situations that just made me feel angry, Made me feel frustrated, and made me feel used. Swirling around in my brain are all these emotions that maybe only half are valid feelings. So it has taken a conscious effort to try and navigate through the mess of pride and entitlement and see what is really going on.
I think something we all want in life is to be loved. I think we all want deep connections and to be able to share parts of our Journey with friends and also with a romantic relationship. We desire to be known and to have people on our side. Somewhere along the way as we grow older these relationships become way more complicated. We aren't just going outside to play tether ball with our friends we are navigating though jaded hearts and confrontations. We don't take our bikes and go on adventures we say something hurtful and cause riffs and brokenness. Im not saying that this is all that relationships are as adults but I think there is an element of innocence that is lost. An element I want back! haha.
I love being around kids. I love how free they are and how fearless they are. I love seeing them explore and make-believe different games. I love how trusting they are that they will be ok. Jesus even talked about having faith like a child. Faith without conditions. Faith because you love him so much that you will follow Him. So how do we get to that place? With our relationships with each other and with our relationship with Jesus? I honestly don't really know. I think in our day to day the challenge, at least for me, is to realize that I am not entitled to be loved by anyone. I am not entitled to have someone choose me. I also have to learn to let go of the hopeful expectation that what I put out there will be returned back to me from People. Just because you are there for someone and just because you support and encourage does not bind them to you in any way. You have to love without expectations! THAT IS SO HARD! The reality though is this.....loving with expectations isn't love at all....its manipulation. Such a punch to the pride to say but its true.
So we lay aside our expectations. We work the selfless muscle in our brains and nurture it. We fight through the natural desire to get something in return. This isn't denying your needs as a person its just not relying on other people to fulfill them. There in lies the deficit that I feel when I try and do this. If I don't get anything in return and I push to give and give without receiving then where do I get filled back up. CHALLENGE! I naturally want to run to things that might not be the best for me. There are a variety of options of seduce me one way or another. So here is where the primary relationship with Jesus comes in. At least for me, I believe that the most fulfilling and stable relationship that I will ever have is with Him. So when people fail, and when people hurt. When I have poured out my heart to depletion I have to cling to him. I have to trust him.....just like those kids I watch playing and trusting with reckless abandon.....I have to trust that Jesus is there. He has promises that are true and solid and secure. He has everything that I need to fill back up so that I can try again to be selfless with my day to day relationships. Again....this is SO HARD! I think it gets easier though. As a friend just talked to me about this week...the more we live in that place of dependance and grip on Jesus the more we live fulfilled and thriving.
I will always have moments like I did this week. I will get my feelings hurt or my heart broken because of one thing or another. I just have to remember that it doesn't have to be as complicated as I make it. It doesn't have to control me or take me down a path that isn't what I desire. I have a choice. Fill back up with bitterness and anger, or fill back up with Jesus. Fill back up with the peace and joy that comes from him so that I can continue to love people and I can continue to trust people and pour out and be alive in relationships with friends; and someday a spouse I pray!
So there ya go. Ramblings of an emotional man. haha Dear Diary its me Curtis. :-) Praying this week is better, and that we all can be shown the Love of Jesus in new and exciting ways and then be able to show that Love to the people around us. Stay strong y'all. We're in this together!
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