Disconnect. I think that sometimes I get so caught up in making it work that I make my life and my relationships harder. I stress myself out trying to be available and communicative. I overwhelm my mind trying to figure out what is the best and most healthy thing for me and my emotional state while, in many ways, being cut off from the world. I just don’t really know how to balance it all. I know that life is a journey; a process, but is that process always stress related or is that something that I am adding onto myself. Do we create our own suffering more or is that something that is part of the plan. Is my stress and frustration over even the smallest of things designed to bring out something better in me? I think so. As hard as it is for me to process through that thought, I think in the long run all this stress and frustration is designed to make me stronger, make me more confidante, make me a better person.
I feel like this is kind of repeating myself from previous blogs but I find that I have to remind myself that I am growing. I wish sometimes that I could step outside of myself and watch my life for a moment and see how I am doing from an outside standpoint. What choices am I making that are building me up and what choices are tearing me down? Am I truly being healthy emotionally or am I allowing myself to get caught up in the negative? Am I being burdened and weighing myself down by worry and frustration over things that I can’t control?
So, that being said, how do you start to make healthier choices? How do you let go? I love things that are comfortable and easy. Who doesn’t? If change and adjusting is a part of everyday life, even more in my profession, how do you start to become more ok with it? I find, for me, that I have to consciously take some time and make myself process though things that are weighing on my heart. I have to unpack the boxes that are building up in my mind and sort out the junk from the treasures. Even in that process I have to force myself to look at the treasures while the junk pile gets bigger and bigger. I have to keep my eyes on the good as I throw the trash in a jumbo glad trash bag, and throw it out of my mind.
I think this is also a reminder of how we as Christians should live out life. There is so much junk around that brings us down and contaminates our hearts. It is so easy to let that pile that is in the world overwhelm the good that is shining brightly through it all. I think the majority of the depression I have faced in my life has been due to the lack of being aware of the good. Being conscious of the uplifting things around me. Taking advantage of the good and edifying times I have with friends and holding those times close rather than enjoying them when they happen and then forgetting about them.
I have a wonderful love in my life who validates me and shows me love so well. I have friends who are there for me no matter what and who always uplift and encourage. I have people who don’t even know me that compliment me and uplift my spirit. I have a God who says he will never leave me. I have all these amazing and wonderful blessings and I appreciate them and their love for such a brief time before I allow myself to be sucked back into my own worry. My own insecurity. Wake up Curtis Lee Wilson, you are surrounded by love and security. Embrace it.
A special note to my love. I am so sorry that I take you for granted. You are wonderful and a true blessing. Thanks for your never ending patience. You have my heart!
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