Three Years

   The adventure continues!  I am currently sitting here in my parents house looking at their beautiful Christmas tree.  There is such a peace being home.  Such a peace as I settle back into living life here in Missouri.  If you don’t already know I transferred back to Missouri with work.  In addition to just moving back I have bought my first home.  Its crazy.  So many life changes all at once.  In the midst of crazy trying to get things done, I feel such a peace about it.  I feel such a gratefulness for the Lords provision in my life.  I feel humbled.  

   As I’m sitting here reflecting on my past year, and not only this year but my past three years in Pennsylvania, I just see so clearly now the Lords hand.  In the midst of it all it seemed like at points I was on my own.  I was trying to make decision after decision and seemed to always make the wrong one.  I think I hit some of my lowest of lows the past 3 years but also I think I had some of the deepest most lasting healing and restoration in my heart.  God is good. 

   I moved to Pennsylvania and for some reason just didn’t feel like I was connecting well.  My southern Charm wasn’t working for some reason on the East cost.  haha  I was trying to find a place to live and finally did thanks to my dear friends and Landlords on the 300 block of North Mary Street.  This home was a safe place for me and a sanctuary I will continue to look back on fondly.  I mean…I lived about a Ice Cream cafe….whats not to love.  

    In the first year I also was driving home jamming out to show tunes per usual.  I think I was actually sining “What do I need with love?” from Thoroughly Modern Millie and all of a sudden my back passenger window got shot out.  Talk about rolling our the welcome wagon.  That first year I felt raw.  I missed my family and felt extreme guilt for leaving but at the same time knew that this is where I was suppose to be.  I knew that in the midst of a lot of hard things happening I was where the Lord was going to do something.  So I trucked along.  A theme from the first year came from a line in Moses from Jethro the priest… You don’t know who you are…  Honestly that whole scene impacted me.  It was true though..I was vacillating from one version of Curtis to another version.  I wasn’t settled in my own self and it was killing me softly.  It was time for a change.

  Year two was Samson, and I think it is safe to say that that show was a journey for all of us.  No matter what anyone says….I still love the show.  I think a big reason why is because I experienced grace in deeper ways.  I always find it interesting that the lessons I learn tend to coincide with the shows Im doing.  For Samson it was watching him make choice after choice that was contrary to his calling.  I can relate……big time.  So every day I would sit on the temple set piece and listen to Samson sing “What is this grace”.  I would sit there and tear up almost every time because I have been forgiven.  I have been redeemed.  In the midst of this I was experiencing community both at the theater and outside that I was so desperately craving.  It wasn’t surface…it was deep and real and authentic.  It was a gift.  It was grace.  

   Year three was one of my favorite shows Jonah!!!  I loved the show but This past year devastated me. It flattened me out in every way possible I think.  I lost my niece.  I was desperate to be home with my family during that time.  I made some bad decisions that left scars and hurt that I never intended but because of my selfishness I made them.  I have never cried so much.  Anyone who has experienced grief knows that this undercurrent of sadness is a rushing river that could easily sweep you away.  At this bottom point I looked at my life and I looked at the cycle of sin I had been living and I just felt depraved in a more real way.  I needed to change and move and depend on the Father for everything or I would never have a life or a story worth telling.  I would never feel the true depths of His love for me and the richness of the Blessing of relationship with Him.  I had to let go.  I had to fully rest in a heavenly father i could not see and was honesty angry with because he had allowed so much hurt and so much hardship on not only my life but my entire family.  This gentle father picked me up though and loved with me with a strength and depth that I cannot accurately describe.  

   I recently watched a documentary called “The Heart of Man”  Which I Highly Recommend.  In the film it talks about the prodigal son and portrays it as this father crafting a beautiful violin and then teaching his son how to play it.  They enjoy making music together and that fellowship and then the son finds a new love in the sin he is being enticed by.  He drops the violin and it shatters. Fast forward to the son returning and the the Father has been making a new violin for him even before he got home. He hands it to the son and they begin to play again.  I feel like that is what happened to me after Reese passed away.  It was a wake up call that I needed to get right.  Life is a precious gift and should never NEVER be taken for granted.  I have a purpose on this earth that cannot be fulfilled if I waste my life being selfish and running away.  So I looked to my Father and he gave me this new Violin.  The strings are the same, but the Song is much different.  Its sweeter and sadder and richer.  I have a song and a testimony.  

    In the midst of this redemption year the Lord placed an amazing beautiful loving woman in my life to journey with.  She is a gift.  I can’t express how much she has been used by the Lord in the journey I have been on this year and I am so happy and excited to continue this journey with here for however long the Lord allows.  

   Three years….. Im so thankful for it.  For those who have been a part of my journey I thank you.  For all the ups and downs and in-betweens.  I would not be where I am or who I am today if it hadn’t have been for my time with you all.  Thank you and Thank you Lord for your provision and for your grace and for Life!  

Talk Talk Talk

I have recently been convicted by the old saying “Actions speak louder than words.”  I think in our world of technology and social media we get an out of jail free card when it comes to backing up what we say.  We think we can write a sappy post about someone or send a sweet text and that is enough.  I am all for words of affirmation.  I think it means so much when there is a heart felt word of encouragement given.  I think the older I get though, the more I see a flaw.  Talk is cheap if you don’t back it up.  

   Being a good Baptist boy, I was raised with people saying  “ill pray for you!”.  I didn’t doubt people when they would say that, until I started saying it…and realized that …..I wasn’t actually praying for them at all. I was just saying something to make me feel good and validated, and I never backed it up.  Makes them feel good and makes me look good, move on.  That is some faulty and manipulative logic.  I started being very intentional about saying the phrase.  It became awkward.  I either wouldn’t say anything at all or I would go to the opposite extreme and pray for them right then and there.  I didn’t not want to fit into a stereotype.  Then I felt the lens broaden.  What else am I not backing up?

    I looked to facebook and noticed the countless messages about my undying love and friendship for people.  The gush fest was a mile long.  I was looking at the kindness and thinking….am I backing this up?  Am I intentional in these peoples lives? Am I truly caring for them by writing this?  What is my motivation?  Is this just to help me not feel insecure and alone?  This kind of thinking can send my introverted brain into a tailspin.  For those of you who are reading this, I don’t want you to think that I didn’t mean things that I have said.  I am just saying I was awakened to the reality that I needed to be willing to backup with actions and intentionality what I was saying so freely.  

    Then I collided with someone who is the kindest person I know, and is able to back up every single gush fest!  haha!  At first I didn’t know how to navigate this but it honestly inspired me.  I would watch as she would share her heart so openly and beautifully and be so intentional with literally everyone in her life.  Boundary issues…yes….but a heart that reflected Christ in a way that I wanted to as well.  Its pretty great that I happen to be dating this girl.    

  So, here I am now writing about all that I have been learning and want to express to you all and to affirm in myself……it is possible to do this.  I watch it every day in my girlfriend….don't know how she does it…wait….I do…..Jesus.  We all have the ability to back up what we say.  We all have the ability to follow through with commitments and journey well with friends and family. It is scary and messy and awkward but thats the beauty of the journey I think.  We are constantly learning.  How beautiful would our relationships be if each of us followed through.  If each of us legitimately backed up the things we said with action and intentionality. LOVE IS A VERB!  It DOES!  It is in ACTION! This applies to so many areas of our lives.  Even our faith.  Are we backing it up or are we just talking?  So the next time you say something or post something….check the motivation behind it and be willing to walk the walk and not just talk.  I think we will all feel more fulfilled, more loved, and more connected as a result.  

A Gift

    This holiday season is filled with the typical lights and merriment.  Hot coco if flowing and the tree in my apartment is beautiful thanks to my roommate Evan.  In the midst of all the cheer and excitement for this, I find myself processing through grief.  This is the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my Niece Reece.  

    Something that I always looked forward to around the holidays was coming home from Pennsylvania and seeing my Niece dressed in her beautiful Christmas outfits.  Holding her and just getting a chance to soak up some quality time with her since I lived so far away.  I think the holidays are also a reminder that I wasn’t there in person as much as I would have liked to be.  To be able to have held her more.  Then, what ifs start swirling and I find myself overwhelmed with guilt.  I could have done more.  I could have been more.  

   Im being vulnerable about this because I think that is true for a lot of us during the holidays.  Not just those of us dealing with grief but those who are hurting in other ways.  Those that are triggered by the times that represent family and togetherness but end up being reminded of a wound. Something that I am reminded of daily doing the Christmas show I am doing, is that we have been given a gift.  A gift of life.  A gift of Christ.  A gift of forgiveness and wholeness through him.  A gift that although we will never be “enough” He within us is enough. 

   The time we had with my niece was a gift to me and my family.  The impact she had on our lives is beyond what I could write in this little blog.  My moving to Pennsylvania does not diminish the incredible love I had for her.  The pain of not being nearer is there, in the midst of knowing that the growth I have had in this chapter of my life has been nothing short of life changing.  A future I thought I would never see is on the horizon.  The legacy of Reese and her impact is evident in my life.  That reminder of the gift of life, and how we should never take it for granted.  That reminder that I can’t  continue a hurtful cycle of sin when faced with a death of someone who was innocent. I have a gift of life and I refuse to waste it.  Reese reflected Christ to me.  She reminded me to look to the cross instead of my past.   To look with expectancy toward a future he has for me because it is a gift.  

    So, As Thanksgiving approaches and Christmas jumps up right after I will celebrate with my Niece still.  I will feel what I need to feel.  I will Remember that Jesus came into the World to save us.  He came to give us a life not limited to this world, but a life everlasting.  I will celebrate knowing that she is going to be celebrating Jesus Birthday….with JESUS!  Talk about a celebration.  I imagine the sugar cookies are heavenly.  

   I love you Reese Harper.  You are so missed and so loved.  Merry Christmas.

Soaking it Up

    So, Autumn is upon us and the leaves are reaching their peak.  Nights are chillier and the crispness in the air just has a way of making you want to curl up with a hot drink and a book all day.  I love fall.  I love the beauty and color.  I love the food!  I love the holidays!  

     Right now though I am reflecting back to a fall that was horrible for me.  A relationship had just ended and I was left feeling like nothing would ever be the same.  I had put everything in that basket and pushed anyone away that questioned it.  Everything I had worked for was ripped away and I was forced to start over.  I normally don’t mind winter, but that winter was brutal.  It matched how my heart felt.  It matched where I wanted to stay because I had reached rock bottom.  I was bitter, angry, and depressed.  Instead of celebrating the beauty of Autumn I was chanting with everyone on game of thrones…Winter is COMING!

    Here is the beauty of how the Lord designed the seasons.  Its the cliche that everyone uses, but its true.  Winter is when things seem to die.  They go within themselves and then at the right time….new life.  The trees don’t die every year.  They make it through the winter and then when the time is right….open up again.  They Live through it.  The shed the vulnerable parts and press on.  Many plants do the same. 

   In that time I felt like the tree.  I shed the vulnerable parts.  The feelings I had.  My heart, my desires, all had to be stripped away so that I could make it through the season to come.  A season of trial and learning.  A season of growth and healing.  I feel like my winter might have lasted longer.  I think it lasted several years.  Years where I couldn’t open up.  It wasn’t time for spring and even though I might try to move forward, the bitter wind of winter would bring me back to the hibernation state.
     Plants respond to winter quicker than we do.  Its a matter of life and death.  A plants life is all about the Sun.  Its all about light, the mighty force that they use to produce their food.  Plants soak up the light, using it as the engine to power their continues growth.  The same is true for us metaphorically too.  In the winters of our lives the only thing sustaining us is the Light.  The only thing keeping us growing is Truth.  In those winters we might not want to see truth, and so we hinder the growth that could happen.  For me that was very true.  Only when we have the food to survive will we be able to open up to spring.  Open up to life and the future the Lord has for us. I had spent several years soaking up the Light and then retreating back to darkness.  I would feel the warmth and nourishment but then allow myself to hide.  I wasn’t able to move on to the next season because I wasn’t allowing myself the nourishment I needed for it.  

    So, here I am years later.  Its Autumn and Winter is coming, but for me….its Spring.  The Lord in his graciousness walked me through a winter that lasted far too long.  Walked me through my ups and downs.  He taught me the importance of Light again.  He taught me my dependence on truth.  He taught me to get back up after falling countless times. He taught me how to forgive myself because he has forgiven me and covered me.  He taught me that I am loved and worthy.  He taught me that I can love in a way that isn’t selfish.  He taught me that I am new, and I am ready to open up again.     
    As I sip on this Cinnamon Dolce latte and look at the leaves outside my house, I just say thank you.  To a Heavenly father who Loves so well.  For the gifts he gives for obedience and the grace he shows in times where I fight to be.  A new season is coming, for all of us.  Lets soak up the Light.  Lets soak up the Truth and be ready for it. 

Sunflowers

   Last year I was given a couple ferns as a gift.  They were massive and it was right at the tail end of fall which meant if I was going to keep them alive it would have to be inside.  So I found a reasonable place for each of the two ferns and proceeded to try and care for them well.  Things looked good for awhile.  Then some of the leaves started to die.  I would forget to water for a few days and realize that I had just killed an entire section.  I went on vacation and came back to realize that I had forgotten to tell someone to water one that wasn’t in plain sight.  It was in a back hallway.  Needless to say that one unfortunately met its demise. 

   So I return from vacation one fern down, and one struggling to survive.  Each day spring is getting closer and the temperatures are getting warm enough for me to get this poor plant outside.  I finally take it out and set it on my deck.  I looks even sadder outside.  At least in my room it was turned in such a way that shadows and placement made it look fairly healthy.  The sun hits it and I begin to water it.  Some parts of the fern are coming back to life beautifully and others seems to just stay dead.  

   Side note, I love birds and have two bird feeders on my deck.  I love sipping my coffee and watching them fly around and sing.  Just something simple about the pleasure they find in life.  With that simplicity comes a lot of mess.  These birds throw the seed everywhere which takes us back to the original story.  

     So I decide to pull out some of the dead parts of the fern.  I gently cut out the rotting parts and leave the healthy places.  After doing this I feel like the poor plant should just be thrown in the trash.  It barely resembles a fern anymore.  I continue to water it.  It continues to soak up the morning sun and enjoy the fresh air.  Then I notice a shift.  New things start springing out of the plant.  I think that they are weeds but I leave them to see what happens.  Not only did the healthy sections of my fern start thriving again, I now had a sunflower plant because some of the seeds had taken root in the pot that the fern was in.  This mangled fern had become something beautiful.  I now am looking at these beautiful happy sunflowers that are blooming, thankful I didn’t throw away the fern and give up on it.  

    Of course I see the Lord in this.  I think that is how He teaches me best is through visuals.   Seeing things that apply to my life in the world around me.  This plant is very similar to my heart.  To all of our hearts.  We hide in the shadows things that we don’t want to deal with.  We forget to feed our spirits.  We don’t allow the Lords light to soak into our hearts and as a result we have dead patches.  We have areas of our lives that we strategically maneuver in order to still look healthy, but we aren’t.  

   Then if we allow the master gardener to do his work, he takes us out into the fresh air.  We are exposed.  We are vulnerable and we feel like we should be thrown into the trash….but the gardener sees more.  He cuts out the dead.  He removes the sin areas of our lives and helps us cultivate health in the core of us.  With this tilled up soil that is being nurtured, fresh seeds fall of truth and life and take root.  Continuing to be open to the gardeners work new BEAUTIFUL LIFE springs forth.  

    The blessing of obedience is a journey and its challenging and its vulnerable…but the beauty that comes is something that brings joy and life that is far to good to miss out on.

Jesus

   Tonight I am sitting here just thankful for what the Lord has done.  I am looking at my life and all the mistakes that I have made and reminded that each and every thing I have is a gift.  My job, my ability to pay my bills, my apartment, my relationship.  All of it is a gift that could be take away at any moment.  Each thing I have done nothing to deserve. It is all the Lords and all precious to me.  So I sit here humbled with open hands.  

   I have a hard time opening up to people.  I fear that if people saw the scars of my not too far past that I would be rejected.  That I would be looked at differently.  If people saw me as I see myself half the time I wouldn’t be loved at all.  The thing of it is though….Jesus.    My sins are covered just like anyones.  The same Jesus who saved you is the one who saved me and will be faithful to continue his good work in me until it is finished.  No matter that is thrown against me Jesus will destroy it.  No matter what is used to create fear or insecurity, Jesus will stomp it out.  No matter how I might feel about myself…Jesus will speak truth and will continue to renew my mind.  

   So I sit here with my hands open and my eyes focused on Jesus. Overwhelmed by the gifts he has given me.  Humbled by his love I don’t deserve.  Empowered by the truth that I have been set free, and strengthen by the power of the shed blood of Jesus.  

    My name is Curtis Lee Wilson.  I am a sinner.  The Lord has done a miracle in my life. I don’t understand or believe it sometimes, but he has done it and will continue to strengthen and grow me.  I am a child of God. Lets journey together friends.  Lets focus together and lift each other up as we strive to be more like Jesus every day.  Life is to short to waste time with petty drama in life.  We are called to more.  Jesus died for more.  

Make It Rain

  Tonight I walked home in the rain.  It started out as a little sprinkle and then transformed into a downpour.  I was with my dog child Charlie and instead of running home as fast as we could I walked.  I let the rain wash all over.  By the time we made it home I was soaked.  I think I love rain because it washes things away.  It brings life and refreshes dry ground.  Also because Singing in the Rain is one of my favorite musicals.  ha.  

   Today was a tough day.  Just navigating life and challenges as they come.  Looking at my past and not being the most proud of it but thankful for the journey and how the Lord has used everything to grow my character and transform my heart.  Over the past few months I have watched the Lord completely till up the soil in my life so that new seeds can be planted. Healthy seeds.  I have watched as my family has gathered around to support one another.  I have watched hard things bring about the most beautiful growth I have seen in a long time.  All of this is because of God.  All of this is because we are/ I am in a place of total dependence on Jesus for every second of every day.  

    With this new chapter comes some fear and anxiety.  Comes the inevitable kick back of those who might not understand or support you.  The looks, the gossip, the hurts.  Boundaries change and relationships evolve to bring about what the Lord has called you to.  I think that no matter what, if you are seeking the Lords will for your life with everything you have, it is going to be uncomfortable for awhile.  Its turning a rudder on a boat that was going fast in another direction.  The only way to make sure you get on the right course is to hold tight to the rudder and keep going.  

  So, tonights gift from the Lord to me was a rain shower. Not just a physical one that left me drenched, but a spiritual one that reminded me that I am washed clean.  Just like the rain sweeps away the dirt and grime, Jesus has washed away mine.  The canvas of my heart that I allowed so many people to write things that weren’t true on, has been washed clean by the shed blood of Jesus who gently writes…REDEEMED CHILD OF GOD.  

   So, next time you get stuck in a downpour, consider taking a walk instead of a run.  For me, it was exactly what I needed.

Lessons I Learned From My Dog

    The thing that Charlie also does during this time is try and figure out a way around the path we are going.  He tries to turn a different way thinking it will make it faster.  When in reality is forces us off the path that would get us there in the right amount of time.  His focus isn’t on me…its on everything else.  

     

    Today I have been reflecting a lot on where the Lord has brought me.  How he has been so patient with me and so loving in the midst of mistake after mistake.  I have hurt so many people.  I have caused damage that I can’t begin to repair.  From my family to relationships that I’ve allowed boundaries to get blurred.  Instead of listening to my master and trusting his timing and his plan I have pulled ahead and hurt myself and others.  It is a humbling thing to look back on your life and see the carnage of the mistakes you have made.  

   

    Here is the thing though….There is still a dog park for Charlie to go to if he allows me to guide him there.  Likewise, there is still the desires of my heart and ultimately the desires of Gods heart for me….if I just let him lead.  He knows the path that is best.  He knows the pace that is healthy.  He knows what is truly good for me.  

    

    So, that is where I am today.  To those in my life who might be reading this that I have hurt so deeply, I am deeply sorry.  I pray for your forgiveness and for peace.  I pray for healing.  I am thankful for a Master; for a God who picks up the pieces and mends broken things.  I am thankful for a God who restores and lifts up.  A God who calls us up to something more than we think we deserve.  I am thankful for a God who rips the lid off of the caskets we put ourselves in thinking that we are dead to hopes and dreams that we have.  

    

    My favorite part of taking Charlie to the dog park is letting him off his leash at the end and seeing him run free. Playing with all his other dog friends. Enjoying the thing he was so desperately wanting.  I think that is the same way the Lord feels when he releases us from the chains of sin and lets us free.  Lets us run into the promises he has for our lives and the GOOD that he had planned all along.  

Reflections on a Jet Plane

    I am currently sitting on a plane heading home from a great week at home in Missouri.  I am so thankful for time with family that was relaxing, restoring, and fun.  Brought some healing to my heart that is so precious to me.  
    
    During the course of the week the Lord was just reminding me of how much he has provided and continues to provide for both myself and my family.  Not just us, but I am hearing story after story of the Lord just coming through for friends and showing how good of a father he is.  From situations that are hard and heart breaking bringing joy and healing, to just the little day to day things that he shows himself in. He is intimately acquainted with our lives and our hearts and wants the best for us! 
    
    I find myself in a space where I am holding my life open. Surrounded by a lot of what ifs.  A lot of possibilities that are happening both good and hard.  Things that I have no control of and I am totally dependent on the Lords provision.  For me this is a challenge.  I like to be able to control my life.  To make things happen on my own.  This of course is futile.  If I want Gods best.  If I want to be able to share a story of what the Lord is doing I have to let him do it.  I have to life up my hands and allow my Heavenly Father grab them and take me on the ride. 
   
    I think in the midst of these times the enemy is right there waiting to trip you up.  Waiting to rob your joy and bring you to a place of fear.  To distract you with something that might seem appealing but is nothing compared to what the Lord is doing.  Don’t give in.  Keep going!  Keep pressing in and running to the father.
    
    When I was younger I would love it when my dad would grab my hands and swing me around. Spinning around laughing and screaming for joy.  My brother and I would fight for another turn as my dad's arms slowly wore out.  I think that's how we should be with our Heavenly Father.  Jumping up and down excited for our next turn.  Arms outstretched waiting for the joy he will bring. Knowing that he will never let us go. 

Happy Birthday Reese

   

     Today is my Nieces Birthday.  She would have been three today.  This trip home has been hard because this is the first trip where she hasn’t physically been here.  There is no going over and seeing her.  No holding her.  No playing with her hair.  My little angel Niece is now in Heaven watching us continue to celebrate her as a family.  She is watching as we get the family together and still have cake and ice cream.  She is watching as we write messages to send to her on balloons.  This little girl has had an impact on us all.

    

     Yesterday, I was helping my brother and sister in law do some things around their house.  As I was doing that my sister in law Chelsea showed me Reese’s Urn where her ashes are.  She showed me the mold they made of her little hand and the lock of hair they kept.  She then opened up a little bag and showed me these little things.  They were Reese’s finger prints.  Chelsea gave one to me as a gift and what a beautiful impact it has made on my heart.  

     

     The beautiful thing about finger prints is that they are unique.  There isn’t a finger print that is the same.  They are defining characteristics that set you apart from everyone else.  Reese has left her fingerprint on all of our lives.  Anyone who has heard her story of held her in person has been impacted in some way big or small.  That finger print is unique for each person.  For some it was a reminder that life is short.  For some it was a reminder to keep fighting.  For some it was a reminder that family is important and to never take it for granted.  No matter what, that finger print had an impact.  

    

     I think about my niece and her impact and then I think about the Lord and the impact he can have on our lives.  The finger print he leaves is something that can bring new life and full life.  His finger print on our lives is his provision for everything we need.  For healing.  For freedom.  His fingerprint is that he created our fingerprints to begin with!!!!

  

      So as I sit here holding this little gift of one of Reese’s finger prints I thank God for his provision.  I thank God for his unfailing love and for his purpose that is far bigger and wider and deeper than I could ever imagine.  I thank God for his finger print on my life, and how although I have gone through struggles and hardships he is giving me a fingerprint that reflects him and his impact in my life.  In my family’s lives.  My prayer is that I am leaving the fingerprint on those I interact with.  That I am touching lives for the better like my precious Niece did.  

    

      Happy Birthday Reese.  I love you so much.  Im a proud uncle of an Angel. 

Sugar Free

    So, yesterday was a rough day.  One of those days where you can’t seem to push through the fog.  My thoughts were all over the place and focus seemed to be something of a golden ticket I was desperately trying to unwrap in a chocolate bar.  Of course Charlie got it!

   

    I decided in addition to giving up social media for awhile I am going to give up sugar for 21 days.  Several of the other guys in my dressing room are doing this all with me, so there is strength in numbers.  I have found such a strange parallel with giving up sugar and my battle over my mind though.  So easily I allow things to enter my thoughts that should not be there.  I let my heart dwell in places that harden it, or abuse it.  I need to be taking those thoughts captive and replacing any untruth I encounter with the truth that the Lord has provided.  Just like this giving up sugar, I find that when I try to remove those things, I feel the withdrawals.  I am detoxing from the things that might taste good but that are ultimately not the best for me.  

    

    Yesterday, in the midst of feeling like I was in constant prayer to fight untruth, I had a thought that I didn’t want to be here anymore.  Just wishing that the Lord would return or just take me home already.  Its all just too much.  I was praying this and thinking, does he even hear me.  I felt at that moment like I was pleading to nothing but the ceiling.  

   

   I walked up to take my place before the next scene in the show I am in started and my friend Amber walked up to me.  We normally catch up at that time or pray together.  Today we talked for a second and then she literally spoke out to me the thoughts I had just had.  She acknowledged the untruth that was trying to get to my heart and it was like the Lord was speaking through her in that moment, “Curtis, I see you.  I hear your prayers.  I am here with you. Keep going!”.   I was taken aback by what she had just said to me.  A mix of embarrassed and filled with peace.  The God of the universe just responded to me….  Literally within moments.  I don’t think I have ever experienced anything like that before.  It was such a gift.  

    

    Now, I would like to say that the rest of the day was amazing but it was still hard.  I still had to fight off thoughts.  I still had to flee from temptations that I so badly wanted to chase after.  The thing that remained consistent though was the knowledge that He heard me.  That he continues to hear me.  

    

    I hate going without sugar right now.  I hate that I can’t run to the cupboard and grab some of the sweets I just received from my dear friends Adam and Lindsey.  (I got an amazing care package the day I stopped sugar.)  My 21 days of no sugar will be up soon enough and I can go back to enjoying a sweet now and again, but the thing that I don’t ever want to change is the constant pursuit of truth and applying that truth to my heart.  I have spent many years indulging in the sweets of this world that have left me empty and unhealthy, I praise God that he is with me as I change this emotional diet for the mana he has provided in his word though the Holy Spirit. 

   

   As I am finishing this blog I am literally craving cookies, so I am going to go and have some popcorn.  Love you all so much.  Be brave…We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us!  

Blind Steps

   This morning I was going about my normal routine.  I started the coffee.  I took my vitamins.  I showered and tried to look somewhat presentable.  I made some breakfast and then grabbed the leash to walk Charlie.  He did his normal jumping around with excitement as he heard the metallic jingle of his collar.  I tried to muster up half the excitement he had, but I really just wanted to go back to bed.  

     So, we started on our walk.  I left my phone inside because during our walks I like to disconnect from the world and have some connect time with the Lord.  I was praying as we were walking.  Telling the Lord about fears and hopes and dreams and desires.  I was declaring truth over my life and the lives of people I care about.  I was praying for wisdom and strength in situations that I just don’t know how to process gracefully.  Im a messy man saved by grace here……so I need a lot of help.  

    Part of the way through the walk I noticed a young man with a walking cane and a lady next to him with a clipboard.  This man was blind and learning how to walk with his cane for the first time,  or at least was being coached on how to use it by his companion.  I watched as she talked him through each step.  They were communicating as he navigated some rough terrain, he stumbled a little but maintained his course and didn’t fall.  It had been raining so there were massive puddles.  He talked to his companion and she helped him learn how to navigate around them.  He stepped in one for a moment, but with a smile and a laugh he moved on.  

    I continued on my walk just processing through what I had just seen.  I can’t imagine how hard that must be.  To not be able to see.  To feel like you are all alone.  To wonder if you are making the right step.  As I processed, I looped back around to a somewhat busy intersection in front of my house.  I notice the young man and his companion were there standing on the curb.  I observed again, trying not to be the weird guy with his dog watching them.  The young man was afraid to cross the street.  He knew that there were cars going by.  He knew it was  longer than the roads he had crossed before so he froze.  

    His teacher then kicked into gear and calmed him.  She brought his attention to the tools he had.  “You can still hear so listen….what do you hear?  Is there danger near?  Use your cane.  Is the path ahead of you clear?”  I listened and it felt like the Father was saying the same thing to me.  Curtis, you can still hear….what do you hear?  Is there danger near? Is the path clear ahead of you? 

    I am blind to the good that the Lord has for me.  I am blinded by fear.  I am blinded by pride.  I am blinded by an unwillingness to trust.  The fact of the matter is that I will remain on the curb waiting to cross to the other side of the street unless I allow the Lord to navigate me across, in the midst of my blindness.  

    Just like this young man I have my companion, Jesus, right by my side as I take this first step…and then the one after that….and the one after that.   I have truth through the word that can help make my path ahead clear.  I have the holy spirit and the still small voice he speaks in.  The tools are there, its just a matter of taking the step.  

    I was sharing all of this with my Dad and he mentioned the part in Indiana Jones where he has this chasm before him on his quest for the holy grail.  There is no visible bridge to cross, and he has to take that first step of faith…..but his feet land on solid ground.  He then crosses over without fear to claim the prize he has be journeying for.

    I think just like the brave blind young man I have a journey to navigate.  We all do.  There will be rough terrain and we might trip, we could even fall, but we keep on moving.  There might be a puddle threatening to dampen the joy we have, but with the help of the father we can navigate around it, and if we do happen to get a little wet by stepping in it, we can smile and keep moving.  Knowing that we are learning, and growing, and that Grace is freedom.  That beautiful precious gift of Grace is the exact thing that is going to guide us through the hard part of crossing the street. 

   So, What do you hear? Is there danger near?  Is the path clear ahead?  Ok my friends, lets take that first step and cross this street. 

Anti- Social

Yesterday I decided to remove myself from social media.  To disconnect from the countless hours I have spent scrolling through my news feed.  Disconnecting from the jealousy of seeing other peoples lives that I want.  Disconnecting from the temptations that lurk around the corner waiting for you to stumble up on them.  Disconnecting from this amazing drug that hides underneath the guise of staying in contact with the ones you love.  I disconnected and now I am feeling the withdrawals.

    I am not saying that social media is bad because I think it can be used for so much good.  I am just saying for this period of undetermined time I need to remove it from my life in order to focus better.  To heal more fully.  To choose a new freedom in my life that only can be achieved by purging out the things that distract or discourage.  

    I think on this journey that I am on I get into this thought process that I can do it on my own.  I start to take things under my control.  I manage everything.  My emotions.  My relationships. My God.  Its a dangerous illusion to think that I can do that, but nevertheless it is there and appears so real.  I am now at a place in this cycle where I realize that I am not in control and in fact I feel out of control.  The feeling of disconnect.  Feeling a lack of trust. Feeling betrayed and hurt.  Feeling overwhelmed with emotions I don’t feel comfortable dealing with.  Feeling heartbroken from loss that I don’t understand.  The control I held onto so tightly has been ripped out of my hands.  

     The bittersweet beauty of this moment is that my hands are open and wounded from what has been torn away.  I am kneeling there  broken with open palms.  Then this amazing gentle savior comes and takes my wounded hands in his wounded hands.  As he mends the wounds and takes control I compare our scars and see the Love in his.  The deep sacrifice in his.  The intimate knowledge of what I am going through and how I am feeling.  The grace as he places the soothing balm on my worn skin.  Why do I fight so hard for control when I know the cycle leads to this hurt?

     Today is a day disconnected.  Today is day one of this new chapter, day one of this journey to trust again.  To love again.  To heal more fully.  To let go of constant control.  To lean into the father and embrace truth instead of scrolling through a news feed trying to find pseudo truth, pseudo comfort, pseudo control.  I WILL fail.  Life is a messy beautiful painting from a master craftsman who, if you let him, will create something more than you can imagine with the hurts and trials.  So, will you guys join me today in letting go.  Will you join me in attempting to trust more.  Lets start with today, and move on from there.  I have a feeling it will be worth it.  

Love and Loss

I honestly don’t even know where to begin with this blog because I don’t have words.  There is no plan here.  Just a time for me to process this week.  For those of you who don’t know my Niece Reese passed away this past Tuesday.  She was born with a genetic disorder that threatened her life from day one.  

  The thing with my niece though is that she was a fighter and was born into a family of fighters.  So for the next 2 years and 10 months we all fought together.  We grew in love with her more and more each day.  With each curve ball that was thrown there was a chance to grow.  I watched my Brother and Sister in Law become some of the most amazing people I know.   The strength and determination in them was and is amazing.  The faith in the Lord they held to was inspiring.

   I was talking to friends the other day and just saying that Reese had a profound effect on my whole family.  We, like any family, have our issues.  We have squabbles and quirks that get in the way.  When Reese came into our world she had this amazing ability to take away the selfishness.  There was no room for it in our lives.  Not to say that it didn’t try and creep its ugly head back in, but ultimately there was a united focus on caring for our little angel and supporting one another along the way.  So, we journeyed together and are stronger and more united because of this precious little girl.  

    When Reese went into the hospital last week I was told about how many people were there for my Brother and Sister in Law.  How the pastor was one of the first people there.  How the community from there church made sure there was always someone there.  I watched as the pastor of a huge congregation at my parents church took the time to be intentional with my dad and how the pastor and his way made time to meet with both my parents and help walk them through some of this grief we are experiencing now.  I watched as three dear friends dropped everything the night of Reese’s death and came to my house to pack my bag and help my book my flight in the midst of incredible headache.  I watched as person after person would call different members of my family and support and love them then and pray for us.  I watched as my Branson Sight and Sound family made a time to just love on me and pray for me in-between their shows.

  Each time I watched these things I was humbled and reminded that this is what community is like.  This is what the Lord planned for us.  Although the circumstances were horrible, I saw how beautiful the fellowship of believers is.  I experienced first had the power of prayer.  Its messy, and awkward, and beautiful.  

   At Reese’s service the pastor talked about how they cheer for the kids in the church as the leave to go to Sunday School.  The cheer to encourage and support them as the pursue Christ.  They cheer to remind them that they are loved and cared for by a community.  During the service he asked the people who came to join in clapping for Reese as she was stepping into something far greater than Sunday school.  She was stepping into heaven.  Tears rolled as we cheered with everything we had.  As we cheered through the grief of loosing someone far to soon.  As we cheered though heartache of loosing this precious girl.  As we cheered knowing we would see her again, whole and complete.  

   This week I leaned over my sweet niece, kissed her cheeks one more time, held her hand one more time, told her I loved her one more time as we said goodbye, for now.  I have never experienced grief like this.  I have never experienced what mourning truly is until now.  In the midst of it all I am thankful to have been her Uncle.  I am thankful to have been able to love a girl so beautiful and so precious.  I am thankful that I will see her again.  

    Please continue to keep my family and me in your prayers.  I can’t tell you how much each of you mean to me.  I can’t express how grateful I am.  

Taking the Stinger Out (and some rambling along the way)

   I think I am in a constant state of learning.  I think we all are.  Thats the beauty of our journeys.  No one ever fully arrives.  No one ever has it all together and all perfect.  So when we look at our relationships we see that learning curve in interesting ways sometimes.  

    

    I have been blessed with some amazing people in my life.  I have journeyed for different seasons with different people and there are some who have remained a constant in my life.  To those people I am beyond grateful.  I can’t imagine getting through some of my lowest times without them.  I can’t imagine celebrating some of the best times with them.  

   

    The thing with relationships, weather romantic or otherwise, is there is this huge risk involved that each person has to take in order for that relationship to grow.  The first time you share your thoughts.  The first time you open up about past mistakes.  The first time you speak truth.  The first time you disagree.  Each things creates a bond if you choose to let it.  

   

    The kicker with the vulnerably is that you risk getting hurt.  You risk putting your heart out there and then getting it bruised a bit.  Rejection is a part of life and challenges us to grow and to become resilient.  All of us have experienced its sting and all of us can probably point out a time where it propelled us forward to something else.  To something that we were suppose to see.  

    

    Right now for me I am feeling the sting.  That punch to the gut feeling of powerlessness.  A risk was taken.  Growth is happening and I am learning that the thing that stings the most is my constant state of fear.  Fear of not being enough.  Fear of not measuring up to a standard that I have placed on myself that is far too high.  The fear that I can’t fix it.  

   

    As my friend Mina and I were talking the other day she hit me with some truth that applied to my life at the moment.  My fear in reality is selfishness.  I can’t fix anything.  I can’t be anything to anyone.  That is the Lords work.  That is Christ in me.  Nothing that I have to give on my own strength is worth it.   So yes, I feel hurt.   Yes, I feel like I am not enough.  Yes I feel like I am broken.  The truth is still the same though and will always be the same.  No matter how broken I am, I am still made whole.  No matter how much I don’t measure up I am still lifted.  No matter how much I fail to fix, it is all redeemed.  It is all covered by Jesus who paid the cost for all of that.  Who looked at me…selfish and broken…and said….HE IS WORTHY OF LOVE!  HE IS MY CREATION!  

   

    So today I still feel the sting, but I am trying not to be so afraid. I am trying to rest in the arms of the one who comforts better than anyone on this earth.  Resting in the arms of the one who always is consistent.  Resting in the arms of someone who truly loves me well and unconditionally.  

   

    Fear is a Liar.  Jesus is Truth.