Fast forward to tonight and I was hanging out with another friend who I was processing through some life with and He was showing so much grace in the situations that we were discussing. As I was speaking I felt like I had an out of body experience in that I starting listening to my words and how jaded they were. I was spitting venom based of past hurts. I was reacting to people based on how I had been treated by them in the past. "Well, I felt like this then and they didn't care so why should I care now?" WHAT!?!? Who am I?
Am I being the child that is mad because he didn't get what he wanted and now won't do anything? Am I seriously throwing a temper tantrum? I am almost 30! As much as I hate to admit it my friend was right. I am a child. A hurt child stuck in a mans body with a mans stubbornness. So what do you do when you have been hurt, and then find yourself feeling good, but the person who hurt you now is hurting....that was a long sentence. I think we all know the answer to that one. You love them. In spite of the wound. In spite of the frustration. You love them because you are not them. You push through because, at least for me, I have got the Love of Jesus in my heart and if I am not showing that to them then where is the fruit of that? I can whine and complain about how I have been wronged or hurt or used, but all that is going to do is waste a lot of time and energy.
How many times have I been shown grace? How many times have I hurt someone, intentionally or unintentionally? How many times have I left my own wake of destruction and frustration because of my actions? More times than I care to admit. Yet I am loved. I have some treasured friends. I am blessed with a roof over my head and clothes on my back. So how dare I refuse to show the same grace and kindness to others. Especially those who have hurt me. Especially to those that I feel have left wounds in my life.
I think part of me fears that if I love them, whats going to make them not get back up and hurt me again. If I help them through something then what if they get strong again and turn on me and leave me. Obviously deeper issues lie here, but I think there's a lot of us that have that fear. I guess the answer that I can come up with is...so what. haha I think there is a certain amount of boundaries that we all need is this life with people. I think they are healthy in any relationship. So, if someone hurts you, you love them but set a boundary. If they hurt you again, you love them but set another boundary. You can adjust them as growth happens in each of those relationships. This isn't to say wall them off but to allow the buffer of that safe boundary to protect you from going to far. To protect you from getting hurt.
I don't know why I went on a rant about this tonight, other than the fact that I needed to process it out. So here it is....Dear Diary....its me Curtis. :-) I am just continually humbled by the way the Lord speaks and teaches us. Teaches me. I love how tender he is with me and yet so blunt at the same time. I love that he uses unlikely people or situations to speak truth. I love how he is the perfect example of grace and love. This blog sometimes seems silly to me, but I love hearing peoples journeys and I love when people are transparent and real. Figure I should be willing to share and be the same. Thankful for you all who read this and thankful for a God who allows a messy man to grow and learn.
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