Anxiously Seeking Secure

     

    I think it is high time for my yearly blog post.  I don’t know why I got away from writing these as much as I use to.  I think part of me got caught up in life and the other part of me got lazy and didn’t want to write about my journey anymore.  As I was thinking about writing again, I went over to the blog and I read the last entry I had about letting go and loosening up my grip on things in my life.  I was so thankful to read that post again because it was a reminder of things I need to still put into practice.  

            I am finding that more and more I am encountered with my anxious attachment style and how I am constantly afraid of people leaving.  This stance of protection and fix it is exhausting and has led me into situation after situation of getting not only burnt out but deeply hurt.  With each run of this cycle, another part of me is allowed to fall into the belief that if I don’t live up to an expectation if I am not what this person needs in every way, if I don’t do what they want and meet their needs I am not worthy of love….a love that will stay…. a love that won’t want to leave.  The wake-up call recently is…..I’m part of this cycle.  I have control in this….I just have to take it. 

         

   The victim card has been played far too many times and with good reason…but maybe I’m not a victim as much as I think or feel sometimes.  Perhaps I could pick up that card and shuffle the deck and see what else I can bring to this game of life and relationship.  Maybe this new card I could place on the table could look more like self-worth and boundaries.  Maybe this new card could look like self-care and confidence.  Maybe it’s time to start investing in those things instead of relationships that don’t reciprocate a consistency of thought and belief in what it takes to maintain a relationship and care for the other partner.  Thinking about what my expectations need to be and truly are is something I find myself discarding in order to accommodate the relationship I am in.  Shuffle the deck…its time for things to change.

            

    So looking at the path ahead I am far more aware of what attachment is and what I need to be looking for.  I actually read an amazing book called “Attached” by Rachel Heller and Amir Levine.  This book dives into attachment theory and not only how our individual attachment styles develop but also how they interact with one another.  I felt so seen and understood when I was reading about anxious attachment.  I felt like maybe I’m not as crazy as I thought.  Or maybe I am….but I have brothers and sisters that are like me and get it.  Haha  I have been told many times that this anxious attachment is weak and sad.  That the person who has this attachment style doesn’t know who they really are and aren’t a whole person.  I think it is quite the contrary in so many ways.  Those with an anxious attachment are far more attuned to the needs of their partners…..we are the best at picking up cues and caring for them well.  We are loyal and consistent.  We are passionate givers and resilient beyond what we are given credit for.  No matter what happens we will journey through a battle or a wound in order to protect those we love and care for.  We know who we are…. we just choose to value those we are in a relationship with to a high degree…..sometimes to a fault.  

           

     The only thing that is sad about those who wrestle with anxious attachment issues is that we aren’t valued for what and who we are.  When matched with a secure attached person there isn’t the constant fear of loss.  There isn’t the wondering if they will change their mind.  What the secure attached person offers us is….stability.  The moment we feel like we are good enough….we flourish!  Not just flourish…we shine!  Better yet….we can finally push to a place where that anxious attachment develops into a secure attachment style.  After years of being modeled by family, friendships, and romantic partners that you are discardable and have to earn love, you finally can rest in the fact that you are worthy of love just by being here.  Just by showing up! 

           

     So, as I continue to loosen my grip on life and my relationships, I take hold of my own heart and feel that vibrant beating.  That rhythmic thump thump that lets me know that I am still alive and still here.  There is still time to take care of this bruised and battered man.  There is still time to live a great story.  Heck, this is a great story….but just wait…..the chapters to come and going to be even better.  Those are the chapters that this scared little boy from Missouri stops being so scared and starts celebrating being cared for well.  

Make That Change

           Hello, fellow Covid Warriors! The past few months have been nothing short of historic.  So much has happened on a global level and also on a national level here in the United States.  Bringing the focus in even closer each of us has had the opportunity to reflect and come face to face with our own selves.  Quarantine brought about an opportunity to do the self-work that has been sitting on the shelf behind all the day to day activities we distract ourselves with.   The dust was thick on some areas of my own life and it took some hard conversations to bring things into better clarity of what the root of some issues are.  

When the shelter at home order came and quarantine began it felt like a mixture of anxiety and also a little bit of a much-needed pause was being ushered into my life.  This time of not being able to work, travel, or even interact with friends like normal left me feeling antsy in my own skin.  I didn’t feel comfortable sitting still because for the first time in a long time I had nothing to do but think.  Think about the journey I had been on and how I had chosen to function and morph as a result of it.  Those little adjustments that we make over time can end up creating a way of functioning that no longer even resembles us.  So then, in these moments of stillness, we are left to process that change and to take a long look in the mirror and address what we see.  I can hear my sweet friend Michael Jackson singing his famous words of “I’m starting with the man in the mirror…..”.   You’re welcome for the gift of that song being stuck in your head now.  

Starting with the man in the mirror for me came with the realization that I am a caretaker and a fixer.  It is my mission to fix and help everyone and every situation.  This might seem like a selfless thing, but the reality is….No matter how selfless the intention is…..I want something out of it.  At the end of the day by helping, knowing that I receive out of it.  The satisfaction of caring for someone well.  The knowing that I did my part and made an impact for the good of someone else.  None of this is bad, but when left unchecked it can become a monster.  It can morph into control and a word that I truly hate…..manipulation.  I cringe at that word because it just sounds gross to me, like the word moist.  Manipulation is something I have experienced far too much of and try and avoid at all cost.  In my avoidance of it, I believe that I had begun to unintentionally walk right into it.  This realization came from conversations with some people that are very close to me.  People whose opinion I value more than most and when the word manipulation came out of their mouths, I found myself arguing to defend myself.  In this arguing, I had to stop and take a moment to really process what that looked like.  Was I unintentionally manipulating?  Was I allowing myself to control situations by maneuvering in such a way that I got the outcome I wanted?  The answer was sadly, yes.  

I am terrified of losing things, specifically people. I try my best to be all that I can be for my friends, family, and relationships.  Having experienced loss of relationships in the past I kept finding myself weirdly desperate to try and hold on to what I had left.  The Curtis who was once confident and independent became scared and codependent.  I was scared of being alone.  Scared of being left again.  Scared of being hurt another time, in another way, and not knowing what that carnage would do to me.  So, as a result, I fixed.  I worked hard to make sure everyone was happy and taken care of.  All the while adjusting bits of myself in order to make that happen.  In 2018, when I decided to come out, I shed a layer of that.  The constantly trying to make sure everyone was happy with my life stopped, and I finally claimed the freedom of who I was.  This caused loss.  Tremendous loss.  It was the right decision to make, but one that came at a cost.  So, I got up and kept moving.  The thing is, I was an open wound.  

Open wounds, left untreated, lead to infection and sickness.  They can even get to a point where that unfortunate body part needs to be cut off.  If it no longer functions it needs to be cut off to prevent the spread of infection to other parts of the body.  The thing of it is, I didn’t want to cut off my hand.  I needed it.  How could I function without my hand? I loved my hand! Next things you know the hand is gone and I am left trying to function without one.  Well crap!  So, what does one do in order to prevent an infection from getting to that extent? Treat the problem.  My problem was…..and is….that I hold on too tight.  This holding on is controlling to those in my world.  It can be a form of manipulation.  I want so desperately to make everything ok, but is that me talking?  Or is that the fix it in me talking?  Is that the wound talking?  

So, I sit here typing away and reflecting on my grip.  Looking at this man in the mirror that has so much to offer and so much to give.  Looking at this man in the mirror who needs to heal and continue to grow and learn.  I have some truly beautiful relationships in my life.  I am blessed and so thankful for what I have, but at the end of the day I need to learn to loosen up.  The pattern of gripping onto things and not allowing the natural flow to happen is a sure-fire way to repeat the same mistakes and the same manipulation.  White knuckling these relationships won’t create health and growth, it will prevent life from getting in.  My fix it mentality and true desire to care for people has a place and can be a beautiful gift.  I think I am just learning more that I am not defined by it, and I am not in control of the outcomes of it.  

As this pandemic is starting to slow and people are returning to work, this time of stillness and reflection is coming to a close.  This forced reflection as a nation has brought about some amazing opportunities to change.  I just hope that we all don’t get so caught up getting back to business as usual that we forget that we can make the time for that stillness even now.  We need to make that time.  We need to continue to reflect and “make that change”  as Mr. Jackson said at the end of the song.  

Broken Release

I am currently sitting up in my room at my Aunt and Uncle’s house in Vermont.  This place has been and will always be a safe place for me.  From the peacefulness of the property they live on, to the acceptance of me as a person and individual, I have always felt like I could breathe here.  Tonight, I am taking a deep breath in and exhaling as I let go of a chapter of my life.   

The past month has been one of the hardest in my life.  I have experienced some of the greatest heartache I think I have ever experienced, and I honestly felt like I might never recover.  True to form though, that reaction is dramatic and emotional.  I am recovering, I will recover, and I will be ok.  A process is a process, it isn’t a light switch that can be flipped.  Matters of the heart are always sensitive things.  Every time you put yourself out there you are risking something.  Friendships or otherwise there is always something that can be gained and lost, and you have to weigh out if the decisions are worth it or not. 

 I fell in love with a man who was truly the light of my life.  I fell in love with someone who made me feel like I was on top of the world.  I fell in love with a man who believed in me and pushed me. I fell in love with a man who made me laugh more than anyone. I fell in love with a man who I wanted to marry and was going to marry.  I fell in love.  I took the risk and although the outcome was far from what I trusted and believed it would be, I don’t regret it for a second….and more still….I continue to love him. 

 During the past 2 years, I have gone on a journey of discovery and acceptance.  I have fought through feelings of fear, anxiety, depression, loneliness, lack of drive, and hopelessness.  I also experienced a freedom I never have had,  and a weight lifted off of my shoulders that I never thought would be lifted.  I am a gay man who loves Jesus.  I am a Christian, who is attracted to men.  Something I was terrified of has now become something I embrace and is something I am proud of.  I am finally proud to be me.  I have experienced a community of friends who are second to none.  I have experienced a church home that allows you to come truly TRULY as you are and accepts you to the table with open arms.  I have experienced Love. 

            The one person who walked with me through all of it was this man.  He is strong and courageous and brave.  We leaned on each other through some of the toughest times.  We supported each other with each step we took and for that, I am forever grateful.  I experienced God in new ways and watched as he provided for our every step, and I know he will continue to provide for this new chapter for both of us.

As we BOTH go through the changes and emotions of the decisions made, I ask for this.  Pray for us BOTH  Reach out to us BOTH.  Support and encourage us BOTH.  There are no real winners in a breakup.  There are no real winners when it comes to breaking up and deciding to go in a different direction.  There is heartache to go around, but there is ultimately peace that comes in time.  There is peace that comes with community and family.  There is peace that comes with leaning on the steady arms of a heavenly father who is there and will be there through it all.  Then, when the time is right…..joy will come again.  

The old saying is that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  This bittersweet statement is something I want to throw out the window right now, but at the end of the day, I know it to be true.  I have experienced something that is precious and vulnerable and authentic.  I have experienced Love for another person and what it feels like to be willing to give anything for them.  Knowing that feeling and the beautiful thing that it is…knowing that I am able to feel that…..makes me hope and truly believe that it will come again.  I know it will.  

So, with this long-winded post, I will exhale.  I lift my hands up and open them.  Releasing what I have wanted to hold on to for so long, and I will leave them open to accept what will come next.  Expectant for the good things and hopeful for it all.  Thank you my friends and family that have truly been there.  Thank you to this community of strength and support.  Thank you for continuing to be there. 

Floral Prints and Planted Hearts

     I am currently wearing an obscenely floral shirt.  I just saw it in the store and thought how cool it was and how I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off.  I then looked at the price, and I was sold on taking the risk.  In wearing this shirt today I starting thinking how many metaphors have been thrown out about flowers.  Roses and love ,and how every rose has its thorns, and how love is beautiful and also painful.  The counting of petals as you rip them off to explain how sexual abstinence is good, and if you keep giving yourself away you will only have a stem to give to your future life partner.  So many comparisons to these beautiful delicate creations.  I am not sure why those came to the top of my mind, but there ya go!  

    I love flowers.  I love the smell.  I love the work it takes to cultivate and maintain flowers.  I love how some are delicate but some are actually rather hearty.  I love how they are given as gifts for both happy and sad occasions.  Flowers just have something about them that you can’t ignore.  They are special.  

    I can understand why so many people compare us as humans to flowers.  All the same things apply to us….well aside from being given as gifts.  haha.  We are beautiful, delicate but hearty.  We take work.  We smell….good and bad.   We are unique and individual and can’t be ignored.  I think what I was thinking about today regarding the parallels, is that not every flower is going to be taken care of the same way.  Each one has different needs.  All are beautiful in their own right, but the needs of a Rose are different than the needs of an Orchid.  

     I planted a few rose bushes at my old cottage.  I loved them so much but I had to figure out the best way to care for them.  I was told they are super hearty and that once you get them going they pretty much take care of themselves.  They just need alot of attention at first.  The ground has to be conducive to a good root system.  They need lots of water.  They need good  direct sunlight.  Once they take off, and the conditions in which they are planted are good, they will bloom and thrive.  I also had some Begonias that I planted that had totally different needs.  They needed less water and less direct sun.  In order for them to survive I couldn’t put them under the same rules for growth.  They would never thrive like that.  

    Here is the comparison I was thinking on.  We all have different needs.  We all are fed and function differently and to put everyone under the same set of rules and regulations would be foolish.  I am not talking about general rules.  Flowers all need water and all need some form of light…we all need guidelines and guardrails.  Look across the board for humans though.  We have conservatives and liberals.  We have Southern Baptists, catholics, pentecostals, and methodists.  We have outdoorsy people and those who prefer life indoors.  The list could go on and on.  Each person on their individual journey has different needs and different things that make them thrive.  Things that bring out passions and excitement.  Things that make them fall in love.  Things that make them angry.  At the end of the day though, just like with flowers planted and cared for according to what is best for them, we becomes a beautiful garden of humanity.  All the colors and shapes and sizes.  All the diversity of texture and depth.  

     Have you ever been to a really well cared for garden?  You can’t help but stop and admire its beauty and take it all in.  So, that  brings me to my long winded point.  Make sure you are planted where you should be, and are cared for in the way in which you need.  All the basics still apply.  If you are a person of  faith that is the basic food and water we need.  For others that might be different.  Then we move forward.  Some will need to be planted where there are lots of people.  Some will need to be planted in the isolated places of Northern Montana.  Some people need the arts…. like me.  Others need a sports stadium within 10 minutes.  Some need a community that has strict rules and regulations because they function well in that world.  Some need to feel more of a freedom in the midst of their structure.  

      I am realizing this more and more as I grow older and figure myself out, one layer at a time.  I use to think that I needed to stay in middle America.  I thought I would always feel the most at home there.  For awhile I thought that New York City was the place for me.  So many opportunities and excitement! Then I realized I need to be planted where I can have a little bit of both worlds.  City and country life at my fingertips sprinkled with the arts and culture that bring me to life.  That is where I grow and thrive the most.  I was raised Southern Baptist, but that is not where I grow and thrive the most.  That is not where I am fed to the fullest.  I still hold to my faith, but that denomination I have found isn’t for me as a whole.  Doesn’t make it bad at all…just isn’t where I need to be planted and fed.  Where do you need to be planted? 

     We all have to figure out what it is that feeds us and where is the best place to plant our hearts.  We are tasked with figuring that out.  No one else will be able to tell you…..although many will try and convince you otherwise.  Once you figure that out….don’t settle for anything less.  Allow the flower that you are to grow and bloom to its fullest and be admired for the unique creation that it is.  Surround yourself with a beautiful garden of well tended people and enjoy! You deserve it!  You are worthy of it! 

     

     So, let’s just stop and smell the roses.  Life is too short not to.  Life is but a breath.  Don’t waste it being planted where you can’t fully thrive and grow to your best.  

Retracting the Claws

Well, Here I am again. I feel like I have been writing a lot more lately. Thats a good thing because I love to write.  Its also a not so good thing sometimes because it usually means I have things I am processing. This one will be short and sweet though.  This blog is to apologize.  

     My last post, which I have reverted to a draft, was written in a place of anger and frustration.  It was written from a place of deep hurt that has just continued to grow deeper with situations that have happened. Unfortunately in all of this…..no one wins.  There is loss all around.  

    So, I apologize for airing laundry on here and allowing my emotions to get the better of me. I do believe that it is important to express that Anger is an emotion that needs to be felt and processed.  It is something that can bring out the worst in people and I believe that is what happened with my previous post.  Social media of any kind is not the place to do that in the way that I did.  After hearing some tough truth from my love, I made the decision to remove the post.  

    Human beings are complicated creatures.  At the end of the day we are responsible for us and how we conduct ourselves.  We are responsible for the character we have and the integrity that we show.  My desire on this journey is to be a man of Character.  A man who is quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger as it says in James.  I want to be a reflection of Christ in my life.  I want to love as I would want to be loved.  I want to showcase the positive and healthy fruit that the Lord continues to produce in my life.  

   For those who are navigating similar journeys.  I spoke to you before about continuing to fight.  This is part of that fight.  Acknowledging when you have not taken the high road and apologizing.  Rising above situations and not stooping to a level that isn’t you or who you want to be. 

   I remember as a kid always wanting to be stronger.  Always wanting to feel like I could stand up for myself.  When my brother and I would get in fights I would immediately drop to the floor, if there was no escape, because my legs were the strongest part of me.  I would just kick and pray that I would leave the fight unscathed.   As an adult my body has gotten stronger but I feel like sometimes I revert back to that kid who  fell to the ground and tried to escape the hurt with a few solid kicks.  The same is true now as it was then….the kicks do nothing really.  It might bring some instant gratification but you still end up hurt and you still don’t have the strength you hoped.  True strength can come in the stillness and rootedness of someone who stands their ground with confidence.  

   So, instead of an angry post, I am replacing that was this. I am thankful for the family I have around me that has chosen to be supportive and loving.  I am thankful for the relationship I am in and the fact the he was able to communicate an area I needed to grow in.  I am thankful for my relationship with the Lord which is still intact and feeding my life.  I am thankful for air in my lungs and a future that is bright.  I am thankful for provision and for love.  I am thankful.  Releasing all this anger and embracing the Good that has come and humbling looking forward to what is ahead.  Be kind out there y’all.  Choose to rise above.  Choose to love.  It’s what we all truly need.  

Aligning my Tires

And…….Exhale.  That is what I have been telling myself a lot the past weeks and months.  What a journey I have just been on.  A journey of the heart, mind, body, and spirit!  Truly something that has assaulted all of my senses with its ups and downs and curves.  Here we are though…in Lancaster, PA.  Back again to the streets and town I fell in love with years ago.  I am working at a shop downtown and learning so much what it means to be a manager and a leader.  Its hard y’all.  haha

     So, we breath in and we exhale as each step is taken.  Now is the time for settling down a bit and figuring out what this current chapter brings.  What are my goals?  What is the desire I have for my life?  For my relationship?  For my future?  Am I living content with what has been so richly given….or am I functioning in a posture of anxiety and fear.  I think more often than not it is the latter.  

    I had a friend just message me a story from a friend of his about a girl in counseling talking about how the Lord had been convicting her so much about the futility of the Hustle and trying to constantly achieve the next thing.  She expressed how she was feeling super insecure all the time and anxious about what was about to happen….right as something great had already happened.  Literally, great news one day….then the next day back to feeling anxious about what was next and where she was heading.  It’s exhausting!  

    I think we all can relate to her story to some degree.  The therapist she was seeing responded with suggesting that her goals were the issue.  We so often set goals for the next best thing; constantly living in a state of nothing every being good enough.  No house is big enough.  No job is fulfilling enough.  Nothing satisfies.  The Therapist suggested that instead of aligning her life around her goals she should align her life around her values.  When we focus on what is truly valuable.  What values sustain us and fulfill us…..it makes every achievement something surrounded with gratefulness and contentment.  We are spitting in the face of something that has great value and promise.  

     This might seem like basic stuff, but for me today it smacked me across the face.  The past 6 months I have moved twice and changed jobs 3 times….its been exhausting and left my confidence shot and my anxiety high!  Taking a moment while I am sitting here an my little shop, I see the fingerprints of God on my life.  I see the fruit that is there and the good that has been brought and continues to be produced.  I am BEYOND grateful for the provision in my life.  I am humbled and grateful for the people who have loved in a way that has blown me away.  

   Contentment.  Exhale.  Align with values….with what is valuable….what is real.  Have an amazing day out there.  You are loved….you are valuable…. believe it and see it friends.

      

Just.....Be

Hey there, bloggers. It's been a long time! So, I am not sure who all follows this blog anymore.  I haven’t posted in a very long time, and this post I am about to write is long overdue.  

     I started this blog as I was about to head out on a cruise ship.  If you scroll back to the beginning you will get to see a journey of a man who has wrestled with the Lord on a variety of issues, but the biggest one has been my sexuality.  I have fought a long hard fight to maintain that I am not gay.  To fight who I have been told for a long time that I cannot be.  It has been an exhausting journey that has grown me in ways I never imagined but also left wounds that are deeper than I can even express fully here in this blog.  Maybe one day I will dive into all of that a little more.  

     The sad thing is that my story isn’t a new one.  It isn’t a unique story except for the cast of characters that played the roles.  I was raised in the Church, in a Christian home.  I had two parents that loved me and desired for me to share the same beliefs as they have.  I did Church choir and youth group.  I participated in every single event I could.  I loved Jesus and I loved the community of people I had around me.  They were my best friends.  Some of them still are.  

     Then, as I started to navigate my sexuality, things started to change.  The fear and shame attached to even thinking about being gay was heaped on me.  The fear of eternal hell and separation from the Lord.  The fear of losing everything and everyone I loved.  The fear of not being enough.  All of these were a constant reminder that I couldn’t be what I felt deeply inside that I was. I was trapped.  "Damned if I do, damned if I don’t," situation.  It was horrible.  I was taught through this shame to hate myself.  To feel insecure and weak because if I were to strongly proclaim myself, I would be slammed by those who would adamantly disagree.  

      So, like so many, I tried to fake it till I made it.  I dated some truly amazing women.  Women who taught me so much about love, caring for someone, family, and working hard in relationships.  The sad thing is, I was letting them down.  I was letting myself down.  In the attempt to make myself what others wanted me to be, I was destroying not only myself, but these amazing women.  The hearts that were broken on my journey of finding and embracing my true self were far too many.  To those who might be reading this now,  I am SO sorry.  I pray for your forgiveness and that your hearts have been or will be continually restored.  

       I don’t think well intending Christian folks understand what they are doing when they openly and aggressively condemn those of us who are navigating the reconciling of our faith and sexuality.  This fear and shame only leads to hiding.  Leads to a culture that is steeped in secrets.  In the shadows is where I believe Satan wants us to stay.  In the culture of hookups and casual sex that slowly eats away at you.  Where you can’t fully be in a relationship for fear of someone finding out.  Someone hurting you.  Someone reminding you that you are less than them and going to hell.  That you are an abomination.  This shadowland, isn’t intended for anyone, it isn’t what God intended.  Yet, for the sake of sharing the Truth they believe, that is where people put us.  Leaving us to figure out a way to claw and climb back into the light.  

      So, as I look back over the blog entries here, I see that struggle.  The ups and downs.  The insecurities and the trials.  We all have them, but the gloss over mine is the desire to please my family.  My friends.  To make them proud of me.  The thing of it is…..conditional love…..it isn’t love at all.  If we are all striving to be like Christ, then why do we hold on so tightly to the conditions for us to be able to love and accept people?  If I would have had a supportive community that first moment I was caught looking at something on my family's computer that was "gay,"…what would have happened? I know--trust.  Safety.  The ability to walk this all out in the light and express the fear and sadness as it happened.  I would have been able to avoid the hurt of hookup-culture and the pain of breaking the hearts of women who only wanted to love and be loved back.  I could have had a family that-regardless if they agreed or disagreed with the choice-could have accepted and loved both me and the person I am with….because we all would have navigated this road together. 

      I am in love with an amazing man.  I am committed to him and dedicated to him more than I have ever experienced in my life.  We have had challenge after challenge presented to us and I still hold fast to two things.  I have a God that loves me fully, and unconditionally.  I have a God who accepts me as his child and wants the best for me, which is to walk closely to him…unashamed of who I am.  Seeking to be better and to grow.  I also know that I love the man I am with, and I want to spend my life with him.  

     No matter what the reactions are to this blog, I think it was high time I started talking in the light about things I have been wrestling with in the dark.  It's time I am allowed the same fresh air to breath while I journey with the relationship I am in.  It is time for me to be free, be brave, and be loved. 

Swords and Hearts

Last week I went to the doctor.  Something I hate doing.  There is something about a doctors office that sends me on a tail spin of worries about my health or the health of those I love.  I have spent a decent amount of time in hospitals and usually it has been for hard situations.  Needless to say, not my favorite place.  This visit was no different. 

  I have been experiencing major chest pain.  The pain the grabs on and makes you feel like you are having a heart attack.  The first time I experienced it I felt like I was going to pass out.  It was the clenching around my heart that felt like it could explode at any moment.  True to form I decided to ride it out and just see if things got better.  They did as stress subsided for a bit and then it came back again several weeks later.  Multiple times I have experienced the same pain and finally I decided to listen to those I had shared this experience with and made an appointment.  

   

   I talk to the doctor and she was amazing.  She talked me through some of the stressors in my life.  She talked to me about the feeling I was having during my episodes.  She then suggested I get an EKG.  So I agreed.  Lots of wires were then attached to my body and I proceeded to lay there while they got a little bit of a view of my heart.  The doctor came back after everything and said that my heart looked healthy.  She said that stress can do strange things to our bodies and if we don’t learn how to focus it well then it could lead to literal damage to your heart among other things. 

    

My heart is healthy……but outside things are were making me feel like it wasn’t.  

    The power of peoples words is more than we fully realize.  I think we acknowledge it from time to time but over all people to make the conscious decision to think before they speak.  Before they condemn.  Before they express sarcasm or jabbing remarks.  We have a sword that is our tongues, and it is deadly.  

   

  My Literal heart has been affected by the stresses of my life lately.  From moving, to establishing a community back here in Branson.  From navigating family and friends and relationships.  I bought a house.  I had to buy a new car.  Im getting older.  All these things just kind of creeped up.  This in and of itself can cause stress.  Add in the fact that everyone has an opinion. Should you have bought that car?  Should you have bought that house?  Do you realize how much work there is?  You’re how old now?  Have you planned for retirement?  All are good intentioned questions.  Are you going to get married?  Should you be dating someone right now?  Maybe you just need to be single?  People want to be a part of your life so that express their feelings.  

  

   This is all well and good if there is a follow through.  I have some dear friends in my life that I can have very raw conversations with.  They are always there.  They are always loving and supportive.  They have no conditions on their love.  They express.  They support.  They love.  There is balance.  The stress comes in when those tough people come up and decide they know whats best.  They have all the answers and know that they are right.  Obviously……the person they are talking to hasn’t thought through their life.  Obviously…….they need someone to make sure they know the truth and I am going to be the one to tell them!  If I help the lowly then I will have raised myself up.   To quote a friend of mine” I think some people get so bored that they have to create situations to elevate themselves and their own self righteousness.”  We all fall into this trap unfortunately.  

    

   So, I’m sitting on the doctors table.  My heart is fine.  Its my focus thats off.  I have been focusing on what so many other people have been screaming.  I have been focused on all the disappointments or fears others have been laying on my shoulders.  I have lost track of that still small voice of the Lord saying…..You are loved…..you are mine……nothing and no one will take you from my hand…..I have you…..I will protect you…..I will sustain you.  The sweet sounds of peace from a heavenly father who is the king of intentionality and the king of unconditional love.  

   

    We are his children.  He is the perfect father.  He is the one sitting beside us on those nights where we question a path.  Where we question a relationship. Where we question our faith.  He is the one sitting there.  Not screaming condemnation…but affirming love and prompting our hearts to focus on him.  So weather it be your literal heart muscle that needs you to refocus, or your emotional heart muscle, its time to kindly refocus.  There might be situations that need fresh boundaries.  Its time to make them.  Your future depends on it.  

New Roots

Today I had the day off from work for a little self care/ yard work day.  I was planning on taking a little trip up to Pennsylvania but it didn’t work out but I kept a day to get some things done.  One of the main projects I was undertaking was digging up an old half dead bush in my front flower bed. 

This evergreen bush has so many dead sections that it really had no appeal at all.  I got out my shovels and a saw, then proceeded to start removing it. The roots were in so deep, even though I cut off the top section it still had much more that needed to be dug out.  I know this is cliche and has been used too many times to count, but it just made me remember all the stuff that has been planted in my life that just needs removed.  Good intentions thoughts and feelings that I allowed to grow and take root to where they choke out the good that the Lord might have had for me.  

   

I finally got this bush removed and took a quick trip to lowes to get the supplies I needed to plant something new.  I took the advice of my parents and chose Knock Out Roses.  I got three rose bushes and some cedar mulch and also some fresh soil.  I dug new holes and laid down new soil.  I put landscape fabric over it to protect it from weeds sprouting up and then used the mulch to hold in moisture and protect a little more from the elements.  Then I watered each of the bushes to allow them the sustenance they needed to take root.  

   

This old bush had been there for years.  There were left over roots still there that could potentially sprout up again.  At the end of the day though something new has been planted.  Something that can actually flourish and thrive.  Something that if cared for could produce a fragrance and a beauty that will far surpass what the half dead bush ever could.  

  

What “old bushes” have we been nurturing in our lives?  What things have we been holding on to in hopes that one day they will take root again and perhaps bring something back to life?  Is it not worth it to attempt something new?  Thats kind of where I am at right now.  After fighting for a bush that I had fought and nurtured for so long and seeing that it was always going to be half dead, it is time for me to plant something new.  Something beautiful.  Something that will take work, but in the end will knock out what came before it.  

Battlefield....Mailbox....?

    Today I tried to put a new mailbox up.  My current mailbox had a lid that fell off and was unfortunately run over by the mailman.  I tried to figure out a way to reattach it but it just kept falling off.  So I went to Lowes and bought a new box….then went back to Lowes because I needed a bracket to hold it, but they didn’t sell the kind I needed so I just bought a whole new post. 

   I got home and attached the mailbox to the arm and then proceeded outside to get the post ready.  I dug a hole….and kept hammering rocks.  I dug and dug and just wasn’t getting anywhere.  Then I started slamming the post into the ground hoping that I could get it to stay….but as soon as I tried to attach the box it immediately fell over.  So now I have a mailbox attached to a post….laying in my yard.  

    This is how life feels to me right now. 

Dramatic I know.  

   In all seriousness I feel like I am not receiving mail to my brain lately.  The mail I am getting is soggy and weathered because the door has fallen off protecting what I am receiving.  I love a good analogy.  So yes, I bought a new mailbox in the real world but today I also got one for my heart.  I have for some reason allowed insecurity and peoples opinions of me to distract me.  Ive allowed them to run over the door that protects what i take in.  

    Let me try another way of describing.  In the past year I have experienced a kind of freedom I never thought that i would have.  It isn’t a pretty, sparkly, kind of freedom.  It is the kind that is fought for in the trenches.  It is a battle worn freedom that at the end of the day is satisfying but requires some recovery.  I thought that as the Lord transitioned me back home to Branson that I would be walking into recovery time.  In some ways it Has been, but in a lot of ways new challenged and battles have been raised that I didn’t image.  It feels like I just fought off a pack of wolves and then right as i catch my breath another pack has come and sunk their claws into me.  

    People spreading lies and untruth in order to gain something.  People scoffing at something they don’t understand.  People trying to heal in their own way but then happen to cause hurt and shame.  Reminders of what was and what could have been.  Expectations and letting people down.  Each one a lash of the claws of the wolves that are circling trying to take down their prey.

Again, dramatic I know.

All this long ramble to say, I have allowed the lies that have been swirling and the insecurity attached to them to effect my day to day life.  I have been walking around like a zombie inside instead of embracing the fullness of life the Lord has so richly blessed me with.  I have put down my sword and shield and embraced the wounds instead of continuing to fight the battle.  It is so easy to remember the hard things, but just open your eyes to the vast riches that come from battles won.  So, I am taking some of those riches and Im getting a new mailbox….see what I did…full circle…..Only this time the mailbox will be anchored and not fall down.  The door will secure the truth inside and protect from anything other than that.  

    There will always be wolves prowling around, no matter where you go.  No matter if it is your “safe” place or not.  The thing of it is, we always have the armor of God.  We always have the power of the holy spirit, and we always have the redemption and victory of Christ.  Battle well my friends, I just picked my sword back up and am right there with you.  

Three Years

   The adventure continues!  I am currently sitting here in my parents house looking at their beautiful Christmas tree.  There is such a peace being home.  Such a peace as I settle back into living life here in Missouri.  If you don’t already know I transferred back to Missouri with work.  In addition to just moving back I have bought my first home.  Its crazy.  So many life changes all at once.  In the midst of crazy trying to get things done, I feel such a peace about it.  I feel such a gratefulness for the Lords provision in my life.  I feel humbled.  

   As I’m sitting here reflecting on my past year, and not only this year but my past three years in Pennsylvania, I just see so clearly now the Lords hand.  In the midst of it all it seemed like at points I was on my own.  I was trying to make decision after decision and seemed to always make the wrong one.  I think I hit some of my lowest of lows the past 3 years but also I think I had some of the deepest most lasting healing and restoration in my heart.  God is good. 

   I moved to Pennsylvania and for some reason just didn’t feel like I was connecting well.  My southern Charm wasn’t working for some reason on the East cost.  haha  I was trying to find a place to live and finally did thanks to my dear friends and Landlords on the 300 block of North Mary Street.  This home was a safe place for me and a sanctuary I will continue to look back on fondly.  I mean…I lived about a Ice Cream cafe….whats not to love.  

    In the first year I also was driving home jamming out to show tunes per usual.  I think I was actually sining “What do I need with love?” from Thoroughly Modern Millie and all of a sudden my back passenger window got shot out.  Talk about rolling our the welcome wagon.  That first year I felt raw.  I missed my family and felt extreme guilt for leaving but at the same time knew that this is where I was suppose to be.  I knew that in the midst of a lot of hard things happening I was where the Lord was going to do something.  So I trucked along.  A theme from the first year came from a line in Moses from Jethro the priest… You don’t know who you are…  Honestly that whole scene impacted me.  It was true though..I was vacillating from one version of Curtis to another version.  I wasn’t settled in my own self and it was killing me softly.  It was time for a change.

  Year two was Samson, and I think it is safe to say that that show was a journey for all of us.  No matter what anyone says….I still love the show.  I think a big reason why is because I experienced grace in deeper ways.  I always find it interesting that the lessons I learn tend to coincide with the shows Im doing.  For Samson it was watching him make choice after choice that was contrary to his calling.  I can relate……big time.  So every day I would sit on the temple set piece and listen to Samson sing “What is this grace”.  I would sit there and tear up almost every time because I have been forgiven.  I have been redeemed.  In the midst of this I was experiencing community both at the theater and outside that I was so desperately craving.  It wasn’t surface…it was deep and real and authentic.  It was a gift.  It was grace.  

   Year three was one of my favorite shows Jonah!!!  I loved the show but This past year devastated me. It flattened me out in every way possible I think.  I lost my niece.  I was desperate to be home with my family during that time.  I made some bad decisions that left scars and hurt that I never intended but because of my selfishness I made them.  I have never cried so much.  Anyone who has experienced grief knows that this undercurrent of sadness is a rushing river that could easily sweep you away.  At this bottom point I looked at my life and I looked at the cycle of sin I had been living and I just felt depraved in a more real way.  I needed to change and move and depend on the Father for everything or I would never have a life or a story worth telling.  I would never feel the true depths of His love for me and the richness of the Blessing of relationship with Him.  I had to let go.  I had to fully rest in a heavenly father i could not see and was honesty angry with because he had allowed so much hurt and so much hardship on not only my life but my entire family.  This gentle father picked me up though and loved with me with a strength and depth that I cannot accurately describe.  

   I recently watched a documentary called “The Heart of Man”  Which I Highly Recommend.  In the film it talks about the prodigal son and portrays it as this father crafting a beautiful violin and then teaching his son how to play it.  They enjoy making music together and that fellowship and then the son finds a new love in the sin he is being enticed by.  He drops the violin and it shatters. Fast forward to the son returning and the the Father has been making a new violin for him even before he got home. He hands it to the son and they begin to play again.  I feel like that is what happened to me after Reese passed away.  It was a wake up call that I needed to get right.  Life is a precious gift and should never NEVER be taken for granted.  I have a purpose on this earth that cannot be fulfilled if I waste my life being selfish and running away.  So I looked to my Father and he gave me this new Violin.  The strings are the same, but the Song is much different.  Its sweeter and sadder and richer.  I have a song and a testimony.  

    In the midst of this redemption year the Lord placed an amazing beautiful loving woman in my life to journey with.  She is a gift.  I can’t express how much she has been used by the Lord in the journey I have been on this year and I am so happy and excited to continue this journey with here for however long the Lord allows.  

   Three years….. Im so thankful for it.  For those who have been a part of my journey I thank you.  For all the ups and downs and in-betweens.  I would not be where I am or who I am today if it hadn’t have been for my time with you all.  Thank you and Thank you Lord for your provision and for your grace and for Life!  

Talk Talk Talk

I have recently been convicted by the old saying “Actions speak louder than words.”  I think in our world of technology and social media we get an out of jail free card when it comes to backing up what we say.  We think we can write a sappy post about someone or send a sweet text and that is enough.  I am all for words of affirmation.  I think it means so much when there is a heart felt word of encouragement given.  I think the older I get though, the more I see a flaw.  Talk is cheap if you don’t back it up.  

   Being a good Baptist boy, I was raised with people saying  “ill pray for you!”.  I didn’t doubt people when they would say that, until I started saying it…and realized that …..I wasn’t actually praying for them at all. I was just saying something to make me feel good and validated, and I never backed it up.  Makes them feel good and makes me look good, move on.  That is some faulty and manipulative logic.  I started being very intentional about saying the phrase.  It became awkward.  I either wouldn’t say anything at all or I would go to the opposite extreme and pray for them right then and there.  I didn’t not want to fit into a stereotype.  Then I felt the lens broaden.  What else am I not backing up?

    I looked to facebook and noticed the countless messages about my undying love and friendship for people.  The gush fest was a mile long.  I was looking at the kindness and thinking….am I backing this up?  Am I intentional in these peoples lives? Am I truly caring for them by writing this?  What is my motivation?  Is this just to help me not feel insecure and alone?  This kind of thinking can send my introverted brain into a tailspin.  For those of you who are reading this, I don’t want you to think that I didn’t mean things that I have said.  I am just saying I was awakened to the reality that I needed to be willing to backup with actions and intentionality what I was saying so freely.  

    Then I collided with someone who is the kindest person I know, and is able to back up every single gush fest!  haha!  At first I didn’t know how to navigate this but it honestly inspired me.  I would watch as she would share her heart so openly and beautifully and be so intentional with literally everyone in her life.  Boundary issues…yes….but a heart that reflected Christ in a way that I wanted to as well.  Its pretty great that I happen to be dating this girl.    

  So, here I am now writing about all that I have been learning and want to express to you all and to affirm in myself……it is possible to do this.  I watch it every day in my girlfriend….don't know how she does it…wait….I do…..Jesus.  We all have the ability to back up what we say.  We all have the ability to follow through with commitments and journey well with friends and family. It is scary and messy and awkward but thats the beauty of the journey I think.  We are constantly learning.  How beautiful would our relationships be if each of us followed through.  If each of us legitimately backed up the things we said with action and intentionality. LOVE IS A VERB!  It DOES!  It is in ACTION! This applies to so many areas of our lives.  Even our faith.  Are we backing it up or are we just talking?  So the next time you say something or post something….check the motivation behind it and be willing to walk the walk and not just talk.  I think we will all feel more fulfilled, more loved, and more connected as a result.  

A Gift

    This holiday season is filled with the typical lights and merriment.  Hot coco if flowing and the tree in my apartment is beautiful thanks to my roommate Evan.  In the midst of all the cheer and excitement for this, I find myself processing through grief.  This is the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my Niece Reece.  

    Something that I always looked forward to around the holidays was coming home from Pennsylvania and seeing my Niece dressed in her beautiful Christmas outfits.  Holding her and just getting a chance to soak up some quality time with her since I lived so far away.  I think the holidays are also a reminder that I wasn’t there in person as much as I would have liked to be.  To be able to have held her more.  Then, what ifs start swirling and I find myself overwhelmed with guilt.  I could have done more.  I could have been more.  

   Im being vulnerable about this because I think that is true for a lot of us during the holidays.  Not just those of us dealing with grief but those who are hurting in other ways.  Those that are triggered by the times that represent family and togetherness but end up being reminded of a wound. Something that I am reminded of daily doing the Christmas show I am doing, is that we have been given a gift.  A gift of life.  A gift of Christ.  A gift of forgiveness and wholeness through him.  A gift that although we will never be “enough” He within us is enough. 

   The time we had with my niece was a gift to me and my family.  The impact she had on our lives is beyond what I could write in this little blog.  My moving to Pennsylvania does not diminish the incredible love I had for her.  The pain of not being nearer is there, in the midst of knowing that the growth I have had in this chapter of my life has been nothing short of life changing.  A future I thought I would never see is on the horizon.  The legacy of Reese and her impact is evident in my life.  That reminder of the gift of life, and how we should never take it for granted.  That reminder that I can’t  continue a hurtful cycle of sin when faced with a death of someone who was innocent. I have a gift of life and I refuse to waste it.  Reese reflected Christ to me.  She reminded me to look to the cross instead of my past.   To look with expectancy toward a future he has for me because it is a gift.  

    So, As Thanksgiving approaches and Christmas jumps up right after I will celebrate with my Niece still.  I will feel what I need to feel.  I will Remember that Jesus came into the World to save us.  He came to give us a life not limited to this world, but a life everlasting.  I will celebrate knowing that she is going to be celebrating Jesus Birthday….with JESUS!  Talk about a celebration.  I imagine the sugar cookies are heavenly.  

   I love you Reese Harper.  You are so missed and so loved.  Merry Christmas.

Soaking it Up

    So, Autumn is upon us and the leaves are reaching their peak.  Nights are chillier and the crispness in the air just has a way of making you want to curl up with a hot drink and a book all day.  I love fall.  I love the beauty and color.  I love the food!  I love the holidays!  

     Right now though I am reflecting back to a fall that was horrible for me.  A relationship had just ended and I was left feeling like nothing would ever be the same.  I had put everything in that basket and pushed anyone away that questioned it.  Everything I had worked for was ripped away and I was forced to start over.  I normally don’t mind winter, but that winter was brutal.  It matched how my heart felt.  It matched where I wanted to stay because I had reached rock bottom.  I was bitter, angry, and depressed.  Instead of celebrating the beauty of Autumn I was chanting with everyone on game of thrones…Winter is COMING!

    Here is the beauty of how the Lord designed the seasons.  Its the cliche that everyone uses, but its true.  Winter is when things seem to die.  They go within themselves and then at the right time….new life.  The trees don’t die every year.  They make it through the winter and then when the time is right….open up again.  They Live through it.  The shed the vulnerable parts and press on.  Many plants do the same. 

   In that time I felt like the tree.  I shed the vulnerable parts.  The feelings I had.  My heart, my desires, all had to be stripped away so that I could make it through the season to come.  A season of trial and learning.  A season of growth and healing.  I feel like my winter might have lasted longer.  I think it lasted several years.  Years where I couldn’t open up.  It wasn’t time for spring and even though I might try to move forward, the bitter wind of winter would bring me back to the hibernation state.
     Plants respond to winter quicker than we do.  Its a matter of life and death.  A plants life is all about the Sun.  Its all about light, the mighty force that they use to produce their food.  Plants soak up the light, using it as the engine to power their continues growth.  The same is true for us metaphorically too.  In the winters of our lives the only thing sustaining us is the Light.  The only thing keeping us growing is Truth.  In those winters we might not want to see truth, and so we hinder the growth that could happen.  For me that was very true.  Only when we have the food to survive will we be able to open up to spring.  Open up to life and the future the Lord has for us. I had spent several years soaking up the Light and then retreating back to darkness.  I would feel the warmth and nourishment but then allow myself to hide.  I wasn’t able to move on to the next season because I wasn’t allowing myself the nourishment I needed for it.  

    So, here I am years later.  Its Autumn and Winter is coming, but for me….its Spring.  The Lord in his graciousness walked me through a winter that lasted far too long.  Walked me through my ups and downs.  He taught me the importance of Light again.  He taught me my dependence on truth.  He taught me to get back up after falling countless times. He taught me how to forgive myself because he has forgiven me and covered me.  He taught me that I am loved and worthy.  He taught me that I can love in a way that isn’t selfish.  He taught me that I am new, and I am ready to open up again.     
    As I sip on this Cinnamon Dolce latte and look at the leaves outside my house, I just say thank you.  To a Heavenly father who Loves so well.  For the gifts he gives for obedience and the grace he shows in times where I fight to be.  A new season is coming, for all of us.  Lets soak up the Light.  Lets soak up the Truth and be ready for it. 

Sunflowers

   Last year I was given a couple ferns as a gift.  They were massive and it was right at the tail end of fall which meant if I was going to keep them alive it would have to be inside.  So I found a reasonable place for each of the two ferns and proceeded to try and care for them well.  Things looked good for awhile.  Then some of the leaves started to die.  I would forget to water for a few days and realize that I had just killed an entire section.  I went on vacation and came back to realize that I had forgotten to tell someone to water one that wasn’t in plain sight.  It was in a back hallway.  Needless to say that one unfortunately met its demise. 

   So I return from vacation one fern down, and one struggling to survive.  Each day spring is getting closer and the temperatures are getting warm enough for me to get this poor plant outside.  I finally take it out and set it on my deck.  I looks even sadder outside.  At least in my room it was turned in such a way that shadows and placement made it look fairly healthy.  The sun hits it and I begin to water it.  Some parts of the fern are coming back to life beautifully and others seems to just stay dead.  

   Side note, I love birds and have two bird feeders on my deck.  I love sipping my coffee and watching them fly around and sing.  Just something simple about the pleasure they find in life.  With that simplicity comes a lot of mess.  These birds throw the seed everywhere which takes us back to the original story.  

     So I decide to pull out some of the dead parts of the fern.  I gently cut out the rotting parts and leave the healthy places.  After doing this I feel like the poor plant should just be thrown in the trash.  It barely resembles a fern anymore.  I continue to water it.  It continues to soak up the morning sun and enjoy the fresh air.  Then I notice a shift.  New things start springing out of the plant.  I think that they are weeds but I leave them to see what happens.  Not only did the healthy sections of my fern start thriving again, I now had a sunflower plant because some of the seeds had taken root in the pot that the fern was in.  This mangled fern had become something beautiful.  I now am looking at these beautiful happy sunflowers that are blooming, thankful I didn’t throw away the fern and give up on it.  

    Of course I see the Lord in this.  I think that is how He teaches me best is through visuals.   Seeing things that apply to my life in the world around me.  This plant is very similar to my heart.  To all of our hearts.  We hide in the shadows things that we don’t want to deal with.  We forget to feed our spirits.  We don’t allow the Lords light to soak into our hearts and as a result we have dead patches.  We have areas of our lives that we strategically maneuver in order to still look healthy, but we aren’t.  

   Then if we allow the master gardener to do his work, he takes us out into the fresh air.  We are exposed.  We are vulnerable and we feel like we should be thrown into the trash….but the gardener sees more.  He cuts out the dead.  He removes the sin areas of our lives and helps us cultivate health in the core of us.  With this tilled up soil that is being nurtured, fresh seeds fall of truth and life and take root.  Continuing to be open to the gardeners work new BEAUTIFUL LIFE springs forth.  

    The blessing of obedience is a journey and its challenging and its vulnerable…but the beauty that comes is something that brings joy and life that is far to good to miss out on.

Jesus

   Tonight I am sitting here just thankful for what the Lord has done.  I am looking at my life and all the mistakes that I have made and reminded that each and every thing I have is a gift.  My job, my ability to pay my bills, my apartment, my relationship.  All of it is a gift that could be take away at any moment.  Each thing I have done nothing to deserve. It is all the Lords and all precious to me.  So I sit here humbled with open hands.  

   I have a hard time opening up to people.  I fear that if people saw the scars of my not too far past that I would be rejected.  That I would be looked at differently.  If people saw me as I see myself half the time I wouldn’t be loved at all.  The thing of it is though….Jesus.    My sins are covered just like anyones.  The same Jesus who saved you is the one who saved me and will be faithful to continue his good work in me until it is finished.  No matter that is thrown against me Jesus will destroy it.  No matter what is used to create fear or insecurity, Jesus will stomp it out.  No matter how I might feel about myself…Jesus will speak truth and will continue to renew my mind.  

   So I sit here with my hands open and my eyes focused on Jesus. Overwhelmed by the gifts he has given me.  Humbled by his love I don’t deserve.  Empowered by the truth that I have been set free, and strengthen by the power of the shed blood of Jesus.  

    My name is Curtis Lee Wilson.  I am a sinner.  The Lord has done a miracle in my life. I don’t understand or believe it sometimes, but he has done it and will continue to strengthen and grow me.  I am a child of God. Lets journey together friends.  Lets focus together and lift each other up as we strive to be more like Jesus every day.  Life is to short to waste time with petty drama in life.  We are called to more.  Jesus died for more.  

Make It Rain

  Tonight I walked home in the rain.  It started out as a little sprinkle and then transformed into a downpour.  I was with my dog child Charlie and instead of running home as fast as we could I walked.  I let the rain wash all over.  By the time we made it home I was soaked.  I think I love rain because it washes things away.  It brings life and refreshes dry ground.  Also because Singing in the Rain is one of my favorite musicals.  ha.  

   Today was a tough day.  Just navigating life and challenges as they come.  Looking at my past and not being the most proud of it but thankful for the journey and how the Lord has used everything to grow my character and transform my heart.  Over the past few months I have watched the Lord completely till up the soil in my life so that new seeds can be planted. Healthy seeds.  I have watched as my family has gathered around to support one another.  I have watched hard things bring about the most beautiful growth I have seen in a long time.  All of this is because of God.  All of this is because we are/ I am in a place of total dependence on Jesus for every second of every day.  

    With this new chapter comes some fear and anxiety.  Comes the inevitable kick back of those who might not understand or support you.  The looks, the gossip, the hurts.  Boundaries change and relationships evolve to bring about what the Lord has called you to.  I think that no matter what, if you are seeking the Lords will for your life with everything you have, it is going to be uncomfortable for awhile.  Its turning a rudder on a boat that was going fast in another direction.  The only way to make sure you get on the right course is to hold tight to the rudder and keep going.  

  So, tonights gift from the Lord to me was a rain shower. Not just a physical one that left me drenched, but a spiritual one that reminded me that I am washed clean.  Just like the rain sweeps away the dirt and grime, Jesus has washed away mine.  The canvas of my heart that I allowed so many people to write things that weren’t true on, has been washed clean by the shed blood of Jesus who gently writes…REDEEMED CHILD OF GOD.  

   So, next time you get stuck in a downpour, consider taking a walk instead of a run.  For me, it was exactly what I needed.

Lessons I Learned From My Dog

    The thing that Charlie also does during this time is try and figure out a way around the path we are going.  He tries to turn a different way thinking it will make it faster.  When in reality is forces us off the path that would get us there in the right amount of time.  His focus isn’t on me…its on everything else.  

     

    Today I have been reflecting a lot on where the Lord has brought me.  How he has been so patient with me and so loving in the midst of mistake after mistake.  I have hurt so many people.  I have caused damage that I can’t begin to repair.  From my family to relationships that I’ve allowed boundaries to get blurred.  Instead of listening to my master and trusting his timing and his plan I have pulled ahead and hurt myself and others.  It is a humbling thing to look back on your life and see the carnage of the mistakes you have made.  

   

    Here is the thing though….There is still a dog park for Charlie to go to if he allows me to guide him there.  Likewise, there is still the desires of my heart and ultimately the desires of Gods heart for me….if I just let him lead.  He knows the path that is best.  He knows the pace that is healthy.  He knows what is truly good for me.  

    

    So, that is where I am today.  To those in my life who might be reading this that I have hurt so deeply, I am deeply sorry.  I pray for your forgiveness and for peace.  I pray for healing.  I am thankful for a Master; for a God who picks up the pieces and mends broken things.  I am thankful for a God who restores and lifts up.  A God who calls us up to something more than we think we deserve.  I am thankful for a God who rips the lid off of the caskets we put ourselves in thinking that we are dead to hopes and dreams that we have.  

    

    My favorite part of taking Charlie to the dog park is letting him off his leash at the end and seeing him run free. Playing with all his other dog friends. Enjoying the thing he was so desperately wanting.  I think that is the same way the Lord feels when he releases us from the chains of sin and lets us free.  Lets us run into the promises he has for our lives and the GOOD that he had planned all along.