Battlefield....Mailbox....?

    Today I tried to put a new mailbox up.  My current mailbox had a lid that fell off and was unfortunately run over by the mailman.  I tried to figure out a way to reattach it but it just kept falling off.  So I went to Lowes and bought a new box….then went back to Lowes because I needed a bracket to hold it, but they didn’t sell the kind I needed so I just bought a whole new post. 

   I got home and attached the mailbox to the arm and then proceeded outside to get the post ready.  I dug a hole….and kept hammering rocks.  I dug and dug and just wasn’t getting anywhere.  Then I started slamming the post into the ground hoping that I could get it to stay….but as soon as I tried to attach the box it immediately fell over.  So now I have a mailbox attached to a post….laying in my yard.  

    This is how life feels to me right now. 

Dramatic I know.  

   In all seriousness I feel like I am not receiving mail to my brain lately.  The mail I am getting is soggy and weathered because the door has fallen off protecting what I am receiving.  I love a good analogy.  So yes, I bought a new mailbox in the real world but today I also got one for my heart.  I have for some reason allowed insecurity and peoples opinions of me to distract me.  Ive allowed them to run over the door that protects what i take in.  

    Let me try another way of describing.  In the past year I have experienced a kind of freedom I never thought that i would have.  It isn’t a pretty, sparkly, kind of freedom.  It is the kind that is fought for in the trenches.  It is a battle worn freedom that at the end of the day is satisfying but requires some recovery.  I thought that as the Lord transitioned me back home to Branson that I would be walking into recovery time.  In some ways it Has been, but in a lot of ways new challenged and battles have been raised that I didn’t image.  It feels like I just fought off a pack of wolves and then right as i catch my breath another pack has come and sunk their claws into me.  

    People spreading lies and untruth in order to gain something.  People scoffing at something they don’t understand.  People trying to heal in their own way but then happen to cause hurt and shame.  Reminders of what was and what could have been.  Expectations and letting people down.  Each one a lash of the claws of the wolves that are circling trying to take down their prey.

Again, dramatic I know.

All this long ramble to say, I have allowed the lies that have been swirling and the insecurity attached to them to effect my day to day life.  I have been walking around like a zombie inside instead of embracing the fullness of life the Lord has so richly blessed me with.  I have put down my sword and shield and embraced the wounds instead of continuing to fight the battle.  It is so easy to remember the hard things, but just open your eyes to the vast riches that come from battles won.  So, I am taking some of those riches and Im getting a new mailbox….see what I did…full circle…..Only this time the mailbox will be anchored and not fall down.  The door will secure the truth inside and protect from anything other than that.  

    There will always be wolves prowling around, no matter where you go.  No matter if it is your “safe” place or not.  The thing of it is, we always have the armor of God.  We always have the power of the holy spirit, and we always have the redemption and victory of Christ.  Battle well my friends, I just picked my sword back up and am right there with you.  

Three Years

   The adventure continues!  I am currently sitting here in my parents house looking at their beautiful Christmas tree.  There is such a peace being home.  Such a peace as I settle back into living life here in Missouri.  If you don’t already know I transferred back to Missouri with work.  In addition to just moving back I have bought my first home.  Its crazy.  So many life changes all at once.  In the midst of crazy trying to get things done, I feel such a peace about it.  I feel such a gratefulness for the Lords provision in my life.  I feel humbled.  

   As I’m sitting here reflecting on my past year, and not only this year but my past three years in Pennsylvania, I just see so clearly now the Lords hand.  In the midst of it all it seemed like at points I was on my own.  I was trying to make decision after decision and seemed to always make the wrong one.  I think I hit some of my lowest of lows the past 3 years but also I think I had some of the deepest most lasting healing and restoration in my heart.  God is good. 

   I moved to Pennsylvania and for some reason just didn’t feel like I was connecting well.  My southern Charm wasn’t working for some reason on the East cost.  haha  I was trying to find a place to live and finally did thanks to my dear friends and Landlords on the 300 block of North Mary Street.  This home was a safe place for me and a sanctuary I will continue to look back on fondly.  I mean…I lived about a Ice Cream cafe….whats not to love.  

    In the first year I also was driving home jamming out to show tunes per usual.  I think I was actually sining “What do I need with love?” from Thoroughly Modern Millie and all of a sudden my back passenger window got shot out.  Talk about rolling our the welcome wagon.  That first year I felt raw.  I missed my family and felt extreme guilt for leaving but at the same time knew that this is where I was suppose to be.  I knew that in the midst of a lot of hard things happening I was where the Lord was going to do something.  So I trucked along.  A theme from the first year came from a line in Moses from Jethro the priest… You don’t know who you are…  Honestly that whole scene impacted me.  It was true though..I was vacillating from one version of Curtis to another version.  I wasn’t settled in my own self and it was killing me softly.  It was time for a change.

  Year two was Samson, and I think it is safe to say that that show was a journey for all of us.  No matter what anyone says….I still love the show.  I think a big reason why is because I experienced grace in deeper ways.  I always find it interesting that the lessons I learn tend to coincide with the shows Im doing.  For Samson it was watching him make choice after choice that was contrary to his calling.  I can relate……big time.  So every day I would sit on the temple set piece and listen to Samson sing “What is this grace”.  I would sit there and tear up almost every time because I have been forgiven.  I have been redeemed.  In the midst of this I was experiencing community both at the theater and outside that I was so desperately craving.  It wasn’t surface…it was deep and real and authentic.  It was a gift.  It was grace.  

   Year three was one of my favorite shows Jonah!!!  I loved the show but This past year devastated me. It flattened me out in every way possible I think.  I lost my niece.  I was desperate to be home with my family during that time.  I made some bad decisions that left scars and hurt that I never intended but because of my selfishness I made them.  I have never cried so much.  Anyone who has experienced grief knows that this undercurrent of sadness is a rushing river that could easily sweep you away.  At this bottom point I looked at my life and I looked at the cycle of sin I had been living and I just felt depraved in a more real way.  I needed to change and move and depend on the Father for everything or I would never have a life or a story worth telling.  I would never feel the true depths of His love for me and the richness of the Blessing of relationship with Him.  I had to let go.  I had to fully rest in a heavenly father i could not see and was honesty angry with because he had allowed so much hurt and so much hardship on not only my life but my entire family.  This gentle father picked me up though and loved with me with a strength and depth that I cannot accurately describe.  

   I recently watched a documentary called “The Heart of Man”  Which I Highly Recommend.  In the film it talks about the prodigal son and portrays it as this father crafting a beautiful violin and then teaching his son how to play it.  They enjoy making music together and that fellowship and then the son finds a new love in the sin he is being enticed by.  He drops the violin and it shatters. Fast forward to the son returning and the the Father has been making a new violin for him even before he got home. He hands it to the son and they begin to play again.  I feel like that is what happened to me after Reese passed away.  It was a wake up call that I needed to get right.  Life is a precious gift and should never NEVER be taken for granted.  I have a purpose on this earth that cannot be fulfilled if I waste my life being selfish and running away.  So I looked to my Father and he gave me this new Violin.  The strings are the same, but the Song is much different.  Its sweeter and sadder and richer.  I have a song and a testimony.  

    In the midst of this redemption year the Lord placed an amazing beautiful loving woman in my life to journey with.  She is a gift.  I can’t express how much she has been used by the Lord in the journey I have been on this year and I am so happy and excited to continue this journey with here for however long the Lord allows.  

   Three years….. Im so thankful for it.  For those who have been a part of my journey I thank you.  For all the ups and downs and in-betweens.  I would not be where I am or who I am today if it hadn’t have been for my time with you all.  Thank you and Thank you Lord for your provision and for your grace and for Life!  

Talk Talk Talk

I have recently been convicted by the old saying “Actions speak louder than words.”  I think in our world of technology and social media we get an out of jail free card when it comes to backing up what we say.  We think we can write a sappy post about someone or send a sweet text and that is enough.  I am all for words of affirmation.  I think it means so much when there is a heart felt word of encouragement given.  I think the older I get though, the more I see a flaw.  Talk is cheap if you don’t back it up.  

   Being a good Baptist boy, I was raised with people saying  “ill pray for you!”.  I didn’t doubt people when they would say that, until I started saying it…and realized that …..I wasn’t actually praying for them at all. I was just saying something to make me feel good and validated, and I never backed it up.  Makes them feel good and makes me look good, move on.  That is some faulty and manipulative logic.  I started being very intentional about saying the phrase.  It became awkward.  I either wouldn’t say anything at all or I would go to the opposite extreme and pray for them right then and there.  I didn’t not want to fit into a stereotype.  Then I felt the lens broaden.  What else am I not backing up?

    I looked to facebook and noticed the countless messages about my undying love and friendship for people.  The gush fest was a mile long.  I was looking at the kindness and thinking….am I backing this up?  Am I intentional in these peoples lives? Am I truly caring for them by writing this?  What is my motivation?  Is this just to help me not feel insecure and alone?  This kind of thinking can send my introverted brain into a tailspin.  For those of you who are reading this, I don’t want you to think that I didn’t mean things that I have said.  I am just saying I was awakened to the reality that I needed to be willing to backup with actions and intentionality what I was saying so freely.  

    Then I collided with someone who is the kindest person I know, and is able to back up every single gush fest!  haha!  At first I didn’t know how to navigate this but it honestly inspired me.  I would watch as she would share her heart so openly and beautifully and be so intentional with literally everyone in her life.  Boundary issues…yes….but a heart that reflected Christ in a way that I wanted to as well.  Its pretty great that I happen to be dating this girl.    

  So, here I am now writing about all that I have been learning and want to express to you all and to affirm in myself……it is possible to do this.  I watch it every day in my girlfriend….don't know how she does it…wait….I do…..Jesus.  We all have the ability to back up what we say.  We all have the ability to follow through with commitments and journey well with friends and family. It is scary and messy and awkward but thats the beauty of the journey I think.  We are constantly learning.  How beautiful would our relationships be if each of us followed through.  If each of us legitimately backed up the things we said with action and intentionality. LOVE IS A VERB!  It DOES!  It is in ACTION! This applies to so many areas of our lives.  Even our faith.  Are we backing it up or are we just talking?  So the next time you say something or post something….check the motivation behind it and be willing to walk the walk and not just talk.  I think we will all feel more fulfilled, more loved, and more connected as a result.  

A Gift

    This holiday season is filled with the typical lights and merriment.  Hot coco if flowing and the tree in my apartment is beautiful thanks to my roommate Evan.  In the midst of all the cheer and excitement for this, I find myself processing through grief.  This is the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my Niece Reece.  

    Something that I always looked forward to around the holidays was coming home from Pennsylvania and seeing my Niece dressed in her beautiful Christmas outfits.  Holding her and just getting a chance to soak up some quality time with her since I lived so far away.  I think the holidays are also a reminder that I wasn’t there in person as much as I would have liked to be.  To be able to have held her more.  Then, what ifs start swirling and I find myself overwhelmed with guilt.  I could have done more.  I could have been more.  

   Im being vulnerable about this because I think that is true for a lot of us during the holidays.  Not just those of us dealing with grief but those who are hurting in other ways.  Those that are triggered by the times that represent family and togetherness but end up being reminded of a wound. Something that I am reminded of daily doing the Christmas show I am doing, is that we have been given a gift.  A gift of life.  A gift of Christ.  A gift of forgiveness and wholeness through him.  A gift that although we will never be “enough” He within us is enough. 

   The time we had with my niece was a gift to me and my family.  The impact she had on our lives is beyond what I could write in this little blog.  My moving to Pennsylvania does not diminish the incredible love I had for her.  The pain of not being nearer is there, in the midst of knowing that the growth I have had in this chapter of my life has been nothing short of life changing.  A future I thought I would never see is on the horizon.  The legacy of Reese and her impact is evident in my life.  That reminder of the gift of life, and how we should never take it for granted.  That reminder that I can’t  continue a hurtful cycle of sin when faced with a death of someone who was innocent. I have a gift of life and I refuse to waste it.  Reese reflected Christ to me.  She reminded me to look to the cross instead of my past.   To look with expectancy toward a future he has for me because it is a gift.  

    So, As Thanksgiving approaches and Christmas jumps up right after I will celebrate with my Niece still.  I will feel what I need to feel.  I will Remember that Jesus came into the World to save us.  He came to give us a life not limited to this world, but a life everlasting.  I will celebrate knowing that she is going to be celebrating Jesus Birthday….with JESUS!  Talk about a celebration.  I imagine the sugar cookies are heavenly.  

   I love you Reese Harper.  You are so missed and so loved.  Merry Christmas.

Soaking it Up

    So, Autumn is upon us and the leaves are reaching their peak.  Nights are chillier and the crispness in the air just has a way of making you want to curl up with a hot drink and a book all day.  I love fall.  I love the beauty and color.  I love the food!  I love the holidays!  

     Right now though I am reflecting back to a fall that was horrible for me.  A relationship had just ended and I was left feeling like nothing would ever be the same.  I had put everything in that basket and pushed anyone away that questioned it.  Everything I had worked for was ripped away and I was forced to start over.  I normally don’t mind winter, but that winter was brutal.  It matched how my heart felt.  It matched where I wanted to stay because I had reached rock bottom.  I was bitter, angry, and depressed.  Instead of celebrating the beauty of Autumn I was chanting with everyone on game of thrones…Winter is COMING!

    Here is the beauty of how the Lord designed the seasons.  Its the cliche that everyone uses, but its true.  Winter is when things seem to die.  They go within themselves and then at the right time….new life.  The trees don’t die every year.  They make it through the winter and then when the time is right….open up again.  They Live through it.  The shed the vulnerable parts and press on.  Many plants do the same. 

   In that time I felt like the tree.  I shed the vulnerable parts.  The feelings I had.  My heart, my desires, all had to be stripped away so that I could make it through the season to come.  A season of trial and learning.  A season of growth and healing.  I feel like my winter might have lasted longer.  I think it lasted several years.  Years where I couldn’t open up.  It wasn’t time for spring and even though I might try to move forward, the bitter wind of winter would bring me back to the hibernation state.
     Plants respond to winter quicker than we do.  Its a matter of life and death.  A plants life is all about the Sun.  Its all about light, the mighty force that they use to produce their food.  Plants soak up the light, using it as the engine to power their continues growth.  The same is true for us metaphorically too.  In the winters of our lives the only thing sustaining us is the Light.  The only thing keeping us growing is Truth.  In those winters we might not want to see truth, and so we hinder the growth that could happen.  For me that was very true.  Only when we have the food to survive will we be able to open up to spring.  Open up to life and the future the Lord has for us. I had spent several years soaking up the Light and then retreating back to darkness.  I would feel the warmth and nourishment but then allow myself to hide.  I wasn’t able to move on to the next season because I wasn’t allowing myself the nourishment I needed for it.  

    So, here I am years later.  Its Autumn and Winter is coming, but for me….its Spring.  The Lord in his graciousness walked me through a winter that lasted far too long.  Walked me through my ups and downs.  He taught me the importance of Light again.  He taught me my dependence on truth.  He taught me to get back up after falling countless times. He taught me how to forgive myself because he has forgiven me and covered me.  He taught me that I am loved and worthy.  He taught me that I can love in a way that isn’t selfish.  He taught me that I am new, and I am ready to open up again.     
    As I sip on this Cinnamon Dolce latte and look at the leaves outside my house, I just say thank you.  To a Heavenly father who Loves so well.  For the gifts he gives for obedience and the grace he shows in times where I fight to be.  A new season is coming, for all of us.  Lets soak up the Light.  Lets soak up the Truth and be ready for it. 

Sunflowers

   Last year I was given a couple ferns as a gift.  They were massive and it was right at the tail end of fall which meant if I was going to keep them alive it would have to be inside.  So I found a reasonable place for each of the two ferns and proceeded to try and care for them well.  Things looked good for awhile.  Then some of the leaves started to die.  I would forget to water for a few days and realize that I had just killed an entire section.  I went on vacation and came back to realize that I had forgotten to tell someone to water one that wasn’t in plain sight.  It was in a back hallway.  Needless to say that one unfortunately met its demise. 

   So I return from vacation one fern down, and one struggling to survive.  Each day spring is getting closer and the temperatures are getting warm enough for me to get this poor plant outside.  I finally take it out and set it on my deck.  I looks even sadder outside.  At least in my room it was turned in such a way that shadows and placement made it look fairly healthy.  The sun hits it and I begin to water it.  Some parts of the fern are coming back to life beautifully and others seems to just stay dead.  

   Side note, I love birds and have two bird feeders on my deck.  I love sipping my coffee and watching them fly around and sing.  Just something simple about the pleasure they find in life.  With that simplicity comes a lot of mess.  These birds throw the seed everywhere which takes us back to the original story.  

     So I decide to pull out some of the dead parts of the fern.  I gently cut out the rotting parts and leave the healthy places.  After doing this I feel like the poor plant should just be thrown in the trash.  It barely resembles a fern anymore.  I continue to water it.  It continues to soak up the morning sun and enjoy the fresh air.  Then I notice a shift.  New things start springing out of the plant.  I think that they are weeds but I leave them to see what happens.  Not only did the healthy sections of my fern start thriving again, I now had a sunflower plant because some of the seeds had taken root in the pot that the fern was in.  This mangled fern had become something beautiful.  I now am looking at these beautiful happy sunflowers that are blooming, thankful I didn’t throw away the fern and give up on it.  

    Of course I see the Lord in this.  I think that is how He teaches me best is through visuals.   Seeing things that apply to my life in the world around me.  This plant is very similar to my heart.  To all of our hearts.  We hide in the shadows things that we don’t want to deal with.  We forget to feed our spirits.  We don’t allow the Lords light to soak into our hearts and as a result we have dead patches.  We have areas of our lives that we strategically maneuver in order to still look healthy, but we aren’t.  

   Then if we allow the master gardener to do his work, he takes us out into the fresh air.  We are exposed.  We are vulnerable and we feel like we should be thrown into the trash….but the gardener sees more.  He cuts out the dead.  He removes the sin areas of our lives and helps us cultivate health in the core of us.  With this tilled up soil that is being nurtured, fresh seeds fall of truth and life and take root.  Continuing to be open to the gardeners work new BEAUTIFUL LIFE springs forth.  

    The blessing of obedience is a journey and its challenging and its vulnerable…but the beauty that comes is something that brings joy and life that is far to good to miss out on.

Jesus

   Tonight I am sitting here just thankful for what the Lord has done.  I am looking at my life and all the mistakes that I have made and reminded that each and every thing I have is a gift.  My job, my ability to pay my bills, my apartment, my relationship.  All of it is a gift that could be take away at any moment.  Each thing I have done nothing to deserve. It is all the Lords and all precious to me.  So I sit here humbled with open hands.  

   I have a hard time opening up to people.  I fear that if people saw the scars of my not too far past that I would be rejected.  That I would be looked at differently.  If people saw me as I see myself half the time I wouldn’t be loved at all.  The thing of it is though….Jesus.    My sins are covered just like anyones.  The same Jesus who saved you is the one who saved me and will be faithful to continue his good work in me until it is finished.  No matter that is thrown against me Jesus will destroy it.  No matter what is used to create fear or insecurity, Jesus will stomp it out.  No matter how I might feel about myself…Jesus will speak truth and will continue to renew my mind.  

   So I sit here with my hands open and my eyes focused on Jesus. Overwhelmed by the gifts he has given me.  Humbled by his love I don’t deserve.  Empowered by the truth that I have been set free, and strengthen by the power of the shed blood of Jesus.  

    My name is Curtis Lee Wilson.  I am a sinner.  The Lord has done a miracle in my life. I don’t understand or believe it sometimes, but he has done it and will continue to strengthen and grow me.  I am a child of God. Lets journey together friends.  Lets focus together and lift each other up as we strive to be more like Jesus every day.  Life is to short to waste time with petty drama in life.  We are called to more.  Jesus died for more.