I'm Tired...im going to go lie down!

So, one of my goals for this year was to try and write a post once a week.  This is proving to be a little bit of a challenge because I don't have that exciting of a life that I have a plethora of things to talk about, and I think if I keep writing about my personal growth and learning people might get bored...but that is also the people pleaser in me, and I made this goal so here we go.  haha
    This past week has been an interesting one for me.  I have been faced with several situations that just made me feel angry, Made me feel frustrated, and made me feel used.   Swirling around in my brain are all these emotions that maybe only half are valid feelings.  So it has taken a conscious effort to try and navigate through the mess of pride and entitlement and see what is really going on. 
   I think something we all want in life is to be loved.  I think we all want deep connections and to be able to share parts of our Journey with friends and also with a romantic relationship.  We desire to be known and to have people on our side.  Somewhere along the way as we grow older these relationships become way more complicated.  We aren't just going outside to play tether ball with our friends we are navigating though jaded hearts and confrontations.  We don't take our bikes and go on adventures we say something hurtful and cause riffs and brokenness.  Im not saying that this is all that relationships are as adults but I think there is an element of innocence that is lost.  An element I want back!  haha.  
     I love being around kids.  I love how free they are and how fearless they are.  I love seeing them explore and make-believe different games.  I love how trusting they are that they will be ok.   Jesus even talked about having faith like a child.  Faith without conditions.  Faith because you love him so much that you will follow Him.  So how do we get to that place?  With our relationships with each other and with our relationship with Jesus?  I honestly don't really know.  I think in our day to day the challenge, at least for me, is to realize that I am not entitled to be loved by anyone.  I am not entitled to have someone choose me. I also have to learn to let go of the hopeful expectation that what I put out there will be returned back to me from People.  Just because you are there for someone and just because you support and encourage does not bind them to you in any way.  You have to love without expectations!  THAT IS SO HARD!  The reality though is this.....loving with expectations isn't love at all....its manipulation.  Such a punch to the pride to say but its true.  
    So we lay aside our expectations.  We work the selfless muscle in our brains and nurture it.  We fight through the natural desire to get something in return.  This isn't denying your needs as a person its just not relying on other people to fulfill them.  There in lies the deficit that I feel when I try and do this.  If I don't get anything in return and I push to give and give without receiving then where do I get filled back up.  CHALLENGE!  I naturally want to run to things that might not be the best for me.  There are a variety of options of seduce me one way or another.  So here is where the primary relationship with Jesus comes in.  At least for me, I believe that the most fulfilling and stable relationship that I will ever have is with Him.  So when people fail, and when people hurt.  When I have poured out my heart to depletion I have to cling to him.  I have to trust him.....just like those kids I watch playing and trusting with reckless abandon.....I have to trust that Jesus is there.  He has promises that are true and solid and secure.  He has everything that I need to fill back up so that I can try again to be selfless with my day to day relationships.  Again....this is SO HARD! I think it gets easier though.  As a friend just talked to me about this week...the more we live in that place of dependance and grip on Jesus the more we live fulfilled and thriving.  
    I will always have moments like I did this week.  I will get my feelings hurt or my heart broken because of one thing or another.  I just have to remember that it doesn't have to be as complicated as I make it.  It doesn't have to control me or take me down a path that isn't what I desire.  I have a choice.   Fill back up with bitterness and anger, or fill back up with Jesus.  Fill back up with the peace and joy that comes from him so that I can continue to love people and I can continue to trust people and pour out and be alive in relationships with friends; and someday a spouse I pray! 
   So there ya go.  Ramblings of an emotional man.  haha  Dear Diary its me Curtis.  :-) Praying this week is better, and that we all can be shown the Love of Jesus in new and exciting ways and then be able to show that Love to the people around us.  Stay strong y'all.  We're in this together!
     

The Roaring 20's

  Tonight I am sitting here in my normal spot on my bed, with Charlie dog snuggled up next to me, and just thinking about tomorrow being my last day in my 20s.  On Monday I turn the big 30!  I can't believe it!  For some reason for me this is a big one.  Normally birthdays are just another day but this one has me thinking so much more and reflecting.  Thinking about this last 10 years of life in my 20s that are suppose to be some of the best, and honestly they have been.
   I have traveled the world! I have gone to Germany, the Netherlands (twice),  Belgium, Austria, The Czech Republic, England, Portugal, and Cameroon Africa! I have sang in beautiful old cathedrals and  watched some amazing Theater productions in the West End.  I have trecked around an unknown city with 3 other friends and pretended to do the Amazing Race in Lisbon.  I have played soccer with african children and got to love on them and be reminded of how so very fortunate I am to live in American and have all my needs provided for.  I have eaten so much food!!! Some good, and some not so good.  Some people go their entire lives without having these kind of adventures and I got to do it in abundance! I am so so blessed!  Thank you Lord for allowing me to see and experience and be a part of so many different cultures.  It has changed my life.
    I went to college and I am actually using my degree!!  I have thankfully worked consistently since I graduated and had the privilege of learning so much about my craft from some of the most amazing friends along the way.   I am still learning and still trying to be better and thanks to the actors I get work beside right now at Sight and Sound I am supported on that path. I got to sing on a cruise ship with one of my best friends in the world Erika.  So many experiences!  So many challenges!  So much Learning!  Thank you so much Lord for these precious gifts you have given me.  Thank you for my voice!  Thank you for my ability to dance!  Thank you for my ability to act!  Being able to express myself through the arts has honestly saved my life.  The Lord knew what he was doing when he set me down this path.
    I have had some amazing relationships.  I have been so blessed to fall in love.  So thankful To have experienced that and to look forward to that again with someone someday.  Although those relationships in the past ended I am so thankful for them and what they taught me and how they shaped me into the man I am today.  I have been blessed with some incredible friends who have walked through so so much life with me.  Who have seen me at my worst and celebrated with me at my best!  I am surrounded with friends that are more like family to me than just friends.  I know for a fact they will be a part of my life forever.  Those of you know who you are and I adore each of you so so much!  You are my rocks in the journey!  Thank you Lord for friends and relationships!  Thank you for a future family you have for me.  I pray for it every day.
    I have gone through ups and downs with my family and seen some pretty tough times.  We have trudged through communication issues and life choices and hurt hearts and pride, but we are strong and have pushed through so so much.  Thank you Lord for my family and constantly transforming and growing us.  Pray your continued hand on each of us as individuals and as a whole family.
   As I am thinking back through all of this.  All of the challenges and hardships.  All the tears and all the laughter.  All the adventures and all those quiet moments drinking a glass of wine with friends.  I am just humbled and blessed and thankful and hopeful.  Hopeful for a future that is bright.  Hopeful for more growth and more adventures.  What a journey this past 30 years has been, and even though parts of me have a hard time with being this age and not having the "american dream" with the white picket fence and family, a huge part of me is celebrating the life that I have had.  There is no time frame on when or even if things have to be a certain way.  The beauty of my journey is that it is just that.....its mine.
   I read this quote tonight and really liked it.
"I will not be hardened; I will let people in.  I will be vulnerable and unashamed of my story, for my story gives me courage, and has the power to give courage to others suffering as I have. I will not let fear control me.  I will believe that the end of things does not have to define the experience.  I will reject resentment and regret.  I will not believe the lies that I feel in the face of hurt.  I am beautiful, worthy of love and belonging.  My future is brighter than any flashback.  I am even MORE than the wars I have won."  Bonnie McRae
    My 20s were a beautiful battlefield, and that quote I think sums up this turning 30 for me.  Bring it on!   Thank you so much Lord for allowing me to be your child.  Thank you for loving me through it all.  Thank you for these last 30 years and for protecting me.  Thank you for your provision and guidance.  Thank you for continually growing me into the man you want me to be.  I pray for your hand to continue to be on my life.  I pray for wisdom and courage to face whatever is coming ahead.  I pray for peace in the stillness of day to day life, and encouragement and endurance for the journey before me.   I love you so much!

Ouch Charlie...That Hurt

The other day I was talking to a friend.  Airing some frustrations that I had been having and just felt a little cranky in general for one reason or another.  My friend out of no where responded.."Oh Curtis, you are such a child."   Needless to say I was taken aback.  I, true to form, shut down and went into my brain.  Why would she call me that?  What caused that?  Am I being a child?  etc. etc.

    Fast forward to tonight and I was hanging out with another friend who I was processing through some life with and He was showing so much grace in the situations that we were discussing.  As I was speaking I felt like I had an out of body experience in that I starting listening to my words and how jaded they were.  I was spitting venom based of past hurts.  I was reacting to people based on how I had been treated by them in the past.  "Well, I felt like this then and they didn't care so why should I care now?"  WHAT!?!? Who am I?

    Am I being the child that is mad because he didn't get what he wanted and now won't do anything? Am I seriously throwing a temper tantrum?  I am almost 30! As much as I hate to admit it my friend was right.  I am a child.  A hurt child stuck in a mans body with a mans stubbornness.  So what do you do when you have been hurt, and then find yourself feeling good, but the person who hurt you now is hurting....that was a long sentence.  I think we all know the answer to that one.  You love them.  In spite of the wound.  In spite of the frustration.  You love them because you are not them.  You push through because, at least for me, I have got the Love of Jesus in my heart and if I am not showing that to them then where is the fruit of that?  I can whine and complain about how I have been wronged or hurt or used, but all that is going to do is waste a lot of time and energy.  

   How many times have I been shown grace?  How many times have I hurt someone, intentionally or unintentionally?  How many times have I left my own wake of destruction and frustration because of my actions?  More times than I care to admit.  Yet I am loved.  I have some treasured friends.  I am blessed with a roof over my head and clothes on my back.  So how dare I refuse to show the same grace and kindness to others.  Especially those who have hurt me.  Especially to those that I feel have left wounds in my life. 

   I think part of me fears that if I love them, whats going to make them not get back up and hurt me again. If I help them through something then what if they get strong again and turn on me and leave me.  Obviously deeper issues lie here, but I think there's a lot of us that have that fear.  I guess the answer that I can come up with is...so what.  haha   I think there is a certain amount of boundaries that we all need is this life with people.  I think they are healthy in any relationship.  So, if someone hurts you, you love them but set a boundary.  If they hurt you again, you love them but set another boundary.  You can adjust them as growth happens in each of those relationships.  This isn't to say wall them off  but to allow the buffer of that safe boundary to protect you from going to far.  To protect you from getting hurt.  

    I don't know why I went on a rant about this tonight, other than the fact that I needed to process it out.  So here it is....Dear Diary....its me Curtis.   :-)   I am just continually humbled by the way the Lord speaks and teaches us.  Teaches me.  I love how tender he is with me and yet so blunt at the same time.  I love that he uses unlikely people or situations to speak truth.  I love how he is the perfect example of grace and love.  This blog sometimes seems silly to me, but I love hearing peoples  journeys and I love when people are transparent and real.  Figure I should be willing to share and be the same.  Thankful for you all who read this and thankful for a God who allows a messy man to grow and learn.