Today was a good day. A day that was much needed for my heart and my head. I spent the majority of my day completely by myself. I explored, I took an adventure, I tasted great food, and I barely touched my phone. This may not seem like a big deal, but to me, being alone can be one of the hardest things ever.
I woke up this morning and hit the snooze button about 3 times not wanting to start my day. After the third and final time I pressed the button, I sat up in bed and said to myself. ‘Today is the day you go at it alone. You reclaim some independence and free yourself from codependency.’ A pretty lofty statement for that early in the morning but I needed a kick in the pants and a change of attitude.
I gathered my things together. Put on my warmest jacket and headed out into Quebec City. It was a chilly morning. I stepped outside at about 9:00AM and could see my breath. There was a line of old people waiting for the shuttle from the port into the city. I stood there for a moment and then decided I could use a nice walk and made my way on foot. I didn’t really know where I was going, all I knew is that my final destination was on the other side of some water and at the top of a hill where the fortress in Quebec City stands overlooking everything. So, I walked. I thought about what I needed to do today, I prayed, I thought about how much I missed my love, and just as I started to feel sorry for myself I saw it. A quaint little café at the very very bottom of the hill underneath the fortress. The smell alone was enough to beckon people passing by to come in. It was the most picturesque little French style café and I decided it would be my first stop on my alone day. I went inside, grabbed a coffee and a pastry and sat at a table by myself. I didn’t pull out my computer to get connected to the world. I didn’t pull out my phone and call/text people who I wanted to talk to. I just sat there. I enjoyed my coffee and croissant. I watched the people walking on the brick streets out side. I took in the sights and sounds as other shops were beginning to open and the streets were becoming more filled with people going to their various destinations. I sat there, alone, and enjoyed it.
After that I continued my walk up toward the fortress. I stopped to take pictures of various statues and building that I thought were nice. I listened in on some of the tour groups that were stopped by historical buildings. Then I grabbed a couple birthday cards, one for my brother and the other for my love, and headed to a nearby park to fill them out. After finishing that up I took them to the post office where I met a very sweet old lady who was literally half my size. She reminded me of my Grandma DeLaPorte. She decided that I seemed safe enough and started to talk to me. The only problem was that she only spoke French. I expressed to her the best way I knew how that I couldn’t really understand her, but she kept talking, but added more hand motions which helped me understand her more. It reminded me of college and going into Lisbon, Portugal or Cameroon, Africa and communicating with people without really saying anything. To enjoy a conversation or interaction without even saying a word is really a cool experience. I finished sending off my packages and said goodbye to my knew friend. She flashed me a huge smile and I left with one of my own as I headed to explore some more.
I finally got to the fortress and walked along the edge that overlooks the city. The trees have started changing and I took in the yellows, reds, and oranges that lit them up so vibrantly. The sun was out more and burned off some of the overcast. Like a curtain being pulled back and the show of this beautiful day was about to start. I had walked to the end of the path and just sat there and let the sun warm me up a bit. I was getting a little hungry again so I grabbed a quick snack and then went to another park by the Government building in the center of the city. I sat there and read a book for about an hour while sparrows were bouncing around me trying to find little bits of food. I hummed “His Eye Is On the Sparrow” to myself and laughed a little at how fun it is when you open your eyes to when God is talking to you. As my last blog stated I am a little overwhelmed with some worries and fears that I have. I am in the process of learning to let go and communicate with God more about these worries and fears. Seeing these sparrows and recalling that song was just a bit of comfort for my heart. A little pat on the back from my Heavenly Father reminding me that I would be ok. I love physical touch, so even the thought within that though is a comfort to me. I think sometimes I don’t take advantage of the quite moments anymore. I run away from them because they make me lonely. Today, I remember how sweet those moments really are and wondered why I had let them slip away.
The rest of my day included a few more shops. I ran into some friends from my ship and talked with them for a bit and then made my way back to my home away from home. Reflecting on this day I can’t even express how wonderful it was for me. I think you could ask most people that I grew up with or went to college with and they would tell you that I am a really independent person. I use to enjoy going where I wanted to go, when I wanted to go there. Where my stubbornness has not left me for getting what I want, I think some of my independence I have allowed to be let go. I allowed my friendships to define me more and I started to rely on them more for my significance rather than knowing who I really am and who I am suppose to be. I got too caught up in the people pleasing and it became a drug to where if I was not around people getting that affirmation or acceptance I was a mess. I think this ship is kind of like rehab for me. I don’t have all my close friends here. I don’t have my love here. I have a couple great friends to give me a bit of human support and then I have my Lord. I have time with myself, and with that alone time I have the opportunity to become more ok with this amazing man that I am. That might sound conceded, but I assure you, it is a statement made out of totally humility.
Today I spent the whole day alone. Walked the streets alone. I ate alone. I read alone. I took pictures alone. I maybe spoke 50 words the first half of my day. I was alone, but for the first time in a long time, I felt ok with it.
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